At heart I'm a Time Traveller.

I'm having extremely mixed feelings today. I can't decide if its because my hormones are going crazy right now or I just am generally feeling off. I'm leaning more towards the hormones, but anyways. So I was listening to some possible Showcase song choices, because crazy me is trying to choroegraph four peices to audition in about a month. But as the songs came on all I could think about was "How is this my life?" I want to so badly at this exact moment to be October of my Junior year. I would have made completely different choices. I first off would have given you a chance a hell of a lot sooner. I wouldn't have put myself through the bullshit. I would have tried to more things outside of Dean. I would have done so many things different. I'm not necessarily unhappy with the way my life is right now, I just don't like the circumstances that are pulling at the strings of future. There is so much doubt in my life right now that I guess I'm finally feeling a little unnerved by it. I'll go to class in an houra nd be fine, but right now I just want a second chance at the last 365 days of my life starting......now.

Not Such an Easy A.

I saw the movie "Easy A" tonight and now it's got me thinking. I've been doing some thinking about my life. For anyone who's seen the movie you know she gets the guy at the end....The whole movie is about self worth and it's ironic that my conseling session this week brought that up. I need to feel enough self worth. Enough to be with a guy and enough to feel that I deserve a good guy. Let's look at my track record...hmmm Guy A dragged me all over the emotion spectrum; Guy B never talked to me after sleeping with me; Guy C showed some real promise until I made one mistake and can't move past it; Guy D gave me happiness for an extremely brief time and who knows what the fuck is going to happen with it, my guess would be nothing. The connecting factor between all the Guys is how I allowed myself to be treated with. I never felt like I was good enough and I just wanted someone to be there so I went along with things even when I found them to be shitty. Granted Guys C and D are the best half of the Guys. Sigh. I deserve to be with a guy who wants to be with me. I deserve to be with someone cares about me. I deserve to be with a guy who can forgive me. I deserve to be with a guy who will love me. I deserve so much better than what I've had before. I deserve to be happy. I'm tired of putting in all the work. I'm tired of being the creative of one. I want the guy that's gonna surprise me with flowers the day a casting list goes up, because if I make it they say "congrats" and if I don't make it they say, "I'm sorry". I want to be thought of in a way that doesn't make the person feel anger. I hate that my reputation is "easy", "sex crazed", "willing to spread for anyone". Fuck off. It was one fucking time and one fucking mistake. And some people say that it was almost four months ago and no one's judging me anymore. Fuck you they're not. Sure some people just say whatever about it now...and other it's either something they hate me for or like to make jokes at me for. I want to feel less shitty about enjoying sex and wanting to be with someone sexually that I have some emotional feelings for. I want to be able to call someone to make plans with. I wanna go on dates. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I want someone to gve me a reason to be happy with my life. I want someone to proud of the things I'm doing with my life. I want to have someone come see the shows I'm in and actually care about how my rehearsals are going. I want an equal partner and to not feel like I'm always making up for something I've done wrong. I want a new start.

Like we never missed a day.

I have every reason to trust you and I do. I trust you with my heart, body, and soul. Then, why, I ask myself am I feeling the ever so small drop of doubt. I understand I have no right to know everything about your life anymore, I forfeited that right a long time ago. I won't lie though. It hurts. I don't know if it hurts me more that you didn't tell me who you were seeing, until I asked repeatedly or because you didn't tell me until you'd gotten back. Sigh. And I know the only reason I'm upset right now is because you're gone and I'm sitting in my condo waiting for your text to tell me you're safely home. Give me an hour to collect myself and I'll go back to living my life. That doesn't mean I'm moping, I'm just pondering things that could have been. This morning getting ready in the bathroom with you felt so natural, it makes me miss the idea I used to have of us living together. Sigh. I love you and I never get tired of saying it. I just wish that was enough. Bahhumbug. I need a nap and a clear head.

Personal Ad.

So zoning out at work I pieced together a personal ad.

Seeking intellectual individual, preferably male, 5'8" or taller, who enjoys reading books and watching films. Ability to hold a meaningful conversation, strongly preferred. Must be able to accept that I like vampires, classic Nintendo games, rock music, tattoos, and high heels. Sex skills required and will not be compromised. Interests in comics, video games, horror movies, and European culture, gladly accepted. Also, speaking a foreign language/sarcasm is a plus.

Sigh...know anyone who is single and fits this, send 'em my way.

The simple things...

In my quest to enjoy life more while I'm young and getting into the mindset of living every day of my senior year of college, I've been cherishing and savoring the little moments.

Enjoying the body heat of another person. The feel of someone's breath falling and rising against my body. The tangle of arms, allowing one's self to forget the boundaries of their own body and anothers. Leaving the person and hours later their scent still lingers on your skin and clothes. Feeling the absence of another. Laying in a room of friends and knowing that these are times I'll remember forever. Being woken up by laughing friends. That first good morning kiss, when you know you're just happy to wake up next to the person. Falling asleep while listening to someone's breathing. The early morning silence of being the first awake. The confession of overheard sleep mumblings. The realization that even in your sleep you can't hide your true feelings. The teasing meant only to get a rise out of someone. Listening to your friends debate topics you know nothing about. Being embrassed by the retelling of embrassing moments of the night before. The kiss that lingers on your lips even after you've said goodbye. I truely cherish these moments for they are the pieces that make a life.

A Year in Review

So I've been thinking about where and what I was doing this time last year. A year ago I was unemployed, laying around the house waiting for school to start and looking forward to the year ahead. Boy, if I only knew then what I know now. It seems this year I'm about in the same position, only I'm employed.

I've honestly been thinking about my junior year a lot in the last couple days. The year was a rollercoaster of ups and downs....I've definitely experienced every emotion on the human spectrum from love to grief and anger to joy. Let's start off with the fall shall we?

I started the fall semester off eager to prove myself and with a naive idea that nothing could go wrong. I had some great times with an amazing group of friends that would seem to carry on through out the year. I also started to dig myself into a hole in my love life. I don't why I ever thought things would work out for me. I look back at some of those early hangout times and laugh. Really? What the fuck? Those times are a blur of clipboard making, techno music, and late night duties. The semester started on such a high that it surprises me that my cynical side didn't see the downfall coming. Between the fallout of my roommates and the spiral downward into charming bullshit, winter break couldn't have come sooner.

Spring semester came early with my early return to campus for the Kennedy Center festival rehearsals. Being at the festival was one of the best weeks of the year hands down, where I met 4 great guys who'd I become friends with. I only talk to 2 still, I wonder whatever happened to those West Point boys? All the shit from the fall semester made me want to make the spring semester ten time better and to yet again prove myself amoung my peers. I struggled in my love life again, fighting to kick a habit. It makes me cringe to look back at those "times" and to think that I allowed myself to be victim to all the bullshit. Then of course the semester started to come to an end. I had to come to terms with losing people. Graduating friends and a dying grandfather always seemed to be on the back of my mind. Graduation itself scared the shit out of me. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to survive this summer.

My dying grandftaher complicated my family life to the point where weekend graduation parties couldn't come soon enough for me to escape. Then he passed and things overall started to look good in my life. Then that didn't really go to plan, my own doing...then came the 2 weeks of hell at Dean for orientation. There were times during those 2 weeks when I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to be my carefree self again or if the darkness would ever end. Fastforward a month and a half and here I am. I don't pretend that everything is perfect in my life, but as odd as it sounds I'm generally happy....even if some people think that my life is a little complicated and etc. I'm happy and I don't care anymore. Everytime I've ever planned anything out in my head it's been shit on. So I'm just gonna go with the flow. I'm going to follow my heart. I'm going to live every second of the upcoming school year. I'm live the sorrow, joy, and frustration that is bound to happen. I'm young and mistakes are meant to be made. Seems like a good motto to live the year by.

Inception

Alright, I know I'm late to see it, but sweet jesus that was such a good movie. Alright now I have to write out some of my crazy thoughts/theories about the film or I'll never sleep tonight. As the last scene came onto the screen I had an idea where the film would end [spoiler] a close up on the top with it spinning, it was if it would fall or not that I was unsure of. I realize that I will NEVER have the answers, but for tonight I need to logically try to figure this shit out.

Before I debate how the movie actually ended...there are certain facts/information revealed during the movie that must be considered truthful in order for these following theories to even be plausible.

1. Cobb was married & had 2 children with his wife(Mal).
2. Totems actually work.
3. Arthur and the gang are real people.
4.Cobb's motivation is to get home.

Alright so let's just say that from the way the film ends that the top is still spinning, when in Reality it should have fallen already. That leads the viewer to conclude that the Homecoming is a Dream. Let's accept that. Dream Homecoming is a dreamworld where the Fischer Mission has been completed and everyone is alive.

• This is where things take a left turn, so let's label this theory DH1[dream homecoming1]. In DH1 the Fischer Mission was Reality, but Cobb being lost in Limbo, while inder in the Fischer Mission, and is unable to get himself back to Reality, creates the Homecoming dream. Okay. Simple enough.
• DH2, while in Limbo with Saito as an old man. Cobb realizes what has happened, but Saito for whatever motivation doesn't want to return to Reality...shots Cobb, there by killing him and sending Cobb, yet further into Limbo. This is somewhat plausible, but the question remains whose dreamworld is that Limbo? When that dream architecture is first seen it's while Saito is under and Cobb & Arthur are under in an outside architect's dreamworld, making Cobb the architect of the dream-within-a-dreamworld. Ahh. Maybe?
• DH3, the Fischer Mission is fake. Is not real. The Fischer Mission was a dream created by Cobb in order for him to create a way for himself to accomplish his ultimate motivation/goal of seeing his childern again, since he finally sees their faces at the end of the film.Reasonible, but then when does Reality end? Does Reality end after the Fischer Inception is first suggested? When Cobb nods to offer is that where the Dream begins...for that you'd have to decide if his nod meant yes or 'I'll think about it".
• Let's say then that DH3 has some merit and all of the happenings after the helicopter is fake, a dream. That would mean that the Arthur shown throughout the rest of the film is Cobb's projection of what Arthur is. This also means that everyone on the "team" is a projection. Prehaps they are projections there to help protect Cobb's mind from Mal? Cobb's own military projection from the guilt of his wife's death. Which would mean what that, Cobb's deepest. darkest secret was that he had performed Inception on his wife and that ultimately had lead to her death?
• Alright last theory for these rules of Reality...the top wobbled at the end...does that mean if Cobb was in a dream that wherever he was having the dream was altering the gravitional pull of the Homecoming...say a plane perchance? Which strengthens the Limbo theory or is dreaming somewhere completely different that the viewer has no previous knowledge of?

Now let's say that when the top was wobbling at the end before the film cut out that it actually fell. That would mean that the Homecoming was Reality. Therefore validating the entire movie and all the dreamworlds as actual events in alternate realities. If that's true then the only question left is how did both Cobb and Saito jolt out of Limbo? Did Cobb shoot Saito or vice versa? Or neither? That one will probably always be unanswerable.

Okay. Now let's say for arguement's sake that the 4 previous rules stated are not truthful and cannot be seen as markers for Reality. Then the entire movie is a dream in which Cobb is constructing. Cobb never actually had a wife or children. Does that seem more plausible then any of the other theories? I feel like at least some part of the film had to have a sliver of Reality in it. I think that the four rules are true and that is what Reality is based on. As for what was a dream in reguards to the Fischer Mission....gahh I can't decide. I'd like to think that the Fischer Mission was apart of Reality and that the only question that remains is: Does Cobb escape Limbo with Saito to be reunited with his family or is the Homecoming the next Limbo for Cobb?

A foreign love.

A friend recommended the french film, "Paris Je T'aime" for my viewing pleasure. I absolutely enjoyed the film. I loved the different little films through out it. I must say Paris is so tempting on film. Out of all the stories I loved four in particular: Quais de Seine; La Marais; Bastille; 14e arronissement.

• Quais de Seine is the story of a chance. A young man who is sitting with his friends in a park. His friends attempt to pick up women by yelling things they think will perk the women's interest. A young Muslim woman sitting near finds the friends to be annoying and leaves, but trips. They mock her, while the young man comes to her rescue. They talk, she leaves. He then suddenly decides to find her at her Mosque. The idea of taking a chance like that is so romantic and alluring.

• La Marais is the story of lost words. A young french man meets a printshop worker and instantly believes him to be his soulmate. The other young man sits and listens to the french man pour his heart out to him. The french man leaves and it is saddly revealed that the printshop worker doesn't speak french well. The story ends with the printshop worker running down the street. It's hard to say what the ending means...to me I think he was running towards the young french man and not away. The things the french man said, even though the words were foreign, the feeling had to have still been there.

• Bastille is the story of reconnecting. A husband is meeting his wife in a restaurant to tell her that he is leaving her. As he watches her walk towards the restaurant, he tells the viewer all the things that he cannot stand about her anymore. It seems there is nothing left for them, especially once it is revealed that he has been having an affair for over a year. When the wife arrives at the table she begins to weep. The husband clearly thinks that she knows, but she hands him papers from the doctor. She's dying. He decides to stay with his wife. The story ends with, "In pretending to be a man in love, he became a man in love."

• 14e arrondissement is the story of growth. An American tourist spends 6 days in Paris by herself. She describes her adventures. Of all the stories her's is the most touching. I'm not sure if it's because I understand the joy and sadness she feels at the end or for another reason. When I visited Italy in high school it held that feeling for me too. "All I can say is that I felt, at the same time, joy and sadness. But not too much sadness, because I felt alive. Yes, alive. That was the moment I fell in love with Paris. And I felt Paris in love with me."

I'd love to visit Paris. This film has reminded me of that picture I saw as a child. It's not the same one as the one posted in this blog, but the idea is similiar. It's couple in front of the Eiffel Tower kissing and they seem in such love. I thought as a young girl, wouldn't that be great? It seems as a young woman I still feel that way. I love the way Paris looks, I love the way french sounds, and my heart still aches everytime I see a picture of a couple kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower. Maybe someday I can travel there with a boyfriend or maybe even a husband. Until then Paris....Je t'aime.

A Poem.

Going through a stack of old papers today, I discover this poem that I wrote in High School. Its amazing how overlly dramatic I was then...

Bed of Black

I'm laying in a bed of black
the rain is falling all around me,
darkness swallowing me back.
I've lost all sense of time and love.

I hug my pillow, where you use to lay.
I'm alone in my darkness to slumber forever,
a tomb of numbness and isolation.

This bed of black is death to me;
a coffin of memories and fears.
This bed of black is my nightly grave,
where eternal damnation awaits.

And I'm tangled in the sheets of regret,
unable to sleep and escape my death.
The ceilings growing closer and the wallsa re closing in.
I'm losing myself and I'm taking a breath...

But it's not use, theykeep coming closer.
I close my eyes and think of you, my love.
We use to share this darkness together,
but you are no longer here, my lover.

But this bed of black is death to me;
a coffin of memories and fears.
This bed of black is my nightly grave,
where eternal damnation awaits...

It's not very rhymie and I'm not even sure what inspired it anymore, but one couplet sticks with me, "And I'm tangled in the sheets of regret/unable to sleep and escape my death." For whatever reason those lines make me want to get back writing my extremely sappy/overly dramatic love stories...prehaps I shall take up writing again. I have missed it.

RIP Kitty Gaga

So the kitten myself and my brother's girlfriend, Jackie, like went missing around wednesday thursday of last week. My mother and I had decided that she had somehow gotten outside since she didn't come to her name, we didn't see her on the porch anywhere, and she hadn't gotten into the house. My little Gaga was gone and although remotely sad, I had hoped she'd just gotten lost in the woods and a nice family had taken her in. Unfortunately my mother found her dead on the porch, under a chair, earlier today. I had the pleasure of burying her. Can I just say you'd think I'd be use to this shit. Buried my grandfather about 2 months ago, buried another kitten about a month before that. Also let's not forget about the kitten I accidently hit in the driveway about 4-5 months ago...Prehaps this one was a bit more difficult because I actually had an attachment to this kitten. She's the first kitten/cat that I've liked thats died. All the others before her just ran away into the woods, never to be seen again. Hmm but life goes on, the world continues to turn, and tomorrow she'll be forgotten.

Vanilla Twilight

I want to lay on a blanket, cuddle up to a person, and look at stars like these. It seems I'm always working days at walmart, that I only ever get to see the stars. I wish the stars looked like these at my house. I want a night of star gazing.

Insatiable Desire

I've never understood my insatiable desire to change myself. I always want to change the way I look. Is it healthy of me or is it actually quite unhealthy? I'm obsessed with looking feminine. I never think that I look like a girl. Is this why I desire to have my long hair back? I don't feel beautiful with short hair because it makes me look unfeminine. I want my long hair back. I want to have colored hair again.

The pictures are of Audrey Kitching. I think she's beautiful and I love the way she dresses. Between her, Lady Gaga, and Kat Von D I've got a lot of female inspiration. And yet I feel inadequate in my feminine charm. I've always felt like this. I blame this for the suprise I have when a male finds me attractive. Ha.


I may act like I don't give a shit what general society thinks of me, cause I don't give a shit. When it comes to males though, let's just say I come up blank. Do I act tough like I do towards the rest of the world? Or do I act all shy and weak, like how I've been taught females act? I just don't get it. I don't. Why do I always feel like I have to reinvent myelf? Why do I always feel like I need to change my hair? I feel invaild in the person I am. In order for myself to feel attractive I feel I should be: blonde, petite, high pitch voice, super happy, and always dressed nice with hair and make up perfectly done. Hmm. Too bad I'm: brunette, tall, low pitch voice, realistic with feelings, and I dress depending on my mood. Why is it that I don't find myself attractive? Was it the constant images of uber girls, blonde movie stars, and extremely done up models that lead to this mentality?

I'm a 21 year old woman and yet I doubt my sex appeal. Get a drink or two in me and I instantly feel my inner sex kitten come out, unless it's been a bad day then it's "fuck the world" Sarah. Do I blame society for my lack of confidence in my feminine qualities or do I blame the environment I grew up in at home?

My mother has never really been one for dressing up or wearing make up. On the other hand I love wearing fake eyelashes, over the top make up, done up hair, and eye catching outfits. Then I ask myself why do I link femininity to self worth? Why on the days that I feel unworthy to have another person's love or be somone's other half, are also the days that I feel most unlike a girl? Clearly I didn't develop this mentality by just growing up in a normal childhood. Somewhere something must have gone awry. I'd like to know where this crink is in my mind so I can fucking fix it. I want to feel attractive and I want to feel worthy. Gahh. I want to be satisfied with who I am and how I look. Prehaps a self help book will do some good? I doubt it. However I am actively looking for a solution, but suggestions are welcomed.

I will be loved.

Alright. I'm thinking postive. I will be loved...because I love myself. I'm going to list 20 things I love about myself. Here we go:

1. I think outside the box.

2. My awesome curly hair.

3. My BEAUTIFUL green eyes.

4. My scuplted back.

5. How great I look in heels.

6. How I generally look good in anything.

7. My intellect.

8. That I enjoy reading.

9. That I'm in college as a dance major.

10. How I can come up with choreography.

11. That I'm content with just staring at the stars.

12. My fierce rocker chick look.

13. That I'm not afraid to travel.

14. My hips.

15. My thin physique.

16. How I can lead a group.

17. How I can let someone else take the reins.

18. My diy-ness.

19. My endless dreams.

20. How I never let anyone or anything keep me down.

I am important. I am worthy. I am vaulable. I am not a piece of meat. I am not a piece of ass. I am more than some people give me credit for. I am something to covet. As my roommate Jenny said to me earlier this week, "fact: sarah garceau is awesome and the boy who takes her off the playing field will be one VERY lucky boy." Fuck yeah.

Time Passes...

I'm afraid. Here's a list of things that I'm afraid of right now: failing. being alone. letting my parents down. not making it in the dance world. losing my friends. regretting things. feeling empty. moving on. my senior year. graduate school. moving away from home. screwing up another relationship. giving up on my dreams. allowing others to walk over me. losing my edginess. not being able to pay back my student loans. not getting into dance company, again. not getting my choreography in a show. being blamed for things out of my hands. letting people slip through my fingers. The list in my head just goes on and on. I have to accept the fact that I am in control of my life and choices. Time passes. It always keeps moving. Just because I think it's the end of the world, doesn't mean that it really is. Sure things may not be grand for a bit, but it can't always stay that way. I have to try to stay positive, even if t means leaving the negative things I love in the past. I only live once and I don't want to screw this up. I want to make a name for myself. I want to settle down with someone. I want to raise a little girl and teach her about the world. I want to grow old and watch my grandchildren graduate from high school. I want to live a long life worth living. I never want to settle or give up. I don't want to be afraid of the things that I am. I don't want to be another number, I want to be remembered.

Slipping through my fingers...

I find it harder and harder some days to let you go. I'm always wanting to text you. As soon as I get out of work I want to talk to you. At the end of everyday I want to know how your day was. I honestly don't want to let you go. I want you. I want you with every fiber of my being. I joked this weekend about Jenny setting me up with one of her guy friends. Her response back was, "Let's be honest, you don't want to really look at anyone else." Gahh. Then I was talking to Kristin today and she said, "When you know what you really want, things will get easier." No, no, no, no. I know I'm not gonna get over you until I find someone new, but I don't want to find someone new so, where the fuck does that leave me? I'd rather have you just as a frend in my life then to not have you in it at all. You've become such a part of my life that I wouldn't even know how to fill that part if you left. Brit says I make excuses for you, maybe she's right, maybe she's not. I'm about as lost in this fucking emotional tornado as I am with my options of Graduate school. I haven't met somone who can hold a conversation, my interest, or me like you can. Today is one of my sad reflective days. Maybe tomorrow will be happier.

To get an MFA or not to get an MFA?

I woke this morning with an aching in my body. I want it to be september so I can move back into school. I love learning and exploring my craft. I was attempting to help a friend find some volunteer job earlier this morning, when I decided to look at the admission's page for the graduate school he is looking at. Low and behold what do I find? His school offers a MFA in Dance. It got me thinking about graduate schools again. About a year ago I'd decided that when I went to grad school it be in London at the Laban school, but now I'm not so sure. I've now found three MFA programs that perk my interest: Smith, Sarah Lawrence, and Hollins. Hollins is high on my list since grad students work with the American Dance Festival and study abroad as part of the program, the only draw back is that it's in Virginia. Can I be so far from home? NYC is one thing, it's a mere 3 hour train ride back home, but Virginia? I want to move to NYC to be in the heart of the dance world, but now I wonder if LA would be just as good for me. Should I just jump into a graduate program or should I experience the real world for a bit first? I'm lost at my options. As silly as this sounds, if I keep my Walmart job over the next year and I get into a graduate program in another state, I can transfer to a Walmart down there and have a job already when I move. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I feel completely lost. I know I have a little less than a year to figure out what the fuck to do with my life...but things make me question my choices: can I really move across country?; can I survive in a place that I know no one?; can I leave all my friends behind?; will it kill a part of me to start over somewhere new? I wish I had some of these answers. I wish when the time comes I won't have to move alone, I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid to be alone. What if I'm always alone in this new place? What if I fail? Failing would be the death of me...

My 21st Birthday

My first legal alcoholic drink. =] I had one of the best birthdays I've had in a while and it was surprisingly simple for a 21st. The stroke of midnight on the 14th of July I received a text from my favorite Ginger in the whole world. Her awesome text was followed by mind blowing sex. I must say I cannot recall a time where I couldn't form a sentence like I couldn't then. The sensation of my wits vacating my mind like that is oddly liberating and pleasureable. I must repeat the experience more often since I throughly enjoyed it. After a rather peaceful and refreshing sleep, we hopped in the shower. I shall admit the idea of being this completely open and vunerable (as much as a shower can be) with the other person was a bit nerve racking. There's something oddly intimate for me about actually showering with another person and I'm not talking about sex in the shower. I literally mean showering with another person. Body and hair washing were taking place. It was pleasant to allow myself to be taken care of since I hardly let my guard down. Overall it was an experience I wouldn't mind repeating with the right person. After the shower we went back to laying in bed and watched a television show called In Treatment. The show is rather intelligent and interesting in the way a car accident is. My only interest in watching the show besides the fact that my partner enjoys it, is that I want to see how the patients on the show tear apart their lives in therapy. My partner then suggested that we see Twilight Saga's Eclipse, since I had yet to see it. I agreed of course and off we then went to see Eclipse. I knew he wouldn't enjoy the movie at all, but it was amusing to think that he was seeing just because I wanted to. He survived the the two hours and we then found ourselves at dinner. We ventured to the Texas Roadhouse, which made me miss the actual state of Texas and the San Antonio Riverwalk. It's funny that the only two times I've been out to dinner with just him, we seem to run into someone that he knows working at the resturant. Of course I immediately feel out of place. I wonder if I'll ever get over that sensation, I fear I never will. I order my first drink and got carded. It was liberating knowing that when I handed over my ID I didn't have to worry about it being rejected. The drive home was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I was definitely buzzed singing the music on the radio was we drove down the highway. And then we ended the day with the same way we started it. A simple enough 21st and yet the most rewarding in my eyes. The only part of the night that I wished hadn't happened the way it did was when I finally uttered the phrase that's been plaguing my thoughts. I cannot tell you how many times in the last 3 weeks I've wanted to confess them. However, I just always felt that in bed was probably the worst place to say them. I did it though. I said, "I love you." As much as I'd like to tell myself that its a useless emotion, its not. Loving a person allows you to learn how to open yourself to the world. In the context of my partner, the feeling plays little in our relationship. We allow ourselves to take from each other what we need and desire. I desire the physical intimacy and the emotional bonding he gives me. What I give him, only he can speak for. I realize people may disagree with my laidback view of giving myself away...to be frank, I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of trying to live by other people's definitions of love, relationships, and social interactions. Life is a journey of struggles and experieces. This is what I want to experience. This is what I want right now. When I no longer want this lifestyle or decide to become more conservative then I will listen to some of the people in my life. And I don't know how this blog started off as one detailing my 21st birthday and is ending this "fuck you" note to some people, but alas I can never seem to control my stream of consciousness.

The Birds & The Bees.

So I don't think I can ever remember my mother having the sex talk with me, nor talking to me about it in general. Sex was never really discussed in my family. My brother having sex, yes and even joked about; my parents having sex, joked about; the reality of me having sex....yeah where the fuck was the conversation? Don't get me wrong I'm happy in all that I got to skip the awkward sex talk, but um there a couple things that would have nice to be informed upon by the female role model of my life. Such things as what's an orgasm like? What's female masturbation? What's wrong if I don't get wet? And etc. would have been nice. Granted I know some of these answers now, but I wish my only main resources hadn't been friends, porn, and the internet. To this day I still struggle to figure out if I've actually orgasmed from intercourse. There are times I know for sure and others I'm not so quite sure. Learning how to give a blowjob and what doggy style is from the internet is fine, but how I'd feel after my first time would have been a nice insight from my mother. Overall I feel a little frustrated that I've had to self teach myself on all lessons of sex and love. Even now I wonder if my mother knows I'm not a virgin. How do I even bring up that topic? I'm soon to be 21 and yet my mother has never asked me a single question about my sex life. In high school I''d tell her stories about my friends and then I'd reassure her that I was still a virgin and that she didn't have to worry about things like that from me. It's now been three years since I left high school and she's never asked me: Who was my first kiss? Did I like it? Who was the first boy I ever really had a thing with? Do I practise safe sex? Maybe she assumes that if I wanted to talk about these things I'd bring them up, but I don't know how. I just don't know who to talk to about this shit anymore. My brother probably doesn't want to hear about his little sister having sex. His girlfriend is a little reserved and I don't know if she feels comfortable enough to talk about with me. Several of my best friends are virgins, for various personal reasons, so what experience do they have? My other best friend doesn't really want to hear the details of my sex life with my current partner since she's been friends with him for a couple years now. I'm not really gonna talk about certain things with my partner since he's a male and I need a female's pov/someone who's not fucking me. So who does that leave?

I could use a little rain....

I wish it rain like this so that I could dance outside right now. I want to feel the water course down my skin and my clothes sticking to my body. I want to be free.

I want to create a Home.

So I want to have my own apartment or house so I can do things like this. I want to have dinner parties. I want to play hostess. Gahh I never thought I'd actually ever admit this...the idea of being a homemaker, but still having a career, is something I really want. I want to create an entire dinner menu, table settings, and such for a group of friends. I want to entertain people in my own space, but I think I'd want my significant other to be there to help. Gahh I have such desires that people wouldn't suspect me to have. I guess the cats out of the bag, I'm girly deep down and want what every little girl dreams about.

Jump.

I have this idea in my head & I want it so bad. It scares me. I feel like this idea is almost the same as jumping off a cliff...until my feet actually leave the ground, I'm going to be terrified, but once my feet do I'll be grateful. Here's to hoping that when I land its not on the rocks.

Nothing to do, no where to be.

I've decided that nothing in my life will replace the feeling of this. Just laying in bed cuddling. I don't know why I never want to get out of bed when I wake up next to you. Nor do I know why I can't keep my hands off of you. You're like an addiction. A good one. I like knowing that when I wake you're right next to me. Driving back today was a touch drive, not only because of the distance and time of day, but cause I don't know when the next time I'll have you in my bed is. I have a lot of feeling swirling around my brain right now about last night. I fear if I voice them, in a couple more hours, I won't have a reason to feel them. So I'm going to keep riding the high I have from last night/this morning and hope its enough to get me through the next couple of days.

The sun sets & rises

Tomorrow is a new day, just as yesterday was. I've decided I must make an honest attempt at living my life. For weeks now all I've been doing is ponderng my life and clinging to memories of the past. "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards." 'Tis true. If you live long enough in the past then you miss all of the future. Coming to terms with how I've shaped my life won't always be easy. I know now that when I truely care for someone, allowing myself to make reckless descisions isn't the best way to test my feelings for that person. I've got a lot to learn and a lot more mistakes to make. I can say the month I spent with him was not one of them, but wasting the last few weeks most certainly was. I know I'll miss him for a good part of the summer, and when I return to school in the fall, the campus will randomly remind me of him. I will not allow myself to be sad any longer. I will not allow myself to talk myself into giving up. I'm a fighter. I take risks. I took a risk on loving him and I took a risk on pushing it to the limit. I will continue to take risks as I enjoy my summer and start my senior year of college. He will not be the last person I love nor care about. I will not focus on the negatives of my life. I will embrace my mistakes and move forward. My last couple of entries clearly show my rollercoaster of emotions, but I'm not sorry for the way I feel. I write what I feel and right now I'm putting all that shit behind me and looking into the sunset waiting for the sun to rise on a new day. I will go to more auditions this summer. I will do more photoshoots. I will get my choreography into a Boston show. I will have the best summer that I can.

Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream
more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Gah, I'm so fucking over this shit. I don't understand you anymore. I don't understand my feelings for you anymore. Currently I just want to bitch you out, hit you, but at the same time I cry so much about you that I just want to cuddle into your arms. Clearly things in my life are fucked up. I was talking to my best friend about you. I was saying how I couldn't let myself spend my entire summer obsessing over you, when nothings going to happen. Her simple response, "I think you should find someone now." If only things were simmple. I won't lie, there's a part of me that hopes you could forgive me and be with me. But you're stubborn and you have some sort of moral issue with me. Clearly you don't have a big enough issue to spend a night with me, but mutliple nights not so much. Gah you make me so angry I want to cry or punch a wall. You never fucking answered my question last night...why? Why can't you fucking forgive me? Why can't you change your mind about me? Why the fuck am I someone who simply made a stupid mistake that seems to be the only fucking person suffering? They're fucking dating, blissful in their hate for me and you have this power over me and the way I feel about myself. Why? I fucking hate this. Stop telling me to be easy on myself and then tell me how much you care about me. You can't have it both ways. I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to lose my mind either. I really just don't know what to fucking do anymore. "This isn't a second chance." Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I want to hate you right now, but I can't. I fucking can't. You hold me up to moral ideas, but what about what the fuck you've done in the past. That doesn't count, right? Of course not, not even on the same level. Yeah, whatever. Everything's a grey matter. Today's just an angry day, when I want to give you up, but I know in several hours I go back to cuddling into your t-shirt and wishing you'd change your mind.

I'm getting this out of my system...

I miss the way you called me Sarah Jean. I miss how your beautiful brown eyes use to stare into mine when we layed in bed. I miss how you used to squeeze my hand. I miss the way your lips felt against mine when we kissed. I miss the way you used to bite me and make me laugh. I miss seeing you use your magic powers on your brother. I miss how we'd talk everyday. I miss when I knew my phone going off was you. I miss making plans with you. I miss when could just lay in bed and talk. I miss our late night talks. I miss hating the birds chirping in morning when we still hadn't gone to bed. I miss hanging out in your awkwardly shaped single in Houston watching movies. I miss being able to walk across campus to see you. I miss walking back to my room at 8 am, knowing waking up early was worth it to spend the night with you. I miss our skype sessions. I miss how you loved my body, even when I didn't. I miss how you called me beautiful. I miss how you'd tease me for my dislike of girly things. I miss you letting me be a girl with you. I miss you holding me when I cried. I miss seeing you almost everyday. I miss sleeping in the same bed as you. I miss the way you'd snore and I'd know you were asleep even though we'd been talking 5 minutes ago. I miss feeling your breath on my neck as I slept. I miss taking care of you. I miss being nervous at the idea of eating dinner with your parents. I miss watching Arrested Development with you. I miss you stroking my face. I miss making out with you. I miss the sex. I miss you allowing me to take things slow and helping me. I miss the idea of showering with you. I miss watching Are You Afraid of the Dark with you. I miss cuddling on the couch with you. I miss being able to let my hands wonder your body. I miss being at parties with you and knowing I'd be going home with you. I miss taking walks with you. I miss knowing it was okay to care about you as much as I do. I miss when I'd get jealous about you talking about all the other girls you'd ever been with. I miss wondering what they had that made you want to be with them before me. I miss having a reason to think that you were mine. I miss the smile I'd get saying your name. I miss waking up next you. I miss driving in the car while you sang Ke$ha's "Your Love is My Drug". I miss your encouragement that I'd do fine at an audition. I miss knowing it was okay if either of us cried at graduation. I miss being more concerned about you then what my friends thought. I miss being mad at you for stupid reasons. I miss you making fun of my Edward Cullen pillow. I miss you calling Hello Kitty, Hi Kitty. I miss you getting excited when Gaga would fall asleep on me. I miss that you didn't care my room was a complete mess the first time you saw it. I miss when you'd talk to me like an intellgent person. I miss hearing stories of your freshman year. I miss going through your box of memories. I miss meeting your best friend. I miss that you cuddled with me on your bed even though your friends were there. I miss you thinking me being drunk was funny. I miss when I'd call you a vagina and then admit in private that I didn't think you were. I miss talking about our interactions before we liked each other with new insight. I miss talking about you going to Smith. I miss thinking that you'd be visiting me in the fall at school. I miss the idea of living with you. I miss you helping me pack up my apartment. I miss our goodbye kisses, when we didn't know the next time we'd see each other. I miss being able to share inside jokes with you. I miss being able to text you when I couldn't text anyone I was with because it was about them. I miss learning new things about you. I miss you learning new things about me. I miss that you didn't care I had so many cats. I miss that you'd talk to me about my Grandfather. I miss that you shared yourself with me. I miss thinking of things to do on your birthday. I miss making you things, that I'd never actually end up giving you. I miss looking at coloring books and ragging on you, when I actually liked that you colored. I miss knowing that my most embrassing moments didn't scare you away. I miss being able to think about you without wanting to cry. I miss your trust in me. I miss you caring about me. I miss being yours. But most of all I miss you. I know I'll never have you again. I had my chance and I was an idiot. You tell me to be easy on myself and forgive myself. You say that I'm not a monster or a bad person, I just made a stupid choice. Well I miss being able to agree with you. I pass the days thinking about when I'll be able to talk to you and then scolding myself. I need to focus on something else. You're not mine anymore, I lost you. I lost your trust and faith in me. Its funny I was typing the previous sentence and accidentally wrote, "I love y-" freudian slip I guess.

I've walked miles in your shoes...

I've taken up walking in order to sort out my thoughts. I pretty much walk everyday. On average I walk a mile a day, yesterday I walked four. Sometimes I walk to the park and sit to think. I've passed anywhere from 3o minutes to an hour sitting there by myself. I've even taken up laying in Grant Filed staring at the night sky. Yet, still with all this time for thinking I find myself struggling to find answers. Most of the time I jsut find more questions. I'm getting sick of questions. I don't want to have to keep working out things for myself. Call me lazy, pathetic, or whatnot...I'm just tired of having to sort things out. And no I can't just let things happen. There a couple important things in my life I need to sort. I'm getting afraid that I'll never have the answers to the questions I've discovered. I've always wondered why certain people get tested the most, and as I used to tell a friend, "the strongest people are tested the most." Bullshit. I don't feel strong. I feel fucking lost. I feel like someone's dropped me out a plane in Montana with a map of Wymoing and said, "Find Texas." What the fuck? So many things in my life that I thought I had the answers for, just don't seem to fit anymore. Like where do you go to meet new people? A bar? An art exhibit? How long is too long to hang on to somebody? Is it really that unhealthly to just throw in the towel on relationships? When does being professional draw close to the line of losing myself? I'm so fucking lost. I'm lost like an American in China. I don't speak whatever language every other fucking adult speaks when it comes to this shit. There are only so many times I lay on Grant Field and stare at the sky and think, "How can such petty things keep me down, when there's a whole universe out there?" I don't know. I don't fucking know. I haven't felt like crying in a couple of days, but I have a feeling another breakdown is coming. If I could just figure out one bloody question, I might be able to ease off myself.

It's a John Mayer sort of day...

"So go and drift away from me, adopt some new philosphy that doesn't hold the two of us in mind. Move into someone else's place, stare into some other's eyes, but slowly only to come to realize...you didn't need another kind of green to know, I'm on the right side."

Today has been survive-able. After all the new students left I took a two and hlaf hour nap. Upon waking I was listening to some John Mayer, per usual, when it dawned on me...I relate to his music so much because I feel the things he does. It's scary that I can listen to entire album and know exactly what he was feeling when he wrote the song. I find myself longing for things I should no longer want. I want your arms around me. I want to lie in bed and not talk. I want

to feel your lips against mine again. I wantt entirely sure how I'm going to survive seeing you this weekend. Thinking about saturday sends my heart into overdrive, which I can only relate to the idea of a panic attack. Why should you give me a panic attack? And then I remember in the wise words of John Mayer,

"Maybe when things turn green again, it will be good to say you know me. It's taking so long, I could be wrong, I could be ready...but if I take my heart's advice, I should assume it's still unready, oh I'm never really ready...I'm in repairm I'm not together, but I'm getting there."

Questions, Questions, Questions,

I feel as if each bird is a question that's floated through my head today about you. Why won't give me a second chance? Why can't we be friends? Why does he get a second chance with her and I get nothing? Why do I feel like I'm the only one hurting? Can't I just fast forward time to when it no longer hurts?

I went for a walk today by the small park near my school. I sat on a bench for 45 minutes and cried twice. I never cry in public. Then again I've never been this hurt before. Part of me tries to convince myself that things are better this way; "you won't have to give up your dream of living in NYC cause he can't do cities." My other half's response to that... "You could always get an apartment near the NY border of CT and commute into NYC." That was the thing that sent me crying. I fucked up. I know I fucked up. Knowing this doesn't help me as much as I'd hoped it would. You know what's worse then the crying in the park...? Is coming back to my single room in the dorms and crying so hard for 15 minutes that my insides hurt. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't want to keep doing this. I want it to stop hurting. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I feel like part of me is missing. I wish everyone would leave me alone. As I'm writing this people are knocking on my door, clearly I'm not coming out if I don't answer after 2 solid minutes of knocking. I just want time alone to think, but then thinking just makes me more upset. And you texted me last night....told me not be walking around alone at night. My favorite part of the texts:

Him: You really miss me, don't you?
Me: Every second of every day.
Him: Sighh. Being at Dean isn't helpful?

WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT!?

I keep straddling between being so upset and fucking pissed that it's hard for me to keep calm. Right not I'm debating if it's plausible for me to sneak out of Ewen and go for a walk without people tracking me down. I just want to dissappear into the night.

Love Fades. And Dies.

I find it hard to describe the last week. My life has been a strange mix of soul searching, basketball games, and personal limits.

I recently betrayed someone I cared for very much, for hardly any reason at all. I essentially cheated on him, regardless what our official title was. It's petty for me to blame him for not giving us a title. It's not his fault. I made a stupid, mindless decision that was fueled purely by hormones. In retrospect, it is to date the worst mistake I've made. The issue of if I was a lying slut or truthful accomplice became an issue for the longest 15 hours of my life. I'm thankful that the involved party is working things out with his significant other. However, even though what I did was shitty, why does one party get a second chance and not the other? Why am I denied another chance? Supposedly I already had 3, I don't agree with that statement, but maybe that was our problem. As much as we cared for each other, ultimately we didn't agree on basic enough things, such as when our relationship started. Perhaps when I'm looking for someone to be with I should find someone who is willing to make mistakes with and work things out. I'm not saying he never allowed me to work things out on my own, he did. I don't have all the answers and I'm not perfect, I just need to find someone to stumble do the road with me.

Being back on campus to be trained as an orientation leader, has proved to be a difficult choice for me. Not only was I dealing with being characterized as the liar, but I was heartbroken and surrounded by people 24/7. It has been a strange transition. Trying to find alone time or escapes from my problems has proved to be awkward. With constant the questioning of "What's wrong?" and "Where are you going?" I've done my best to not snap people head's off. I may have talked about a little that's going on, but that doesn't mean I need a Mother watching over my every move. Luckily, the boys here have provided me with an easy escape: basketball. Not only have we been watching the playoffs, but we've been playing games. I like playing with the boys and I'm actually not that bad. Being physical on the court has allowed me to get a little of my frustrations out. My other outlet until yesterday was the book "Spirit Bound" by Rachel Mead. Great book, but oddly reflected all the issues I was dealing with. Two guys, cheating, danger, and conflict.

It's hard for me to write exactly how feel and this blog doesn't seem to quite express how I feel. Every night since I moved back into school, I've thought of phrases that described exactly how I feel, but upon waking forgot them. I must confess the realization that I'm actually alone now and no longer have that person in my life saddens me greatly. There have been times when all I've wanted is to be numb and alcohol seemed the best option, but alas I have not gone there. I'm making myself deal with the choice I made. I can't hide what I've done from myself. I did. It's over. There's no going back. I won't lie that every now and then I still hope that things will change, but the realist in me knows that I fucked the situation over. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I just feel lost. I feel like I'm wondering around the woods alone in the dark with only a matchbook. I pray that I soon find the path that leads me somewhere I can learn to live in.

Being back on campus is not the path I want however. Everything here reminds me of him. I found myself wondering around campus and in front of his old dorm. I'm stuffing folders and his face is on the advertisements. Stories that are shared somehow always relate back. Letting go has been hard enough as it is dealing with my guilt, but these constant reminders make it even harder. Perhaps I'll be able to stop missing him soon, until then I'll just have to take it day by day.

I'm Late, I'm Late for a Very Important Date...

"But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then..."




"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"
-Alice

Top 5 Hipster Tattoos

Want to be a hipster? Like tattoos? Then here's your guide to be hip by your tattoos & if you have all five, then you're the shit.

1. Birds/Feathers





Birds have feathers, so naturally that's hip.

2. Heart





Like having one already isn't enough.

3. "This too shall pass"/I carry your heart"/"Let it be"













I don't even know. Everyone and there mom has these tattoos. So just jump on the bandwagon, hipster.

4. Bows





Gotta tie your life, skin, or sorrows together.

5. Chest piece







Nothing's hotter then a chest piece & if you have the previous 4 in it, God you are THE SHIT! High five to you! You're more of hipster than me. Congrats.

Tick Tock

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future."
John F. Kennedy




"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the
second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."

Anyone that knows me, knows that I hate my grandfather. I resent how some of his past actions have affected my family. My issues with him aside, I've never met a person on this earth who doesn't deserve a second chance more than him. Then why, do I ask myself, am I feeling slightly sadden by his current state? He's dying. Lung cancer that's metastasized. He's supposed to be dead by July. His figure resembles nothing like what it used to be. He's withered away. The demon of a man he used to be is hard to find these days, but it still reels it's head every now and then. I find it extremely hard to accept that just because he's dying that I should forgive him. I don't want to. Forgiving him isn't going to change anything. It won't change the two christmases I had to go through as a kid. It won't change the way my dad's programed. It won't change my childhood. It's just not gonna change anything. He wants me to have all his dishes, pots and pans for when I get an apartment of my own. If he was anything like an actual grandfather then he'd know that I have all that stuff and that I've been living in an apartment for the last two years at school. There's a secret part of me that feels sad about all of this. Mostly however I turn a cold shoulder to the whole situation. Does this make me a bad person?

Run away. Far. Far away.

I've been in a pondering mood today. For whatever reasons these lyrics have been tossing around my head.

"God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break free at all."

"I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places."

"What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you...
And what am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay..."


Lots and lots of mixed emotions today. I feel hopefully for the summer, but there a little doubts picking at the back of mind. Lately my life's felt like the whisper of a memory.

Things I've done to get to NYC: started a dance troupe & developed several ideas for pieces.

Where do I go?

Well, a lot has changed since Monday. One week. One bloody week and my life is upside down. This weekend I watched a large chunk of my friends walk out of my life. Graduated. They graduated. I know that we'll still be friends, it's just hard to process that they won't be down the hall or a quick trip downstairs. And in the last week I've also grown accustomed to having someone holding my hand and kissing me. Most of all I've grown accustomed to him sleeping in my bed. Last night was strange not feeling the touch of his skin against mine or the heat of his body again me. There's one word for what I'm feeling. Missing. I miss him. Even though it's been two very short weeks I feel close to him. Which is extremely forgien to me. I've never really let anyone in and sometimes in the back of my mind I wonder if I'm just going to get hurt in the end. Someone I know told me I should try and live in the moment, so here I am attempting to living in it. It's hard at times. I feel like my mind is trying to protect myself and that's why I still haven't fully processed all that's happened. As I struggle to find the words to write how I feel, I can feel my chest tensing and my breath hiccuping. I want to cry. I really do, but I can't. I almost did this morning when mother asked me what I was going to do about internships. How hard is it to fucking process that because I don't have a car it's hard for me to find a job, more or less a fucking internship? Or how about the fact that I feel fucking alienated at home because I have no car. I feel fucking trapped and fucking alone. You wonder why I'm always tired here, it's cause I'm fucking depressed. All I want to do is sleep while I'm home, yay for fucking me. I was happy at school and I resent that my home makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm going to go out of my mind until I see my friends again. 6 days. 6 fucking days to survive, until I get to see some of them. God all I want is a fucking car and a life. Goodnight cruel, cruel world.

Things I've done to get to NYC: Learn how to say goodbye

Letter to Lost One

Dear Lost,
I'm writing this to explain exactly what happened. I don't know if you'll ever read this nor do I care. I had a wonderful week with you that I wouldn't trade for the world. I enjoyed our late night conversations and I really let myself be vulnerable with you. I told you things I shouldn't have so soon, just because I was comfortable with you. You don't know it, but you changed a lot of my perceptions about things. Before you I just wanted a fuck buddy, I thought all I needed was sex. Then you came into the picture and you made me realize that what I wanted was a relationship. You know how shitty my last guy had been to me and yet you weren't perfect either. Don't lay with me in bed and tell me who much you care about me and how much you like me and say shit like "I'd ask you to be my girlfriend, but with graduation..." Fuck you. You told someone that you didn't want to smother me. Is that why we couldn't walk down the streets of Franklin holding hands? Is that why you didn't kiss me goodbye in the Campus Center, but the morning before you refused to leave my condo without one...You'd probably say that it was only supposed to be a thing, but when you start telling a girl how you feel about her, no matter how hard she tries to be, eventually that shit will sink in. So thanks for telling me "I'm beautiful" in private and not acknowledging it in public. Thanks for trying to make me feel like shit when I was breaking up with you. Thanks for calling me selfish for ending things with now with you instead of watching you walk out of my life at graduation. Thanks for making it seem that things might have worked after graduation, when you know they fucking wouldn't have. If you had really wanted things to work you wouldn't have ignored me in public or keep bringing up graduation. I'll tell you right now the three reasons why things wouldn't have worked:

1. I'm a party girl. I want to go to clubs & bars.
2. You still don't know me, you hardly asked me anything.
3. I'm still in college, I wouldn't have made you wait for me.

And you want to know the saddest part of this, that as much as I care about you I haven't cried. That night after we talked...I curled up onto B's couch, waiting for her to come home and only two tears fell. Two. And then I was over it, over it all. Granted there have been times in the past couple days that somethings made me think of you or like last night when I slept in my bed for the first time since Thursday night, I smelled you and it made me sad. So I can't say that I don't miss you and that I still don't care about you. I do. Thinking about the last week makes me happy, sad, and so angry. In your own way you treated me shitty. You should have known that I'd get attached and that bringing up the whole graduation thing and how this was nothing too serious, was shitty. And I'm not writing this to get you back, I'm writing this for me. I'm selfish. I want to write these things to move on and to stop caring about how you're doing. I'm not the bad one, but if it makes you feel better, I'll be the fucking bitch that hurt you, but I'm not "another girl who rejected you". I got out before either of us got too hurt. Trust me, things would have been a lot worse the longer this went on.

Love,
Sarah

p.s. Hope you're doing fine. I'm sorry.

Things I've done to get to NYC: Broke another part of my heart.

Lonely Stars

Walking back from the campus center tonight I found myself starring at the sky. The nighttime sky is so vast and it makes me wonder if somewhere out there my other half is looking too. Is that possible? In a world of six billion people, is there someone designed for me just waiting out there. Does everyone have another half? Every time I look at the sky the vision of me laying in the grass cuddled into him, over takes my senses. I find it funny that in a world so big I can feel so lonely. That thought alone makes me worried, if I'm lonely here, won't I be just as lonely if not more so in NYC? Someone today told me that I should try to live more in the present than worry about the past and the future. Prehaps this is just me living in the present. I'm lonely. I'm not thinking about who I've been with and who I want to be with in the future. I'm lonely. Ah! I should sleep 8am classes never treat me well and I have to make up ballet classes I missed. Bahumbug.

Cup Size Rant

Why do men evaluate women on their breast size? Excuse me, not all of us can afford nor wish to have huge breasts. The size of a bra cup has no relation to the beauty of my face or character. Screw you and your asshole ways. Yes, I may or may not have had a few drinks when coming to this conclusion, but completely sober it's still true. I may not have the biggest breast in the room, but I'd like to believe that I'm beautiful young woman. Fuck you and you and you. You're all the same. I'm sure if I stuck my tits out more you'd enjoy the view better...well guess what! I have diginity and standards so sorry I won't do that. And you may argue that we have some sort of history, yeah well guess what!?! The reason I got all dolled up tonight wasn't for you! It was for myself and if you happened to enjoy the way I was looking then you SHOULD have said it to my FACE. Communication is the basis to every friendship and sexual relationship. Done waiting, done caring, done with you. Done. Done. Done. I realize when I wake up from this early morning mind set, I'll chalk up a dozen reasons to give you another chance. And sadly you'll always have a second chance in my book and you'll always be that one in the back of mind. I don't know what I did to deserve you or lose you, but karma's a fucking bitch. One day I'll be with a man who loves every flaw and every line of my body. We'll be in bliss and it won't have been with you. So sorry this 34 B isn't as "attractive" as your 36 D, but you can suck my vagina.

Rainy, Rainy Days

Today was a rainy day of thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts. Thoughts about all the drama of my college, of ex friends, dreams, and my film survey project. Film Survey..."create your own dance film". Oh, okay. I'm actually quite excited for this project, the idea has really been developing. My group and I have decided that our film is going along the lines of Maya Deren. Hopefully everything goes well and the project comes out great. I think it shall. I have also recently decided that I shall enroll in a photography class this summer, so I can have a side job taking headshots and dance photos for people, since I already do it for free for friends. Ideally I'd love to enroll in Film School once I move to NYC, but we shall see only 4 weeks left of the semester.

also is " (RAH)² (AH)³ + [ROMA (1+MA)] + (GA)² + (OOH)(LA)² " tattoo material?

Rainy Tuesday

Sitting in my condo at school, happy that it has kind of stopped raining. Dane Cook's on the telly and I'm debating what to make for dinner. When is an acceptable time to find a summer job? Is April too early? I'm not looking forward to finding a semi boring job for the summer...prehaps I can get my job back at the bookstore I used to work at or maybe I'll get my bartender's licence. Ahhh but I believe in Mass I need to be 21....ugh only 106 days until the big birthday.

Things I've done to get to NYC: Gone to class & woke up alive haha

New Path

So when I first started this blog last year I was planning on detailing the six weeks I lived in NYC while attending a dance program. As the archive of this blog will tell you I only wrote once, in my defence however I did post somewhere else. Now however I've decided that this blog shall document my journey to move to NYC with only a little more than a year until I graduate with B.A. in Dance and about 100 dollars in my bank account, I have a feeling this will be one interesting year.