A moment of clarity.

I've wanted to write the past couple days, but I haven't felt comfortable actually writing any of it down. I'm still not a hundred percent comfortable so this post will not only be both vague, but confusing. I've been going through my days in a fashion that can only be described as drifting. I went on the second date that guy, the beach. It went well, seeing as he kissed me before I left. Well actually, made out with me in his driveway is more like it. I find myself lost when it comes to him. He's cute, nice and I'm comfortable with him...and that's all I'll say about him in this post, because I don't want a written record of how I'm exactly feeling about him.

My world seems to be a mix of doubt, mistrust, hurt, abandonment, confusion, and hope. My mood changes at such drastic speed that it scares me. I'm fully functioning and content and then I want to slam my fist into the wall or I day dream about hurting someone...and I have come up with many different scenarios. I'm not a violent person, but my day dreams just ends with me beating my frustration out on this person. Then when its not my anger fighting to get out, I just get this washing feeling of sadness. I used to think that the sadness was just over my Ex choosing to be with someone else over me...then I slowly began to realize that I felt lied to, deceived and used. I've been doubting almost every experience I had with him over our year together. Was it really just sex? Was every time he told me it wasn't about sex, a lie? I don't want to talk to him, at all about our past...there's no point, it's in the past. I'm trying hard to find my answers and be happy with myself....and feeling lost along the way.

I've never been much a religious person, I just agreed with the religion forced upon me, but I did something last night that I haven't done in a very long time...I prayed. I know in an earlier post I said I would explain my "God and Goddess" comment, well...even though I was raised Catholic, I prefer to practise Wicca. I don't fully identify as a practitioner because it's been years since I've practised. I was heavily into it during middle school and the beginning of high school before the rest of my life became my focus. So last night when I prayed, I casted a circle (lit candles around me), I wrote two Rune symbols on my arm meaning healing, and asked the Goddess for help. I asked her to make me whole, to heal me from the inside out, to take away the darkness inside my heart. I asked her to heal my body and my heart. I asked her to take away my disease, my anger, and my hate for him. I cried and cried so hard while begging to be made whole again. I also begged her to forgive me. I felt so drained after I closed the circle and refreshed that I think I'm going to pray again tonight. And I realize my pagan ways may have some people looking at me completely different, but I'm done hiding it...I believe in the power of nature and the female and male energies of the universe. The concept of a fire place beneath me and a cloudy kingdom above me is to me more fantastical then praying to a male and female energy that controls the world....

And I'm not gonna really keep talking about my religious views cause this post was just to get some of my worries/thoughts off my mind. The date of my next doctor's appointment looms ahead in the future, 3 weeks. I still haven't come to terms with my HPV and I know that it's the root of my anger and hurt when it comes to my Ex. It feels like he forgot about me in regards to this, that I'm all alone in this. I worry how things could progress and if things didn't go well, how he'd be too busy loving and caring for his new girlfriend to even care about the problems he left me with...and I feel strange bringing a new person into this mess. I'm feeling very lost and hoping that praying will bringing me some guidance.

2nd time around.

Did some retail therapy today and got two awesome dresses and a romper. Oh two pairs of cute earrings. Had my interview with the studio, that I have a feeling I probably won't be working at...eh there are others. However, I received a text while shopping that put a smile on my face. The guy from the date I went on last week wanted to make plans. Which we have, for Saturday. We're going to the beach down the street from his house. I'm driving there with hopefully a friend if I can find one to go. But I'm like a little nervous to have him see me in a bikini cause I want him to like me. Gah. Being a girl comes with way too many worries.

le souffle de l'amour

After watching countless romantic movies and seeing pictures of couples kissing in my online browsing..I've decided I want to make a list of places I want to be kissed. Kind of like a kissing bucket list.

I want to be kissed...
...in the rain.
...under the stars.
...underwater.
...in the middle of a crowd.
...in a bar.
...at the airport.
...in front of all my friends.
...when I'm sick.
...at the beach.
...at a concert.
...in the middle of the street.
...in the water.
...in the snow.
...under the mistletoe.
...during a fight.
...after a fight.
...in jealous anger.
...under fireworks.
...in a foreign country.

I'll add more of them as I think of them and repost.

Yes 3rd post of the day...

I don't why I keep posting so much today, prehaps its because my mind hasn't stop buzzing since I woke up this morning. My life is changing so much. I see so many doors opening for me in places I don't think to look before...or doors I thought I had lost the key to are suddenly unlocked and opening. My life doesn't feel as negative as it has in the past couple weeks. I'm not saying there aren't those moments when I just want to cease to exist, oh there are, but I find more and more reasons to push forward. Tomorrow, I have an interview with a dance studio in Westborough, that's about an hour away from me. Wednesday, I have an interview with a dance studio in North Attleboro. Of course Tuesday and Thursday night I'm teaching. And Friday I have been invited to a party. Hell fucking yeah this week seems good. I will be shopping tomorrow and hanging with Alex when I'm not interviewing or teaching. I should be seeing Kristin, also later in the week. Going to be a great week. I bought a new bookcase at Ikea yesterday, so once I've built it [haha] I'll post my photos of it and while I'm at it...Starting tomorrow, push ups and core exercising in preparation for my friend's party in three weeks. I will have an even killer body for it. I've already started getting my tan on, so I look healthy and not deathly. I'm gonna buy a bomb outfit for it and if the stars are lined up for me, I might have a guest to bring with me. That part is extremely up in the air, but a girl can hope. Look out world, something inside of me is clawing to get out and I think I'm finally ready to let it.

Trash.

I keep finding your shit everywhere...random photos on my latop, folder in my favorites bar of your clothes, some little thing in my room that has some connection with you. Gah. I should probably start deleting you from my life. Make a folder on my computer and shove all the files that I can't seem to make myself delete and store you in there. You'd think in typical girl fashion I would have burned all photos of us [all five of them], burned the clothes you got me for christmas, throw out the necklace you got me then too, deleted video files so I couldn't watch them anymore...and yet I haven't. I've kept a cool head about me...minus the random "fuck you"s that slip out when I'm drinking or pissed. I can't rationalize getting rid of the gifts because I like them and they're mine, not yours...I can't rationalize burning the photos because it was a time of my life, however I may burn those picture frames I made for us...and to be completely honest I forgot about half the things on my laptop that are from you. You were my best friend and my lover. And I'd thought you'd still be my best friend...but I'm thinking the jury's still out on that one...

Oh! Sweet Liberation.

Last night awakened something in me that I have been missing...
Feeling naughty. Feeling adventurous. Feeling alive.
I had a few drinks last night and got down on the dance floor.
I felt free and sexy. I haven't felt like this in months.
I realized I enjoy being the girl being desired.
I enjoy being the girl dancing up on a guy.
I want to be showed off, I want to be someone's fantasy, I want to be the girl you wish you were with.
I want to be naughty and carefree. I want to be swept off the dance floor by an attractive stranger.
I've missed that feeling in the bottom of my gut that tells me, if given the chance, I'd give him a rememberable night. I've missed my sex appeal. I'm 22 years young, I'm at my prime. I vow to become everything that I can be, every little fantasy of a male counterpart. My inner sex kitten is ready to come out play, hope the world is ready.

I uh miss uh you

So even though I was the one that left you...
because I wanted a relationship with you...
and you didn't want one with me...
because you like her better...
I still miss you, so much...
and the days were going okay,
because I had my anger...
and then that went away,
and you weren't on my mind as much...
and then yesterday was my birthday...
and I couldn't help, but think of you...
because last year I spent it with you...
you gave me my card at midnight,
made love to me and held me tight,
took me on a date that night to see Twilight,
and then held me until I feel asleep that night...
and so yesterday, I cried, hard, for you...
because it still hurts,
because I still love you,
because I miss you.
I don't want to miss you anymore...
I want to carry on with my life the way you carry on with yours,
by not thinking of me and spending time with someone else...
because let's be honest, I was always crying over you,
because I always knew that I was saying goodbye to you,
because you were never mine to begin with...

Weekly Gratitude [2]

Here is this week's installment.

[Ten] I'm thankful that I've reached 22 years of life this week (yesterday).
[Nine] I'm thankful that Harry Potter came out this week, even though I haven't seen it yet.
[Eight] I'm thankful that my date on Wednesday went well, at least on my end I think. We'll see if I'm right.
[Seven] I am thankful that Alex has been letting me hang with her a lot this week, think I've spent like 3 days this week there.
[Six] I am thankful to Alex & her mom. They got Chinese food from my favorite place for dinner yesterday and cupcakes for my birthday. I feel like I have a second family.
[Five] Again I'm thankful to Alex & her mom, who listened to all my worries about my date and the hardships of my ex.
[Four] I am thankful to have a caring brother who got me a birthday gift even though he paid for half of my iPhone when I bought it, when he didn't have to.
[Three] I am thankful for a body that others tell me to take pride in...I'm working on that.
[Two] I am thankful that I have started to fall in love with teaching, children, and teaching children.
[One] Most of all this week, I am thankful to anyone and everyone who cared that yesterday was my birthday and truly care about me. I have some great friends. (no sarcasm intended)

The Dating World.

Okay so in preparation for my date tomorrow, I've been reading articles from magazines about the Dos and Don'ts about first dates. From what I've gathered the Dos are:

• be yourself
• wear something comfortable
• don't wear heels cause you don't know if you'll do a lot of walking
• hair down sends a better message then an updo
• natural makeup

Don'ts:

• wear an outfit you've never worn before
• talk about exs or sex
• mindlessly babble or complain about your life
• drink too much

So what I've gathered is too appear just enough of you to keep them interested, but don't let them know about any of your crazy... So my question is, what are you supposed to do when they ask a question, that can't be answered without talking about one of the things you're not supposed to? Or how do you go out to drinks without drinking too much? And how much is too much? 2 drinks? 4 drinks?

When I'm not worrying about "dating rules" I'm worrying about what to wear, how to do my hair, what shoes, how much make up...I want to wear heels (my foot will probably kill), but I'm worried I'll seem too tall. And then I worry if he walks me to my car, will he care that I drive a minivan? I worry that I'll say something stupid, or better yet have that awkward moment of silence when I have no idea what to say. And I'm worried about how to cover my disgusting foot because both flats and heels will show it. Sneakers are not date shoes and I don't know if I can get my foot into a pair of boots. Plus are boots summer wear? Ugh. I have no idea what to wear, I think a dress is a good bet, but they're all a little short. Skirts are a definite no go, way too short. It's too hot for pants...dresses it is then. And I'm freaking out/babbling for no reason. It's a date. One date. Ugh.

Teaching my first class.

So I'm home from my first time teaching and besides my foot pounding (I broke it open again a little, uh) I feel like I did a good job. The girls were a little nervous and didn't talk the entire time, but they seemed to enjoy it. We did  a combination to "Baby" by Justin Bieber and we'll be continuing it on Thursday. I realized that what I thought seven year olds could handle is not what seven year olds can handle. I need to simplify things more then I had thought to. It was only a 45 minute class, but I found myself wondering how I'd make it through it. There came a point during the class when I teaching the combo that I thought they weren't enjoying it so I told them to lip sync the song. I swear I did more cheesey facial expressions during that then I have done in all my cruise line auditions. Prehaps next audition I'll pretend I'm teaching children. Today's class was Hip Hop and in 2 weeks I'll be teaching modern, which will hopefully calm me down a little. I also have an interview with a studio in Westborough on Monday and I'm scheduling another intereview with one in Scituate. Both these studios are like an hour away from me, but I'm actually looking forward to interviewing there. Am I falling in love with teaching or just happy at the possibilty of being employed?

Le Foot.

So this is my foot hours after the incident. You know, the one when I was pushed into a lake and tripped over a rock and cut my foot open.

Pretty nice huh?

And this my foot Saturday, 6 days after.

Looks like shit, right? It feels like shit still too. Not all the time. Mainly after I sit for a good chunk of time and then try to walk again....I can feel my skin pull. Ugh. And the pulse behind the cut, which I'm sure I've rebroken open at least 3 times since it originally happened. I cannot wait for those little white sterile strips to come off. I think they hurt more then the amazing scab I'm gonna have, you know before it turns into an even better scar. My foot remains a little swollen the last couple days, around the injuried area. I still can't point my foot or wear shoes that aren't my flip flops without pain. I'm not supposed to get it wet either, which is how I came up with the brillant idea of saran wrapping my foot in order to take a shower. After taping the saran wrap to my foot, I was more than pleasantly surprised to see it worked.

Now if only it'll stop hurting enough that I can wear flats, maybe heels for a date I'm supposed to go on this week, not to mention I'm supposed to be going to the club Saturday for my birthday. This foot is taking a little longer to heal then I thought it would. It also seems to be the only topic that a certain person, seems to care about talking to me about. I understand that he may be worried about me, but I'm getting a little tired of it. I honestly don't think you can be that worried about me...if anything your guilt is hurting you. So I think it's more out of guilt then actually caring about me that drives these conversations. I stand my ground on the belief that I cared for you more then you ever cared for me.

Alex.

I spent the weekend at my friend, Alex's house. She just got home from the hospital Friday after being in a horrible car accident. She swerved to avoid hitting a squirrel and flipped her car four times. She had to get reconstructive surgery on her left knee, stitches for a gash on her right knee, has a partially collapsed lung, fractured three of her vertebrae and got a bad case of seatbelt burn.

The part that broke my heart the most was the story of her boyfriend/ex boyfriend, I'm not sure where they are at in their relationship again, saved her. The accident was on his street and he heard it from his house. Alex said that he came running down the street. Upon getting to the car he crawled on his hands and knees through glass to get to her. He ripped open the window with his bare hands, his own blood running down his arms. All the while he was bargaining with God to save her, take him instead, to not let the person he loved die.

I'd have to be made entirely out of stone to not have that touch my heart. I've been naive. I complain about my broken heart and how I loved someone...but I don't know if I've ever loved someone that much. I've never had to test my love like that. I can't imagine being in a situation where I'd actually risk my safety for the person I love. I assume that if the time came up, I would indeed do that. For people who have become jaded with others, have to admit that this story is eye awakening. How can you say people suck, when there is someone out there willing to do that?

Weekly Gratitude [1]

So I'm going to try at the end of every week to list at least ten things I'm grateful for that happened that week. So here goes week one.

[Ten] I'm thankful that I only needed some minor stitches on my foot and that I am in otherwise good health.
[Nine] I'm thankful that I was able to know how it feels to completely open my heart to another human being even if it didn't end well.
[Eight] I'm thankful that I got some sun this week at the beach. The simple pleasure of sunshine cannot be over looked.
[Seven] I am thankful that I live with parents who accept who I am as an artist and my tattoos.
[Six] I am thankful to have Leilani in my life. For such a short time we've known each other, she's pretty close to my other half. I don't know what I would have done without her since graduation.
[Five] I am thankful that I have started to get back into my spiritual roots. I haven't felt the God and Goddess in some time. (I'll explain this more in another post sometime)
[Four] I am thankful to have amazing friends that let me vent my woes to them and pick me up when I'm down.
[Three] I am thankful for shopping trips to mall, even if it's only to Victoria Secret.
[Two] I am thankful that I have a love so strong in my life it isn't going anywhere; Dance.
[One] Most of all I am thankful that I am not living in a culture that oppresses me and limits my life based on religion.

Still hurting

It still takes me by shock when I start to cry. I see a picture, hear a song, a movie comes on...I am trying to hard not to hurt anymore and you seem to feel nothing. You've replaced me with her. I was trying to replace you with my long walks and fitness, but this week I haven't been able to escape to that. And yet still it hurts. I hurt. My heart hurts. I cry at random times driving and stop. I watch a romantic movie and they kiss, I cry. Kesha's "Your Love is My Drug" pops up on my iPod, I have to change it before I start to cry. I want to stop crying. I want to stop hurting. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this pain and I don't want it anymore.

When I was carefree...

This is me October 2009.

This is me Feb 2010.

This is me April 2010.

This is me May 2010.

This is me Sept 2010.

I need to find this place again. I need to find this.

Confession.

So recently I have allowed my negative and bitter feelings to sort of, maybe, almost totally comsume my life. After some reflective time outside today and rereading some recent text messages I sent while intoxicated, I realized I need some readjustment of my feelings. I admit I internalize things, I don't like to get unwanted attention, I don't like inconviencing people, I don't like being a burden. So imagine my surprise when it seems this starts to backfire on me.

I've been depressed about the lack of control of my life. No job, no one to love me, no moving to New York for another year, no friends left in my home town. I have never, and I repeat never had an eating problem before...I love food. I eat like a fat kid, normally. But I'd say the last 1 1/2 to 2 weeks I haven't  really been eating. I'd have a yogurt or cereal for breakfast, eat no lunch, munch on some wheat thins, and then have some of whatever my parents made for dinner.I just haven't felt hungry cause I haven't really been doing much besides lounging around my house. I'd say it was just me adjusting to the sudden summer weather, since me and heat always seems to disagree at the beginning of the summer...but this weekend kinda tipped me off that I need more food.

Friday. I had a bagel from dunkin dounts with strawberry cream cheese and an iced coffee and went to the beach. A small cup of ice cream and I can't remember what for dinner.

Saturday. Yogurt in the morning. Large gatorade after a 2 mile walk. Then had all of 6 raviolis for dinner, before driving to Onset to go to Britteny's family's cookout. I had some more wheat thins with hummus.


I woke up Sunday morning at 4 a.m. in a dead sweat and pounding headache. I figured because I feel asleep without my AC on that was reason, so I turned it on and went back to sleep. Fast forward to 7 a.m. when I wake up feeling like some kicked my head in, my headache was that bad, and to top it off I felt nauseous. I knew I needed fluids and food asap. So I picked my body up out of my bed and journeyed to go downstairs. I didn't make it to my bedroom door before my eyes went black, head was pulsing to my heartbeat, and I felt like I was gonna overheat [even though my AC was set to 69 degrees]. I knew this was not good. I continued heading downstairs, at the bottom of the stairs my eyes went black again, so I sat on the bottom step for a moment. Got myself an OJ, gatorade and banana and made my way back up to my room. I then forced myself to down the OJ and banana before going back to bed. When I woke up at 10 a.m. I felt like the things before had never happened. I knew I probably shouldn't drink or go to the cookout, but fuck that. It was my fault that I hadn't eaten and I was not going to miss having a good time, plus I felt fine. And to be completely honest besides the accident with my foot, I can say that I've felt healthy and fine since then. Minus the morning after drinking for 12 hours, I never eat the morning after drinking.

Sunday. To go orange juice and a banana. Large gatorade. Bowl of cereal and then off to Sturbridge for my friend's cookout/birthday party. Starting drinking vodka and sprite. Had some clam chowdah and macaroni salad. More vodka and sprite. Triscuits. More vodka and sprite.
Monday. 5 bites of a dunkin donuts bagel with strawberry cream cheese. A hot dog before going to the ER to get my foot looked at. Wheat thins and some other snack things after.

I have started eating again this week, forcing myself to. Partly because I know I need to and partly because of the antibiotics I'm on. I guess besides Sunday morning, my tip off was that I've lost 4 pounds in the last week. I haven't weighed myself this week, Saturday was the last day I did. I weighed in at 126. [Now I know I'm skinny and I'm not stating this to brag]. When I left school I was about 133/135. Sometime in June I settled into 130 because of some lose of what I assume to be muscle tone and the summer weather. Due to my height I shouldn't really be 126. I'm borderline underweight/normal. My BMI is 18.6, anything below 18.5 is underweight. I know that I shouldn't have used food to control any part of my life. I don't need to be on a diet, so not eating isn't really an option for me. I acknowledge that I am indeed depressed. I can't just not eat because I'm depressed. Getting skinnier isn't going to bring him back or make me prettier. I still need calories even if I'm not as active as I used to be. I promise everyone that I will start taking care of myself again. Last week was my version of rock bottom. I don't like being there and I don't want to go back there. I will not allow myself to alter myself because of someone else conscience or unconsciously. I will not be weak. I will not be weak anymore.

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage

So my feelings of punching you in the face still haven't died down from sunday, so I'd say it's safe to assume I'm still pretty pissed at you. And what, may you ask has gotten me all bent out of shape? Oh trust me I'll be writing it all down.

"Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart as well as your body
And can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love as well as your folly"

Clearly meeting your new girl-thing, whatever she is, and honestly I'm not being a horrible person, but I can't remember her name, upset me. And I'm not gonna trash talk her cause really I can't be mad to her, just you. Plus, I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but I still think you deserve someone better then a copy of your brother's girlfriend. It was lovely going to a party I was told that my presence was wanted at and yet, besides feeling like a pawn for everyone's amusement, the only real interaction we had was when you cut my foot open and then guiltly helped mend me up. Part of me feels like we wouldn't have really talked if that hadn't happen, and don't try to deny it. You were attached to your new girl's hip the entire time. There's nothing more I love then watching my friend act like a puppy following around his brother and his girlfriend. C'mon even Steph called you out in the car to me, that you weren't social even to her. As awful as it is for me to say this, but Scott acted like a better friend to me over the last year then you did at your party. That's a little fucked up.

"A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections"

You know why I was drunk from the moment I showed at your mom's house until after you left? Cause I was biting my tongue the entire time. I was trying to be the mature one, trying to act like everything was okay. And it's not like I can't handle interact with you, feels like you can't. I had venom in my veins, especially after you cut up my foot. I could have been the nastiest bitch, but I took the high road the entire time at your mom's...and then I get to Hurley's and I feel like I can fucking relax, stop feeling anxious and nope you bring her, which I knew you would, but ehh. Steph said I was more mature then she is cause she would have flipped a shit. She told me that I should have started screaming or like pulled hair or something. I laughed, I wouldn't fight, as much as my blood was boiling at you, I just drank it away instead.


And what the fuck was up with you at Hurley's? I don't know what's going on in your fucking head, I don't know if everything is okay with you...you know since we hardly ever talk, but c'mon clearly somethings going on in there. And when you played beer pong with her, I was like, "Hmm never did that with me..." I was just always the drunk girl to take home at the end of night, huh? And I had to laugh at myself cause if I stayed attached to you the way she did at the party I would have been smothering you and then we would have had to have a talk about it the next day...oh man double standards. And then, oh the kicker...when you left...one arm awkward hug and a "sorry about your foot", you've got to be fucking with me. I cried after you left. I was texting my friend trying to get myself together, but of course your little friend Andy found me crying. And I know you know that me made out. I'm not sorry about it and I don't have to explain anything. But you know he was just the icing on the cake for me for an awesome party, totally.When everyone started to go to bed or had left, I didn't want to go upstairs to sleep. Why would I want to do that? I was just gonna lay in bed and think about all the things you were probably doing with her and how she was probably in what was my side of the bed...So I kept my mind occupied and stayed up talking with Andy and Mike. Then Mike left. And I stayed up talking with Andy. And then he turned off the living room lights and kissed me. I should have guessed from how he kept asking me if I was going to be okay about you that he was gonna try something eventually. And I probably should have just gone upstairs to bed when he asked if I was okay with it, but I was lonely and it felt nice to not feel like a freak. And just to be held...and all I could think was how it felt nothing like you, it just felt empty. Just a shallow experience.And he told me how your mom asked him to run interference since "your two girlfriends were here" Ha. Ha. Ha. Wow the cherry on the shit on me sundae is completely. No wonder your mom kept asking if I needed anything at her house and then I get hurt. I'm sure that looked even better. Just everyone's fucking amusement. The charity case. The poor, hurt girl. You realize you hurting my foot is the perfect metaphor for our relationship...you didn't mean to, you were just trying to have fun, but you didn't mean to hurt me..


"But tell me now, where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart..."

I guess I still just don't understand your reasoning for not wanting a relationship with me too, which pisses me off. Cause I think your reasoning is a little horseshit to be frank.

Distance. Really? After a year distance is a issue still? Is an hour and a half really any different then the hour it was to Dean? I don't really think so. Plus you said you wanted to meet my parents, so clearly the idea of driving to my house then wasn't that big of deal. So I'm gonna call bullshit on this one.

Your work. I accept that work is your first thing so that you can get into grad school and all, but really? I'm pretty sure if you date her over me, you'll still be putting one of us a little bit before work in your life. So bullshit again.

Me moving. Umm, when was the last time you ever actually fucking talked or asked me about this? Cause I can't remember. Funny thing is I always planned to move by the end of the summer, but let's be real. I have no job and no money. I took a teaching job purposely to make myself stay at home to work and save money over the next year, I didn't choose to stay here because of you. Which doesn't mean that you aren't important to me, I just figured if you know you actually ever loved me like you said you did we could be adults, if we were dating, when it came time for me to move and we could maybe try the long distance thing...so I'm still gonna call a little bullshit on this one.

Her. I'm assuming you like her, but you know I couldn't tell if you just really wanted to be with Chris's girlfriend or you just liked that she was new. She's not something you can play with. Eventually you'll give her the same line you gave me, "I care about and I don't want to hurt you, but..." It's fucked I'm saying this, but don't break her heart like you broke mine...cause I don't think she's like me, she won't be able to be friends with you after.

And I guess what tops it all off is that your sorry about my foot. I know you are, but that doesn't change anything. I get to hobble around for the next fucking week with this stupid ass shoe and after it's all over? I'll just have a huge scar I'll get to actually see everyday. So while I'm stuck at home all fucking week nursing this stupid foot and you're out with her, I hope you think of me...laying in bed, depressed, numbly staring at the tv, cause that's all I've got in front of me for the week. And I swear to fucking God if I can't go to NYC to take dance classes on my birthday cause my foot isn't healed, I'm not only going to deck you in the face when I see you, I won't stop hitting you until you make me.

Children.

I spent the day at the beach with my friend, Britteny (you can read her blog here) and her family, which consisted of her mom, sister, 2 nieces and her nephew. The girls are 4 and 6 I believe, and Lucas is 13 months. I would normally say that, "I hate children" or "Eww children", but I have to say that spending the day with them remind me both how annoying children are...and cute and I want my own. Uhh that one statement that makes my stomach flip. I want my own. Not adopted, my own. I've never had a job babysitting and all my younger cousins are either 2-6 years behind me or when they were a baby I was just starting 6th grade...maybe. So my exposure to children is limited...so imagine my surprise when I'm suddenly watching the girls boogie boarding and I'm worried that the water is going take them under. What? Later the girls are climbing around on the rocks at the beach and I'm think, "Gah if she's not careful she's gonna fall and hurt herself." Excuse me? Where did this motherly instinct come from? Why, when in high school I couldn't stand to be left alone in a room with a small child, am I wanting to hold Lucas? Why on God's green earth am I worrying every two seconds where the kids are and who is around them? They're not even mine! I guess I can no longer deny what I feel...about children...and the longing I have for a little one of my own. Of course I'm talking about when I'm at a point in both my career and life in which I can comfortably support a child.

I doubt I will ever tell my mother this until I meet a man who will commit to me in the sense that he wants to raise a family, my feelings on the subject of marriage are still iffy.

So while trying to get my tan on, since I'm so pale, I spent the day worrying. Not worrying over if my partner, whom I still can't decide to put ex, old, or nothing in front of, is gonna text me or what he's doing with the new girl...or if I've lost him to her already...Instead I'm worrying about children. Of course my mind then drifts to the subject of me actually being able to have one. I don't know if it's because I have so much time on my hands to think about my future or the fact that it is indeed in the front of my mind, but I am indeed worried that I won't be able to have children. And that thought terrifies me more than failing at my career or disappointing my parents. What if due to the HPV, I can't carry a child? As a woman, I lose an identifier. As a human, I feel like a failure. Nature, which I believe so strongly in, chooses to take that right away from me...nature which is so stable, steps aside to let chance take a turn at the game. Sometime over the last year with my partner, I found self worth in the realm of relationships, sex, and love...before then I had nothing. I use to doubt so strongly how anyone could find me attractive, until him. And even now at times I still doubt... so someone tell me how, if in the next 3 years it's discovered that the HPV has changed the cells in my uterus that I have to have treatment, and that said treatment leaves me scarred, am I supposed to have self worth with myself as a woman? I want a child, yet due to things beyond my control and one roll around in the sheets, I cannot have one? I can't describe the uneasy that creates inside me. So given my newly discovered strong motherly instincts, it's not surprising that the subject is on my mind. And thenthe thought, "what man could love me then?" follows closely behind.

Sometimes I truly hate thinking about things so much.