Insatiable Desire

I've never understood my insatiable desire to change myself. I always want to change the way I look. Is it healthy of me or is it actually quite unhealthy? I'm obsessed with looking feminine. I never think that I look like a girl. Is this why I desire to have my long hair back? I don't feel beautiful with short hair because it makes me look unfeminine. I want my long hair back. I want to have colored hair again.

The pictures are of Audrey Kitching. I think she's beautiful and I love the way she dresses. Between her, Lady Gaga, and Kat Von D I've got a lot of female inspiration. And yet I feel inadequate in my feminine charm. I've always felt like this. I blame this for the suprise I have when a male finds me attractive. Ha.


I may act like I don't give a shit what general society thinks of me, cause I don't give a shit. When it comes to males though, let's just say I come up blank. Do I act tough like I do towards the rest of the world? Or do I act all shy and weak, like how I've been taught females act? I just don't get it. I don't. Why do I always feel like I have to reinvent myelf? Why do I always feel like I need to change my hair? I feel invaild in the person I am. In order for myself to feel attractive I feel I should be: blonde, petite, high pitch voice, super happy, and always dressed nice with hair and make up perfectly done. Hmm. Too bad I'm: brunette, tall, low pitch voice, realistic with feelings, and I dress depending on my mood. Why is it that I don't find myself attractive? Was it the constant images of uber girls, blonde movie stars, and extremely done up models that lead to this mentality?

I'm a 21 year old woman and yet I doubt my sex appeal. Get a drink or two in me and I instantly feel my inner sex kitten come out, unless it's been a bad day then it's "fuck the world" Sarah. Do I blame society for my lack of confidence in my feminine qualities or do I blame the environment I grew up in at home?

My mother has never really been one for dressing up or wearing make up. On the other hand I love wearing fake eyelashes, over the top make up, done up hair, and eye catching outfits. Then I ask myself why do I link femininity to self worth? Why on the days that I feel unworthy to have another person's love or be somone's other half, are also the days that I feel most unlike a girl? Clearly I didn't develop this mentality by just growing up in a normal childhood. Somewhere something must have gone awry. I'd like to know where this crink is in my mind so I can fucking fix it. I want to feel attractive and I want to feel worthy. Gahh. I want to be satisfied with who I am and how I look. Prehaps a self help book will do some good? I doubt it. However I am actively looking for a solution, but suggestions are welcomed.