I have always struggled with loving my art and finding love itself. A great quote from Lady Gaga describes my thoughts on the subject, "Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."
For me that concept rings so true, but at the same time I strongly believe in the romantic concept of love, that you'll always be there for each other regardless. So you can understand how torn I am. I don't want to compromise my dream/career for love, but I don't want to live a life alone. Which brings me to the woes of dating as a dancer (or any performer really).
In high school, I never went on dates because I spent 5 nights a week at the studio (mon-fri) and weekends if I wasn't rehearsing for the Nutcracker, dance competitions, actually at dance competitions...I was at home relaxing or attempting to have a social life by hanging with friends. My first date was in college as a Freshman...I didn't know it was a date until I got to the movies, so yeah. Then I lost my virginity to a friend later that year. Still no boyfriend. My life was filled with classes, homework, and rehearsals. Junior year of college I got to experience a friends with benefits situation, interesting to say the least, and of course senior year I was "seeing" someone for the majority of it. First proper date was with that person and by then we'd already slept together...and to be honest, I was never nervous on our dates cause we both knew each other so well and we knew how the night was gonna end. And after that relationship ended, I went on my first date with someone I didn't know. Had the second date and chose to never see him again. And then arrives the present time and the new guy. First date with him was comfortable, but then again the texting almost every day for month before it probably helped. And still no boyfriend...which, at the age of 22, doesn't really upset as much as it did when I was 16. However, I must admit that I figured by now I would have at least had one or two under my belt. Ehh, whatever.
My problem with this whole dating thing though is the explaining I'm a dancer part. I remember when I was talking to the first guy after the ex, let's call him Rob (I never really found out if his online handle was indeed his name). I met him through this free dating site I'm on and I remember quite clearly one of the conversations we had on there...
Rob: "So what did you do in college?" (btw says it on my profile)
Me: "I majored in dance. So I spent a lot of time in rehearsals and performing and stuff."
Rob: "When you say dance, please tell me you don't mean a stripper."
What the fuck? Really? Can you fucking MAJOR in stripping at a college? You know what, I don't think you can. But he wasn't the only guy on that site that thought that...and then most of the other guys just assumed I was ballerina. I've realized that almost all men I will date post grad will not understand what it is to date a dancer until we are months into the relationship. They're not like my ex who dated three dancers at my college or my fuck buddy who was friends/slept with a lot of dancers. They understood rehearsals will always run late, that I be exhausted after taking dance classes, I have to travel to auditions, I will break down crying from being rejected at an audition or having a bad class, every ache and pain in the body is a possible career ender, sweat pants are my every day wear when I'm dancing, I will listen to a song on repeat for hours. They just understood things like that and these new guys don't, which I understand will take time, but...ugh.
So I went a date with this new guy and he loves that I'm a dancer and is always asking me how rehearsals are going. It's nice to have someone remember when I'm rehearsing and teaching. And then there's this other guy, who texts me at the worst times to ask to hang out...always when I'm teaching or rehearsing and then making little jokes about me teaching him "how to dougie" or am I lying about having rehearsal...Fuck you. He makes me so mad that sometimes that I don't even want to go on a fucking date with him...
Sometimes I feel like it would be a less frustrating life to just not date, to be alone and suffer through the heartbreak, woes, and betrayals of love. And then I realize how much of an empty life that would be. I don't like having to explain why I am so developmentally behind in my love life because when I was "supposed to be" enjoying my youth and experiementing, I was in a studio dancing. I don't want to have to explain that I'd rather spend my birthday in NYC taking classes all day or that what I want for Christmas is a new leotard. I spent so much of the beginning of college trying to detach myself from being a dancer and doing other things, because I didn't want to be that dancer with her room decorated with pictures of otther dancers...I still don't. I am so much more than a dancer but I am also a dancer. I'm not like some of my friends that can just bounce from a guy to guy and have a feeling I will never be that girl...
Friday, October 28, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
DIY Challenge: Entry One
So amongst teaching children the careful art of dance, testing out a new boy via text messages and a first date, rehearsing with my crew twice a week in Boston, and the every day things I find to occupy myself like laundry....I have decided to take on the task of redoing my room. Which in all honesty I started about a week after I moved home from Dean, however with the most definite ever failing of the economy, my dream to move to New York will have to be put on the back burner for at least a year or two more. And most days I'm leaning towards two or more. My students loans right now, stand to be about $500 a month...add on top of that the money I have to pay to pay off my credit card ($1793 and some change from my six weeks in NYC 2 years ago), my cell phone bill, and whatever else life wants to pop up for me...Money is dictating me to stay at home and save a little bit longer.
So with the plan of paying off my credit card in 8/9 months and the need of a challenge pulsing through my veins...I've decided to try and redo my room for under $500, not including the flat screen tv and the new bed I want. Okay, challenge accepted. DIY heaven here I come.
I've started my adventure on shopgoodwill.com and just started searching the site...low and behold I found an awesome mirror, which in 6 days I'm hoping will be mine. It's gonna cost me $20 in shipping, but if I get the mirror for under my max bid, I'll be excited. I'm planning on a fresh coat of paint on the frame will give it a new life. It's coming from Shreveport, LA and little part of me is also excited to own something that's from a place that's close to the fictional town of Bon Temps. Ah I'm such a geek. I'm hoping my mother doesn't have a freak out when she finds out (if I win it) and may want to use it in our upstairs bathroom that we're currently redoing. If not, in my room it goes.
So with the plan of paying off my credit card in 8/9 months and the need of a challenge pulsing through my veins...I've decided to try and redo my room for under $500, not including the flat screen tv and the new bed I want. Okay, challenge accepted. DIY heaven here I come.
I've started my adventure on shopgoodwill.com and just started searching the site...low and behold I found an awesome mirror, which in 6 days I'm hoping will be mine. It's gonna cost me $20 in shipping, but if I get the mirror for under my max bid, I'll be excited. I'm planning on a fresh coat of paint on the frame will give it a new life. It's coming from Shreveport, LA and little part of me is also excited to own something that's from a place that's close to the fictional town of Bon Temps. Ah I'm such a geek. I'm hoping my mother doesn't have a freak out when she finds out (if I win it) and may want to use it in our upstairs bathroom that we're currently redoing. If not, in my room it goes.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Missing Piece of Me
So I wrote this last week on my iPhone, I know, but am now just getting around to posting. Sorry I've been so MIA, promise I'll post something that makes up for it, soon.
I find myself at night laying in bed with my arms out stretched like I'm reaching for something that isn't there anymore. And it feels like there's a part of me missing. And I hate that I feel that way. 'It was only I year' I tell myself. It's been three months, just fucking get over it. And then I think of what it is that I think I'm missing. The feel of his warm skin under my cool one? His deep breathes in the silent night? The feeling that when I wake up I know it'll be to his smiling face?
And so then I think of the time passed with him. The nights we'd lay in bed and I couldn't help but doubt that I wasn't the only one that laid in his arms, about what other girls he was possibly talking to. But then I'd take a deep breath and think, 'this isn't me. I trust him, it's just gotta be the nature of our arrangement.' it was true, part of me was always searching for the one thing that allowed him to be mine...a title, an idea, a concept. I knew what I wanted, I just didn't have it at the time. So I continued with my life, school work and rehearsals, all the while trying to map out my future and trying to figure out where he fit in. So I checked his state for dance companies to see if I could make my dream plausible for us. It wouldn't be any easier then Boston, but there was at least a dance scene. But I had to be rational, it's not like we were dating and although I loved him and only ever wanted that feeling returned, I knew it was crazy to think this way. So I buried those thoughts deep inside like a dark secret, its not like he was suddenly going to love me one day . And then that day came and like the glittering flame of a birthday candle, it was there one second and gone the next. His love. The tiny amount of claim that I held over him.
So I lay in bed, what? Missing...him? Is that why my arms are stretched out? No, I don't think it is. For, though it's taken me almost three months to understand, I don't miss that person that decided on a whim one day to finally utter the words I'd desperately waited a year for them to say. The words that were the response to the words of my tattoo, written in a language he knew how to speak. It was always there in front of him, the thing that I so ardently needed. And for the moment to come and just fizzle out? I use to think it was that, that scared him away and into the arms of another woman. So I'd blame myself, I mean I'd hurt him so bad in the past, why wouldn't it surprise me that the moment he finally admitted his true feelings for me, that he'd run as fast and far away as he could from the one person who could and had hurt him.
So again I ask myself why is it then that I'm not missing him?...to be honest I miss the man he was in the late hours of the night when we'd lay in bed together. There's no mask, no hiding who are, when you're in that moment. So if not him I miss then what? That honest moment? That's what I miss. The ability to have that moment when you're laying in bed, and you can't hide who you are anymore. You muscles relax until your bones sink into your mattress and your mind travels through all the ideas, memories, and feelings that you refused to face during the day. The moment when you can just cry knowing that the other person isnt going anywhere. The moment when you can just stare into a person's soul. The moment when there's no need for words and a simple quiver of your lip or wrinkle of your brow tells the person you're laying next to what exactly is on your mind.
So I lay with my arms outstretched, to remind myself that there was a time when those honest moments truly existed and when my hands finally touch something, those moments will be back.
Someday.
I find myself at night laying in bed with my arms out stretched like I'm reaching for something that isn't there anymore. And it feels like there's a part of me missing. And I hate that I feel that way. 'It was only I year' I tell myself. It's been three months, just fucking get over it. And then I think of what it is that I think I'm missing. The feel of his warm skin under my cool one? His deep breathes in the silent night? The feeling that when I wake up I know it'll be to his smiling face?
And so then I think of the time passed with him. The nights we'd lay in bed and I couldn't help but doubt that I wasn't the only one that laid in his arms, about what other girls he was possibly talking to. But then I'd take a deep breath and think, 'this isn't me. I trust him, it's just gotta be the nature of our arrangement.' it was true, part of me was always searching for the one thing that allowed him to be mine...a title, an idea, a concept. I knew what I wanted, I just didn't have it at the time. So I continued with my life, school work and rehearsals, all the while trying to map out my future and trying to figure out where he fit in. So I checked his state for dance companies to see if I could make my dream plausible for us. It wouldn't be any easier then Boston, but there was at least a dance scene. But I had to be rational, it's not like we were dating and although I loved him and only ever wanted that feeling returned, I knew it was crazy to think this way. So I buried those thoughts deep inside like a dark secret, its not like he was suddenly going to love me one day . And then that day came and like the glittering flame of a birthday candle, it was there one second and gone the next. His love. The tiny amount of claim that I held over him.
So I lay in bed, what? Missing...him? Is that why my arms are stretched out? No, I don't think it is. For, though it's taken me almost three months to understand, I don't miss that person that decided on a whim one day to finally utter the words I'd desperately waited a year for them to say. The words that were the response to the words of my tattoo, written in a language he knew how to speak. It was always there in front of him, the thing that I so ardently needed. And for the moment to come and just fizzle out? I use to think it was that, that scared him away and into the arms of another woman. So I'd blame myself, I mean I'd hurt him so bad in the past, why wouldn't it surprise me that the moment he finally admitted his true feelings for me, that he'd run as fast and far away as he could from the one person who could and had hurt him.
So again I ask myself why is it then that I'm not missing him?...to be honest I miss the man he was in the late hours of the night when we'd lay in bed together. There's no mask, no hiding who are, when you're in that moment. So if not him I miss then what? That honest moment? That's what I miss. The ability to have that moment when you're laying in bed, and you can't hide who you are anymore. You muscles relax until your bones sink into your mattress and your mind travels through all the ideas, memories, and feelings that you refused to face during the day. The moment when you can just cry knowing that the other person isnt going anywhere. The moment when you can just stare into a person's soul. The moment when there's no need for words and a simple quiver of your lip or wrinkle of your brow tells the person you're laying next to what exactly is on your mind.
So I lay with my arms outstretched, to remind myself that there was a time when those honest moments truly existed and when my hands finally touch something, those moments will be back.
Someday.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Declaration of Independence
This post is my declaration of independence.
(Minus the paragraph after this that summarizes the days that I have forgotten to write about)
I have neglected writing to not only to save myself from writing everything down after the exciting days when I was tired, but from the boring days when there was nothing to write. In the time that has passed that has now brought September to my doorstep, it has also brought me new memories, experiences, and hopes for the future. I had the privilege of performing in Martha's Vineyard with some of my fellow Dean dancers doing Hip Hop Company for Kelly Peters. While there I met, some amazing dancers and was inspired by their passion for dance. Even the company of my fellow Dean dancers inspired me and made me realize how much I'd miss not being at school with them this fall. I journeyed to CT that weekend for my friend's birthday party. It was nice to have the group of us reunited once again, even if a few of us weren't there. I must admit it was a little awkward seeing my ex there, seeing as every graduation/BBQ party I went to last year, we were either a) together, b) slept together or c) he took me home. So going to this party I knew I'd feel slightly out of place due to the only history I had of going to these events was in the concept of a "couple"...and of course I feared his girlfriend would be there. I am thankful she was not. And it's not because I hate her, I just want to ease into being single around our friends and watching them kiss and feel each other up would probably, not only have broken my heart just a little again, but would have made me feel so unwanted. I haven't always felt secure within this group of friends because at school I was there fellow dancer and then the others I met and became better friends because I was seeing him. So imagine my dismay, always wondering if because the relationship is over if their friendships had shifted sides. A pointless worry I have been assured, since they are all still quite happy to know me and be my friend. Then the hurricane came and my nerves were at the ends, due to worry. My father insisted on doing things outside still, and I always worry about him. The days in between these events was spent with laying around in bed watching TV, or reading, or crafting. Dull things to just pass the time and not really blog worthy. Yesterday Alex had an end of the summer pool party with some of our Dean classmates coming since they've already been at school rehearsing. Last night we went to Dean to continue the party. I saw my old condo, which one of friends is living in. And of course per Dean the drama broke out at the party, not surprising. And every since that moment I have been thinking and thinking.
(this would be the declaration....)
I am certainly not the person I used to be this time last year. I have come to acknowledge there are certain matters I am quite firm on. Certain principles if you will.
I do not think you have to drink to have fun at a party. My body is a temple and I will not abuse it with drugs. I believe everyone deserves love. I do not believe anyone has the right to dictate the way my heart feels for another. I do not think you can call yourself an adult, when you turn to childish maneuvers in an adult situation. We are all traveling on our own course and if you can not accept another's course then you should not stand in their way. No one on earth is perfect and holding a person up to perfection is an insult to both them and yourself. If you cease to continue to learn, then you are doing yourself a great disservice. You can not reasonably ever know what a person has been through, so judging purely by your own morals, ethics, and mannerisms will leave you with an unfinished picture of the person if you do not take into account their upbringing. The pains of the past have a place in our future. People who do not and can not stand by you when you are at your lowest, do not deserve to stand by you at your highest. Everyone makes mistakes and while some mistakes are bigger than others, all mistakes are learning experiences. A person must stand by the principles which they think to be true and right, even if others may think they are wrong. By everything that you define yourself by there will be an opposite truth. For every time you stand your ground, you will wonder if the choice you made was right. Every person on this earth is a hypocrite at one time or another, it just makes a difference on which subjects you choice to change your mind on.
(Minus the paragraph after this that summarizes the days that I have forgotten to write about)
I have neglected writing to not only to save myself from writing everything down after the exciting days when I was tired, but from the boring days when there was nothing to write. In the time that has passed that has now brought September to my doorstep, it has also brought me new memories, experiences, and hopes for the future. I had the privilege of performing in Martha's Vineyard with some of my fellow Dean dancers doing Hip Hop Company for Kelly Peters. While there I met, some amazing dancers and was inspired by their passion for dance. Even the company of my fellow Dean dancers inspired me and made me realize how much I'd miss not being at school with them this fall. I journeyed to CT that weekend for my friend's birthday party. It was nice to have the group of us reunited once again, even if a few of us weren't there. I must admit it was a little awkward seeing my ex there, seeing as every graduation/BBQ party I went to last year, we were either a) together, b) slept together or c) he took me home. So going to this party I knew I'd feel slightly out of place due to the only history I had of going to these events was in the concept of a "couple"...and of course I feared his girlfriend would be there. I am thankful she was not. And it's not because I hate her, I just want to ease into being single around our friends and watching them kiss and feel each other up would probably, not only have broken my heart just a little again, but would have made me feel so unwanted. I haven't always felt secure within this group of friends because at school I was there fellow dancer and then the others I met and became better friends because I was seeing him. So imagine my dismay, always wondering if because the relationship is over if their friendships had shifted sides. A pointless worry I have been assured, since they are all still quite happy to know me and be my friend. Then the hurricane came and my nerves were at the ends, due to worry. My father insisted on doing things outside still, and I always worry about him. The days in between these events was spent with laying around in bed watching TV, or reading, or crafting. Dull things to just pass the time and not really blog worthy. Yesterday Alex had an end of the summer pool party with some of our Dean classmates coming since they've already been at school rehearsing. Last night we went to Dean to continue the party. I saw my old condo, which one of friends is living in. And of course per Dean the drama broke out at the party, not surprising. And every since that moment I have been thinking and thinking.
(this would be the declaration....)
I am certainly not the person I used to be this time last year. I have come to acknowledge there are certain matters I am quite firm on. Certain principles if you will.
I do not think you have to drink to have fun at a party. My body is a temple and I will not abuse it with drugs. I believe everyone deserves love. I do not believe anyone has the right to dictate the way my heart feels for another. I do not think you can call yourself an adult, when you turn to childish maneuvers in an adult situation. We are all traveling on our own course and if you can not accept another's course then you should not stand in their way. No one on earth is perfect and holding a person up to perfection is an insult to both them and yourself. If you cease to continue to learn, then you are doing yourself a great disservice. You can not reasonably ever know what a person has been through, so judging purely by your own morals, ethics, and mannerisms will leave you with an unfinished picture of the person if you do not take into account their upbringing. The pains of the past have a place in our future. People who do not and can not stand by you when you are at your lowest, do not deserve to stand by you at your highest. Everyone makes mistakes and while some mistakes are bigger than others, all mistakes are learning experiences. A person must stand by the principles which they think to be true and right, even if others may think they are wrong. By everything that you define yourself by there will be an opposite truth. For every time you stand your ground, you will wonder if the choice you made was right. Every person on this earth is a hypocrite at one time or another, it just makes a difference on which subjects you choice to change your mind on.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
It has been a strange week.
Oh, it has been strange. The last 7 days that is. Let's start off with last tuesday...I went to the doctor for a check up of my HPV. Everything seems fine, but I don't think the test results have come in yet. They said they'd call if I need treatment or to come in. No call yet. Then I went to teach the summer hip hop class I'd been teaching and taught my first modern class that night. Wednesday....for the life of me it's escaping me what I did. Hmm. Thursday I had an interview with this awesome dance studio, that unfortunately the only day they are looking for is a day I'm already teaching. So, boo, but they let me teach 2 master classes tonight. Friday I ran errands and then spent a good portion of the day with Alex and some other friends from my school. It was nice to just hang out, laugh, crack jokes. I've missed some of these people. Then I rehearsed Saturday and Sunday for a piece I'll be performing in Martha's Vineyard Thursday and Friday this week. President Obama will be on the island then, I kinda hope I see him! But the piece is part of the hip hop piece I did for the last dance show at Dean choreographed by Kelly Peters. Yesterday [Monday] I spent ALL day looking up DIY/crafting things and attempting a few. I can't wait to post pictures when I'm completely done with a few of them. Then today, I taught the 2 master classes. I can't describe with words the joy that I get from watching students doing my choreography. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life outside of some form of choreographing.
So how could this week have been strange you may ask? I've been happy and feeling complete. I will admit I might have cried like 3 times this week, I'm a girl in my defence. But being just me, dancing.teaching, not worrying about certain people, and being single. I haven't been on a third date with the guy from before...yet. He wants to hang out, he's texted me twice this week about it. I just don't understand how a week ago I told him I'd be busy for the next three weekends and he didn't even ask a single question about what I was doing...Something about him just seems off to me. How could you really want to spend time with me, when you don't really know much about me? I assume he finds me attractive and thats the driving force behind he's need to see me. I cannot and will not be in another relationship where I am used for my body when I don't have a real connection with a person. It worries me that I have no desire to actually hang out with him, I thought at first it was me clinging to my ex....ehh no he just doesn't interest me. He has no interests. In the 6-8 hours I've spent with him, I haven't heard him talk about one thing at all that seems to interest him. Wtf. Even my ex had interests, fuck Scott had interests...how can he not? The only thing I can say he does like is the beach, and that is a place...c'mon really?
In a complete side note my ex facebook chatted me tonight. I was actuall suprised to see the chat window popped up, it felt like I had my best friend back for a little bit. He told me about the new things in his life, not too much stuff. He asked if anything exciting was going on in mine, I said performing in Martha's Vineyard...and that's all we really talked about in regards to me. There are so many things I want to talk to him about that are happening in my life, discuss politics with him. Sadly I conversation was too short for me. I'm supposed to be going to a party for his best friend [my freind too] this weekend...I'm sure I'll see him there, but I'm sure he'll probably bring his girlfriend though too. I don't know if I can really have an honest conversation with him, if she's gonna be attached to his side the entire time. I want my best friend back. I want to be able to talk politics. I want to be able to talk about things going on with my life, that he understood so well. I want to be challenged in a conversation as I was only with him. I miss my best friend, I get over not being his lover anymore, I can't lose my best friend...It seems I've lost or are losing other people in my life as it is...
And I guess the thing that makes this week the strangest is, that besides the fact that I felt happy and whole, I've been having a really hard time sleeping at night. I just run over and over things in my mind. Its starting to worry me. There's so much going on in my head and I'm not saying a lot of it because it family worries, money worries, life worries. Its not all worries, some of it is me planning out combos for class or wondering what the party this weekend will be like. I just want to be able to sleep through the whole night. I can't remember a night within the last 7 days that I've fallen sleep and stayed asleep. Maybe tonight I'll be able to.
So how could this week have been strange you may ask? I've been happy and feeling complete. I will admit I might have cried like 3 times this week, I'm a girl in my defence. But being just me, dancing.teaching, not worrying about certain people, and being single. I haven't been on a third date with the guy from before...yet. He wants to hang out, he's texted me twice this week about it. I just don't understand how a week ago I told him I'd be busy for the next three weekends and he didn't even ask a single question about what I was doing...Something about him just seems off to me. How could you really want to spend time with me, when you don't really know much about me? I assume he finds me attractive and thats the driving force behind he's need to see me. I cannot and will not be in another relationship where I am used for my body when I don't have a real connection with a person. It worries me that I have no desire to actually hang out with him, I thought at first it was me clinging to my ex....ehh no he just doesn't interest me. He has no interests. In the 6-8 hours I've spent with him, I haven't heard him talk about one thing at all that seems to interest him. Wtf. Even my ex had interests, fuck Scott had interests...how can he not? The only thing I can say he does like is the beach, and that is a place...c'mon really?
In a complete side note my ex facebook chatted me tonight. I was actuall suprised to see the chat window popped up, it felt like I had my best friend back for a little bit. He told me about the new things in his life, not too much stuff. He asked if anything exciting was going on in mine, I said performing in Martha's Vineyard...and that's all we really talked about in regards to me. There are so many things I want to talk to him about that are happening in my life, discuss politics with him. Sadly I conversation was too short for me. I'm supposed to be going to a party for his best friend [my freind too] this weekend...I'm sure I'll see him there, but I'm sure he'll probably bring his girlfriend though too. I don't know if I can really have an honest conversation with him, if she's gonna be attached to his side the entire time. I want my best friend back. I want to be able to talk politics. I want to be able to talk about things going on with my life, that he understood so well. I want to be challenged in a conversation as I was only with him. I miss my best friend, I get over not being his lover anymore, I can't lose my best friend...It seems I've lost or are losing other people in my life as it is...
And I guess the thing that makes this week the strangest is, that besides the fact that I felt happy and whole, I've been having a really hard time sleeping at night. I just run over and over things in my mind. Its starting to worry me. There's so much going on in my head and I'm not saying a lot of it because it family worries, money worries, life worries. Its not all worries, some of it is me planning out combos for class or wondering what the party this weekend will be like. I just want to be able to sleep through the whole night. I can't remember a night within the last 7 days that I've fallen sleep and stayed asleep. Maybe tonight I'll be able to.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Just blah.
I haven't felt very grounded since my last post, except when I was taking my hikes in the woods by these large lakes near my house. My life is at the moment a little uneasy with tensions between a few my friends and me, family issues arising, setbacks in meeting my goals in order to move to New York City within the year, and soul searching questions that have made me question what I really want. I must confess for the amount I am an honest and open on this blog, I am also vague and guarded. There are a handful of things in my life that I haven't written about in its entirity or at all due to my unease with the subjects, but I'm reaching the point where it seems the more I just try to keep things to myself and shutout everyone from these things, the more upset some people get with me. My blog has never been written for anyone other than me, so it has never been my intention to upset people with my posts, but I feel I must stand my ground on certain matters...such as, if I wish to vaguely write about something on this blog, but do not talk about it in person, there's a good reason. I probably don't have the courage to actually form the words to speak, unlike the ease that comes with writing them. Also anyone who's known me offline for long enough know that the summers between school, including high school, has been a time for me when I tend to shut everyone out in order to have me time...however this year due to the semi permanment nature of this summer stretching into the rest of my life, I have hung out with people that are close by to fight off the loneliness from moving back into my house, my uneasy break up with my ex, and the questioning that I assume that comes with finishing college and moving onto the next step. I am my own person and process and deal with things in different ways then others, I'm not going to keep apologizing for being me. If anyone even cares why I truely haven't been talking to lot of people here are the reasons: I didn't want to talk about my break up and how it made me feel to certain people, to be honest I think I've really only talked to like 2 people about it. Also, I've been spending an insane amount of time with Alex, since due to her horrible car accident cannot leave the house and she lives only ten minutes from me. Her house not only doesn't get good cell service, but due to her being crippled, as she says, and the amount of people that come to visit her in waves, my attention is consumed for hours by her and/or her vistors. Then when I'm not teaching or at Alex's...I'm in my room working on some projects, dealing with problems, or actually attempting to get out of the house and have a good time. I spend enough with Alex and dealing with family shit, that it could be a full time job...and yet I don't complain about any of it, because that's not who I am. I love spending time with Alex and the family stuff is so up and down that its hard to decribe my feelings about it. In regards to the family stuff...I have a sick/possibly dying family member; worries about my father being laid off come fall/winter due to no work with his company; my brother getting his licsence back, so that come sept I don't have him to drive to and from work every day so that I can actually get a day job; things in the house breaking, like the well and how we didn't have water for a full week; my own health issues; my father's health, since his job pays most of the bills; my parents getting a divorce, since my mom has told me she's threatened my dad with it if he doesn't do some things around the house, which makes me hope that she's joking, but still I worry; my extended family's continued silence to not only my family but the rest of dad's side; the health of my aunt; paying back student loans...There's a lot of shit of my own to deal with, on top of being upset about the break up; dealing with the fact that my best friend is now my ex and therefor makes our relationship more complicated; seeing all the shit that Alex's is going through and wondering how can I complain when I'm able to walk, drive and leave the house... So sorry if I don't feel like talking about everything and all of this to people.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
A moment of clarity.
I've wanted to write the past couple days, but I haven't felt comfortable actually writing any of it down. I'm still not a hundred percent comfortable so this post will not only be both vague, but confusing. I've been going through my days in a fashion that can only be described as drifting. I went on the second date that guy, the beach. It went well, seeing as he kissed me before I left. Well actually, made out with me in his driveway is more like it. I find myself lost when it comes to him. He's cute, nice and I'm comfortable with him...and that's all I'll say about him in this post, because I don't want a written record of how I'm exactly feeling about him.
My world seems to be a mix of doubt, mistrust, hurt, abandonment, confusion, and hope. My mood changes at such drastic speed that it scares me. I'm fully functioning and content and then I want to slam my fist into the wall or I day dream about hurting someone...and I have come up with many different scenarios. I'm not a violent person, but my day dreams just ends with me beating my frustration out on this person. Then when its not my anger fighting to get out, I just get this washing feeling of sadness. I used to think that the sadness was just over my Ex choosing to be with someone else over me...then I slowly began to realize that I felt lied to, deceived and used. I've been doubting almost every experience I had with him over our year together. Was it really just sex? Was every time he told me it wasn't about sex, a lie? I don't want to talk to him, at all about our past...there's no point, it's in the past. I'm trying hard to find my answers and be happy with myself....and feeling lost along the way.
I've never been much a religious person, I just agreed with the religion forced upon me, but I did something last night that I haven't done in a very long time...I prayed. I know in an earlier post I said I would explain my "God and Goddess" comment, well...even though I was raised Catholic, I prefer to practise Wicca. I don't fully identify as a practitioner because it's been years since I've practised. I was heavily into it during middle school and the beginning of high school before the rest of my life became my focus. So last night when I prayed, I casted a circle (lit candles around me), I wrote two Rune symbols on my arm meaning healing, and asked the Goddess for help. I asked her to make me whole, to heal me from the inside out, to take away the darkness inside my heart. I asked her to heal my body and my heart. I asked her to take away my disease, my anger, and my hate for him. I cried and cried so hard while begging to be made whole again. I also begged her to forgive me. I felt so drained after I closed the circle and refreshed that I think I'm going to pray again tonight. And I realize my pagan ways may have some people looking at me completely different, but I'm done hiding it...I believe in the power of nature and the female and male energies of the universe. The concept of a fire place beneath me and a cloudy kingdom above me is to me more fantastical then praying to a male and female energy that controls the world....
And I'm not gonna really keep talking about my religious views cause this post was just to get some of my worries/thoughts off my mind. The date of my next doctor's appointment looms ahead in the future, 3 weeks. I still haven't come to terms with my HPV and I know that it's the root of my anger and hurt when it comes to my Ex. It feels like he forgot about me in regards to this, that I'm all alone in this. I worry how things could progress and if things didn't go well, how he'd be too busy loving and caring for his new girlfriend to even care about the problems he left me with...and I feel strange bringing a new person into this mess. I'm feeling very lost and hoping that praying will bringing me some guidance.
My world seems to be a mix of doubt, mistrust, hurt, abandonment, confusion, and hope. My mood changes at such drastic speed that it scares me. I'm fully functioning and content and then I want to slam my fist into the wall or I day dream about hurting someone...and I have come up with many different scenarios. I'm not a violent person, but my day dreams just ends with me beating my frustration out on this person. Then when its not my anger fighting to get out, I just get this washing feeling of sadness. I used to think that the sadness was just over my Ex choosing to be with someone else over me...then I slowly began to realize that I felt lied to, deceived and used. I've been doubting almost every experience I had with him over our year together. Was it really just sex? Was every time he told me it wasn't about sex, a lie? I don't want to talk to him, at all about our past...there's no point, it's in the past. I'm trying hard to find my answers and be happy with myself....and feeling lost along the way.
I've never been much a religious person, I just agreed with the religion forced upon me, but I did something last night that I haven't done in a very long time...I prayed. I know in an earlier post I said I would explain my "God and Goddess" comment, well...even though I was raised Catholic, I prefer to practise Wicca. I don't fully identify as a practitioner because it's been years since I've practised. I was heavily into it during middle school and the beginning of high school before the rest of my life became my focus. So last night when I prayed, I casted a circle (lit candles around me), I wrote two Rune symbols on my arm meaning healing, and asked the Goddess for help. I asked her to make me whole, to heal me from the inside out, to take away the darkness inside my heart. I asked her to heal my body and my heart. I asked her to take away my disease, my anger, and my hate for him. I cried and cried so hard while begging to be made whole again. I also begged her to forgive me. I felt so drained after I closed the circle and refreshed that I think I'm going to pray again tonight. And I realize my pagan ways may have some people looking at me completely different, but I'm done hiding it...I believe in the power of nature and the female and male energies of the universe. The concept of a fire place beneath me and a cloudy kingdom above me is to me more fantastical then praying to a male and female energy that controls the world....
And I'm not gonna really keep talking about my religious views cause this post was just to get some of my worries/thoughts off my mind. The date of my next doctor's appointment looms ahead in the future, 3 weeks. I still haven't come to terms with my HPV and I know that it's the root of my anger and hurt when it comes to my Ex. It feels like he forgot about me in regards to this, that I'm all alone in this. I worry how things could progress and if things didn't go well, how he'd be too busy loving and caring for his new girlfriend to even care about the problems he left me with...and I feel strange bringing a new person into this mess. I'm feeling very lost and hoping that praying will bringing me some guidance.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
2nd time around.
Did some retail therapy today and got two awesome dresses and a romper. Oh two pairs of cute earrings. Had my interview with the studio, that I have a feeling I probably won't be working at...eh there are others. However, I received a text while shopping that put a smile on my face. The guy from the date I went on last week wanted to make plans. Which we have, for Saturday. We're going to the beach down the street from his house. I'm driving there with hopefully a friend if I can find one to go. But I'm like a little nervous to have him see me in a bikini cause I want him to like me. Gah. Being a girl comes with way too many worries.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
le souffle de l'amour
After watching countless romantic movies and seeing pictures of couples kissing in my online browsing..I've decided I want to make a list of places I want to be kissed. Kind of like a kissing bucket list.
I want to be kissed...
...in the rain.
...under the stars.
...underwater.
...in the middle of a crowd.
...in a bar.
...at the airport.
...in front of all my friends.
...when I'm sick.
...at the beach.
...at a concert.
...in the middle of the street.
...in the water.
...in the snow.
...under the mistletoe.
...during a fight.
...after a fight.
...in jealous anger.
...under fireworks.
...in a foreign country.
I'll add more of them as I think of them and repost.
I want to be kissed...
...in the rain.
...under the stars.
...underwater.
...in the middle of a crowd.
...in a bar.
...at the airport.
...in front of all my friends.
...when I'm sick.
...at the beach.
...at a concert.
...in the middle of the street.
...in the water.
...in the snow.
...under the mistletoe.
...during a fight.
...after a fight.
...in jealous anger.
...under fireworks.
...in a foreign country.
I'll add more of them as I think of them and repost.
Yes 3rd post of the day...
I don't why I keep posting so much today, prehaps its because my mind hasn't stop buzzing since I woke up this morning. My life is changing so much. I see so many doors opening for me in places I don't think to look before...or doors I thought I had lost the key to are suddenly unlocked and opening. My life doesn't feel as negative as it has in the past couple weeks. I'm not saying there aren't those moments when I just want to cease to exist, oh there are, but I find more and more reasons to push forward. Tomorrow, I have an interview with a dance studio in Westborough, that's about an hour away from me. Wednesday, I have an interview with a dance studio in North Attleboro. Of course Tuesday and Thursday night I'm teaching. And Friday I have been invited to a party. Hell fucking yeah this week seems good. I will be shopping tomorrow and hanging with Alex when I'm not interviewing or teaching. I should be seeing Kristin, also later in the week. Going to be a great week. I bought a new bookcase at Ikea yesterday, so once I've built it [haha] I'll post my photos of it and while I'm at it...Starting tomorrow, push ups and core exercising in preparation for my friend's party in three weeks. I will have an even killer body for it. I've already started getting my tan on, so I look healthy and not deathly. I'm gonna buy a bomb outfit for it and if the stars are lined up for me, I might have a guest to bring with me. That part is extremely up in the air, but a girl can hope. Look out world, something inside of me is clawing to get out and I think I'm finally ready to let it.
Trash.
I keep finding your shit everywhere...random photos on my latop, folder in my favorites bar of your clothes, some little thing in my room that has some connection with you. Gah. I should probably start deleting you from my life. Make a folder on my computer and shove all the files that I can't seem to make myself delete and store you in there. You'd think in typical girl fashion I would have burned all photos of us [all five of them], burned the clothes you got me for christmas, throw out the necklace you got me then too, deleted video files so I couldn't watch them anymore...and yet I haven't. I've kept a cool head about me...minus the random "fuck you"s that slip out when I'm drinking or pissed. I can't rationalize getting rid of the gifts because I like them and they're mine, not yours...I can't rationalize burning the photos because it was a time of my life, however I may burn those picture frames I made for us...and to be completely honest I forgot about half the things on my laptop that are from you. You were my best friend and my lover. And I'd thought you'd still be my best friend...but I'm thinking the jury's still out on that one...
Oh! Sweet Liberation.
Last night awakened something in me that I have been missing...
Feeling naughty. Feeling adventurous. Feeling alive.
I had a few drinks last night and got down on the dance floor.
I felt free and sexy. I haven't felt like this in months.
I realized I enjoy being the girl being desired.
I enjoy being the girl dancing up on a guy.
I want to be showed off, I want to be someone's fantasy, I want to be the girl you wish you were with.
I want to be naughty and carefree. I want to be swept off the dance floor by an attractive stranger.
I've missed that feeling in the bottom of my gut that tells me, if given the chance, I'd give him a rememberable night. I've missed my sex appeal. I'm 22 years young, I'm at my prime. I vow to become everything that I can be, every little fantasy of a male counterpart. My inner sex kitten is ready to come out play, hope the world is ready.
Feeling naughty. Feeling adventurous. Feeling alive.
I had a few drinks last night and got down on the dance floor.
I felt free and sexy. I haven't felt like this in months.
I realized I enjoy being the girl being desired.
I enjoy being the girl dancing up on a guy.
I want to be showed off, I want to be someone's fantasy, I want to be the girl you wish you were with.
I want to be naughty and carefree. I want to be swept off the dance floor by an attractive stranger.
I've missed that feeling in the bottom of my gut that tells me, if given the chance, I'd give him a rememberable night. I've missed my sex appeal. I'm 22 years young, I'm at my prime. I vow to become everything that I can be, every little fantasy of a male counterpart. My inner sex kitten is ready to come out play, hope the world is ready.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I uh miss uh you
So even though I was the one that left you...
because I wanted a relationship with you...
and you didn't want one with me...
because you like her better...
I still miss you, so much...
and the days were going okay,
because I had my anger...
and then that went away,
and you weren't on my mind as much...
and then yesterday was my birthday...
and I couldn't help, but think of you...
because last year I spent it with you...
you gave me my card at midnight,
made love to me and held me tight,
took me on a date that night to see Twilight,
and then held me until I feel asleep that night...
and so yesterday, I cried, hard, for you...
because it still hurts,
because I still love you,
because I miss you.
I don't want to miss you anymore...
I want to carry on with my life the way you carry on with yours,
by not thinking of me and spending time with someone else...
because let's be honest, I was always crying over you,
because I always knew that I was saying goodbye to you,
because you were never mine to begin with...
because I wanted a relationship with you...
and you didn't want one with me...
because you like her better...
I still miss you, so much...
and the days were going okay,
because I had my anger...
and then that went away,
and you weren't on my mind as much...
and then yesterday was my birthday...
and I couldn't help, but think of you...
because last year I spent it with you...
you gave me my card at midnight,
made love to me and held me tight,
took me on a date that night to see Twilight,
and then held me until I feel asleep that night...
and so yesterday, I cried, hard, for you...
because it still hurts,
because I still love you,
because I miss you.
I don't want to miss you anymore...
I want to carry on with my life the way you carry on with yours,
by not thinking of me and spending time with someone else...
because let's be honest, I was always crying over you,
because I always knew that I was saying goodbye to you,
because you were never mine to begin with...
Friday, July 15, 2011
Weekly Gratitude [2]
Here is this week's installment.
[Ten] I'm thankful that I've reached 22 years of life this week (yesterday).
[Nine] I'm thankful that Harry Potter came out this week, even though I haven't seen it yet.
[Eight] I'm thankful that my date on Wednesday went well, at least on my end I think. We'll see if I'm right.
[Seven] I am thankful that Alex has been letting me hang with her a lot this week, think I've spent like 3 days this week there.
[Six] I am thankful to Alex & her mom. They got Chinese food from my favorite place for dinner yesterday and cupcakes for my birthday. I feel like I have a second family.
[Five] Again I'm thankful to Alex & her mom, who listened to all my worries about my date and the hardships of my ex.
[Four] I am thankful to have a caring brother who got me a birthday gift even though he paid for half of my iPhone when I bought it, when he didn't have to.
[Three] I am thankful for a body that others tell me to take pride in...I'm working on that.
[Two] I am thankful that I have started to fall in love with teaching, children, and teaching children.
[One] Most of all this week, I am thankful to anyone and everyone who cared that yesterday was my birthday and truly care about me. I have some great friends. (no sarcasm intended)
[Ten] I'm thankful that I've reached 22 years of life this week (yesterday).
[Nine] I'm thankful that Harry Potter came out this week, even though I haven't seen it yet.
[Eight] I'm thankful that my date on Wednesday went well, at least on my end I think. We'll see if I'm right.
[Seven] I am thankful that Alex has been letting me hang with her a lot this week, think I've spent like 3 days this week there.
[Six] I am thankful to Alex & her mom. They got Chinese food from my favorite place for dinner yesterday and cupcakes for my birthday. I feel like I have a second family.
[Five] Again I'm thankful to Alex & her mom, who listened to all my worries about my date and the hardships of my ex.
[Four] I am thankful to have a caring brother who got me a birthday gift even though he paid for half of my iPhone when I bought it, when he didn't have to.
[Three] I am thankful for a body that others tell me to take pride in...I'm working on that.
[Two] I am thankful that I have started to fall in love with teaching, children, and teaching children.
[One] Most of all this week, I am thankful to anyone and everyone who cared that yesterday was my birthday and truly care about me. I have some great friends. (no sarcasm intended)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The Dating World.
Okay so in preparation for my date tomorrow, I've been reading articles from magazines about the Dos and Don'ts about first dates. From what I've gathered the Dos are:
When I'm not worrying about "dating rules" I'm worrying about what to wear, how to do my hair, what shoes, how much make up...I want to wear heels (my foot will probably kill), but I'm worried I'll seem too tall. And then I worry if he walks me to my car, will he care that I drive a minivan? I worry that I'll say something stupid, or better yet have that awkward moment of silence when I have no idea what to say. And I'm worried about how to cover my disgusting foot because both flats and heels will show it. Sneakers are not date shoes and I don't know if I can get my foot into a pair of boots. Plus are boots summer wear? Ugh. I have no idea what to wear, I think a dress is a good bet, but they're all a little short. Skirts are a definite no go, way too short. It's too hot for pants...dresses it is then. And I'm freaking out/babbling for no reason. It's a date. One date. Ugh.
- be yourself
- wear something comfortable
- don't wear heels cause you don't know if you'll do a lot of walking
- hair down sends a better message then an updo
- natural makeup
- wear an outfit you've never worn before
- talk about exs or sex
- mindlessly babble or complain about your life
- drink too much
When I'm not worrying about "dating rules" I'm worrying about what to wear, how to do my hair, what shoes, how much make up...I want to wear heels (my foot will probably kill), but I'm worried I'll seem too tall. And then I worry if he walks me to my car, will he care that I drive a minivan? I worry that I'll say something stupid, or better yet have that awkward moment of silence when I have no idea what to say. And I'm worried about how to cover my disgusting foot because both flats and heels will show it. Sneakers are not date shoes and I don't know if I can get my foot into a pair of boots. Plus are boots summer wear? Ugh. I have no idea what to wear, I think a dress is a good bet, but they're all a little short. Skirts are a definite no go, way too short. It's too hot for pants...dresses it is then. And I'm freaking out/babbling for no reason. It's a date. One date. Ugh.
Teaching my first class.
So I'm home from my first time teaching and besides my foot pounding (I broke it open again a little, uh) I feel like I did a good job. The girls were a little nervous and didn't talk the entire time, but they seemed to enjoy it. We did a combination to "Baby" by Justin Bieber and we'll be continuing it on Thursday. I realized that what I thought seven year olds could handle is not what seven year olds can handle. I need to simplify things more then I had thought to. It was only a 45 minute class, but I found myself wondering how I'd make it through it. There came a point during the class when I teaching the combo that I thought they weren't enjoying it so I told them to lip sync the song. I swear I did more cheesey facial expressions during that then I have done in all my cruise line auditions. Prehaps next audition I'll pretend I'm teaching children. Today's class was Hip Hop and in 2 weeks I'll be teaching modern, which will hopefully calm me down a little. I also have an interview with a studio in Westborough on Monday and I'm scheduling another intereview with one in Scituate. Both these studios are like an hour away from me, but I'm actually looking forward to interviewing there. Am I falling in love with teaching or just happy at the possibilty of being employed?
Monday, July 11, 2011
Le Foot.
So this is my foot hours after the incident. You know, the one when I was pushed into a lake and tripped over a rock and cut my foot open.
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Pretty nice huh?
And this my foot Saturday, 6 days after.
Looks like shit, right? It feels like shit still too. Not all the time. Mainly after I sit for a good chunk of time and then try to walk again....I can feel my skin pull. Ugh. And the pulse behind the cut, which I'm sure I've rebroken open at least 3 times since it originally happened. I cannot wait for those little white sterile strips to come off. I think they hurt more then the amazing scab I'm gonna have, you know before it turns into an even better scar. My foot remains a little swollen the last couple days, around the injuried area. I still can't point my foot or wear shoes that aren't my flip flops without pain. I'm not supposed to get it wet either, which is how I came up with the brillant idea of saran wrapping my foot in order to take a shower. After taping the saran wrap to my foot, I was more than pleasantly surprised to see it worked.
Now if only it'll stop hurting enough that I can wear flats, maybe heels for a date I'm supposed to go on this week, not to mention I'm supposed to be going to the club Saturday for my birthday. This foot is taking a little longer to heal then I thought it would. It also seems to be the only topic that a certain person, seems to care about talking to me about. I understand that he may be worried about me, but I'm getting a little tired of it. I honestly don't think you can be that worried about me...if anything your guilt is hurting you. So I think it's more out of guilt then actually caring about me that drives these conversations. I stand my ground on the belief that I cared for you more then you ever cared for me.
Alex.
I spent the weekend at my friend, Alex's house. She just got home from the hospital Friday after being in a horrible car accident. She swerved to avoid hitting a squirrel and flipped her car four times. She had to get reconstructive surgery on her left knee, stitches for a gash on her right knee, has a partially collapsed lung, fractured three of her vertebrae and got a bad case of seatbelt burn.
The part that broke my heart the most was the story of her boyfriend/ex boyfriend, I'm not sure where they are at in their relationship again, saved her. The accident was on his street and he heard it from his house. Alex said that he came running down the street. Upon getting to the car he crawled on his hands and knees through glass to get to her. He ripped open the window with his bare hands, his own blood running down his arms. All the while he was bargaining with God to save her, take him instead, to not let the person he loved die.
I'd have to be made entirely out of stone to not have that touch my heart. I've been naive. I complain about my broken heart and how I loved someone...but I don't know if I've ever loved someone that much. I've never had to test my love like that. I can't imagine being in a situation where I'd actually risk my safety for the person I love. I assume that if the time came up, I would indeed do that. For people who have become jaded with others, have to admit that this story is eye awakening. How can you say people suck, when there is someone out there willing to do that?
The part that broke my heart the most was the story of her boyfriend/ex boyfriend, I'm not sure where they are at in their relationship again, saved her. The accident was on his street and he heard it from his house. Alex said that he came running down the street. Upon getting to the car he crawled on his hands and knees through glass to get to her. He ripped open the window with his bare hands, his own blood running down his arms. All the while he was bargaining with God to save her, take him instead, to not let the person he loved die.
I'd have to be made entirely out of stone to not have that touch my heart. I've been naive. I complain about my broken heart and how I loved someone...but I don't know if I've ever loved someone that much. I've never had to test my love like that. I can't imagine being in a situation where I'd actually risk my safety for the person I love. I assume that if the time came up, I would indeed do that. For people who have become jaded with others, have to admit that this story is eye awakening. How can you say people suck, when there is someone out there willing to do that?
Friday, July 8, 2011
Weekly Gratitude [1]
So I'm going to try at the end of every week to list at least ten things I'm grateful for that happened that week. So here goes week one.
[Ten] I'm thankful that I only needed some minor stitches on my foot and that I am in otherwise good health.
[Nine] I'm thankful that I was able to know how it feels to completely open my heart to another human being even if it didn't end well.
[Eight] I'm thankful that I got some sun this week at the beach. The simple pleasure of sunshine cannot be over looked.
[Seven] I am thankful that I live with parents who accept who I am as an artist and my tattoos.
[Six] I am thankful to have Leilani in my life. For such a short time we've known each other, she's pretty close to my other half. I don't know what I would have done without her since graduation.
[Five] I am thankful that I have started to get back into my spiritual roots. I haven't felt the God and Goddess in some time. (I'll explain this more in another post sometime)
[Four] I am thankful to have amazing friends that let me vent my woes to them and pick me up when I'm down.
[Three] I am thankful for shopping trips to mall, even if it's only to Victoria Secret.
[Two] I am thankful that I have a love so strong in my life it isn't going anywhere; Dance.
[One] Most of all I am thankful that I am not living in a culture that oppresses me and limits my life based on religion.
[Ten] I'm thankful that I only needed some minor stitches on my foot and that I am in otherwise good health.
[Nine] I'm thankful that I was able to know how it feels to completely open my heart to another human being even if it didn't end well.
[Eight] I'm thankful that I got some sun this week at the beach. The simple pleasure of sunshine cannot be over looked.
[Seven] I am thankful that I live with parents who accept who I am as an artist and my tattoos.
[Six] I am thankful to have Leilani in my life. For such a short time we've known each other, she's pretty close to my other half. I don't know what I would have done without her since graduation.
[Five] I am thankful that I have started to get back into my spiritual roots. I haven't felt the God and Goddess in some time. (I'll explain this more in another post sometime)
[Four] I am thankful to have amazing friends that let me vent my woes to them and pick me up when I'm down.
[Three] I am thankful for shopping trips to mall, even if it's only to Victoria Secret.
[Two] I am thankful that I have a love so strong in my life it isn't going anywhere; Dance.
[One] Most of all I am thankful that I am not living in a culture that oppresses me and limits my life based on religion.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Still hurting
It still takes me by shock when I start to cry. I see a picture, hear a song, a movie comes on...I am trying to hard not to hurt anymore and you seem to feel nothing. You've replaced me with her. I was trying to replace you with my long walks and fitness, but this week I haven't been able to escape to that. And yet still it hurts. I hurt. My heart hurts. I cry at random times driving and stop. I watch a romantic movie and they kiss, I cry. Kesha's "Your Love is My Drug" pops up on my iPod, I have to change it before I start to cry. I want to stop crying. I want to stop hurting. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this pain and I don't want it anymore.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
When I was carefree...
This is me October 2009.
This is me Feb 2010.
This is me April 2010.
This is me May 2010.
This is me Sept 2010.
I need to find this place again. I need to find this.
Confession.
So recently I have allowed my negative and bitter feelings to sort of, maybe, almost totally comsume my life. After some reflective time outside today and rereading some recent text messages I sent while intoxicated, I realized I need some readjustment of my feelings. I admit I internalize things, I don't like to get unwanted attention, I don't like inconviencing people, I don't like being a burden. So imagine my surprise when it seems this starts to backfire on me.
I've been depressed about the lack of control of my life. No job, no one to love me, no moving to New York for another year, no friends left in my home town. I have never, and I repeat never had an eating problem before...I love food. I eat like a fat kid, normally. But I'd say the last 1 1/2 to 2 weeks I haven't really been eating. I'd have a yogurt or cereal for breakfast, eat no lunch, munch on some wheat thins, and then have some of whatever my parents made for dinner.I just haven't felt hungry cause I haven't really been doing much besides lounging around my house. I'd say it was just me adjusting to the sudden summer weather, since me and heat always seems to disagree at the beginning of the summer...but this weekend kinda tipped me off that I need more food.
Friday. I had a bagel from dunkin dounts with strawberry cream cheese and an iced coffee and went to the beach. A small cup of ice cream and I can't remember what for dinner.
Saturday. Yogurt in the morning. Large gatorade after a 2 mile walk. Then had all of 6 raviolis for dinner, before driving to Onset to go to Britteny's family's cookout. I had some more wheat thins with hummus.
I woke up Sunday morning at 4 a.m. in a dead sweat and pounding headache. I figured because I feel asleep without my AC on that was reason, so I turned it on and went back to sleep. Fast forward to 7 a.m. when I wake up feeling like some kicked my head in, my headache was that bad, and to top it off I felt nauseous. I knew I needed fluids and food asap. So I picked my body up out of my bed and journeyed to go downstairs. I didn't make it to my bedroom door before my eyes went black, head was pulsing to my heartbeat, and I felt like I was gonna overheat [even though my AC was set to 69 degrees]. I knew this was not good. I continued heading downstairs, at the bottom of the stairs my eyes went black again, so I sat on the bottom step for a moment. Got myself an OJ, gatorade and banana and made my way back up to my room. I then forced myself to down the OJ and banana before going back to bed. When I woke up at 10 a.m. I felt like the things before had never happened. I knew I probably shouldn't drink or go to the cookout, but fuck that. It was my fault that I hadn't eaten and I was not going to miss having a good time, plus I felt fine. And to be completely honest besides the accident with my foot, I can say that I've felt healthy and fine since then. Minus the morning after drinking for 12 hours, I never eat the morning after drinking.
Sunday. To go orange juice and a banana. Large gatorade. Bowl of cereal and then off to Sturbridge for my friend's cookout/birthday party. Starting drinking vodka and sprite. Had some clam chowdah and macaroni salad. More vodka and sprite. Triscuits. More vodka and sprite.
Monday. 5 bites of a dunkin donuts bagel with strawberry cream cheese. A hot dog before going to the ER to get my foot looked at. Wheat thins and some other snack things after.
I have started eating again this week, forcing myself to. Partly because I know I need to and partly because of the antibiotics I'm on. I guess besides Sunday morning, my tip off was that I've lost 4 pounds in the last week. I haven't weighed myself this week, Saturday was the last day I did. I weighed in at 126. [Now I know I'm skinny and I'm not stating this to brag]. When I left school I was about 133/135. Sometime in June I settled into 130 because of some lose of what I assume to be muscle tone and the summer weather. Due to my height I shouldn't really be 126. I'm borderline underweight/normal. My BMI is 18.6, anything below 18.5 is underweight. I know that I shouldn't have used food to control any part of my life. I don't need to be on a diet, so not eating isn't really an option for me. I acknowledge that I am indeed depressed. I can't just not eat because I'm depressed. Getting skinnier isn't going to bring him back or make me prettier. I still need calories even if I'm not as active as I used to be. I promise everyone that I will start taking care of myself again. Last week was my version of rock bottom. I don't like being there and I don't want to go back there. I will not allow myself to alter myself because of someone else conscience or unconsciously. I will not be weak. I will not be weak anymore.
I've been depressed about the lack of control of my life. No job, no one to love me, no moving to New York for another year, no friends left in my home town. I have never, and I repeat never had an eating problem before...I love food. I eat like a fat kid, normally. But I'd say the last 1 1/2 to 2 weeks I haven't really been eating. I'd have a yogurt or cereal for breakfast, eat no lunch, munch on some wheat thins, and then have some of whatever my parents made for dinner.I just haven't felt hungry cause I haven't really been doing much besides lounging around my house. I'd say it was just me adjusting to the sudden summer weather, since me and heat always seems to disagree at the beginning of the summer...but this weekend kinda tipped me off that I need more food.
Friday. I had a bagel from dunkin dounts with strawberry cream cheese and an iced coffee and went to the beach. A small cup of ice cream and I can't remember what for dinner.
Saturday. Yogurt in the morning. Large gatorade after a 2 mile walk. Then had all of 6 raviolis for dinner, before driving to Onset to go to Britteny's family's cookout. I had some more wheat thins with hummus.
I woke up Sunday morning at 4 a.m. in a dead sweat and pounding headache. I figured because I feel asleep without my AC on that was reason, so I turned it on and went back to sleep. Fast forward to 7 a.m. when I wake up feeling like some kicked my head in, my headache was that bad, and to top it off I felt nauseous. I knew I needed fluids and food asap. So I picked my body up out of my bed and journeyed to go downstairs. I didn't make it to my bedroom door before my eyes went black, head was pulsing to my heartbeat, and I felt like I was gonna overheat [even though my AC was set to 69 degrees]. I knew this was not good. I continued heading downstairs, at the bottom of the stairs my eyes went black again, so I sat on the bottom step for a moment. Got myself an OJ, gatorade and banana and made my way back up to my room. I then forced myself to down the OJ and banana before going back to bed. When I woke up at 10 a.m. I felt like the things before had never happened. I knew I probably shouldn't drink or go to the cookout, but fuck that. It was my fault that I hadn't eaten and I was not going to miss having a good time, plus I felt fine. And to be completely honest besides the accident with my foot, I can say that I've felt healthy and fine since then. Minus the morning after drinking for 12 hours, I never eat the morning after drinking.
Sunday. To go orange juice and a banana. Large gatorade. Bowl of cereal and then off to Sturbridge for my friend's cookout/birthday party. Starting drinking vodka and sprite. Had some clam chowdah and macaroni salad. More vodka and sprite. Triscuits. More vodka and sprite.
Monday. 5 bites of a dunkin donuts bagel with strawberry cream cheese. A hot dog before going to the ER to get my foot looked at. Wheat thins and some other snack things after.
I have started eating again this week, forcing myself to. Partly because I know I need to and partly because of the antibiotics I'm on. I guess besides Sunday morning, my tip off was that I've lost 4 pounds in the last week. I haven't weighed myself this week, Saturday was the last day I did. I weighed in at 126. [Now I know I'm skinny and I'm not stating this to brag]. When I left school I was about 133/135. Sometime in June I settled into 130 because of some lose of what I assume to be muscle tone and the summer weather. Due to my height I shouldn't really be 126. I'm borderline underweight/normal. My BMI is 18.6, anything below 18.5 is underweight. I know that I shouldn't have used food to control any part of my life. I don't need to be on a diet, so not eating isn't really an option for me. I acknowledge that I am indeed depressed. I can't just not eat because I'm depressed. Getting skinnier isn't going to bring him back or make me prettier. I still need calories even if I'm not as active as I used to be. I promise everyone that I will start taking care of myself again. Last week was my version of rock bottom. I don't like being there and I don't want to go back there. I will not allow myself to alter myself because of someone else conscience or unconsciously. I will not be weak. I will not be weak anymore.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
So my feelings of punching you in the face still haven't died down from sunday, so I'd say it's safe to assume I'm still pretty pissed at you. And what, may you ask has gotten me all bent out of shape? Oh trust me I'll be writing it all down.
"Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart as well as your body
And can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love as well as your folly"
Clearly meeting your new girl-thing, whatever she is, and honestly I'm not being a horrible person, but I can't remember her name, upset me. And I'm not gonna trash talk her cause really I can't be mad to her, just you. Plus, I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but I still think you deserve someone better then a copy of your brother's girlfriend. It was lovely going to a party I was told that my presence was wanted at and yet, besides feeling like a pawn for everyone's amusement, the only real interaction we had was when you cut my foot open and then guiltly helped mend me up. Part of me feels like we wouldn't have really talked if that hadn't happen, and don't try to deny it. You were attached to your new girl's hip the entire time. There's nothing more I love then watching my friend act like a puppy following around his brother and his girlfriend. C'mon even Steph called you out in the car to me, that you weren't social even to her. As awful as it is for me to say this, but Scott acted like a better friend to me over the last year then you did at your party. That's a little fucked up.
"A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections"
You know why I was drunk from the moment I showed at your mom's house until after you left? Cause I was biting my tongue the entire time. I was trying to be the mature one, trying to act like everything was okay. And it's not like I can't handle interact with you, feels like you can't. I had venom in my veins, especially after you cut up my foot. I could have been the nastiest bitch, but I took the high road the entire time at your mom's...and then I get to Hurley's and I feel like I can fucking relax, stop feeling anxious and nope you bring her, which I knew you would, but ehh. Steph said I was more mature then she is cause she would have flipped a shit. She told me that I should have started screaming or like pulled hair or something. I laughed, I wouldn't fight, as much as my blood was boiling at you, I just drank it away instead.
And what the fuck was up with you at Hurley's? I don't know what's going on in your fucking head, I don't know if everything is okay with you...you know since we hardly ever talk, but c'mon clearly somethings going on in there. And when you played beer pong with her, I was like, "Hmm never did that with me..." I was just always the drunk girl to take home at the end of night, huh? And I had to laugh at myself cause if I stayed attached to you the way she did at the party I would have been smothering you and then we would have had to have a talk about it the next day...oh man double standards. And then, oh the kicker...when you left...one arm awkward hug and a "sorry about your foot", you've got to be fucking with me. I cried after you left. I was texting my friend trying to get myself together, but of course your little friend Andy found me crying. And I know you know that me made out. I'm not sorry about it and I don't have to explain anything. But you know he was just the icing on the cake for me for an awesome party, totally.When everyone started to go to bed or had left, I didn't want to go upstairs to sleep. Why would I want to do that? I was just gonna lay in bed and think about all the things you were probably doing with her and how she was probably in what was my side of the bed...So I kept my mind occupied and stayed up talking with Andy and Mike. Then Mike left. And I stayed up talking with Andy. And then he turned off the living room lights and kissed me. I should have guessed from how he kept asking me if I was going to be okay about you that he was gonna try something eventually. And I probably should have just gone upstairs to bed when he asked if I was okay with it, but I was lonely and it felt nice to not feel like a freak. And just to be held...and all I could think was how it felt nothing like you, it just felt empty. Just a shallow experience.And he told me how your mom asked him to run interference since "your two girlfriends were here" Ha. Ha. Ha. Wow the cherry on the shit on me sundae is completely. No wonder your mom kept asking if I needed anything at her house and then I get hurt. I'm sure that looked even better. Just everyone's fucking amusement. The charity case. The poor, hurt girl. You realize you hurting my foot is the perfect metaphor for our relationship...you didn't mean to, you were just trying to have fun, but you didn't mean to hurt me..
"But tell me now, where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart..."
I guess I still just don't understand your reasoning for not wanting a relationship with me too, which pisses me off. Cause I think your reasoning is a little horseshit to be frank.
Distance. Really? After a year distance is a issue still? Is an hour and a half really any different then the hour it was to Dean? I don't really think so. Plus you said you wanted to meet my parents, so clearly the idea of driving to my house then wasn't that big of deal. So I'm gonna call bullshit on this one.
Your work. I accept that work is your first thing so that you can get into grad school and all, but really? I'm pretty sure if you date her over me, you'll still be putting one of us a little bit before work in your life. So bullshit again.
Me moving. Umm, when was the last time you ever actually fucking talked or asked me about this? Cause I can't remember. Funny thing is I always planned to move by the end of the summer, but let's be real. I have no job and no money. I took a teaching job purposely to make myself stay at home to work and save money over the next year, I didn't choose to stay here because of you. Which doesn't mean that you aren't important to me, I just figured if you know you actually ever loved me like you said you did we could be adults, if we were dating, when it came time for me to move and we could maybe try the long distance thing...so I'm still gonna call a little bullshit on this one.
Her. I'm assuming you like her, but you know I couldn't tell if you just really wanted to be with Chris's girlfriend or you just liked that she was new. She's not something you can play with. Eventually you'll give her the same line you gave me, "I care about and I don't want to hurt you, but..." It's fucked I'm saying this, but don't break her heart like you broke mine...cause I don't think she's like me, she won't be able to be friends with you after.
And I guess what tops it all off is that your sorry about my foot. I know you are, but that doesn't change anything. I get to hobble around for the next fucking week with this stupid ass shoe and after it's all over? I'll just have a huge scar I'll get to actually see everyday. So while I'm stuck at home all fucking week nursing this stupid foot and you're out with her, I hope you think of me...laying in bed, depressed, numbly staring at the tv, cause that's all I've got in front of me for the week. And I swear to fucking God if I can't go to NYC to take dance classes on my birthday cause my foot isn't healed, I'm not only going to deck you in the face when I see you, I won't stop hitting you until you make me.
"Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart as well as your body
And can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love as well as your folly"
Clearly meeting your new girl-thing, whatever she is, and honestly I'm not being a horrible person, but I can't remember her name, upset me. And I'm not gonna trash talk her cause really I can't be mad to her, just you. Plus, I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but I still think you deserve someone better then a copy of your brother's girlfriend. It was lovely going to a party I was told that my presence was wanted at and yet, besides feeling like a pawn for everyone's amusement, the only real interaction we had was when you cut my foot open and then guiltly helped mend me up. Part of me feels like we wouldn't have really talked if that hadn't happen, and don't try to deny it. You were attached to your new girl's hip the entire time. There's nothing more I love then watching my friend act like a puppy following around his brother and his girlfriend. C'mon even Steph called you out in the car to me, that you weren't social even to her. As awful as it is for me to say this, but Scott acted like a better friend to me over the last year then you did at your party. That's a little fucked up.
"A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections"
You know why I was drunk from the moment I showed at your mom's house until after you left? Cause I was biting my tongue the entire time. I was trying to be the mature one, trying to act like everything was okay. And it's not like I can't handle interact with you, feels like you can't. I had venom in my veins, especially after you cut up my foot. I could have been the nastiest bitch, but I took the high road the entire time at your mom's...and then I get to Hurley's and I feel like I can fucking relax, stop feeling anxious and nope you bring her, which I knew you would, but ehh. Steph said I was more mature then she is cause she would have flipped a shit. She told me that I should have started screaming or like pulled hair or something. I laughed, I wouldn't fight, as much as my blood was boiling at you, I just drank it away instead.
And what the fuck was up with you at Hurley's? I don't know what's going on in your fucking head, I don't know if everything is okay with you...you know since we hardly ever talk, but c'mon clearly somethings going on in there. And when you played beer pong with her, I was like, "Hmm never did that with me..." I was just always the drunk girl to take home at the end of night, huh? And I had to laugh at myself cause if I stayed attached to you the way she did at the party I would have been smothering you and then we would have had to have a talk about it the next day...oh man double standards. And then, oh the kicker...when you left...one arm awkward hug and a "sorry about your foot", you've got to be fucking with me. I cried after you left. I was texting my friend trying to get myself together, but of course your little friend Andy found me crying. And I know you know that me made out. I'm not sorry about it and I don't have to explain anything. But you know he was just the icing on the cake for me for an awesome party, totally.When everyone started to go to bed or had left, I didn't want to go upstairs to sleep. Why would I want to do that? I was just gonna lay in bed and think about all the things you were probably doing with her and how she was probably in what was my side of the bed...So I kept my mind occupied and stayed up talking with Andy and Mike. Then Mike left. And I stayed up talking with Andy. And then he turned off the living room lights and kissed me. I should have guessed from how he kept asking me if I was going to be okay about you that he was gonna try something eventually. And I probably should have just gone upstairs to bed when he asked if I was okay with it, but I was lonely and it felt nice to not feel like a freak. And just to be held...and all I could think was how it felt nothing like you, it just felt empty. Just a shallow experience.And he told me how your mom asked him to run interference since "your two girlfriends were here" Ha. Ha. Ha. Wow the cherry on the shit on me sundae is completely. No wonder your mom kept asking if I needed anything at her house and then I get hurt. I'm sure that looked even better. Just everyone's fucking amusement. The charity case. The poor, hurt girl. You realize you hurting my foot is the perfect metaphor for our relationship...you didn't mean to, you were just trying to have fun, but you didn't mean to hurt me..
"But tell me now, where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart..."
I guess I still just don't understand your reasoning for not wanting a relationship with me too, which pisses me off. Cause I think your reasoning is a little horseshit to be frank.
Distance. Really? After a year distance is a issue still? Is an hour and a half really any different then the hour it was to Dean? I don't really think so. Plus you said you wanted to meet my parents, so clearly the idea of driving to my house then wasn't that big of deal. So I'm gonna call bullshit on this one.
Your work. I accept that work is your first thing so that you can get into grad school and all, but really? I'm pretty sure if you date her over me, you'll still be putting one of us a little bit before work in your life. So bullshit again.
Me moving. Umm, when was the last time you ever actually fucking talked or asked me about this? Cause I can't remember. Funny thing is I always planned to move by the end of the summer, but let's be real. I have no job and no money. I took a teaching job purposely to make myself stay at home to work and save money over the next year, I didn't choose to stay here because of you. Which doesn't mean that you aren't important to me, I just figured if you know you actually ever loved me like you said you did we could be adults, if we were dating, when it came time for me to move and we could maybe try the long distance thing...so I'm still gonna call a little bullshit on this one.
Her. I'm assuming you like her, but you know I couldn't tell if you just really wanted to be with Chris's girlfriend or you just liked that she was new. She's not something you can play with. Eventually you'll give her the same line you gave me, "I care about and I don't want to hurt you, but..." It's fucked I'm saying this, but don't break her heart like you broke mine...cause I don't think she's like me, she won't be able to be friends with you after.
And I guess what tops it all off is that your sorry about my foot. I know you are, but that doesn't change anything. I get to hobble around for the next fucking week with this stupid ass shoe and after it's all over? I'll just have a huge scar I'll get to actually see everyday. So while I'm stuck at home all fucking week nursing this stupid foot and you're out with her, I hope you think of me...laying in bed, depressed, numbly staring at the tv, cause that's all I've got in front of me for the week. And I swear to fucking God if I can't go to NYC to take dance classes on my birthday cause my foot isn't healed, I'm not only going to deck you in the face when I see you, I won't stop hitting you until you make me.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Children.
I spent the day at the beach with my friend, Britteny (you can read her blog here) and her family, which consisted of her mom, sister, 2 nieces and her nephew. The girls are 4 and 6 I believe, and Lucas is 13 months. I would normally say that, "I hate children" or "Eww children", but I have to say that spending the day with them remind me both how annoying children are...and cute and I want my own. Uhh that one statement that makes my stomach flip. I want my own. Not adopted, my own. I've never had a job babysitting and all my younger cousins are either 2-6 years behind me or when they were a baby I was just starting 6th grade...maybe. So my exposure to children is limited...so imagine my surprise when I'm suddenly watching the girls boogie boarding and I'm worried that the water is going take them under. What? Later the girls are climbing around on the rocks at the beach and I'm think, "Gah if she's not careful she's gonna fall and hurt herself." Excuse me? Where did this motherly instinct come from? Why, when in high school I couldn't stand to be left alone in a room with a small child, am I wanting to hold Lucas? Why on God's green earth am I worrying every two seconds where the kids are and who is around them? They're not even mine! I guess I can no longer deny what I feel...about children...and the longing I have for a little one of my own. Of course I'm talking about when I'm at a point in both my career and life in which I can comfortably support a child.
I doubt I will ever tell my mother this until I meet a man who will commit to me in the sense that he wants to raise a family, my feelings on the subject of marriage are still iffy.
So while trying to get my tan on, since I'm so pale, I spent the day worrying. Not worrying over if my partner, whom I still can't decide to put ex, old, or nothing in front of, is gonna text me or what he's doing with the new girl...or if I've lost him to her already...Instead I'm worrying about children. Of course my mind then drifts to the subject of me actually being able to have one. I don't know if it's because I have so much time on my hands to think about my future or the fact that it is indeed in the front of my mind, but I am indeed worried that I won't be able to have children. And that thought terrifies me more than failing at my career or disappointing my parents. What if due to the HPV, I can't carry a child? As a woman, I lose an identifier. As a human, I feel like a failure. Nature, which I believe so strongly in, chooses to take that right away from me...nature which is so stable, steps aside to let chance take a turn at the game. Sometime over the last year with my partner, I found self worth in the realm of relationships, sex, and love...before then I had nothing. I use to doubt so strongly how anyone could find me attractive, until him. And even now at times I still doubt... so someone tell me how, if in the next 3 years it's discovered that the HPV has changed the cells in my uterus that I have to have treatment, and that said treatment leaves me scarred, am I supposed to have self worth with myself as a woman? I want a child, yet due to things beyond my control and one roll around in the sheets, I cannot have one? I can't describe the uneasy that creates inside me. So given my newly discovered strong motherly instincts, it's not surprising that the subject is on my mind. And thenthe thought, "what man could love me then?" follows closely behind.
Sometimes I truly hate thinking about things so much.
I doubt I will ever tell my mother this until I meet a man who will commit to me in the sense that he wants to raise a family, my feelings on the subject of marriage are still iffy.
So while trying to get my tan on, since I'm so pale, I spent the day worrying. Not worrying over if my partner, whom I still can't decide to put ex, old, or nothing in front of, is gonna text me or what he's doing with the new girl...or if I've lost him to her already...Instead I'm worrying about children. Of course my mind then drifts to the subject of me actually being able to have one. I don't know if it's because I have so much time on my hands to think about my future or the fact that it is indeed in the front of my mind, but I am indeed worried that I won't be able to have children. And that thought terrifies me more than failing at my career or disappointing my parents. What if due to the HPV, I can't carry a child? As a woman, I lose an identifier. As a human, I feel like a failure. Nature, which I believe so strongly in, chooses to take that right away from me...nature which is so stable, steps aside to let chance take a turn at the game. Sometime over the last year with my partner, I found self worth in the realm of relationships, sex, and love...before then I had nothing. I use to doubt so strongly how anyone could find me attractive, until him. And even now at times I still doubt... so someone tell me how, if in the next 3 years it's discovered that the HPV has changed the cells in my uterus that I have to have treatment, and that said treatment leaves me scarred, am I supposed to have self worth with myself as a woman? I want a child, yet due to things beyond my control and one roll around in the sheets, I cannot have one? I can't describe the uneasy that creates inside me. So given my newly discovered strong motherly instincts, it's not surprising that the subject is on my mind. And thenthe thought, "what man could love me then?" follows closely behind.
Sometimes I truly hate thinking about things so much.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
I went to Peaceful Meadows & Cupcake Charlie's in Plymouth...So good. And since I didn't walk yesterday my friend, Kristin, and I walked around Plymouth for almost an hour. It was her birthday and we're broke college kids so that's what we do for fun during the summer. Doesn't my cupcake look delishious? I didn't eat it at the time and it's currently in my fridge. I can't wait for desert tonight. Mmmm, yummy. I got an orange cream cupcake, while Kristin got chocolate chip cookie cupcake...which she left in my room...which means I have 2 cupcakes...oh boy, guess I'll give one to my dad. Today was good, kept my mind busy, vented to friend all day about everything, and got sunshine. Oh I also bought a new dress that Kristin picked out for me. Hopefully after this weekend I'll have some photos of it to share.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
1.8
So in my attempt to fill the days until I start teaching dance, have I mentioned that I'll be teaching children from September to June? Yeah, I don' think I have. I got hired at the studio that I grew up dancing at to teach Modern and Hip Hop. The studio is having a Hip Hop summer session, that I as the new teacher am supposed to be teaching. So when I'm not freaking out about choreographing combos, I download music. All I can say is that I must have downloaded at least 300 songs already....and maybe only 120 of those still remain in my iTunes library.
Right, so when I'm not dowloading music or attempting to choreograph combos, I'm looking on Craig's List for jobs [generally a frustrating waste of time] or filling my time with mindless tv/internet. I do on occasion find a friend to hang out with or a project to do...so yesterday I started something that I said I'd do daily, but I'm fighting with myself to do it right now...I walked to this lake thats near my house and back...1.8 miles.
Okay, I may be a dancer, but that does not mean I am able to jog. I tried to jog part of that yesterday, HA! Felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest...so I'll stick to the walking, even if my legs are a bit sore today. Which is the main reason I'm fighting myself to get dressed and go walk. However, due to me being a dancer and not a gym going person, I lack the clothes. All the clothes I would use are in the laundry and I don't think a leotard would work for this. So once I'm done writing this blog, I'll find a sports bra and some pair of pants that aren't sweatpants and walk....hopefully, to be completely honest I just really want a cupcake from Cupcake Charlie's and a coffee from Marylou's in Plymouth, MA...sigh. Prehaps tomorrow for Kristin's 20th birthday.
On the subject of birthdays: Yesterday was Steph's, tomorrow is Kristin's, Friday is Nick's, Saturday is Alexa's and mine is coming up very, very soon [15 days].
Right, so when I'm not dowloading music or attempting to choreograph combos, I'm looking on Craig's List for jobs [generally a frustrating waste of time] or filling my time with mindless tv/internet. I do on occasion find a friend to hang out with or a project to do...so yesterday I started something that I said I'd do daily, but I'm fighting with myself to do it right now...I walked to this lake thats near my house and back...1.8 miles.
Okay, I may be a dancer, but that does not mean I am able to jog. I tried to jog part of that yesterday, HA! Felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest...so I'll stick to the walking, even if my legs are a bit sore today. Which is the main reason I'm fighting myself to get dressed and go walk. However, due to me being a dancer and not a gym going person, I lack the clothes. All the clothes I would use are in the laundry and I don't think a leotard would work for this. So once I'm done writing this blog, I'll find a sports bra and some pair of pants that aren't sweatpants and walk....hopefully, to be completely honest I just really want a cupcake from Cupcake Charlie's and a coffee from Marylou's in Plymouth, MA...sigh. Prehaps tomorrow for Kristin's 20th birthday.
On the subject of birthdays: Yesterday was Steph's, tomorrow is Kristin's, Friday is Nick's, Saturday is Alexa's and mine is coming up very, very soon [15 days].
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
For you...
This is my last blog of night and hopefully my last angst one for a couple of days. I find it a bewildering thing to see the people I have loved and cared about grow away from me...after all our heart to hearts, crazy nights, and thoughtful texts....where are you now? What am I to you know? A familiar face stranger? It's only been two months since graduation and yet I can count on one hand the amount of times the effort on your side has been made to talk to me. I miss you and I'm not sure what exactly I did to get this shaft. Prehaps you've outgrown me...? You have no need for the girl that drove you to the ER when your roommates wouldn't, the girl who bought you a movie just to cheer you up when you were having a bad week, the girl who listened while you talked about the boy who was pulling the string of your heart, and the girl who no matter thick or thin was always just a phone call/text away from running to your room or you. Was the thing that drove you away from me, my own pursuit at love and sex? I was always right there in front of you. I know you never liked him and thought I deserved better, but I never weighed in on your love life. If anything I only tried to help my friend. I've only ever tried to help you and in turn sometimes when things got a little too much for me to bear on my own I'd turn to you...How can you use those moments against me to show me the error in my ways? Maybe you don't think that's what you're doing...it feels like that. It feels like I've been shunned, that a conscience choice was made to cut me out of your lives to bare minumium...til I'm only a speck of your past. The tiny dandylion seed floating in the breeze reminding you of what use to be....
Monday, June 27, 2011
Breathe. Just Breathe.
Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. The feelings are so strong, that I can't fight back the tears. And they fall until I can't breathe. Then comes the hiccup for air that my lungs so deseperately need, but can't get. And then the process just cycles until my nose is running, my eyes are red, my cheeks are wet and it feels like the quivering of my body won't stop til I cease to exist. It's always me. Always. I'm the one always "falling apart"...never you. Am I crazy? Am I too attached? Why does everything I feel have to be so extreme? Do I blame the life of an arist or the way my personality is made?
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I can curl into my body pillow and squeeze it, to try and stop the tears, but it never seems to help. And I hate that I do this, that I get upset like this. I don't even know why I'm choking out every stupid breath I have. I'd give every fucking breath I have right now to make this stop. I feel like a china plate that someone dropped on the kitchen floor, a weak, shattered replica of something great. When I was kid and I was crying like this, I'd cry so loud, that my mom would come in to check on me. I know that's what I'm craving right now. Comfort. A warm embrace and some kind words. But friends aren't answering phones and friends have lives that don't involve me anymore. And I am far too old to cry for my mother...So what am I to do?
Wait for the tears to dry and my breathing to return to normal...wait for me to let this tidalwave of emotions run over me. Admit that it still hurts even if I thought that it didn't anymore.Admit that I always thought things would just fucking work out for me regardless of my short comings and mistakes. I thought that maybe I'd get to be the happy one for awhile. That I can finally relax into my life instead of always waiting for the floor to give out under me. And I can keep pretending tthat everything's okay during the day like I'm some Zombie...even though once the sun goes down, time slows down to a crawling halt. The nights are still hard for all the reasons that I struggle to push on through the day. I have issues living at home. I have issues with you. I have issues with my friends that seem to not care if I exist anymore. I have issues that people are already bailing on birthday even though it's two weeks away. I have issues that I feel like nothing is within my control right now and I'm everyone else's fucking pawn. I wanted to scream at you, "How can you not care? Why is that it seems I'm always the one hurt or upset?" But I know that's just melashing out acting irrational. And I want to scream, "FUCK YOU!" To all the people who are supposed to be my friends. Nothing is alright and nothing is okay and nothing is going to plan. But I just have to remember to breathe. Just breathe.
Wait for the tears to dry and my breathing to return to normal...wait for me to let this tidalwave of emotions run over me. Admit that it still hurts even if I thought that it didn't anymore.Admit that I always thought things would just fucking work out for me regardless of my short comings and mistakes. I thought that maybe I'd get to be the happy one for awhile. That I can finally relax into my life instead of always waiting for the floor to give out under me. And I can keep pretending tthat everything's okay during the day like I'm some Zombie...even though once the sun goes down, time slows down to a crawling halt. The nights are still hard for all the reasons that I struggle to push on through the day. I have issues living at home. I have issues with you. I have issues with my friends that seem to not care if I exist anymore. I have issues that people are already bailing on birthday even though it's two weeks away. I have issues that I feel like nothing is within my control right now and I'm everyone else's fucking pawn. I wanted to scream at you, "How can you not care? Why is that it seems I'm always the one hurt or upset?" But I know that's just me
The Alphabet & Me.
Ambition: Share my love of dance with the world...oh and get to NYC.
Bad Habit: beating myself up when I'm already down
City: live: Middleboro; want to visit at this very moment: Worms, Germany
Drink: Peach iced tea
Education: BA in Dance.
Food: hmm soy yogurt and california sushi rolls.
Guilty Pleasure: Victoria Secret, I shop there waaaay too much, and V-necks I always find a reason to buy one.
Hometown: Middleboro, MA
Ice Cream: Black raspberry
Jonesing for: a vacation of some form and someone to cuddle with
Kryptonite: Children...and yet I will be teaching them in the fall, haha
Look-a-like: I don't think I have one...
Movie: Titanic, Interview with the Vampire, and The Fountain.
Nickname: Helsinki, Garcie
Obsession: Vampires, Hello Kitty, and dance.
Perfume: VS Very Sexy Now and Paris Hilton
Quirk: I sometime act out scenes by myself cause I'm bored, or I'll talk in an accent just for fun
Regret: Not having started to save money to move while I was in school
Starbucks: Caramel Frappuccinco
Thrift Find of the Year: Hmm so far I'd have to say the yoga pants I got from VS today for 11.99 instead of 49, boo yeah
University: I wanted to go to University of Texas Austin...
Vacation: Uh I want to go to New Orleans
Wine: Um no thanks...I'm still trying to find one I like
X: Haha eX's are fun, see I made a joke out of it...
Years: Almost 22
Zen: Sitting out in the woods or driving.
Stole this idea from Nicole. If you decide to do this too, leave a link in the comments so I can read it. =]
Bad Habit: beating myself up when I'm already down
City: live: Middleboro; want to visit at this very moment: Worms, Germany
Drink: Peach iced tea
Education: BA in Dance.
Food: hmm soy yogurt and california sushi rolls.
Guilty Pleasure: Victoria Secret, I shop there waaaay too much, and V-necks I always find a reason to buy one.
Hometown: Middleboro, MA
Ice Cream: Black raspberry
Jonesing for: a vacation of some form and someone to cuddle with
Kryptonite: Children...and yet I will be teaching them in the fall, haha
Look-a-like: I don't think I have one...
Movie: Titanic, Interview with the Vampire, and The Fountain.
Nickname: Helsinki, Garcie
Obsession: Vampires, Hello Kitty, and dance.
Perfume: VS Very Sexy Now and Paris Hilton
Quirk: I sometime act out scenes by myself cause I'm bored, or I'll talk in an accent just for fun
Regret: Not having started to save money to move while I was in school
Starbucks: Caramel Frappuccinco
Thrift Find of the Year: Hmm so far I'd have to say the yoga pants I got from VS today for 11.99 instead of 49, boo yeah
University: I wanted to go to University of Texas Austin...
Vacation: Uh I want to go to New Orleans
Wine: Um no thanks...I'm still trying to find one I like
X: Haha eX's are fun, see I made a joke out of it...
Years: Almost 22
Zen: Sitting out in the woods or driving.
Stole this idea from Nicole. If you decide to do this too, leave a link in the comments so I can read it. =]
Gertrude.
The thought came to me that if time travel was indeed possible, I know the point in time in which I'd like to change. It isn't a point in my past that I want to change, I feel like I'm way too young to decide if there is a moment worth changing. The moment is actually from my father's past. 1973 to be exact. I don't really know the specific month and day, but the day in which my grandmother died. I know it must seem strange for me to pick this moment. Let me explain...
My grandmother, Gertrude, was killed in Hyannis, MA in a motor vehicle accident in 1973. My grandfather and her were riding with his motorcycle club when a car cut off my grandfather. In an attempt to avoid hitting the car, my grandfather swerved hard causing my grandmother to hit the hood of the car. I was told she wasn't wearing a helmet at the time, which why she recieved severe head tramua when she hit the car. She was only 34. (And this was why I use to get so worried when Nick would ride his bike.)
She left behind five children. My father, the oldest, was only 16 at the time. From stories that have been told to me over the years, it seemed after my grandmother died my grandfather got stricter and meaner. He was no kind soul to start with, but after she was gone he wasn't any better. I've always wished that I could have met her and as a child, when I use to see a shadow figure in my closet that would scare me...I'd always tell myself that it was just my grandmother watching over me while I slept.
So if given the chance to change one moment, I'd make it so that they never went for that motorcycle ride. And prehaps things would have been different for my father and his siblings. Maybe the things that tore them apart when they got older wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have grown up with a spilt family. Then again prehaps it would have also meant that my parents would have never met and I wouldn't exist. I don't know though, I feel pretty confindent that I was/am meant to exist and that if I could indeed change that moment, I'd have grown up with a biological grandmother, who would have loved me...and she'd tell me stories about what it was like to grow up in Germany during WWII, stories about how my father was a crazy little boy, and stories about what I was like as a child spending weekends at her house.
Maybe I would have had that or maybe she was meant to die young...sadly. RIP Gertrude Beiersdoerfer.
My grandmother, Gertrude, was killed in Hyannis, MA in a motor vehicle accident in 1973. My grandfather and her were riding with his motorcycle club when a car cut off my grandfather. In an attempt to avoid hitting the car, my grandfather swerved hard causing my grandmother to hit the hood of the car. I was told she wasn't wearing a helmet at the time, which why she recieved severe head tramua when she hit the car. She was only 34. (And this was why I use to get so worried when Nick would ride his bike.)
She left behind five children. My father, the oldest, was only 16 at the time. From stories that have been told to me over the years, it seemed after my grandmother died my grandfather got stricter and meaner. He was no kind soul to start with, but after she was gone he wasn't any better. I've always wished that I could have met her and as a child, when I use to see a shadow figure in my closet that would scare me...I'd always tell myself that it was just my grandmother watching over me while I slept.
So if given the chance to change one moment, I'd make it so that they never went for that motorcycle ride. And prehaps things would have been different for my father and his siblings. Maybe the things that tore them apart when they got older wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have grown up with a spilt family. Then again prehaps it would have also meant that my parents would have never met and I wouldn't exist. I don't know though, I feel pretty confindent that I was/am meant to exist and that if I could indeed change that moment, I'd have grown up with a biological grandmother, who would have loved me...and she'd tell me stories about what it was like to grow up in Germany during WWII, stories about how my father was a crazy little boy, and stories about what I was like as a child spending weekends at her house.
Maybe I would have had that or maybe she was meant to die young...sadly. RIP Gertrude Beiersdoerfer.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
A hope for the future...
About a month ago I was officially diagnosed with HPV, or Human Papillomavirus. (This is a fact that all of maybe five people knew about, and now anyone who reads my blog will know too.) I guess part of me just wanted to finally share this because of all the unease I've been having about it lately. Something like 1 out of every 2 sexually active females have it. And for most it will clear up on it's own. And then there's me. Not only do I have HPV, but I have a high-risk strand, which means my risk for cervical cancer is greatly increased. I told myself that I wouldn't write about my sex life on my blog anymore, but this has crossed far over just that portion of my life. When I went to my gynecologist in the middle of May, I was given my test results from the biopsies taken during my previous visit. The high-risk strand was confirmed, nothing new. However I received some other news, I had an infection in my cervix. The thing about HPV is that it creates abnormal cell growth and it's the cell growth that eventually leads to cancer if allowed to continue to grow.
I was given 3 options for treatment:
1. Do nothing and wait. Come back in 3 months for another pap smear and see if there are any changes. Positive or negative.
2. Have the abnormal cell growths frozen off and removed. However, this might not get the infection in my cervix.
3. Have a procedure called LEEP done, which involves a laser and unfortunately due to my age it can impact my ability to carry a baby to term or even conceive when I'm older.
Given those options what was I to do, but take option one. This choice could impact my life for negative, so why not air on the side of caution. It's been maybe 3 weeks since I made that decision. My partner at the time was relieved to hear that I was okay and was okay with everything as long as I was happy with the choice I made. I was and still am, however, I guess now more then before I've started to realize how I've slightly changed since learning that I had this. I strongly know now that I do want to carry my own child, and the thought that I may not be able to have a say in that due to this is a little saddening. However, it's still very early and things can change for the positive, but I also have to acknowledge that things can still change for the worse. Besides having the idea that my choice to carry my own child could be ripped out of my hands at any time, I've also come to realize that since I was told I have this at the beginning of May that sex just hasn't been the same. I've had two sexual encounters since learning of my diagnosis and I faked (for the most part) enjoyment because I was so worried that part of me was broken. Even now I haven't wanted to have sex in weeks. I know part of that is due to my falling out with my partner, but a large part of that is because I feel like how could anyone want to be with me? I am broken in a sense. What man wants to marry a woman who can't keep his family name alive? Or what's sexy about the girl at the bar with no desire to have sex? It's fucked up, but I always turn to my partner in my head for help, but he's gone. He has a new object of affection, so why would he want to deal with his old, broken one? And maybe that's one of the things that scares me so much is no matter how much he said, "This isn't going to make me run away. I'm not gonna run away from you because of this." On some level in my mind it still feels like that's why he left. Why should he have to deal with my issues, not like they affect him. And here I am sitting in my room, writing this blog and crying because even now I can't work up the courage to just talk to him. Even though I'm upset and we said we'd always be there for each other no matter what, I'd rather write this blog for the entire world to see. To share my story, and maybe, just maybe some other girl out there with a similar story to me will know that she's not alone...
I was given 3 options for treatment:
1. Do nothing and wait. Come back in 3 months for another pap smear and see if there are any changes. Positive or negative.
2. Have the abnormal cell growths frozen off and removed. However, this might not get the infection in my cervix.
3. Have a procedure called LEEP done, which involves a laser and unfortunately due to my age it can impact my ability to carry a baby to term or even conceive when I'm older.
Given those options what was I to do, but take option one. This choice could impact my life for negative, so why not air on the side of caution. It's been maybe 3 weeks since I made that decision. My partner at the time was relieved to hear that I was okay and was okay with everything as long as I was happy with the choice I made. I was and still am, however, I guess now more then before I've started to realize how I've slightly changed since learning that I had this. I strongly know now that I do want to carry my own child, and the thought that I may not be able to have a say in that due to this is a little saddening. However, it's still very early and things can change for the positive, but I also have to acknowledge that things can still change for the worse. Besides having the idea that my choice to carry my own child could be ripped out of my hands at any time, I've also come to realize that since I was told I have this at the beginning of May that sex just hasn't been the same. I've had two sexual encounters since learning of my diagnosis and I faked (for the most part) enjoyment because I was so worried that part of me was broken. Even now I haven't wanted to have sex in weeks. I know part of that is due to my falling out with my partner, but a large part of that is because I feel like how could anyone want to be with me? I am broken in a sense. What man wants to marry a woman who can't keep his family name alive? Or what's sexy about the girl at the bar with no desire to have sex? It's fucked up, but I always turn to my partner in my head for help, but he's gone. He has a new object of affection, so why would he want to deal with his old, broken one? And maybe that's one of the things that scares me so much is no matter how much he said, "This isn't going to make me run away. I'm not gonna run away from you because of this." On some level in my mind it still feels like that's why he left. Why should he have to deal with my issues, not like they affect him. And here I am sitting in my room, writing this blog and crying because even now I can't work up the courage to just talk to him. Even though I'm upset and we said we'd always be there for each other no matter what, I'd rather write this blog for the entire world to see. To share my story, and maybe, just maybe some other girl out there with a similar story to me will know that she's not alone...
Monday, June 20, 2011
9 days
It has been 9 days. You'd think I'd have stopped counting after four. Nope. In the grand scheme of my life this is hardly anything, but every time I have been driving or riding in a car...my mind has wondered to this. I'm getting tired of thinking about this. Clearly it's over and even if it's not...maybe it should be. Maybe this has gone on for too long. A year is a very long time, and even though I'd love to talk to you about this, I'm not sure I'm at the rational thought stage. In the car my ideas and thoughts make sense, but the second I'm out of the car I doubt what I've been thinking. So maybe I need a little more time to just myself, even if it is a similiar sensation to having a cat scratch on a sunburn. You don't really remember it hurts until you hit it again. And I'm just not sure I'm ready to really hit this burn yet. I am not over analysising this or looking too deep into 9 days. I'm just reflecting on the times that have passed and making some choices about my future. I wish I knew what was going on with you, but then again probably not. I don't need to know the details about her until I'm a hundred percent sure I even want to meet her...at your birthday party in 2 weeks. Sigh. There is a very strong part of me that wants to get my new hair cut & color before your party, so I can look like hot shit in front of her. And then I remember that no matter what I wear or how I look at your party that will not change how you currently feel about her and how you use to feel about me. Sometimes we just have to learn to adjust when life stops going in a direction we like. I liked being with you. You now like being with her. And I'm not a hundred percent sure I want to go back to our arrangement, this break has got me thinking that I might want it all or none at all. Although that thought scares the shit out of me, I have to at least acknowledge this thought. I guess I just need more time to process. It seems all I'm doing these days is processing my choices, processing my past, and processing my future. It seems that I've finally left the wonder and amazement of childhood behind and jumped head first into adulthood. Yay me.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Alive again...
I have been utterly horrible at writing here. What excuse can I use? Senior was so hetic, I never had time, I just didn't feel like it, blah blah blah... Well I've got shit for excuse. What can I say of my life and my thoughts of the last 5 to 6 months? I feel that filtering through all the thoughts, memories, and experiences of the last months will not only be an emotional overloaded, a jumble of thoughts, but also a non contextual look at my life. It is extremely difficult to justify the feelings I had without then explaining the situation, but then that too needs to be given background context. I must say that, that is too much for me to emotional handle right now. I had my ups and I had my downs. I graduated college and I left friends behind. I had dreams grow and dreams falter. It seems these days that I find myself in a crossroad more unusual then most recent college grads. Besides the normal, transition back into my childhood home under my parents rules, accepting that my friends are no longer a couple rooms down the hall, and the "what the fuck am I doing with my life" mindset, it seems I have other things to overcome. I'm in a transitional phase from lover to best friend, coming to terms with picking up my life to actually move to NYC, and the "my life is not shit, my life is shit" mindset. My mood seems to change as quickly as my thoughts do about my life, which change as often as my mood does. It's a nasty cycle and seeing these days that only time I leave my room more or less my house is to drive my brother to work everyday, it cycles through and through and through. I've taken to redesigning my entire room in order to create a different vibe in it and to always keep my sanity. I've also been contemplating writing stories again, you know force myself to write like a page or 2 a day. I feel obilgated to say that I'm not sorry how my life has turned out, I think its heading in the right direction. I also feel obligated to say that regardless of how things may turn out in the next couple of days or weeks, the tears I may shed and the angry posts I may write....that the last year has been one of the most eye opening, soul finding, spiritual awakening, and loving year I've had in all 21 years of my life. I am thankful for every moment, even the heart wrenching moments when it seemed the tears would never dry and time would never tick forward. I have loved and been loved in return. I have grown and shrank. Simply put the last year has been the year of me. A year of things I wanted and a year of experiences I earned. A year of dates, fights, late night talks, hysterical phone calls, alcohol induced confessions, laughter, and press of another's body.
Monday, January 3, 2011
I'll hug Hi Kitty...
It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. My life has been a hetic mess. And at this moment I'm feeling very sad. It's hard for me to admit this, but I didn't exactly realize how muched I missed someone until I spent the weekend with them. It was only when I got home I realized how alone I feel here. I know I will see them sometime soon again, but I can't shake this feeling. Being home in general makes sad, depressed. Ever since I've started school. Is it because I don't feel like I belong here anymore? Or is it that everyone I love and care about it so far away from me, spread out across the country? I use to think it was the clutter of the house that made me so upset and hate living here, but now I'm starting to think it's because there are other places I'd rather be then here. Or maybe because I didn't return to work this break, I've spent too much time in my room alone.....thinking. Lord knows I'm my own worst enemy when I have too much isolatred time to myself. All I can think right now is that, "I'm never gonna see everyone again." I know it's not true though. Tomorrow I'll see Britt at the gym, and hopefully I'll be seeing Kristin today or even sometime this week. I have no reason to be crying. I had a wonderful weekend with a person that means a lot to me, I live in a nice house, I'm enrolled in college, I have friends. But why do I feel so alone? I can't hold back the tears anymore. I thought last night when I cried before falling asleep, that that would be the end of this feeling, clearly I was wrong. Maybe the problem is, that in my room at my house I have no memories of my closests friends. In this world of my room, they don't exist because they've never been here. Could that be it? Or could this overwhelming feeling just be a reaction to my horomones acting up? I guess the issue right now is that I miss everyone and no matter how hard I cry that isn't going to change anything. I will see people soon, it's not the end of the world....it won't be the end of the world. I'll surivive even if I find that hard to believe right now.
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