Trash.

I keep finding your shit everywhere...random photos on my latop, folder in my favorites bar of your clothes, some little thing in my room that has some connection with you. Gah. I should probably start deleting you from my life. Make a folder on my computer and shove all the files that I can't seem to make myself delete and store you in there. You'd think in typical girl fashion I would have burned all photos of us [all five of them], burned the clothes you got me for christmas, throw out the necklace you got me then too, deleted video files so I couldn't watch them anymore...and yet I haven't. I've kept a cool head about me...minus the random "fuck you"s that slip out when I'm drinking or pissed. I can't rationalize getting rid of the gifts because I like them and they're mine, not yours...I can't rationalize burning the photos because it was a time of my life, however I may burn those picture frames I made for us...and to be completely honest I forgot about half the things on my laptop that are from you. You were my best friend and my lover. And I'd thought you'd still be my best friend...but I'm thinking the jury's still out on that one...

Still hurting

It still takes me by shock when I start to cry. I see a picture, hear a song, a movie comes on...I am trying to hard not to hurt anymore and you seem to feel nothing. You've replaced me with her. I was trying to replace you with my long walks and fitness, but this week I haven't been able to escape to that. And yet still it hurts. I hurt. My heart hurts. I cry at random times driving and stop. I watch a romantic movie and they kiss, I cry. Kesha's "Your Love is My Drug" pops up on my iPod, I have to change it before I start to cry. I want to stop crying. I want to stop hurting. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this pain and I don't want it anymore.

Slipping through my fingers...

I find it harder and harder some days to let you go. I'm always wanting to text you. As soon as I get out of work I want to talk to you. At the end of everyday I want to know how your day was. I honestly don't want to let you go. I want you. I want you with every fiber of my being. I joked this weekend about Jenny setting me up with one of her guy friends. Her response back was, "Let's be honest, you don't want to really look at anyone else." Gahh. Then I was talking to Kristin today and she said, "When you know what you really want, things will get easier." No, no, no, no. I know I'm not gonna get over you until I find someone new, but I don't want to find someone new so, where the fuck does that leave me? I'd rather have you just as a frend in my life then to not have you in it at all. You've become such a part of my life that I wouldn't even know how to fill that part if you left. Brit says I make excuses for you, maybe she's right, maybe she's not. I'm about as lost in this fucking emotional tornado as I am with my options of Graduate school. I haven't met somone who can hold a conversation, my interest, or me like you can. Today is one of my sad reflective days. Maybe tomorrow will be happier.

To get an MFA or not to get an MFA?

I woke this morning with an aching in my body. I want it to be september so I can move back into school. I love learning and exploring my craft. I was attempting to help a friend find some volunteer job earlier this morning, when I decided to look at the admission's page for the graduate school he is looking at. Low and behold what do I find? His school offers a MFA in Dance. It got me thinking about graduate schools again. About a year ago I'd decided that when I went to grad school it be in London at the Laban school, but now I'm not so sure. I've now found three MFA programs that perk my interest: Smith, Sarah Lawrence, and Hollins. Hollins is high on my list since grad students work with the American Dance Festival and study abroad as part of the program, the only draw back is that it's in Virginia. Can I be so far from home? NYC is one thing, it's a mere 3 hour train ride back home, but Virginia? I want to move to NYC to be in the heart of the dance world, but now I wonder if LA would be just as good for me. Should I just jump into a graduate program or should I experience the real world for a bit first? I'm lost at my options. As silly as this sounds, if I keep my Walmart job over the next year and I get into a graduate program in another state, I can transfer to a Walmart down there and have a job already when I move. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I feel completely lost. I know I have a little less than a year to figure out what the fuck to do with my life...but things make me question my choices: can I really move across country?; can I survive in a place that I know no one?; can I leave all my friends behind?; will it kill a part of me to start over somewhere new? I wish I had some of these answers. I wish when the time comes I won't have to move alone, I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid to be alone. What if I'm always alone in this new place? What if I fail? Failing would be the death of me...

The sun sets & rises

Tomorrow is a new day, just as yesterday was. I've decided I must make an honest attempt at living my life. For weeks now all I've been doing is ponderng my life and clinging to memories of the past. "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards." 'Tis true. If you live long enough in the past then you miss all of the future. Coming to terms with how I've shaped my life won't always be easy. I know now that when I truely care for someone, allowing myself to make reckless descisions isn't the best way to test my feelings for that person. I've got a lot to learn and a lot more mistakes to make. I can say the month I spent with him was not one of them, but wasting the last few weeks most certainly was. I know I'll miss him for a good part of the summer, and when I return to school in the fall, the campus will randomly remind me of him. I will not allow myself to be sad any longer. I will not allow myself to talk myself into giving up. I'm a fighter. I take risks. I took a risk on loving him and I took a risk on pushing it to the limit. I will continue to take risks as I enjoy my summer and start my senior year of college. He will not be the last person I love nor care about. I will not focus on the negatives of my life. I will embrace my mistakes and move forward. My last couple of entries clearly show my rollercoaster of emotions, but I'm not sorry for the way I feel. I write what I feel and right now I'm putting all that shit behind me and looking into the sunset waiting for the sun to rise on a new day. I will go to more auditions this summer. I will do more photoshoots. I will get my choreography into a Boston show. I will have the best summer that I can.

Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream
more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible.

I'm getting this out of my system...

I miss the way you called me Sarah Jean. I miss how your beautiful brown eyes use to stare into mine when we layed in bed. I miss how you used to squeeze my hand. I miss the way your lips felt against mine when we kissed. I miss the way you used to bite me and make me laugh. I miss seeing you use your magic powers on your brother. I miss how we'd talk everyday. I miss when I knew my phone going off was you. I miss making plans with you. I miss when could just lay in bed and talk. I miss our late night talks. I miss hating the birds chirping in morning when we still hadn't gone to bed. I miss hanging out in your awkwardly shaped single in Houston watching movies. I miss being able to walk across campus to see you. I miss walking back to my room at 8 am, knowing waking up early was worth it to spend the night with you. I miss our skype sessions. I miss how you loved my body, even when I didn't. I miss how you called me beautiful. I miss how you'd tease me for my dislike of girly things. I miss you letting me be a girl with you. I miss you holding me when I cried. I miss seeing you almost everyday. I miss sleeping in the same bed as you. I miss the way you'd snore and I'd know you were asleep even though we'd been talking 5 minutes ago. I miss feeling your breath on my neck as I slept. I miss taking care of you. I miss being nervous at the idea of eating dinner with your parents. I miss watching Arrested Development with you. I miss you stroking my face. I miss making out with you. I miss the sex. I miss you allowing me to take things slow and helping me. I miss the idea of showering with you. I miss watching Are You Afraid of the Dark with you. I miss cuddling on the couch with you. I miss being able to let my hands wonder your body. I miss being at parties with you and knowing I'd be going home with you. I miss taking walks with you. I miss knowing it was okay to care about you as much as I do. I miss when I'd get jealous about you talking about all the other girls you'd ever been with. I miss wondering what they had that made you want to be with them before me. I miss having a reason to think that you were mine. I miss the smile I'd get saying your name. I miss waking up next you. I miss driving in the car while you sang Ke$ha's "Your Love is My Drug". I miss your encouragement that I'd do fine at an audition. I miss knowing it was okay if either of us cried at graduation. I miss being more concerned about you then what my friends thought. I miss being mad at you for stupid reasons. I miss you making fun of my Edward Cullen pillow. I miss you calling Hello Kitty, Hi Kitty. I miss you getting excited when Gaga would fall asleep on me. I miss that you didn't care my room was a complete mess the first time you saw it. I miss when you'd talk to me like an intellgent person. I miss hearing stories of your freshman year. I miss going through your box of memories. I miss meeting your best friend. I miss that you cuddled with me on your bed even though your friends were there. I miss you thinking me being drunk was funny. I miss when I'd call you a vagina and then admit in private that I didn't think you were. I miss talking about our interactions before we liked each other with new insight. I miss talking about you going to Smith. I miss thinking that you'd be visiting me in the fall at school. I miss the idea of living with you. I miss you helping me pack up my apartment. I miss our goodbye kisses, when we didn't know the next time we'd see each other. I miss being able to share inside jokes with you. I miss being able to text you when I couldn't text anyone I was with because it was about them. I miss learning new things about you. I miss you learning new things about me. I miss that you didn't care I had so many cats. I miss that you'd talk to me about my Grandfather. I miss that you shared yourself with me. I miss thinking of things to do on your birthday. I miss making you things, that I'd never actually end up giving you. I miss looking at coloring books and ragging on you, when I actually liked that you colored. I miss knowing that my most embrassing moments didn't scare you away. I miss being able to think about you without wanting to cry. I miss your trust in me. I miss you caring about me. I miss being yours. But most of all I miss you. I know I'll never have you again. I had my chance and I was an idiot. You tell me to be easy on myself and forgive myself. You say that I'm not a monster or a bad person, I just made a stupid choice. Well I miss being able to agree with you. I pass the days thinking about when I'll be able to talk to you and then scolding myself. I need to focus on something else. You're not mine anymore, I lost you. I lost your trust and faith in me. Its funny I was typing the previous sentence and accidentally wrote, "I love y-" freudian slip I guess.