A moment of clarity.

I've wanted to write the past couple days, but I haven't felt comfortable actually writing any of it down. I'm still not a hundred percent comfortable so this post will not only be both vague, but confusing. I've been going through my days in a fashion that can only be described as drifting. I went on the second date that guy, the beach. It went well, seeing as he kissed me before I left. Well actually, made out with me in his driveway is more like it. I find myself lost when it comes to him. He's cute, nice and I'm comfortable with him...and that's all I'll say about him in this post, because I don't want a written record of how I'm exactly feeling about him.

My world seems to be a mix of doubt, mistrust, hurt, abandonment, confusion, and hope. My mood changes at such drastic speed that it scares me. I'm fully functioning and content and then I want to slam my fist into the wall or I day dream about hurting someone...and I have come up with many different scenarios. I'm not a violent person, but my day dreams just ends with me beating my frustration out on this person. Then when its not my anger fighting to get out, I just get this washing feeling of sadness. I used to think that the sadness was just over my Ex choosing to be with someone else over me...then I slowly began to realize that I felt lied to, deceived and used. I've been doubting almost every experience I had with him over our year together. Was it really just sex? Was every time he told me it wasn't about sex, a lie? I don't want to talk to him, at all about our past...there's no point, it's in the past. I'm trying hard to find my answers and be happy with myself....and feeling lost along the way.

I've never been much a religious person, I just agreed with the religion forced upon me, but I did something last night that I haven't done in a very long time...I prayed. I know in an earlier post I said I would explain my "God and Goddess" comment, well...even though I was raised Catholic, I prefer to practise Wicca. I don't fully identify as a practitioner because it's been years since I've practised. I was heavily into it during middle school and the beginning of high school before the rest of my life became my focus. So last night when I prayed, I casted a circle (lit candles around me), I wrote two Rune symbols on my arm meaning healing, and asked the Goddess for help. I asked her to make me whole, to heal me from the inside out, to take away the darkness inside my heart. I asked her to heal my body and my heart. I asked her to take away my disease, my anger, and my hate for him. I cried and cried so hard while begging to be made whole again. I also begged her to forgive me. I felt so drained after I closed the circle and refreshed that I think I'm going to pray again tonight. And I realize my pagan ways may have some people looking at me completely different, but I'm done hiding it...I believe in the power of nature and the female and male energies of the universe. The concept of a fire place beneath me and a cloudy kingdom above me is to me more fantastical then praying to a male and female energy that controls the world....

And I'm not gonna really keep talking about my religious views cause this post was just to get some of my worries/thoughts off my mind. The date of my next doctor's appointment looms ahead in the future, 3 weeks. I still haven't come to terms with my HPV and I know that it's the root of my anger and hurt when it comes to my Ex. It feels like he forgot about me in regards to this, that I'm all alone in this. I worry how things could progress and if things didn't go well, how he'd be too busy loving and caring for his new girlfriend to even care about the problems he left me with...and I feel strange bringing a new person into this mess. I'm feeling very lost and hoping that praying will bringing me some guidance.