I'll hug Hi Kitty...

It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. My life has been a hetic mess. And at this moment I'm feeling very sad. It's hard for me to admit this, but I didn't exactly realize how muched I missed someone until I spent the weekend with them. It was only when I got home I realized how alone I feel here. I know I will see them sometime soon again, but I can't shake this feeling. Being home in general makes sad, depressed. Ever since I've started school. Is it because I don't feel like I belong here anymore? Or is it that everyone I love and care about it so far away from me, spread out across the country? I use to think it was the clutter of the house that made me so upset and hate living here, but now I'm starting to think it's because there are other places I'd rather be then here. Or maybe because I didn't return to work this break, I've spent too much time in my room alone.....thinking. Lord knows I'm my own worst enemy when I have too much isolatred time to myself. All I can think right now is that, "I'm never gonna see everyone again." I know it's not true though. Tomorrow I'll see Britt at the gym, and hopefully I'll be seeing Kristin today or even sometime this week. I have no reason to be crying. I had a wonderful weekend with a person that means a lot to me, I live in a nice house, I'm enrolled in college, I have friends. But why do I feel so alone? I can't hold back the tears anymore. I thought last night when I cried before falling asleep, that that would be the end of this feeling, clearly I was wrong. Maybe the problem is, that in my room at my house I have no memories of my closests friends. In this world of my room, they don't exist because they've never been here. Could that be it? Or could this overwhelming feeling just be a reaction to my horomones acting up? I guess the issue right now is that I miss everyone and no matter how hard I cry that isn't going to change anything. I will see people soon, it's not the end of the world....it won't be the end of the world. I'll surivive even if I find that hard to believe right now.

Questions, Questions, Questions,

I feel as if each bird is a question that's floated through my head today about you. Why won't give me a second chance? Why can't we be friends? Why does he get a second chance with her and I get nothing? Why do I feel like I'm the only one hurting? Can't I just fast forward time to when it no longer hurts?

I went for a walk today by the small park near my school. I sat on a bench for 45 minutes and cried twice. I never cry in public. Then again I've never been this hurt before. Part of me tries to convince myself that things are better this way; "you won't have to give up your dream of living in NYC cause he can't do cities." My other half's response to that... "You could always get an apartment near the NY border of CT and commute into NYC." That was the thing that sent me crying. I fucked up. I know I fucked up. Knowing this doesn't help me as much as I'd hoped it would. You know what's worse then the crying in the park...? Is coming back to my single room in the dorms and crying so hard for 15 minutes that my insides hurt. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't want to keep doing this. I want it to stop hurting. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I feel like part of me is missing. I wish everyone would leave me alone. As I'm writing this people are knocking on my door, clearly I'm not coming out if I don't answer after 2 solid minutes of knocking. I just want time alone to think, but then thinking just makes me more upset. And you texted me last night....told me not be walking around alone at night. My favorite part of the texts:

Him: You really miss me, don't you?
Me: Every second of every day.
Him: Sighh. Being at Dean isn't helpful?

WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT!?

I keep straddling between being so upset and fucking pissed that it's hard for me to keep calm. Right not I'm debating if it's plausible for me to sneak out of Ewen and go for a walk without people tracking me down. I just want to dissappear into the night.