1.8

So in my attempt to fill the days until I start teaching dance, have I mentioned that I'll be teaching children from September to June? Yeah, I don' think I have. I got hired at the studio that I grew up dancing at to teach Modern and Hip Hop. The studio is having a Hip Hop summer session, that I as the new teacher am supposed to be teaching. So when I'm not freaking out about choreographing combos, I download music. All I can say is that I must have downloaded at least 300 songs already....and maybe only 120 of those still remain in my iTunes library.

Right, so when I'm not dowloading music or attempting to choreograph combos, I'm looking on Craig's List for jobs [generally a frustrating waste of time] or filling my time with mindless tv/internet. I do on occasion find a friend to hang out with or a project to do...so yesterday I started something that I said I'd do daily, but I'm fighting with myself to do it right now...I walked to this lake thats near my house and back...1.8 miles.

Okay, I may be a dancer, but that does not mean I am able to jog. I tried to jog part of that yesterday, HA! Felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest...so I'll stick to the walking, even if my legs are a bit sore today. Which is the main reason I'm fighting myself to get dressed and go walk. However, due to me being a dancer and not a gym going person, I lack the clothes. All the clothes I would use are in the laundry and I don't think a leotard would work for this. So once I'm done writing this blog, I'll find a sports bra and some pair of pants that aren't sweatpants and walk....hopefully, to be completely honest I just really want a cupcake from Cupcake Charlie's and a coffee from Marylou's in Plymouth, MA...sigh. Prehaps tomorrow for Kristin's 20th birthday.

On the subject of birthdays: Yesterday was Steph's, tomorrow is Kristin's, Friday is Nick's, Saturday is Alexa's and mine is coming up very, very soon [15 days].

I've walked miles in your shoes...

I've taken up walking in order to sort out my thoughts. I pretty much walk everyday. On average I walk a mile a day, yesterday I walked four. Sometimes I walk to the park and sit to think. I've passed anywhere from 3o minutes to an hour sitting there by myself. I've even taken up laying in Grant Filed staring at the night sky. Yet, still with all this time for thinking I find myself struggling to find answers. Most of the time I jsut find more questions. I'm getting sick of questions. I don't want to have to keep working out things for myself. Call me lazy, pathetic, or whatnot...I'm just tired of having to sort things out. And no I can't just let things happen. There a couple important things in my life I need to sort. I'm getting afraid that I'll never have the answers to the questions I've discovered. I've always wondered why certain people get tested the most, and as I used to tell a friend, "the strongest people are tested the most." Bullshit. I don't feel strong. I feel fucking lost. I feel like someone's dropped me out a plane in Montana with a map of Wymoing and said, "Find Texas." What the fuck? So many things in my life that I thought I had the answers for, just don't seem to fit anymore. Like where do you go to meet new people? A bar? An art exhibit? How long is too long to hang on to somebody? Is it really that unhealthly to just throw in the towel on relationships? When does being professional draw close to the line of losing myself? I'm so fucking lost. I'm lost like an American in China. I don't speak whatever language every other fucking adult speaks when it comes to this shit. There are only so many times I lay on Grant Field and stare at the sky and think, "How can such petty things keep me down, when there's a whole universe out there?" I don't know. I don't fucking know. I haven't felt like crying in a couple of days, but I have a feeling another breakdown is coming. If I could just figure out one bloody question, I might be able to ease off myself.