So my feelings of punching you in the face still haven't died down from sunday, so I'd say it's safe to assume I'm still pretty pissed at you. And what, may you ask has gotten me all bent out of shape? Oh trust me I'll be writing it all down.
"Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart as well as your body
And can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love as well as your folly"
Clearly meeting your new girl-thing, whatever she is, and honestly I'm not being a horrible person, but I can't remember her name, upset me. And I'm not gonna trash talk her cause really I can't be mad to her, just you. Plus, I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but I still think you deserve someone better then a copy of your brother's girlfriend. It was lovely going to a party I was told that my presence was wanted at and yet, besides feeling like a pawn for everyone's amusement, the only real interaction we had was when you cut my foot open and then guiltly helped mend me up. Part of me feels like we wouldn't have really talked if that hadn't happen, and don't try to deny it. You were attached to your new girl's hip the entire time. There's nothing more I love then watching my friend act like a puppy following around his brother and his girlfriend. C'mon even Steph called you out in the car to me, that you weren't social even to her. As awful as it is for me to say this, but Scott acted like a better friend to me over the last year then you did at your party. That's a little fucked up.
"A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections"
You know why I was drunk from the moment I showed at your mom's house until after you left? Cause I was biting my tongue the entire time. I was trying to be the mature one, trying to act like everything was okay. And it's not like I can't handle interact with you, feels like you can't. I had venom in my veins, especially after you cut up my foot. I could have been the nastiest bitch, but I took the high road the entire time at your mom's...and then I get to Hurley's and I feel like I can fucking relax, stop feeling anxious and nope you bring her, which I knew you would, but ehh. Steph said I was more mature then she is cause she would have flipped a shit. She told me that I should have started screaming or like pulled hair or something. I laughed, I wouldn't fight, as much as my blood was boiling at you, I just drank it away instead.
And what the fuck was up with you at Hurley's? I don't know what's going on in your fucking head, I don't know if everything is okay with you...you know since we hardly ever talk, but c'mon clearly somethings going on in there. And when you played beer pong with her, I was like, "Hmm never did that with me..." I was just always the drunk girl to take home at the end of night, huh? And I had to laugh at myself cause if I stayed attached to you the way she did at the party I would have been smothering you and then we would have had to have a talk about it the next day...oh man double standards. And then, oh the kicker...when you left...one arm awkward hug and a "sorry about your foot", you've got to be fucking with me. I cried after you left. I was texting my friend trying to get myself together, but of course your little friend Andy found me crying. And I know you know that me made out. I'm not sorry about it and I don't have to explain anything. But you know he was just the icing on the cake for me for an awesome party, totally.When everyone started to go to bed or had left, I didn't want to go upstairs to sleep. Why would I want to do that? I was just gonna lay in bed and think about all the things you were probably doing with her and how she was probably in what was my side of the bed...So I kept my mind occupied and stayed up talking with Andy and Mike. Then Mike left. And I stayed up talking with Andy. And then he turned off the living room lights and kissed me. I should have guessed from how he kept asking me if I was going to be okay about you that he was gonna try something eventually. And I probably should have just gone upstairs to bed when he asked if I was okay with it, but I was lonely and it felt nice to not feel like a freak. And just to be held...and all I could think was how it felt nothing like you, it just felt empty. Just a shallow experience.And he told me how your mom asked him to run interference since "your two girlfriends were here" Ha. Ha. Ha. Wow the cherry on the shit on me sundae is completely. No wonder your mom kept asking if I needed anything at her house and then I get hurt. I'm sure that looked even better. Just everyone's fucking amusement. The charity case. The poor, hurt girl. You realize you hurting my foot is the perfect metaphor for our relationship...you didn't mean to, you were just trying to have fun, but you didn't mean to hurt me..
"But tell me now, where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart..."
I guess I still just don't understand your reasoning for not wanting a relationship with me too, which pisses me off. Cause I think your reasoning is a little horseshit to be frank.
Distance. Really? After a year distance is a issue still? Is an hour and a half really any different then the hour it was to Dean? I don't really think so. Plus you said you wanted to meet my parents, so clearly the idea of driving to my house then wasn't that big of deal. So I'm gonna call bullshit on this one.
Your work. I accept that work is your first thing so that you can get into grad school and all, but really? I'm pretty sure if you date her over me, you'll still be putting one of us a little bit before work in your life. So bullshit again.
Me moving. Umm, when was the last time you ever actually fucking talked or asked me about this? Cause I can't remember. Funny thing is I always planned to move by the end of the summer, but let's be real. I have no job and no money. I took a teaching job purposely to make myself stay at home to work and save money over the next year, I didn't choose to stay here because of you. Which doesn't mean that you aren't important to me, I just figured if you know you actually ever loved me like you said you did we could be adults, if we were dating, when it came time for me to move and we could maybe try the long distance thing...so I'm still gonna call a little bullshit on this one.
Her. I'm assuming you like her, but you know I couldn't tell if you just really wanted to be with Chris's girlfriend or you just liked that she was new. She's not something you can play with. Eventually you'll give her the same line you gave me, "I care about and I don't want to hurt you, but..." It's fucked I'm saying this, but don't break her heart like you broke mine...cause I don't think she's like me, she won't be able to be friends with you after.
And I guess what tops it all off is that your sorry about my foot. I know you are, but that doesn't change anything. I get to hobble around for the next fucking week with this stupid ass shoe and after it's all over? I'll just have a huge scar I'll get to actually see everyday. So while I'm stuck at home all fucking week nursing this stupid foot and you're out with her, I hope you think of me...laying in bed, depressed, numbly staring at the tv, cause that's all I've got in front of me for the week. And I swear to fucking God if I can't go to NYC to take dance classes on my birthday cause my foot isn't healed, I'm not only going to deck you in the face when I see you, I won't stop hitting you until you make me.
No comments:
Post a Comment