Alive again...

I have been utterly horrible at writing here. What excuse can I use? Senior was so hetic, I never had time, I just didn't feel like it, blah blah blah... Well I've got shit for excuse. What can I say of my life and my thoughts of the last 5 to 6 months? I feel that filtering through all the thoughts, memories, and experiences of the last months will not only be an emotional overloaded, a jumble of thoughts, but also a non contextual look at my life. It is extremely difficult to justify the feelings I had without then explaining the situation, but then that too needs to be given background context. I must say that, that is too much for me to emotional handle right now. I had my ups and I had my downs. I graduated college and I left friends behind. I had dreams grow and dreams falter. It seems these days that I find myself in a crossroad more unusual then most recent college grads. Besides the normal, transition back into my childhood home under my parents rules, accepting that my friends are no longer a couple rooms down the hall, and the "what the fuck am I doing with my life" mindset, it seems I have other things to overcome. I'm in a transitional phase from lover to best friend, coming to terms with picking up my life to actually move to NYC, and the "my life is not shit, my life is shit" mindset. My mood seems to change as quickly as my thoughts do about my life, which change as often as my mood does. It's a nasty cycle and seeing these days that only time I leave my room more or less my house is to drive my brother to work everyday, it cycles through and through and through. I've taken to redesigning my entire room in order to create a different vibe in it and to always keep my sanity. I've also been contemplating writing stories again, you know force myself to write like a page or 2 a day. I feel obilgated to say that I'm not sorry how my life has turned out, I think its heading in the right direction. I also feel obligated to say that regardless of how things may turn out in the next couple of days or weeks, the tears I may shed and the angry posts I may write....that the last year has been one of the most eye opening, soul finding, spiritual awakening, and loving year I've had in all 21 years of my life. I am thankful for every moment, even the heart wrenching moments when it seemed the tears would never dry and time would never tick forward. I have loved and been loved in return. I have grown and shrank. Simply put the last year has been the year of me. A year of things I wanted and a year of experiences I earned. A year of dates, fights, late night talks, hysterical phone calls, alcohol induced confessions, laughter, and press of another's body.

At heart I'm a Time Traveller.

I'm having extremely mixed feelings today. I can't decide if its because my hormones are going crazy right now or I just am generally feeling off. I'm leaning more towards the hormones, but anyways. So I was listening to some possible Showcase song choices, because crazy me is trying to choroegraph four peices to audition in about a month. But as the songs came on all I could think about was "How is this my life?" I want to so badly at this exact moment to be October of my Junior year. I would have made completely different choices. I first off would have given you a chance a hell of a lot sooner. I wouldn't have put myself through the bullshit. I would have tried to more things outside of Dean. I would have done so many things different. I'm not necessarily unhappy with the way my life is right now, I just don't like the circumstances that are pulling at the strings of future. There is so much doubt in my life right now that I guess I'm finally feeling a little unnerved by it. I'll go to class in an houra nd be fine, but right now I just want a second chance at the last 365 days of my life starting......now.

Like we never missed a day.

I have every reason to trust you and I do. I trust you with my heart, body, and soul. Then, why, I ask myself am I feeling the ever so small drop of doubt. I understand I have no right to know everything about your life anymore, I forfeited that right a long time ago. I won't lie though. It hurts. I don't know if it hurts me more that you didn't tell me who you were seeing, until I asked repeatedly or because you didn't tell me until you'd gotten back. Sigh. And I know the only reason I'm upset right now is because you're gone and I'm sitting in my condo waiting for your text to tell me you're safely home. Give me an hour to collect myself and I'll go back to living my life. That doesn't mean I'm moping, I'm just pondering things that could have been. This morning getting ready in the bathroom with you felt so natural, it makes me miss the idea I used to have of us living together. Sigh. I love you and I never get tired of saying it. I just wish that was enough. Bahhumbug. I need a nap and a clear head.

The simple things...

In my quest to enjoy life more while I'm young and getting into the mindset of living every day of my senior year of college, I've been cherishing and savoring the little moments.

Enjoying the body heat of another person. The feel of someone's breath falling and rising against my body. The tangle of arms, allowing one's self to forget the boundaries of their own body and anothers. Leaving the person and hours later their scent still lingers on your skin and clothes. Feeling the absence of another. Laying in a room of friends and knowing that these are times I'll remember forever. Being woken up by laughing friends. That first good morning kiss, when you know you're just happy to wake up next to the person. Falling asleep while listening to someone's breathing. The early morning silence of being the first awake. The confession of overheard sleep mumblings. The realization that even in your sleep you can't hide your true feelings. The teasing meant only to get a rise out of someone. Listening to your friends debate topics you know nothing about. Being embrassed by the retelling of embrassing moments of the night before. The kiss that lingers on your lips even after you've said goodbye. I truely cherish these moments for they are the pieces that make a life.

A Year in Review

So I've been thinking about where and what I was doing this time last year. A year ago I was unemployed, laying around the house waiting for school to start and looking forward to the year ahead. Boy, if I only knew then what I know now. It seems this year I'm about in the same position, only I'm employed.

I've honestly been thinking about my junior year a lot in the last couple days. The year was a rollercoaster of ups and downs....I've definitely experienced every emotion on the human spectrum from love to grief and anger to joy. Let's start off with the fall shall we?

I started the fall semester off eager to prove myself and with a naive idea that nothing could go wrong. I had some great times with an amazing group of friends that would seem to carry on through out the year. I also started to dig myself into a hole in my love life. I don't why I ever thought things would work out for me. I look back at some of those early hangout times and laugh. Really? What the fuck? Those times are a blur of clipboard making, techno music, and late night duties. The semester started on such a high that it surprises me that my cynical side didn't see the downfall coming. Between the fallout of my roommates and the spiral downward into charming bullshit, winter break couldn't have come sooner.

Spring semester came early with my early return to campus for the Kennedy Center festival rehearsals. Being at the festival was one of the best weeks of the year hands down, where I met 4 great guys who'd I become friends with. I only talk to 2 still, I wonder whatever happened to those West Point boys? All the shit from the fall semester made me want to make the spring semester ten time better and to yet again prove myself amoung my peers. I struggled in my love life again, fighting to kick a habit. It makes me cringe to look back at those "times" and to think that I allowed myself to be victim to all the bullshit. Then of course the semester started to come to an end. I had to come to terms with losing people. Graduating friends and a dying grandfather always seemed to be on the back of my mind. Graduation itself scared the shit out of me. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to survive this summer.

My dying grandftaher complicated my family life to the point where weekend graduation parties couldn't come soon enough for me to escape. Then he passed and things overall started to look good in my life. Then that didn't really go to plan, my own doing...then came the 2 weeks of hell at Dean for orientation. There were times during those 2 weeks when I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to be my carefree self again or if the darkness would ever end. Fastforward a month and a half and here I am. I don't pretend that everything is perfect in my life, but as odd as it sounds I'm generally happy....even if some people think that my life is a little complicated and etc. I'm happy and I don't care anymore. Everytime I've ever planned anything out in my head it's been shit on. So I'm just gonna go with the flow. I'm going to follow my heart. I'm going to live every second of the upcoming school year. I'm live the sorrow, joy, and frustration that is bound to happen. I'm young and mistakes are meant to be made. Seems like a good motto to live the year by.