Just blah.

I haven't felt very grounded since my last post, except when I was taking my hikes in the woods by these large lakes near my house. My life is at the moment a little uneasy with tensions between a few my friends and me, family issues arising, setbacks in meeting my goals in order to move to New York City within the year, and soul searching questions that have made me question what I really want. I must confess for the amount I am an honest and open on this blog, I am also vague and guarded. There are a handful of things in my life that I haven't written about in its entirity or at all due to my unease with the subjects, but I'm reaching the point where it seems the more I just try to keep things to myself and shutout everyone from these things, the more upset some people get with me. My blog has never been written for anyone other than me, so it has never been my intention to upset people with my posts, but I feel I must stand my ground on certain matters...such as, if I wish to vaguely write about something on this blog, but do not talk about it in person, there's a good reason. I probably don't have the courage to actually form the words to speak, unlike the ease that comes with writing them. Also anyone who's known me offline for long enough know that the summers between school, including high school, has been a time for me when I tend to shut everyone out in order to have me time...however this year due to the semi permanment nature of this summer stretching into the rest of my life, I have hung out with people that are close by to fight off the loneliness from moving back into my house, my uneasy break up with my ex, and the questioning that I assume that comes with finishing college and moving onto the next step. I am my own person and process and deal with things in different ways then others, I'm not going to keep apologizing for being me. If anyone even cares why I truely haven't been talking to lot of people here are the reasons: I didn't want to talk about my break up and how it made me feel to certain people, to be honest I think I've really only talked to like 2 people about it. Also, I've been spending an insane amount of time with Alex, since due to her horrible car accident cannot leave the house and she lives only ten minutes from me. Her house not only doesn't get good cell service, but due to her being crippled, as she says, and the amount of people that come to visit her in waves, my attention is consumed for hours by her and/or her vistors. Then when I'm not teaching or at Alex's...I'm in my room working on some projects, dealing with problems, or actually attempting to get out of the house and have a good time. I spend enough with Alex and dealing with family shit, that it could be a full time job...and yet I don't complain about any of it, because that's not who I am. I love spending time with Alex and the family stuff is so up and down that its hard to decribe my feelings about it. In regards to the family stuff...I have a sick/possibly dying family member; worries about my father being laid off come fall/winter due to no work with his company; my brother getting his licsence back, so that come sept I don't have him to drive to and from work every day so that I can actually get a day job; things in the house breaking, like the well and how we didn't have water for a full week; my own health issues; my father's health, since his job pays most of the bills; my parents getting a divorce, since my mom has told me she's threatened my dad with it if he doesn't do some things around the house, which makes me hope that she's joking, but still I worry; my extended family's continued silence to not only my family but the rest of dad's side; the health of my aunt; paying back student loans...There's a lot of shit of my own to deal with, on top of being upset about the break up; dealing with the fact that my best friend is now my ex and therefor makes our relationship more complicated; seeing all the shit that Alex's is going through and wondering how can I complain when I'm able to walk, drive and leave the house... So sorry if I don't feel like talking about everything and all of this to people.