Letter to Lost One

Dear Lost,
I'm writing this to explain exactly what happened. I don't know if you'll ever read this nor do I care. I had a wonderful week with you that I wouldn't trade for the world. I enjoyed our late night conversations and I really let myself be vulnerable with you. I told you things I shouldn't have so soon, just because I was comfortable with you. You don't know it, but you changed a lot of my perceptions about things. Before you I just wanted a fuck buddy, I thought all I needed was sex. Then you came into the picture and you made me realize that what I wanted was a relationship. You know how shitty my last guy had been to me and yet you weren't perfect either. Don't lay with me in bed and tell me who much you care about me and how much you like me and say shit like "I'd ask you to be my girlfriend, but with graduation..." Fuck you. You told someone that you didn't want to smother me. Is that why we couldn't walk down the streets of Franklin holding hands? Is that why you didn't kiss me goodbye in the Campus Center, but the morning before you refused to leave my condo without one...You'd probably say that it was only supposed to be a thing, but when you start telling a girl how you feel about her, no matter how hard she tries to be, eventually that shit will sink in. So thanks for telling me "I'm beautiful" in private and not acknowledging it in public. Thanks for trying to make me feel like shit when I was breaking up with you. Thanks for calling me selfish for ending things with now with you instead of watching you walk out of my life at graduation. Thanks for making it seem that things might have worked after graduation, when you know they fucking wouldn't have. If you had really wanted things to work you wouldn't have ignored me in public or keep bringing up graduation. I'll tell you right now the three reasons why things wouldn't have worked:

1. I'm a party girl. I want to go to clubs & bars.
2. You still don't know me, you hardly asked me anything.
3. I'm still in college, I wouldn't have made you wait for me.

And you want to know the saddest part of this, that as much as I care about you I haven't cried. That night after we talked...I curled up onto B's couch, waiting for her to come home and only two tears fell. Two. And then I was over it, over it all. Granted there have been times in the past couple days that somethings made me think of you or like last night when I slept in my bed for the first time since Thursday night, I smelled you and it made me sad. So I can't say that I don't miss you and that I still don't care about you. I do. Thinking about the last week makes me happy, sad, and so angry. In your own way you treated me shitty. You should have known that I'd get attached and that bringing up the whole graduation thing and how this was nothing too serious, was shitty. And I'm not writing this to get you back, I'm writing this for me. I'm selfish. I want to write these things to move on and to stop caring about how you're doing. I'm not the bad one, but if it makes you feel better, I'll be the fucking bitch that hurt you, but I'm not "another girl who rejected you". I got out before either of us got too hurt. Trust me, things would have been a lot worse the longer this went on.

Love,
Sarah

p.s. Hope you're doing fine. I'm sorry.

Things I've done to get to NYC: Broke another part of my heart.