Just blah.

I haven't felt very grounded since my last post, except when I was taking my hikes in the woods by these large lakes near my house. My life is at the moment a little uneasy with tensions between a few my friends and me, family issues arising, setbacks in meeting my goals in order to move to New York City within the year, and soul searching questions that have made me question what I really want. I must confess for the amount I am an honest and open on this blog, I am also vague and guarded. There are a handful of things in my life that I haven't written about in its entirity or at all due to my unease with the subjects, but I'm reaching the point where it seems the more I just try to keep things to myself and shutout everyone from these things, the more upset some people get with me. My blog has never been written for anyone other than me, so it has never been my intention to upset people with my posts, but I feel I must stand my ground on certain matters...such as, if I wish to vaguely write about something on this blog, but do not talk about it in person, there's a good reason. I probably don't have the courage to actually form the words to speak, unlike the ease that comes with writing them. Also anyone who's known me offline for long enough know that the summers between school, including high school, has been a time for me when I tend to shut everyone out in order to have me time...however this year due to the semi permanment nature of this summer stretching into the rest of my life, I have hung out with people that are close by to fight off the loneliness from moving back into my house, my uneasy break up with my ex, and the questioning that I assume that comes with finishing college and moving onto the next step. I am my own person and process and deal with things in different ways then others, I'm not going to keep apologizing for being me. If anyone even cares why I truely haven't been talking to lot of people here are the reasons: I didn't want to talk about my break up and how it made me feel to certain people, to be honest I think I've really only talked to like 2 people about it. Also, I've been spending an insane amount of time with Alex, since due to her horrible car accident cannot leave the house and she lives only ten minutes from me. Her house not only doesn't get good cell service, but due to her being crippled, as she says, and the amount of people that come to visit her in waves, my attention is consumed for hours by her and/or her vistors. Then when I'm not teaching or at Alex's...I'm in my room working on some projects, dealing with problems, or actually attempting to get out of the house and have a good time. I spend enough with Alex and dealing with family shit, that it could be a full time job...and yet I don't complain about any of it, because that's not who I am. I love spending time with Alex and the family stuff is so up and down that its hard to decribe my feelings about it. In regards to the family stuff...I have a sick/possibly dying family member; worries about my father being laid off come fall/winter due to no work with his company; my brother getting his licsence back, so that come sept I don't have him to drive to and from work every day so that I can actually get a day job; things in the house breaking, like the well and how we didn't have water for a full week; my own health issues; my father's health, since his job pays most of the bills; my parents getting a divorce, since my mom has told me she's threatened my dad with it if he doesn't do some things around the house, which makes me hope that she's joking, but still I worry; my extended family's continued silence to not only my family but the rest of dad's side; the health of my aunt; paying back student loans...There's a lot of shit of my own to deal with, on top of being upset about the break up; dealing with the fact that my best friend is now my ex and therefor makes our relationship more complicated; seeing all the shit that Alex's is going through and wondering how can I complain when I'm able to walk, drive and leave the house... So sorry if I don't feel like talking about everything and all of this to people.

2nd time around.

Did some retail therapy today and got two awesome dresses and a romper. Oh two pairs of cute earrings. Had my interview with the studio, that I have a feeling I probably won't be working at...eh there are others. However, I received a text while shopping that put a smile on my face. The guy from the date I went on last week wanted to make plans. Which we have, for Saturday. We're going to the beach down the street from his house. I'm driving there with hopefully a friend if I can find one to go. But I'm like a little nervous to have him see me in a bikini cause I want him to like me. Gah. Being a girl comes with way too many worries.

Yes 3rd post of the day...

I don't why I keep posting so much today, prehaps its because my mind hasn't stop buzzing since I woke up this morning. My life is changing so much. I see so many doors opening for me in places I don't think to look before...or doors I thought I had lost the key to are suddenly unlocked and opening. My life doesn't feel as negative as it has in the past couple weeks. I'm not saying there aren't those moments when I just want to cease to exist, oh there are, but I find more and more reasons to push forward. Tomorrow, I have an interview with a dance studio in Westborough, that's about an hour away from me. Wednesday, I have an interview with a dance studio in North Attleboro. Of course Tuesday and Thursday night I'm teaching. And Friday I have been invited to a party. Hell fucking yeah this week seems good. I will be shopping tomorrow and hanging with Alex when I'm not interviewing or teaching. I should be seeing Kristin, also later in the week. Going to be a great week. I bought a new bookcase at Ikea yesterday, so once I've built it [haha] I'll post my photos of it and while I'm at it...Starting tomorrow, push ups and core exercising in preparation for my friend's party in three weeks. I will have an even killer body for it. I've already started getting my tan on, so I look healthy and not deathly. I'm gonna buy a bomb outfit for it and if the stars are lined up for me, I might have a guest to bring with me. That part is extremely up in the air, but a girl can hope. Look out world, something inside of me is clawing to get out and I think I'm finally ready to let it.

The Dating World.

Okay so in preparation for my date tomorrow, I've been reading articles from magazines about the Dos and Don'ts about first dates. From what I've gathered the Dos are:

• be yourself
• wear something comfortable
• don't wear heels cause you don't know if you'll do a lot of walking
• hair down sends a better message then an updo
• natural makeup

Don'ts:

• wear an outfit you've never worn before
• talk about exs or sex
• mindlessly babble or complain about your life
• drink too much

So what I've gathered is too appear just enough of you to keep them interested, but don't let them know about any of your crazy... So my question is, what are you supposed to do when they ask a question, that can't be answered without talking about one of the things you're not supposed to? Or how do you go out to drinks without drinking too much? And how much is too much? 2 drinks? 4 drinks?

When I'm not worrying about "dating rules" I'm worrying about what to wear, how to do my hair, what shoes, how much make up...I want to wear heels (my foot will probably kill), but I'm worried I'll seem too tall. And then I worry if he walks me to my car, will he care that I drive a minivan? I worry that I'll say something stupid, or better yet have that awkward moment of silence when I have no idea what to say. And I'm worried about how to cover my disgusting foot because both flats and heels will show it. Sneakers are not date shoes and I don't know if I can get my foot into a pair of boots. Plus are boots summer wear? Ugh. I have no idea what to wear, I think a dress is a good bet, but they're all a little short. Skirts are a definite no go, way too short. It's too hot for pants...dresses it is then. And I'm freaking out/babbling for no reason. It's a date. One date. Ugh.

Teaching my first class.

So I'm home from my first time teaching and besides my foot pounding (I broke it open again a little, uh) I feel like I did a good job. The girls were a little nervous and didn't talk the entire time, but they seemed to enjoy it. We did  a combination to "Baby" by Justin Bieber and we'll be continuing it on Thursday. I realized that what I thought seven year olds could handle is not what seven year olds can handle. I need to simplify things more then I had thought to. It was only a 45 minute class, but I found myself wondering how I'd make it through it. There came a point during the class when I teaching the combo that I thought they weren't enjoying it so I told them to lip sync the song. I swear I did more cheesey facial expressions during that then I have done in all my cruise line auditions. Prehaps next audition I'll pretend I'm teaching children. Today's class was Hip Hop and in 2 weeks I'll be teaching modern, which will hopefully calm me down a little. I also have an interview with a studio in Westborough on Monday and I'm scheduling another intereview with one in Scituate. Both these studios are like an hour away from me, but I'm actually looking forward to interviewing there. Am I falling in love with teaching or just happy at the possibilty of being employed?

Le Foot.

So this is my foot hours after the incident. You know, the one when I was pushed into a lake and tripped over a rock and cut my foot open.

Pretty nice huh?

And this my foot Saturday, 6 days after.

Looks like shit, right? It feels like shit still too. Not all the time. Mainly after I sit for a good chunk of time and then try to walk again....I can feel my skin pull. Ugh. And the pulse behind the cut, which I'm sure I've rebroken open at least 3 times since it originally happened. I cannot wait for those little white sterile strips to come off. I think they hurt more then the amazing scab I'm gonna have, you know before it turns into an even better scar. My foot remains a little swollen the last couple days, around the injuried area. I still can't point my foot or wear shoes that aren't my flip flops without pain. I'm not supposed to get it wet either, which is how I came up with the brillant idea of saran wrapping my foot in order to take a shower. After taping the saran wrap to my foot, I was more than pleasantly surprised to see it worked.

Now if only it'll stop hurting enough that I can wear flats, maybe heels for a date I'm supposed to go on this week, not to mention I'm supposed to be going to the club Saturday for my birthday. This foot is taking a little longer to heal then I thought it would. It also seems to be the only topic that a certain person, seems to care about talking to me about. I understand that he may be worried about me, but I'm getting a little tired of it. I honestly don't think you can be that worried about me...if anything your guilt is hurting you. So I think it's more out of guilt then actually caring about me that drives these conversations. I stand my ground on the belief that I cared for you more then you ever cared for me.

Confession.

So recently I have allowed my negative and bitter feelings to sort of, maybe, almost totally comsume my life. After some reflective time outside today and rereading some recent text messages I sent while intoxicated, I realized I need some readjustment of my feelings. I admit I internalize things, I don't like to get unwanted attention, I don't like inconviencing people, I don't like being a burden. So imagine my surprise when it seems this starts to backfire on me.

I've been depressed about the lack of control of my life. No job, no one to love me, no moving to New York for another year, no friends left in my home town. I have never, and I repeat never had an eating problem before...I love food. I eat like a fat kid, normally. But I'd say the last 1 1/2 to 2 weeks I haven't  really been eating. I'd have a yogurt or cereal for breakfast, eat no lunch, munch on some wheat thins, and then have some of whatever my parents made for dinner.I just haven't felt hungry cause I haven't really been doing much besides lounging around my house. I'd say it was just me adjusting to the sudden summer weather, since me and heat always seems to disagree at the beginning of the summer...but this weekend kinda tipped me off that I need more food.

Friday. I had a bagel from dunkin dounts with strawberry cream cheese and an iced coffee and went to the beach. A small cup of ice cream and I can't remember what for dinner.

Saturday. Yogurt in the morning. Large gatorade after a 2 mile walk. Then had all of 6 raviolis for dinner, before driving to Onset to go to Britteny's family's cookout. I had some more wheat thins with hummus.


I woke up Sunday morning at 4 a.m. in a dead sweat and pounding headache. I figured because I feel asleep without my AC on that was reason, so I turned it on and went back to sleep. Fast forward to 7 a.m. when I wake up feeling like some kicked my head in, my headache was that bad, and to top it off I felt nauseous. I knew I needed fluids and food asap. So I picked my body up out of my bed and journeyed to go downstairs. I didn't make it to my bedroom door before my eyes went black, head was pulsing to my heartbeat, and I felt like I was gonna overheat [even though my AC was set to 69 degrees]. I knew this was not good. I continued heading downstairs, at the bottom of the stairs my eyes went black again, so I sat on the bottom step for a moment. Got myself an OJ, gatorade and banana and made my way back up to my room. I then forced myself to down the OJ and banana before going back to bed. When I woke up at 10 a.m. I felt like the things before had never happened. I knew I probably shouldn't drink or go to the cookout, but fuck that. It was my fault that I hadn't eaten and I was not going to miss having a good time, plus I felt fine. And to be completely honest besides the accident with my foot, I can say that I've felt healthy and fine since then. Minus the morning after drinking for 12 hours, I never eat the morning after drinking.

Sunday. To go orange juice and a banana. Large gatorade. Bowl of cereal and then off to Sturbridge for my friend's cookout/birthday party. Starting drinking vodka and sprite. Had some clam chowdah and macaroni salad. More vodka and sprite. Triscuits. More vodka and sprite.
Monday. 5 bites of a dunkin donuts bagel with strawberry cream cheese. A hot dog before going to the ER to get my foot looked at. Wheat thins and some other snack things after.

I have started eating again this week, forcing myself to. Partly because I know I need to and partly because of the antibiotics I'm on. I guess besides Sunday morning, my tip off was that I've lost 4 pounds in the last week. I haven't weighed myself this week, Saturday was the last day I did. I weighed in at 126. [Now I know I'm skinny and I'm not stating this to brag]. When I left school I was about 133/135. Sometime in June I settled into 130 because of some lose of what I assume to be muscle tone and the summer weather. Due to my height I shouldn't really be 126. I'm borderline underweight/normal. My BMI is 18.6, anything below 18.5 is underweight. I know that I shouldn't have used food to control any part of my life. I don't need to be on a diet, so not eating isn't really an option for me. I acknowledge that I am indeed depressed. I can't just not eat because I'm depressed. Getting skinnier isn't going to bring him back or make me prettier. I still need calories even if I'm not as active as I used to be. I promise everyone that I will start taking care of myself again. Last week was my version of rock bottom. I don't like being there and I don't want to go back there. I will not allow myself to alter myself because of someone else conscience or unconsciously. I will not be weak. I will not be weak anymore.

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage

So my feelings of punching you in the face still haven't died down from sunday, so I'd say it's safe to assume I'm still pretty pissed at you. And what, may you ask has gotten me all bent out of shape? Oh trust me I'll be writing it all down.

"Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart as well as your body
And can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love as well as your folly"

Clearly meeting your new girl-thing, whatever she is, and honestly I'm not being a horrible person, but I can't remember her name, upset me. And I'm not gonna trash talk her cause really I can't be mad to her, just you. Plus, I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but I still think you deserve someone better then a copy of your brother's girlfriend. It was lovely going to a party I was told that my presence was wanted at and yet, besides feeling like a pawn for everyone's amusement, the only real interaction we had was when you cut my foot open and then guiltly helped mend me up. Part of me feels like we wouldn't have really talked if that hadn't happen, and don't try to deny it. You were attached to your new girl's hip the entire time. There's nothing more I love then watching my friend act like a puppy following around his brother and his girlfriend. C'mon even Steph called you out in the car to me, that you weren't social even to her. As awful as it is for me to say this, but Scott acted like a better friend to me over the last year then you did at your party. That's a little fucked up.

"A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections"

You know why I was drunk from the moment I showed at your mom's house until after you left? Cause I was biting my tongue the entire time. I was trying to be the mature one, trying to act like everything was okay. And it's not like I can't handle interact with you, feels like you can't. I had venom in my veins, especially after you cut up my foot. I could have been the nastiest bitch, but I took the high road the entire time at your mom's...and then I get to Hurley's and I feel like I can fucking relax, stop feeling anxious and nope you bring her, which I knew you would, but ehh. Steph said I was more mature then she is cause she would have flipped a shit. She told me that I should have started screaming or like pulled hair or something. I laughed, I wouldn't fight, as much as my blood was boiling at you, I just drank it away instead.


And what the fuck was up with you at Hurley's? I don't know what's going on in your fucking head, I don't know if everything is okay with you...you know since we hardly ever talk, but c'mon clearly somethings going on in there. And when you played beer pong with her, I was like, "Hmm never did that with me..." I was just always the drunk girl to take home at the end of night, huh? And I had to laugh at myself cause if I stayed attached to you the way she did at the party I would have been smothering you and then we would have had to have a talk about it the next day...oh man double standards. And then, oh the kicker...when you left...one arm awkward hug and a "sorry about your foot", you've got to be fucking with me. I cried after you left. I was texting my friend trying to get myself together, but of course your little friend Andy found me crying. And I know you know that me made out. I'm not sorry about it and I don't have to explain anything. But you know he was just the icing on the cake for me for an awesome party, totally.When everyone started to go to bed or had left, I didn't want to go upstairs to sleep. Why would I want to do that? I was just gonna lay in bed and think about all the things you were probably doing with her and how she was probably in what was my side of the bed...So I kept my mind occupied and stayed up talking with Andy and Mike. Then Mike left. And I stayed up talking with Andy. And then he turned off the living room lights and kissed me. I should have guessed from how he kept asking me if I was going to be okay about you that he was gonna try something eventually. And I probably should have just gone upstairs to bed when he asked if I was okay with it, but I was lonely and it felt nice to not feel like a freak. And just to be held...and all I could think was how it felt nothing like you, it just felt empty. Just a shallow experience.And he told me how your mom asked him to run interference since "your two girlfriends were here" Ha. Ha. Ha. Wow the cherry on the shit on me sundae is completely. No wonder your mom kept asking if I needed anything at her house and then I get hurt. I'm sure that looked even better. Just everyone's fucking amusement. The charity case. The poor, hurt girl. You realize you hurting my foot is the perfect metaphor for our relationship...you didn't mean to, you were just trying to have fun, but you didn't mean to hurt me..


"But tell me now, where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart..."

I guess I still just don't understand your reasoning for not wanting a relationship with me too, which pisses me off. Cause I think your reasoning is a little horseshit to be frank.

Distance. Really? After a year distance is a issue still? Is an hour and a half really any different then the hour it was to Dean? I don't really think so. Plus you said you wanted to meet my parents, so clearly the idea of driving to my house then wasn't that big of deal. So I'm gonna call bullshit on this one.

Your work. I accept that work is your first thing so that you can get into grad school and all, but really? I'm pretty sure if you date her over me, you'll still be putting one of us a little bit before work in your life. So bullshit again.

Me moving. Umm, when was the last time you ever actually fucking talked or asked me about this? Cause I can't remember. Funny thing is I always planned to move by the end of the summer, but let's be real. I have no job and no money. I took a teaching job purposely to make myself stay at home to work and save money over the next year, I didn't choose to stay here because of you. Which doesn't mean that you aren't important to me, I just figured if you know you actually ever loved me like you said you did we could be adults, if we were dating, when it came time for me to move and we could maybe try the long distance thing...so I'm still gonna call a little bullshit on this one.

Her. I'm assuming you like her, but you know I couldn't tell if you just really wanted to be with Chris's girlfriend or you just liked that she was new. She's not something you can play with. Eventually you'll give her the same line you gave me, "I care about and I don't want to hurt you, but..." It's fucked I'm saying this, but don't break her heart like you broke mine...cause I don't think she's like me, she won't be able to be friends with you after.

And I guess what tops it all off is that your sorry about my foot. I know you are, but that doesn't change anything. I get to hobble around for the next fucking week with this stupid ass shoe and after it's all over? I'll just have a huge scar I'll get to actually see everyday. So while I'm stuck at home all fucking week nursing this stupid foot and you're out with her, I hope you think of me...laying in bed, depressed, numbly staring at the tv, cause that's all I've got in front of me for the week. And I swear to fucking God if I can't go to NYC to take dance classes on my birthday cause my foot isn't healed, I'm not only going to deck you in the face when I see you, I won't stop hitting you until you make me.

Children.

I spent the day at the beach with my friend, Britteny (you can read her blog here) and her family, which consisted of her mom, sister, 2 nieces and her nephew. The girls are 4 and 6 I believe, and Lucas is 13 months. I would normally say that, "I hate children" or "Eww children", but I have to say that spending the day with them remind me both how annoying children are...and cute and I want my own. Uhh that one statement that makes my stomach flip. I want my own. Not adopted, my own. I've never had a job babysitting and all my younger cousins are either 2-6 years behind me or when they were a baby I was just starting 6th grade...maybe. So my exposure to children is limited...so imagine my surprise when I'm suddenly watching the girls boogie boarding and I'm worried that the water is going take them under. What? Later the girls are climbing around on the rocks at the beach and I'm think, "Gah if she's not careful she's gonna fall and hurt herself." Excuse me? Where did this motherly instinct come from? Why, when in high school I couldn't stand to be left alone in a room with a small child, am I wanting to hold Lucas? Why on God's green earth am I worrying every two seconds where the kids are and who is around them? They're not even mine! I guess I can no longer deny what I feel...about children...and the longing I have for a little one of my own. Of course I'm talking about when I'm at a point in both my career and life in which I can comfortably support a child.

I doubt I will ever tell my mother this until I meet a man who will commit to me in the sense that he wants to raise a family, my feelings on the subject of marriage are still iffy.

So while trying to get my tan on, since I'm so pale, I spent the day worrying. Not worrying over if my partner, whom I still can't decide to put ex, old, or nothing in front of, is gonna text me or what he's doing with the new girl...or if I've lost him to her already...Instead I'm worrying about children. Of course my mind then drifts to the subject of me actually being able to have one. I don't know if it's because I have so much time on my hands to think about my future or the fact that it is indeed in the front of my mind, but I am indeed worried that I won't be able to have children. And that thought terrifies me more than failing at my career or disappointing my parents. What if due to the HPV, I can't carry a child? As a woman, I lose an identifier. As a human, I feel like a failure. Nature, which I believe so strongly in, chooses to take that right away from me...nature which is so stable, steps aside to let chance take a turn at the game. Sometime over the last year with my partner, I found self worth in the realm of relationships, sex, and love...before then I had nothing. I use to doubt so strongly how anyone could find me attractive, until him. And even now at times I still doubt... so someone tell me how, if in the next 3 years it's discovered that the HPV has changed the cells in my uterus that I have to have treatment, and that said treatment leaves me scarred, am I supposed to have self worth with myself as a woman? I want a child, yet due to things beyond my control and one roll around in the sheets, I cannot have one? I can't describe the uneasy that creates inside me. So given my newly discovered strong motherly instincts, it's not surprising that the subject is on my mind. And thenthe thought, "what man could love me then?" follows closely behind.

Sometimes I truly hate thinking about things so much.

I went to Peaceful Meadows & Cupcake Charlie's in Plymouth...So good. And since I didn't walk yesterday my friend, Kristin, and I walked around Plymouth for almost an hour. It was her birthday and we're broke college kids so that's what we do for fun during the summer. Doesn't my cupcake look delishious? I didn't eat it at the time and it's currently in my fridge. I can't wait for desert tonight. Mmmm, yummy. I got an orange cream cupcake, while Kristin got chocolate chip cookie cupcake...which she left in my room...which means I have 2 cupcakes...oh boy, guess I'll give one to my dad. Today was good, kept my mind busy, vented to friend all day about everything, and got sunshine. Oh I also bought a new dress that Kristin picked out for me. Hopefully after this weekend I'll have some photos of it to share.

1.8

So in my attempt to fill the days until I start teaching dance, have I mentioned that I'll be teaching children from September to June? Yeah, I don' think I have. I got hired at the studio that I grew up dancing at to teach Modern and Hip Hop. The studio is having a Hip Hop summer session, that I as the new teacher am supposed to be teaching. So when I'm not freaking out about choreographing combos, I download music. All I can say is that I must have downloaded at least 300 songs already....and maybe only 120 of those still remain in my iTunes library.

Right, so when I'm not dowloading music or attempting to choreograph combos, I'm looking on Craig's List for jobs [generally a frustrating waste of time] or filling my time with mindless tv/internet. I do on occasion find a friend to hang out with or a project to do...so yesterday I started something that I said I'd do daily, but I'm fighting with myself to do it right now...I walked to this lake thats near my house and back...1.8 miles.

Okay, I may be a dancer, but that does not mean I am able to jog. I tried to jog part of that yesterday, HA! Felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest...so I'll stick to the walking, even if my legs are a bit sore today. Which is the main reason I'm fighting myself to get dressed and go walk. However, due to me being a dancer and not a gym going person, I lack the clothes. All the clothes I would use are in the laundry and I don't think a leotard would work for this. So once I'm done writing this blog, I'll find a sports bra and some pair of pants that aren't sweatpants and walk....hopefully, to be completely honest I just really want a cupcake from Cupcake Charlie's and a coffee from Marylou's in Plymouth, MA...sigh. Prehaps tomorrow for Kristin's 20th birthday.

On the subject of birthdays: Yesterday was Steph's, tomorrow is Kristin's, Friday is Nick's, Saturday is Alexa's and mine is coming up very, very soon [15 days].

The Alphabet & Me.

Ambition: Share my love of dance with the world...oh and get to NYC.
Bad Habit: beating myself up when I'm already down
City: live: Middleboro; want to visit at this very moment: Worms, Germany
Drink: Peach iced tea
Education: BA in Dance.
Food: hmm soy yogurt and california sushi rolls.
Guilty Pleasure: Victoria Secret, I shop there waaaay too much, and V-necks I always find a reason to buy one.
Hometown: Middleboro, MA
Ice Cream: Black raspberry
Jonesing for: a vacation of some form and someone to cuddle with
Kryptonite: Children...and yet I will be teaching them in the fall, haha
Look-a-like: I don't think I have one...
Movie: Titanic, Interview with the Vampire, and The Fountain.
Nickname: Helsinki, Garcie
Obsession: Vampires,  Hello Kitty, and dance.
Perfume: VS Very Sexy Now and Paris Hilton
Quirk: I sometime act out scenes by myself cause I'm bored, or I'll talk in an accent just for fun
Regret: Not having started to save money to move while I was in school
Starbucks: Caramel Frappuccinco
Thrift Find of the Year: Hmm so far I'd have to say the yoga pants I got from VS today for 11.99 instead of 49, boo yeah
University: I wanted to go to University of Texas Austin...
Vacation: Uh I want to go to New Orleans
Wine: Um no thanks...I'm still trying to find one I like
X: Haha eX's are fun, see I made a joke out of it...
Years: Almost 22
Zen: Sitting out in the woods or driving.

Stole this idea from Nicole. If you decide to do this too, leave a link in the comments so I can read it. =]

Alive again...

I have been utterly horrible at writing here. What excuse can I use? Senior was so hetic, I never had time, I just didn't feel like it, blah blah blah... Well I've got shit for excuse. What can I say of my life and my thoughts of the last 5 to 6 months? I feel that filtering through all the thoughts, memories, and experiences of the last months will not only be an emotional overloaded, a jumble of thoughts, but also a non contextual look at my life. It is extremely difficult to justify the feelings I had without then explaining the situation, but then that too needs to be given background context. I must say that, that is too much for me to emotional handle right now. I had my ups and I had my downs. I graduated college and I left friends behind. I had dreams grow and dreams falter. It seems these days that I find myself in a crossroad more unusual then most recent college grads. Besides the normal, transition back into my childhood home under my parents rules, accepting that my friends are no longer a couple rooms down the hall, and the "what the fuck am I doing with my life" mindset, it seems I have other things to overcome. I'm in a transitional phase from lover to best friend, coming to terms with picking up my life to actually move to NYC, and the "my life is not shit, my life is shit" mindset. My mood seems to change as quickly as my thoughts do about my life, which change as often as my mood does. It's a nasty cycle and seeing these days that only time I leave my room more or less my house is to drive my brother to work everyday, it cycles through and through and through. I've taken to redesigning my entire room in order to create a different vibe in it and to always keep my sanity. I've also been contemplating writing stories again, you know force myself to write like a page or 2 a day. I feel obilgated to say that I'm not sorry how my life has turned out, I think its heading in the right direction. I also feel obligated to say that regardless of how things may turn out in the next couple of days or weeks, the tears I may shed and the angry posts I may write....that the last year has been one of the most eye opening, soul finding, spiritual awakening, and loving year I've had in all 21 years of my life. I am thankful for every moment, even the heart wrenching moments when it seemed the tears would never dry and time would never tick forward. I have loved and been loved in return. I have grown and shrank. Simply put the last year has been the year of me. A year of things I wanted and a year of experiences I earned. A year of dates, fights, late night talks, hysterical phone calls, alcohol induced confessions, laughter, and press of another's body.

Personal Ad.

So zoning out at work I pieced together a personal ad.

Seeking intellectual individual, preferably male, 5'8" or taller, who enjoys reading books and watching films. Ability to hold a meaningful conversation, strongly preferred. Must be able to accept that I like vampires, classic Nintendo games, rock music, tattoos, and high heels. Sex skills required and will not be compromised. Interests in comics, video games, horror movies, and European culture, gladly accepted. Also, speaking a foreign language/sarcasm is a plus.

Sigh...know anyone who is single and fits this, send 'em my way.

The simple things...

In my quest to enjoy life more while I'm young and getting into the mindset of living every day of my senior year of college, I've been cherishing and savoring the little moments.

Enjoying the body heat of another person. The feel of someone's breath falling and rising against my body. The tangle of arms, allowing one's self to forget the boundaries of their own body and anothers. Leaving the person and hours later their scent still lingers on your skin and clothes. Feeling the absence of another. Laying in a room of friends and knowing that these are times I'll remember forever. Being woken up by laughing friends. That first good morning kiss, when you know you're just happy to wake up next to the person. Falling asleep while listening to someone's breathing. The early morning silence of being the first awake. The confession of overheard sleep mumblings. The realization that even in your sleep you can't hide your true feelings. The teasing meant only to get a rise out of someone. Listening to your friends debate topics you know nothing about. Being embrassed by the retelling of embrassing moments of the night before. The kiss that lingers on your lips even after you've said goodbye. I truely cherish these moments for they are the pieces that make a life.

A Year in Review

So I've been thinking about where and what I was doing this time last year. A year ago I was unemployed, laying around the house waiting for school to start and looking forward to the year ahead. Boy, if I only knew then what I know now. It seems this year I'm about in the same position, only I'm employed.

I've honestly been thinking about my junior year a lot in the last couple days. The year was a rollercoaster of ups and downs....I've definitely experienced every emotion on the human spectrum from love to grief and anger to joy. Let's start off with the fall shall we?

I started the fall semester off eager to prove myself and with a naive idea that nothing could go wrong. I had some great times with an amazing group of friends that would seem to carry on through out the year. I also started to dig myself into a hole in my love life. I don't why I ever thought things would work out for me. I look back at some of those early hangout times and laugh. Really? What the fuck? Those times are a blur of clipboard making, techno music, and late night duties. The semester started on such a high that it surprises me that my cynical side didn't see the downfall coming. Between the fallout of my roommates and the spiral downward into charming bullshit, winter break couldn't have come sooner.

Spring semester came early with my early return to campus for the Kennedy Center festival rehearsals. Being at the festival was one of the best weeks of the year hands down, where I met 4 great guys who'd I become friends with. I only talk to 2 still, I wonder whatever happened to those West Point boys? All the shit from the fall semester made me want to make the spring semester ten time better and to yet again prove myself amoung my peers. I struggled in my love life again, fighting to kick a habit. It makes me cringe to look back at those "times" and to think that I allowed myself to be victim to all the bullshit. Then of course the semester started to come to an end. I had to come to terms with losing people. Graduating friends and a dying grandfather always seemed to be on the back of my mind. Graduation itself scared the shit out of me. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to survive this summer.

My dying grandftaher complicated my family life to the point where weekend graduation parties couldn't come soon enough for me to escape. Then he passed and things overall started to look good in my life. Then that didn't really go to plan, my own doing...then came the 2 weeks of hell at Dean for orientation. There were times during those 2 weeks when I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to be my carefree self again or if the darkness would ever end. Fastforward a month and a half and here I am. I don't pretend that everything is perfect in my life, but as odd as it sounds I'm generally happy....even if some people think that my life is a little complicated and etc. I'm happy and I don't care anymore. Everytime I've ever planned anything out in my head it's been shit on. So I'm just gonna go with the flow. I'm going to follow my heart. I'm going to live every second of the upcoming school year. I'm live the sorrow, joy, and frustration that is bound to happen. I'm young and mistakes are meant to be made. Seems like a good motto to live the year by.

RIP Kitty Gaga

So the kitten myself and my brother's girlfriend, Jackie, like went missing around wednesday thursday of last week. My mother and I had decided that she had somehow gotten outside since she didn't come to her name, we didn't see her on the porch anywhere, and she hadn't gotten into the house. My little Gaga was gone and although remotely sad, I had hoped she'd just gotten lost in the woods and a nice family had taken her in. Unfortunately my mother found her dead on the porch, under a chair, earlier today. I had the pleasure of burying her. Can I just say you'd think I'd be use to this shit. Buried my grandfather about 2 months ago, buried another kitten about a month before that. Also let's not forget about the kitten I accidently hit in the driveway about 4-5 months ago...Prehaps this one was a bit more difficult because I actually had an attachment to this kitten. She's the first kitten/cat that I've liked thats died. All the others before her just ran away into the woods, never to be seen again. Hmm but life goes on, the world continues to turn, and tomorrow she'll be forgotten.

Vanilla Twilight

I want to lay on a blanket, cuddle up to a person, and look at stars like these. It seems I'm always working days at walmart, that I only ever get to see the stars. I wish the stars looked like these at my house. I want a night of star gazing.

My 21st Birthday

My first legal alcoholic drink. =] I had one of the best birthdays I've had in a while and it was surprisingly simple for a 21st. The stroke of midnight on the 14th of July I received a text from my favorite Ginger in the whole world. Her awesome text was followed by mind blowing sex. I must say I cannot recall a time where I couldn't form a sentence like I couldn't then. The sensation of my wits vacating my mind like that is oddly liberating and pleasureable. I must repeat the experience more often since I throughly enjoyed it. After a rather peaceful and refreshing sleep, we hopped in the shower. I shall admit the idea of being this completely open and vunerable (as much as a shower can be) with the other person was a bit nerve racking. There's something oddly intimate for me about actually showering with another person and I'm not talking about sex in the shower. I literally mean showering with another person. Body and hair washing were taking place. It was pleasant to allow myself to be taken care of since I hardly let my guard down. Overall it was an experience I wouldn't mind repeating with the right person. After the shower we went back to laying in bed and watched a television show called In Treatment. The show is rather intelligent and interesting in the way a car accident is. My only interest in watching the show besides the fact that my partner enjoys it, is that I want to see how the patients on the show tear apart their lives in therapy. My partner then suggested that we see Twilight Saga's Eclipse, since I had yet to see it. I agreed of course and off we then went to see Eclipse. I knew he wouldn't enjoy the movie at all, but it was amusing to think that he was seeing just because I wanted to. He survived the the two hours and we then found ourselves at dinner. We ventured to the Texas Roadhouse, which made me miss the actual state of Texas and the San Antonio Riverwalk. It's funny that the only two times I've been out to dinner with just him, we seem to run into someone that he knows working at the resturant. Of course I immediately feel out of place. I wonder if I'll ever get over that sensation, I fear I never will. I order my first drink and got carded. It was liberating knowing that when I handed over my ID I didn't have to worry about it being rejected. The drive home was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I was definitely buzzed singing the music on the radio was we drove down the highway. And then we ended the day with the same way we started it. A simple enough 21st and yet the most rewarding in my eyes. The only part of the night that I wished hadn't happened the way it did was when I finally uttered the phrase that's been plaguing my thoughts. I cannot tell you how many times in the last 3 weeks I've wanted to confess them. However, I just always felt that in bed was probably the worst place to say them. I did it though. I said, "I love you." As much as I'd like to tell myself that its a useless emotion, its not. Loving a person allows you to learn how to open yourself to the world. In the context of my partner, the feeling plays little in our relationship. We allow ourselves to take from each other what we need and desire. I desire the physical intimacy and the emotional bonding he gives me. What I give him, only he can speak for. I realize people may disagree with my laidback view of giving myself away...to be frank, I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of trying to live by other people's definitions of love, relationships, and social interactions. Life is a journey of struggles and experieces. This is what I want to experience. This is what I want right now. When I no longer want this lifestyle or decide to become more conservative then I will listen to some of the people in my life. And I don't know how this blog started off as one detailing my 21st birthday and is ending this "fuck you" note to some people, but alas I can never seem to control my stream of consciousness.

I could use a little rain....

I wish it rain like this so that I could dance outside right now. I want to feel the water course down my skin and my clothes sticking to my body. I want to be free.