Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I've walked miles in your shoes...
I've taken up walking in order to sort out my thoughts. I pretty much walk everyday. On average I walk a mile a day, yesterday I walked four. Sometimes I walk to the park and sit to think. I've passed anywhere from 3o minutes to an hour sitting there by myself. I've even taken up laying in Grant Filed staring at the night sky. Yet, still with all this time for thinking I find myself struggling to find answers. Most of the time I jsut find more questions. I'm getting sick of questions. I don't want to have to keep working out things for myself. Call me lazy, pathetic, or whatnot...I'm just tired of having to sort things out. And no I can't just let things happen. There a couple important things in my life I need to sort. I'm getting afraid that I'll never have the answers to the questions I've discovered. I've always wondered why certain people get tested the most, and as I used to tell a friend, "the strongest people are tested the most." Bullshit. I don't feel strong. I feel fucking lost. I feel like someone's dropped me out a plane in Montana with a map of Wymoing and said, "Find Texas." What the fuck? So many things in my life that I thought I had the answers for, just don't seem to fit anymore. Like where do you go to meet new people? A bar? An art exhibit? How long is too long to hang on to somebody? Is it really that unhealthly to just throw in the towel on relationships? When does being professional draw close to the line of losing myself? I'm so fucking lost. I'm lost like an American in China. I don't speak whatever language every other fucking adult speaks when it comes to this shit. There are only so many times I lay on Grant Field and stare at the sky and think, "How can such petty things keep me down, when there's a whole universe out there?" I don't know. I don't fucking know. I haven't felt like crying in a couple of days, but I have a feeling another breakdown is coming. If I could just figure out one bloody question, I might be able to ease off myself.
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Sarah, even though this isn't a very happy post, I think it's my favorite one you've written. It's honest and I can really hear you saying these words.
ReplyDeleteI know it doesn't seem like it now, and people telling you this probably just makes you angry (sorry), but others go through situations like yours, and you are not alone.
Allow yourself to feel scared and lost because without those hurtful feelings, the "whole universe" is kind of pointless. You know that brutally sore feeling after the first few days of class? I think that's what's happening to you now-- but you know that if you keep going & keep learning, it will be better on the other side.
I know you will be okay, because you're a strong person. And keep walking, keep looking at the stars--sometimes questions are better than answers, trust yourself.
<3
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ReplyDeleteSarah, I agree with what Alivia said.
ReplyDeleteAnd I remember, 3 years ago when I felt the exact same way. A relationship ended and I felt lost, confused and I couldn't make sense of anything. I tried to focus on other things like my family, my friends and dance of course. That really seemed to help put the situation into perspective. And it may be hard to believe right now, but trust me when I say that special people come into your life when you least expect it. It happens more often than we all believe.
You are strong, and I hope things get better for you. Just remember that everything happens for a reason, and something better is waiting for you.. you just don't know it yet.
: )