Questions, Questions, Questions,

I feel as if each bird is a question that's floated through my head today about you. Why won't give me a second chance? Why can't we be friends? Why does he get a second chance with her and I get nothing? Why do I feel like I'm the only one hurting? Can't I just fast forward time to when it no longer hurts?

I went for a walk today by the small park near my school. I sat on a bench for 45 minutes and cried twice. I never cry in public. Then again I've never been this hurt before. Part of me tries to convince myself that things are better this way; "you won't have to give up your dream of living in NYC cause he can't do cities." My other half's response to that... "You could always get an apartment near the NY border of CT and commute into NYC." That was the thing that sent me crying. I fucked up. I know I fucked up. Knowing this doesn't help me as much as I'd hoped it would. You know what's worse then the crying in the park...? Is coming back to my single room in the dorms and crying so hard for 15 minutes that my insides hurt. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't want to keep doing this. I want it to stop hurting. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I feel like part of me is missing. I wish everyone would leave me alone. As I'm writing this people are knocking on my door, clearly I'm not coming out if I don't answer after 2 solid minutes of knocking. I just want time alone to think, but then thinking just makes me more upset. And you texted me last night....told me not be walking around alone at night. My favorite part of the texts:

Him: You really miss me, don't you?
Me: Every second of every day.
Him: Sighh. Being at Dean isn't helpful?

WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT!?

I keep straddling between being so upset and fucking pissed that it's hard for me to keep calm. Right not I'm debating if it's plausible for me to sneak out of Ewen and go for a walk without people tracking me down. I just want to dissappear into the night.