Personal Ad.

So zoning out at work I pieced together a personal ad.

Seeking intellectual individual, preferably male, 5'8" or taller, who enjoys reading books and watching films. Ability to hold a meaningful conversation, strongly preferred. Must be able to accept that I like vampires, classic Nintendo games, rock music, tattoos, and high heels. Sex skills required and will not be compromised. Interests in comics, video games, horror movies, and European culture, gladly accepted. Also, speaking a foreign language/sarcasm is a plus.

Sigh...know anyone who is single and fits this, send 'em my way.

The simple things...

In my quest to enjoy life more while I'm young and getting into the mindset of living every day of my senior year of college, I've been cherishing and savoring the little moments.

Enjoying the body heat of another person. The feel of someone's breath falling and rising against my body. The tangle of arms, allowing one's self to forget the boundaries of their own body and anothers. Leaving the person and hours later their scent still lingers on your skin and clothes. Feeling the absence of another. Laying in a room of friends and knowing that these are times I'll remember forever. Being woken up by laughing friends. That first good morning kiss, when you know you're just happy to wake up next to the person. Falling asleep while listening to someone's breathing. The early morning silence of being the first awake. The confession of overheard sleep mumblings. The realization that even in your sleep you can't hide your true feelings. The teasing meant only to get a rise out of someone. Listening to your friends debate topics you know nothing about. Being embrassed by the retelling of embrassing moments of the night before. The kiss that lingers on your lips even after you've said goodbye. I truely cherish these moments for they are the pieces that make a life.

A Year in Review

So I've been thinking about where and what I was doing this time last year. A year ago I was unemployed, laying around the house waiting for school to start and looking forward to the year ahead. Boy, if I only knew then what I know now. It seems this year I'm about in the same position, only I'm employed.

I've honestly been thinking about my junior year a lot in the last couple days. The year was a rollercoaster of ups and downs....I've definitely experienced every emotion on the human spectrum from love to grief and anger to joy. Let's start off with the fall shall we?

I started the fall semester off eager to prove myself and with a naive idea that nothing could go wrong. I had some great times with an amazing group of friends that would seem to carry on through out the year. I also started to dig myself into a hole in my love life. I don't why I ever thought things would work out for me. I look back at some of those early hangout times and laugh. Really? What the fuck? Those times are a blur of clipboard making, techno music, and late night duties. The semester started on such a high that it surprises me that my cynical side didn't see the downfall coming. Between the fallout of my roommates and the spiral downward into charming bullshit, winter break couldn't have come sooner.

Spring semester came early with my early return to campus for the Kennedy Center festival rehearsals. Being at the festival was one of the best weeks of the year hands down, where I met 4 great guys who'd I become friends with. I only talk to 2 still, I wonder whatever happened to those West Point boys? All the shit from the fall semester made me want to make the spring semester ten time better and to yet again prove myself amoung my peers. I struggled in my love life again, fighting to kick a habit. It makes me cringe to look back at those "times" and to think that I allowed myself to be victim to all the bullshit. Then of course the semester started to come to an end. I had to come to terms with losing people. Graduating friends and a dying grandfather always seemed to be on the back of my mind. Graduation itself scared the shit out of me. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to survive this summer.

My dying grandftaher complicated my family life to the point where weekend graduation parties couldn't come soon enough for me to escape. Then he passed and things overall started to look good in my life. Then that didn't really go to plan, my own doing...then came the 2 weeks of hell at Dean for orientation. There were times during those 2 weeks when I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to be my carefree self again or if the darkness would ever end. Fastforward a month and a half and here I am. I don't pretend that everything is perfect in my life, but as odd as it sounds I'm generally happy....even if some people think that my life is a little complicated and etc. I'm happy and I don't care anymore. Everytime I've ever planned anything out in my head it's been shit on. So I'm just gonna go with the flow. I'm going to follow my heart. I'm going to live every second of the upcoming school year. I'm live the sorrow, joy, and frustration that is bound to happen. I'm young and mistakes are meant to be made. Seems like a good motto to live the year by.

Inception

Alright, I know I'm late to see it, but sweet jesus that was such a good movie. Alright now I have to write out some of my crazy thoughts/theories about the film or I'll never sleep tonight. As the last scene came onto the screen I had an idea where the film would end [spoiler] a close up on the top with it spinning, it was if it would fall or not that I was unsure of. I realize that I will NEVER have the answers, but for tonight I need to logically try to figure this shit out.

Before I debate how the movie actually ended...there are certain facts/information revealed during the movie that must be considered truthful in order for these following theories to even be plausible.

1. Cobb was married & had 2 children with his wife(Mal).
2. Totems actually work.
3. Arthur and the gang are real people.
4.Cobb's motivation is to get home.

Alright so let's just say that from the way the film ends that the top is still spinning, when in Reality it should have fallen already. That leads the viewer to conclude that the Homecoming is a Dream. Let's accept that. Dream Homecoming is a dreamworld where the Fischer Mission has been completed and everyone is alive.

• This is where things take a left turn, so let's label this theory DH1[dream homecoming1]. In DH1 the Fischer Mission was Reality, but Cobb being lost in Limbo, while inder in the Fischer Mission, and is unable to get himself back to Reality, creates the Homecoming dream. Okay. Simple enough.
• DH2, while in Limbo with Saito as an old man. Cobb realizes what has happened, but Saito for whatever motivation doesn't want to return to Reality...shots Cobb, there by killing him and sending Cobb, yet further into Limbo. This is somewhat plausible, but the question remains whose dreamworld is that Limbo? When that dream architecture is first seen it's while Saito is under and Cobb & Arthur are under in an outside architect's dreamworld, making Cobb the architect of the dream-within-a-dreamworld. Ahh. Maybe?
• DH3, the Fischer Mission is fake. Is not real. The Fischer Mission was a dream created by Cobb in order for him to create a way for himself to accomplish his ultimate motivation/goal of seeing his childern again, since he finally sees their faces at the end of the film.Reasonible, but then when does Reality end? Does Reality end after the Fischer Inception is first suggested? When Cobb nods to offer is that where the Dream begins...for that you'd have to decide if his nod meant yes or 'I'll think about it".
• Let's say then that DH3 has some merit and all of the happenings after the helicopter is fake, a dream. That would mean that the Arthur shown throughout the rest of the film is Cobb's projection of what Arthur is. This also means that everyone on the "team" is a projection. Prehaps they are projections there to help protect Cobb's mind from Mal? Cobb's own military projection from the guilt of his wife's death. Which would mean what that, Cobb's deepest. darkest secret was that he had performed Inception on his wife and that ultimately had lead to her death?
• Alright last theory for these rules of Reality...the top wobbled at the end...does that mean if Cobb was in a dream that wherever he was having the dream was altering the gravitional pull of the Homecoming...say a plane perchance? Which strengthens the Limbo theory or is dreaming somewhere completely different that the viewer has no previous knowledge of?

Now let's say that when the top was wobbling at the end before the film cut out that it actually fell. That would mean that the Homecoming was Reality. Therefore validating the entire movie and all the dreamworlds as actual events in alternate realities. If that's true then the only question left is how did both Cobb and Saito jolt out of Limbo? Did Cobb shoot Saito or vice versa? Or neither? That one will probably always be unanswerable.

Okay. Now let's say for arguement's sake that the 4 previous rules stated are not truthful and cannot be seen as markers for Reality. Then the entire movie is a dream in which Cobb is constructing. Cobb never actually had a wife or children. Does that seem more plausible then any of the other theories? I feel like at least some part of the film had to have a sliver of Reality in it. I think that the four rules are true and that is what Reality is based on. As for what was a dream in reguards to the Fischer Mission....gahh I can't decide. I'd like to think that the Fischer Mission was apart of Reality and that the only question that remains is: Does Cobb escape Limbo with Saito to be reunited with his family or is the Homecoming the next Limbo for Cobb?

A foreign love.

A friend recommended the french film, "Paris Je T'aime" for my viewing pleasure. I absolutely enjoyed the film. I loved the different little films through out it. I must say Paris is so tempting on film. Out of all the stories I loved four in particular: Quais de Seine; La Marais; Bastille; 14e arronissement.

• Quais de Seine is the story of a chance. A young man who is sitting with his friends in a park. His friends attempt to pick up women by yelling things they think will perk the women's interest. A young Muslim woman sitting near finds the friends to be annoying and leaves, but trips. They mock her, while the young man comes to her rescue. They talk, she leaves. He then suddenly decides to find her at her Mosque. The idea of taking a chance like that is so romantic and alluring.

• La Marais is the story of lost words. A young french man meets a printshop worker and instantly believes him to be his soulmate. The other young man sits and listens to the french man pour his heart out to him. The french man leaves and it is saddly revealed that the printshop worker doesn't speak french well. The story ends with the printshop worker running down the street. It's hard to say what the ending means...to me I think he was running towards the young french man and not away. The things the french man said, even though the words were foreign, the feeling had to have still been there.

• Bastille is the story of reconnecting. A husband is meeting his wife in a restaurant to tell her that he is leaving her. As he watches her walk towards the restaurant, he tells the viewer all the things that he cannot stand about her anymore. It seems there is nothing left for them, especially once it is revealed that he has been having an affair for over a year. When the wife arrives at the table she begins to weep. The husband clearly thinks that she knows, but she hands him papers from the doctor. She's dying. He decides to stay with his wife. The story ends with, "In pretending to be a man in love, he became a man in love."

• 14e arrondissement is the story of growth. An American tourist spends 6 days in Paris by herself. She describes her adventures. Of all the stories her's is the most touching. I'm not sure if it's because I understand the joy and sadness she feels at the end or for another reason. When I visited Italy in high school it held that feeling for me too. "All I can say is that I felt, at the same time, joy and sadness. But not too much sadness, because I felt alive. Yes, alive. That was the moment I fell in love with Paris. And I felt Paris in love with me."

I'd love to visit Paris. This film has reminded me of that picture I saw as a child. It's not the same one as the one posted in this blog, but the idea is similiar. It's couple in front of the Eiffel Tower kissing and they seem in such love. I thought as a young girl, wouldn't that be great? It seems as a young woman I still feel that way. I love the way Paris looks, I love the way french sounds, and my heart still aches everytime I see a picture of a couple kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower. Maybe someday I can travel there with a boyfriend or maybe even a husband. Until then Paris....Je t'aime.

A Poem.

Going through a stack of old papers today, I discover this poem that I wrote in High School. Its amazing how overlly dramatic I was then...

Bed of Black

I'm laying in a bed of black
the rain is falling all around me,
darkness swallowing me back.
I've lost all sense of time and love.

I hug my pillow, where you use to lay.
I'm alone in my darkness to slumber forever,
a tomb of numbness and isolation.

This bed of black is death to me;
a coffin of memories and fears.
This bed of black is my nightly grave,
where eternal damnation awaits.

And I'm tangled in the sheets of regret,
unable to sleep and escape my death.
The ceilings growing closer and the wallsa re closing in.
I'm losing myself and I'm taking a breath...

But it's not use, theykeep coming closer.
I close my eyes and think of you, my love.
We use to share this darkness together,
but you are no longer here, my lover.

But this bed of black is death to me;
a coffin of memories and fears.
This bed of black is my nightly grave,
where eternal damnation awaits...

It's not very rhymie and I'm not even sure what inspired it anymore, but one couplet sticks with me, "And I'm tangled in the sheets of regret/unable to sleep and escape my death." For whatever reason those lines make me want to get back writing my extremely sappy/overly dramatic love stories...prehaps I shall take up writing again. I have missed it.

RIP Kitty Gaga

So the kitten myself and my brother's girlfriend, Jackie, like went missing around wednesday thursday of last week. My mother and I had decided that she had somehow gotten outside since she didn't come to her name, we didn't see her on the porch anywhere, and she hadn't gotten into the house. My little Gaga was gone and although remotely sad, I had hoped she'd just gotten lost in the woods and a nice family had taken her in. Unfortunately my mother found her dead on the porch, under a chair, earlier today. I had the pleasure of burying her. Can I just say you'd think I'd be use to this shit. Buried my grandfather about 2 months ago, buried another kitten about a month before that. Also let's not forget about the kitten I accidently hit in the driveway about 4-5 months ago...Prehaps this one was a bit more difficult because I actually had an attachment to this kitten. She's the first kitten/cat that I've liked thats died. All the others before her just ran away into the woods, never to be seen again. Hmm but life goes on, the world continues to turn, and tomorrow she'll be forgotten.