Oh! Sweet Liberation.

Last night awakened something in me that I have been missing...
Feeling naughty. Feeling adventurous. Feeling alive.
I had a few drinks last night and got down on the dance floor.
I felt free and sexy. I haven't felt like this in months.
I realized I enjoy being the girl being desired.
I enjoy being the girl dancing up on a guy.
I want to be showed off, I want to be someone's fantasy, I want to be the girl you wish you were with.
I want to be naughty and carefree. I want to be swept off the dance floor by an attractive stranger.
I've missed that feeling in the bottom of my gut that tells me, if given the chance, I'd give him a rememberable night. I've missed my sex appeal. I'm 22 years young, I'm at my prime. I vow to become everything that I can be, every little fantasy of a male counterpart. My inner sex kitten is ready to come out play, hope the world is ready.

Insatiable Desire

I've never understood my insatiable desire to change myself. I always want to change the way I look. Is it healthy of me or is it actually quite unhealthy? I'm obsessed with looking feminine. I never think that I look like a girl. Is this why I desire to have my long hair back? I don't feel beautiful with short hair because it makes me look unfeminine. I want my long hair back. I want to have colored hair again.

The pictures are of Audrey Kitching. I think she's beautiful and I love the way she dresses. Between her, Lady Gaga, and Kat Von D I've got a lot of female inspiration. And yet I feel inadequate in my feminine charm. I've always felt like this. I blame this for the suprise I have when a male finds me attractive. Ha.


I may act like I don't give a shit what general society thinks of me, cause I don't give a shit. When it comes to males though, let's just say I come up blank. Do I act tough like I do towards the rest of the world? Or do I act all shy and weak, like how I've been taught females act? I just don't get it. I don't. Why do I always feel like I have to reinvent myelf? Why do I always feel like I need to change my hair? I feel invaild in the person I am. In order for myself to feel attractive I feel I should be: blonde, petite, high pitch voice, super happy, and always dressed nice with hair and make up perfectly done. Hmm. Too bad I'm: brunette, tall, low pitch voice, realistic with feelings, and I dress depending on my mood. Why is it that I don't find myself attractive? Was it the constant images of uber girls, blonde movie stars, and extremely done up models that lead to this mentality?

I'm a 21 year old woman and yet I doubt my sex appeal. Get a drink or two in me and I instantly feel my inner sex kitten come out, unless it's been a bad day then it's "fuck the world" Sarah. Do I blame society for my lack of confidence in my feminine qualities or do I blame the environment I grew up in at home?

My mother has never really been one for dressing up or wearing make up. On the other hand I love wearing fake eyelashes, over the top make up, done up hair, and eye catching outfits. Then I ask myself why do I link femininity to self worth? Why on the days that I feel unworthy to have another person's love or be somone's other half, are also the days that I feel most unlike a girl? Clearly I didn't develop this mentality by just growing up in a normal childhood. Somewhere something must have gone awry. I'd like to know where this crink is in my mind so I can fucking fix it. I want to feel attractive and I want to feel worthy. Gahh. I want to be satisfied with who I am and how I look. Prehaps a self help book will do some good? I doubt it. However I am actively looking for a solution, but suggestions are welcomed.