Breathe. Just Breathe.

Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. The feelings are so strong, that I can't fight back the tears. And they fall until I can't breathe. Then comes the hiccup for air that my lungs so deseperately need, but can't get. And then the process just cycles until my nose is running, my eyes are red, my cheeks are wet and it feels like the quivering of my body won't stop til I cease to exist. It's always me. Always. I'm the one always "falling apart"...never you. Am I crazy? Am I too attached? Why does everything I feel have to be so extreme? Do I blame the life of an arist or the way my personality is made?

I can curl into my body pillow and squeeze it, to try and stop the tears, but it never seems to help. And I hate that I do this, that I get upset like this. I don't even know why I'm choking out every stupid breath I have. I'd give every fucking breath I have right now to make this stop. I feel like a china plate that someone dropped on the kitchen floor, a weak, shattered replica of something great. When I was kid and I was crying like this, I'd cry so loud, that my mom would come in to check on me. I know that's what I'm craving right now. Comfort. A warm embrace and some kind words. But friends aren't answering phones and friends have lives that don't involve me anymore. And I am far too old to cry for my mother...So what am I to do?

Wait for the tears to dry and my breathing to return to normal...wait for me to let this tidalwave of emotions run over me. Admit that it still hurts even if I thought that it didn't anymore.Admit that I always thought things would just fucking work out for me regardless of my short comings and mistakes. I thought that maybe I'd get to be the happy one for awhile. That I can finally relax into my life instead of always waiting for the floor to give out under me. And I can keep pretending tthat everything's okay during the day like I'm some Zombie...even though once the sun goes down, time slows down to a crawling halt. The nights are still hard for all the reasons that I struggle to push on through the day. I have issues living at home. I have issues with you. I have issues with my friends that seem to not care if I exist anymore. I have issues that people are already bailing on birthday even though it's two weeks away. I have issues that I feel like nothing is within my control right now and I'm everyone else's fucking pawn. I wanted to scream at you, "How can you not care? Why is that it seems I'm always the one hurt or upset?" But I know that's just me lashing out acting irrational. And I want to scream, "FUCK YOU!" To all the people who are supposed to be my friends. Nothing is alright and nothing is okay and nothing is going  to plan. But I just have to remember to breathe. Just breathe.