A moment of clarity.

I've wanted to write the past couple days, but I haven't felt comfortable actually writing any of it down. I'm still not a hundred percent comfortable so this post will not only be both vague, but confusing. I've been going through my days in a fashion that can only be described as drifting. I went on the second date that guy, the beach. It went well, seeing as he kissed me before I left. Well actually, made out with me in his driveway is more like it. I find myself lost when it comes to him. He's cute, nice and I'm comfortable with him...and that's all I'll say about him in this post, because I don't want a written record of how I'm exactly feeling about him.

My world seems to be a mix of doubt, mistrust, hurt, abandonment, confusion, and hope. My mood changes at such drastic speed that it scares me. I'm fully functioning and content and then I want to slam my fist into the wall or I day dream about hurting someone...and I have come up with many different scenarios. I'm not a violent person, but my day dreams just ends with me beating my frustration out on this person. Then when its not my anger fighting to get out, I just get this washing feeling of sadness. I used to think that the sadness was just over my Ex choosing to be with someone else over me...then I slowly began to realize that I felt lied to, deceived and used. I've been doubting almost every experience I had with him over our year together. Was it really just sex? Was every time he told me it wasn't about sex, a lie? I don't want to talk to him, at all about our past...there's no point, it's in the past. I'm trying hard to find my answers and be happy with myself....and feeling lost along the way.

I've never been much a religious person, I just agreed with the religion forced upon me, but I did something last night that I haven't done in a very long time...I prayed. I know in an earlier post I said I would explain my "God and Goddess" comment, well...even though I was raised Catholic, I prefer to practise Wicca. I don't fully identify as a practitioner because it's been years since I've practised. I was heavily into it during middle school and the beginning of high school before the rest of my life became my focus. So last night when I prayed, I casted a circle (lit candles around me), I wrote two Rune symbols on my arm meaning healing, and asked the Goddess for help. I asked her to make me whole, to heal me from the inside out, to take away the darkness inside my heart. I asked her to heal my body and my heart. I asked her to take away my disease, my anger, and my hate for him. I cried and cried so hard while begging to be made whole again. I also begged her to forgive me. I felt so drained after I closed the circle and refreshed that I think I'm going to pray again tonight. And I realize my pagan ways may have some people looking at me completely different, but I'm done hiding it...I believe in the power of nature and the female and male energies of the universe. The concept of a fire place beneath me and a cloudy kingdom above me is to me more fantastical then praying to a male and female energy that controls the world....

And I'm not gonna really keep talking about my religious views cause this post was just to get some of my worries/thoughts off my mind. The date of my next doctor's appointment looms ahead in the future, 3 weeks. I still haven't come to terms with my HPV and I know that it's the root of my anger and hurt when it comes to my Ex. It feels like he forgot about me in regards to this, that I'm all alone in this. I worry how things could progress and if things didn't go well, how he'd be too busy loving and caring for his new girlfriend to even care about the problems he left me with...and I feel strange bringing a new person into this mess. I'm feeling very lost and hoping that praying will bringing me some guidance.

I uh miss uh you

So even though I was the one that left you...
because I wanted a relationship with you...
and you didn't want one with me...
because you like her better...
I still miss you, so much...
and the days were going okay,
because I had my anger...
and then that went away,
and you weren't on my mind as much...
and then yesterday was my birthday...
and I couldn't help, but think of you...
because last year I spent it with you...
you gave me my card at midnight,
made love to me and held me tight,
took me on a date that night to see Twilight,
and then held me until I feel asleep that night...
and so yesterday, I cried, hard, for you...
because it still hurts,
because I still love you,
because I miss you.
I don't want to miss you anymore...
I want to carry on with my life the way you carry on with yours,
by not thinking of me and spending time with someone else...
because let's be honest, I was always crying over you,
because I always knew that I was saying goodbye to you,
because you were never mine to begin with...

For you...

This is my last blog of night and hopefully my last angst one for a couple of days. I find it a bewildering thing to see the people I have loved and cared about grow away from me...after all our heart to hearts, crazy nights, and thoughtful texts....where are you now? What am I to you know? A familiar face stranger? It's only been two months since graduation and yet I can count on one hand the amount of times the effort on your side has been made to talk to me. I miss you and I'm not sure what exactly I did to get this shaft. Prehaps you've outgrown me...? You have no need for the girl that drove you to the ER when your roommates wouldn't, the girl who bought you a movie just to cheer you up when you were having a bad week, the girl who listened while you talked about the boy who was pulling the string of your heart, and the girl who no matter thick or thin was always just a phone call/text away from running to your room or you. Was the thing that drove you away from me, my own pursuit at love and sex? I was always right there in front of you. I know you never liked him and thought I deserved better, but I never weighed in on your love life. If anything I only tried to help my friend. I've only ever tried to help you and in turn sometimes when things got a little too much for me to bear on my own I'd turn to you...How can you use those moments against me to show me the error in my ways? Maybe you don't think that's what you're doing...it feels like that. It feels like I've been shunned, that a conscience choice was made to cut me out of your lives to bare minumium...til I'm only a speck of your past. The tiny dandylion seed floating in the breeze reminding you of what use to be....

A Poem.

Going through a stack of old papers today, I discover this poem that I wrote in High School. Its amazing how overlly dramatic I was then...

Bed of Black

I'm laying in a bed of black
the rain is falling all around me,
darkness swallowing me back.
I've lost all sense of time and love.

I hug my pillow, where you use to lay.
I'm alone in my darkness to slumber forever,
a tomb of numbness and isolation.

This bed of black is death to me;
a coffin of memories and fears.
This bed of black is my nightly grave,
where eternal damnation awaits.

And I'm tangled in the sheets of regret,
unable to sleep and escape my death.
The ceilings growing closer and the wallsa re closing in.
I'm losing myself and I'm taking a breath...

But it's not use, theykeep coming closer.
I close my eyes and think of you, my love.
We use to share this darkness together,
but you are no longer here, my lover.

But this bed of black is death to me;
a coffin of memories and fears.
This bed of black is my nightly grave,
where eternal damnation awaits...

It's not very rhymie and I'm not even sure what inspired it anymore, but one couplet sticks with me, "And I'm tangled in the sheets of regret/unable to sleep and escape my death." For whatever reason those lines make me want to get back writing my extremely sappy/overly dramatic love stories...prehaps I shall take up writing again. I have missed it.

Love Fades. And Dies.

I find it hard to describe the last week. My life has been a strange mix of soul searching, basketball games, and personal limits.

I recently betrayed someone I cared for very much, for hardly any reason at all. I essentially cheated on him, regardless what our official title was. It's petty for me to blame him for not giving us a title. It's not his fault. I made a stupid, mindless decision that was fueled purely by hormones. In retrospect, it is to date the worst mistake I've made. The issue of if I was a lying slut or truthful accomplice became an issue for the longest 15 hours of my life. I'm thankful that the involved party is working things out with his significant other. However, even though what I did was shitty, why does one party get a second chance and not the other? Why am I denied another chance? Supposedly I already had 3, I don't agree with that statement, but maybe that was our problem. As much as we cared for each other, ultimately we didn't agree on basic enough things, such as when our relationship started. Perhaps when I'm looking for someone to be with I should find someone who is willing to make mistakes with and work things out. I'm not saying he never allowed me to work things out on my own, he did. I don't have all the answers and I'm not perfect, I just need to find someone to stumble do the road with me.

Being back on campus to be trained as an orientation leader, has proved to be a difficult choice for me. Not only was I dealing with being characterized as the liar, but I was heartbroken and surrounded by people 24/7. It has been a strange transition. Trying to find alone time or escapes from my problems has proved to be awkward. With constant the questioning of "What's wrong?" and "Where are you going?" I've done my best to not snap people head's off. I may have talked about a little that's going on, but that doesn't mean I need a Mother watching over my every move. Luckily, the boys here have provided me with an easy escape: basketball. Not only have we been watching the playoffs, but we've been playing games. I like playing with the boys and I'm actually not that bad. Being physical on the court has allowed me to get a little of my frustrations out. My other outlet until yesterday was the book "Spirit Bound" by Rachel Mead. Great book, but oddly reflected all the issues I was dealing with. Two guys, cheating, danger, and conflict.

It's hard for me to write exactly how feel and this blog doesn't seem to quite express how I feel. Every night since I moved back into school, I've thought of phrases that described exactly how I feel, but upon waking forgot them. I must confess the realization that I'm actually alone now and no longer have that person in my life saddens me greatly. There have been times when all I've wanted is to be numb and alcohol seemed the best option, but alas I have not gone there. I'm making myself deal with the choice I made. I can't hide what I've done from myself. I did. It's over. There's no going back. I won't lie that every now and then I still hope that things will change, but the realist in me knows that I fucked the situation over. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I just feel lost. I feel like I'm wondering around the woods alone in the dark with only a matchbook. I pray that I soon find the path that leads me somewhere I can learn to live in.

Being back on campus is not the path I want however. Everything here reminds me of him. I found myself wondering around campus and in front of his old dorm. I'm stuffing folders and his face is on the advertisements. Stories that are shared somehow always relate back. Letting go has been hard enough as it is dealing with my guilt, but these constant reminders make it even harder. Perhaps I'll be able to stop missing him soon, until then I'll just have to take it day by day.

I'm Late, I'm Late for a Very Important Date...

"But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then..."




"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"
-Alice