Showing posts with label mistake. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mistake. Show all posts
Friday, October 1, 2010
Not Such an Easy A.
I saw the movie "Easy A" tonight and now it's got me thinking. I've been doing some thinking about my life. For anyone who's seen the movie you know she gets the guy at the end....The whole movie is about self worth and it's ironic that my conseling session this week brought that up. I need to feel enough self worth. Enough to be with a guy and enough to feel that I deserve a good guy. Let's look at my track record...hmmm Guy A dragged me all over the emotion spectrum; Guy B never talked to me after sleeping with me; Guy C showed some real promise until I made one mistake and can't move past it; Guy D gave me happiness for an extremely brief time and who knows what the fuck is going to happen with it, my guess would be nothing. The connecting factor between all the Guys is how I allowed myself to be treated with. I never felt like I was good enough and I just wanted someone to be there so I went along with things even when I found them to be shitty. Granted Guys C and D are the best half of the Guys. Sigh. I deserve to be with a guy who wants to be with me. I deserve to be with someone cares about me. I deserve to be with a guy who can forgive me. I deserve to be with a guy who will love me. I deserve so much better than what I've had before. I deserve to be happy. I'm tired of putting in all the work. I'm tired of being the creative of one. I want the guy that's gonna surprise me with flowers the day a casting list goes up, because if I make it they say "congrats" and if I don't make it they say, "I'm sorry". I want to be thought of in a way that doesn't make the person feel anger. I hate that my reputation is "easy", "sex crazed", "willing to spread for anyone". Fuck off. It was one fucking time and one fucking mistake. And some people say that it was almost four months ago and no one's judging me anymore. Fuck you they're not. Sure some people just say whatever about it now...and other it's either something they hate me for or like to make jokes at me for. I want to feel less shitty about enjoying sex and wanting to be with someone sexually that I have some emotional feelings for. I want to be able to call someone to make plans with. I wanna go on dates. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I want someone to gve me a reason to be happy with my life. I want someone to proud of the things I'm doing with my life. I want to have someone come see the shows I'm in and actually care about how my rehearsals are going. I want an equal partner and to not feel like I'm always making up for something I've done wrong. I want a new start.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Love Fades. And Dies.
I find it hard to describe the last week. My life has been a strange mix of soul searching, basketball games, and personal limits.
I recently betrayed someone I cared for very much, for hardly any reason at all. I essentially cheated on him, regardless what our official title was. It's petty for me to blame him for not giving us a title. It's not his fault. I made a stupid, mindless decision that was fueled purely by hormones. In retrospect, it is to date the worst mistake I've made. The issue of if I was a lying slut or truthful accomplice became an issue for the longest 15 hours of my life. I'm thankful that the involved party is working things out with his significant other. However, even though what I did was shitty, why does one party get a second chance and not the other? Why am I denied another chance? Supposedly I already had 3, I don't agree with that statement, but maybe that was our problem. As much as we cared for each other, ultimately we didn't agree on basic enough things, such as when our relationship started. Perhaps when I'm looking for someone to be with I should find someone who is willing to make mistakes with and work things out. I'm not saying he never allowed me to work things out on my own, he did. I don't have all the answers and I'm not perfect, I just need to find someone to stumble do the road with me.
Being back on campus to be trained as an orientation leader, has proved to be a difficult choice for me. Not only was I dealing with being characterized as the liar, but I was heartbroken and surrounded by people 24/7. It has been a strange transition. Trying to find alone time or escapes from my problems has proved to be awkward. With constant the questioning of "What's wrong?" and "Where are you going?" I've done my best to not snap people head's off. I may have talked about a little that's going on, but that doesn't mean I need a Mother watching over my every move. Luckily, the boys here have provided me with an easy escape: basketball. Not only have we been watching the playoffs, but we've been playing games. I like playing with the boys and I'm actually not that bad. Being physical on the court has allowed me to get a little of my frustrations out. My other outlet until yesterday was the book "Spirit Bound" by Rachel Mead. Great book, but oddly reflected all the issues I was dealing with. Two guys, cheating, danger, and conflict.
It's hard for me to write exactly how feel and this blog doesn't seem to quite express how I feel. Every night since I moved back into school, I've thought of phrases that described exactly how I feel, but upon waking forgot them. I must confess the realization that I'm actually alone now and no longer have that person in my life saddens me greatly. There have been times when all I've wanted is to be numb and alcohol seemed the best option, but alas I have not gone there. I'm making myself deal with the choice I made. I can't hide what I've done from myself. I did. It's over. There's no going back. I won't lie that every now and then I still hope that things will change, but the realist in me knows that I fucked the situation over. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I just feel lost. I feel like I'm wondering around the woods alone in the dark with only a matchbook. I pray that I soon find the path that leads me somewhere I can learn to live in.
Being back on campus is not the path I want however. Everything here reminds me of him. I found myself wondering around campus and in front of his old dorm. I'm stuffing folders and his face is on the advertisements. Stories that are shared somehow always relate back. Letting go has been hard enough as it is dealing with my guilt, but these constant reminders make it even harder. Perhaps I'll be able to stop missing him soon, until then I'll just have to take it day by day.
I recently betrayed someone I cared for very much, for hardly any reason at all. I essentially cheated on him, regardless what our official title was. It's petty for me to blame him for not giving us a title. It's not his fault. I made a stupid, mindless decision that was fueled purely by hormones. In retrospect, it is to date the worst mistake I've made. The issue of if I was a lying slut or truthful accomplice became an issue for the longest 15 hours of my life. I'm thankful that the involved party is working things out with his significant other. However, even though what I did was shitty, why does one party get a second chance and not the other? Why am I denied another chance? Supposedly I already had 3, I don't agree with that statement, but maybe that was our problem. As much as we cared for each other, ultimately we didn't agree on basic enough things, such as when our relationship started. Perhaps when I'm looking for someone to be with I should find someone who is willing to make mistakes with and work things out. I'm not saying he never allowed me to work things out on my own, he did. I don't have all the answers and I'm not perfect, I just need to find someone to stumble do the road with me.
Being back on campus to be trained as an orientation leader, has proved to be a difficult choice for me. Not only was I dealing with being characterized as the liar, but I was heartbroken and surrounded by people 24/7. It has been a strange transition. Trying to find alone time or escapes from my problems has proved to be awkward. With constant the questioning of "What's wrong?" and "Where are you going?" I've done my best to not snap people head's off. I may have talked about a little that's going on, but that doesn't mean I need a Mother watching over my every move. Luckily, the boys here have provided me with an easy escape: basketball. Not only have we been watching the playoffs, but we've been playing games. I like playing with the boys and I'm actually not that bad. Being physical on the court has allowed me to get a little of my frustrations out. My other outlet until yesterday was the book "Spirit Bound" by Rachel Mead. Great book, but oddly reflected all the issues I was dealing with. Two guys, cheating, danger, and conflict.
It's hard for me to write exactly how feel and this blog doesn't seem to quite express how I feel. Every night since I moved back into school, I've thought of phrases that described exactly how I feel, but upon waking forgot them. I must confess the realization that I'm actually alone now and no longer have that person in my life saddens me greatly. There have been times when all I've wanted is to be numb and alcohol seemed the best option, but alas I have not gone there. I'm making myself deal with the choice I made. I can't hide what I've done from myself. I did. It's over. There's no going back. I won't lie that every now and then I still hope that things will change, but the realist in me knows that I fucked the situation over. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I just feel lost. I feel like I'm wondering around the woods alone in the dark with only a matchbook. I pray that I soon find the path that leads me somewhere I can learn to live in.
Being back on campus is not the path I want however. Everything here reminds me of him. I found myself wondering around campus and in front of his old dorm. I'm stuffing folders and his face is on the advertisements. Stories that are shared somehow always relate back. Letting go has been hard enough as it is dealing with my guilt, but these constant reminders make it even harder. Perhaps I'll be able to stop missing him soon, until then I'll just have to take it day by day.
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