The sun sets & rises

Tomorrow is a new day, just as yesterday was. I've decided I must make an honest attempt at living my life. For weeks now all I've been doing is ponderng my life and clinging to memories of the past. "It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards." 'Tis true. If you live long enough in the past then you miss all of the future. Coming to terms with how I've shaped my life won't always be easy. I know now that when I truely care for someone, allowing myself to make reckless descisions isn't the best way to test my feelings for that person. I've got a lot to learn and a lot more mistakes to make. I can say the month I spent with him was not one of them, but wasting the last few weeks most certainly was. I know I'll miss him for a good part of the summer, and when I return to school in the fall, the campus will randomly remind me of him. I will not allow myself to be sad any longer. I will not allow myself to talk myself into giving up. I'm a fighter. I take risks. I took a risk on loving him and I took a risk on pushing it to the limit. I will continue to take risks as I enjoy my summer and start my senior year of college. He will not be the last person I love nor care about. I will not focus on the negatives of my life. I will embrace my mistakes and move forward. My last couple of entries clearly show my rollercoaster of emotions, but I'm not sorry for the way I feel. I write what I feel and right now I'm putting all that shit behind me and looking into the sunset waiting for the sun to rise on a new day. I will go to more auditions this summer. I will do more photoshoots. I will get my choreography into a Boston show. I will have the best summer that I can.

Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream
more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Gah, I'm so fucking over this shit. I don't understand you anymore. I don't understand my feelings for you anymore. Currently I just want to bitch you out, hit you, but at the same time I cry so much about you that I just want to cuddle into your arms. Clearly things in my life are fucked up. I was talking to my best friend about you. I was saying how I couldn't let myself spend my entire summer obsessing over you, when nothings going to happen. Her simple response, "I think you should find someone now." If only things were simmple. I won't lie, there's a part of me that hopes you could forgive me and be with me. But you're stubborn and you have some sort of moral issue with me. Clearly you don't have a big enough issue to spend a night with me, but mutliple nights not so much. Gah you make me so angry I want to cry or punch a wall. You never fucking answered my question last night...why? Why can't you fucking forgive me? Why can't you change your mind about me? Why the fuck am I someone who simply made a stupid mistake that seems to be the only fucking person suffering? They're fucking dating, blissful in their hate for me and you have this power over me and the way I feel about myself. Why? I fucking hate this. Stop telling me to be easy on myself and then tell me how much you care about me. You can't have it both ways. I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to lose my mind either. I really just don't know what to fucking do anymore. "This isn't a second chance." Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I want to hate you right now, but I can't. I fucking can't. You hold me up to moral ideas, but what about what the fuck you've done in the past. That doesn't count, right? Of course not, not even on the same level. Yeah, whatever. Everything's a grey matter. Today's just an angry day, when I want to give you up, but I know in several hours I go back to cuddling into your t-shirt and wishing you'd change your mind.

I'm getting this out of my system...

I miss the way you called me Sarah Jean. I miss how your beautiful brown eyes use to stare into mine when we layed in bed. I miss how you used to squeeze my hand. I miss the way your lips felt against mine when we kissed. I miss the way you used to bite me and make me laugh. I miss seeing you use your magic powers on your brother. I miss how we'd talk everyday. I miss when I knew my phone going off was you. I miss making plans with you. I miss when could just lay in bed and talk. I miss our late night talks. I miss hating the birds chirping in morning when we still hadn't gone to bed. I miss hanging out in your awkwardly shaped single in Houston watching movies. I miss being able to walk across campus to see you. I miss walking back to my room at 8 am, knowing waking up early was worth it to spend the night with you. I miss our skype sessions. I miss how you loved my body, even when I didn't. I miss how you called me beautiful. I miss how you'd tease me for my dislike of girly things. I miss you letting me be a girl with you. I miss you holding me when I cried. I miss seeing you almost everyday. I miss sleeping in the same bed as you. I miss the way you'd snore and I'd know you were asleep even though we'd been talking 5 minutes ago. I miss feeling your breath on my neck as I slept. I miss taking care of you. I miss being nervous at the idea of eating dinner with your parents. I miss watching Arrested Development with you. I miss you stroking my face. I miss making out with you. I miss the sex. I miss you allowing me to take things slow and helping me. I miss the idea of showering with you. I miss watching Are You Afraid of the Dark with you. I miss cuddling on the couch with you. I miss being able to let my hands wonder your body. I miss being at parties with you and knowing I'd be going home with you. I miss taking walks with you. I miss knowing it was okay to care about you as much as I do. I miss when I'd get jealous about you talking about all the other girls you'd ever been with. I miss wondering what they had that made you want to be with them before me. I miss having a reason to think that you were mine. I miss the smile I'd get saying your name. I miss waking up next you. I miss driving in the car while you sang Ke$ha's "Your Love is My Drug". I miss your encouragement that I'd do fine at an audition. I miss knowing it was okay if either of us cried at graduation. I miss being more concerned about you then what my friends thought. I miss being mad at you for stupid reasons. I miss you making fun of my Edward Cullen pillow. I miss you calling Hello Kitty, Hi Kitty. I miss you getting excited when Gaga would fall asleep on me. I miss that you didn't care my room was a complete mess the first time you saw it. I miss when you'd talk to me like an intellgent person. I miss hearing stories of your freshman year. I miss going through your box of memories. I miss meeting your best friend. I miss that you cuddled with me on your bed even though your friends were there. I miss you thinking me being drunk was funny. I miss when I'd call you a vagina and then admit in private that I didn't think you were. I miss talking about our interactions before we liked each other with new insight. I miss talking about you going to Smith. I miss thinking that you'd be visiting me in the fall at school. I miss the idea of living with you. I miss you helping me pack up my apartment. I miss our goodbye kisses, when we didn't know the next time we'd see each other. I miss being able to share inside jokes with you. I miss being able to text you when I couldn't text anyone I was with because it was about them. I miss learning new things about you. I miss you learning new things about me. I miss that you didn't care I had so many cats. I miss that you'd talk to me about my Grandfather. I miss that you shared yourself with me. I miss thinking of things to do on your birthday. I miss making you things, that I'd never actually end up giving you. I miss looking at coloring books and ragging on you, when I actually liked that you colored. I miss knowing that my most embrassing moments didn't scare you away. I miss being able to think about you without wanting to cry. I miss your trust in me. I miss you caring about me. I miss being yours. But most of all I miss you. I know I'll never have you again. I had my chance and I was an idiot. You tell me to be easy on myself and forgive myself. You say that I'm not a monster or a bad person, I just made a stupid choice. Well I miss being able to agree with you. I pass the days thinking about when I'll be able to talk to you and then scolding myself. I need to focus on something else. You're not mine anymore, I lost you. I lost your trust and faith in me. Its funny I was typing the previous sentence and accidentally wrote, "I love y-" freudian slip I guess.

I've walked miles in your shoes...

I've taken up walking in order to sort out my thoughts. I pretty much walk everyday. On average I walk a mile a day, yesterday I walked four. Sometimes I walk to the park and sit to think. I've passed anywhere from 3o minutes to an hour sitting there by myself. I've even taken up laying in Grant Filed staring at the night sky. Yet, still with all this time for thinking I find myself struggling to find answers. Most of the time I jsut find more questions. I'm getting sick of questions. I don't want to have to keep working out things for myself. Call me lazy, pathetic, or whatnot...I'm just tired of having to sort things out. And no I can't just let things happen. There a couple important things in my life I need to sort. I'm getting afraid that I'll never have the answers to the questions I've discovered. I've always wondered why certain people get tested the most, and as I used to tell a friend, "the strongest people are tested the most." Bullshit. I don't feel strong. I feel fucking lost. I feel like someone's dropped me out a plane in Montana with a map of Wymoing and said, "Find Texas." What the fuck? So many things in my life that I thought I had the answers for, just don't seem to fit anymore. Like where do you go to meet new people? A bar? An art exhibit? How long is too long to hang on to somebody? Is it really that unhealthly to just throw in the towel on relationships? When does being professional draw close to the line of losing myself? I'm so fucking lost. I'm lost like an American in China. I don't speak whatever language every other fucking adult speaks when it comes to this shit. There are only so many times I lay on Grant Field and stare at the sky and think, "How can such petty things keep me down, when there's a whole universe out there?" I don't know. I don't fucking know. I haven't felt like crying in a couple of days, but I have a feeling another breakdown is coming. If I could just figure out one bloody question, I might be able to ease off myself.

It's a John Mayer sort of day...

"So go and drift away from me, adopt some new philosphy that doesn't hold the two of us in mind. Move into someone else's place, stare into some other's eyes, but slowly only to come to realize...you didn't need another kind of green to know, I'm on the right side."

Today has been survive-able. After all the new students left I took a two and hlaf hour nap. Upon waking I was listening to some John Mayer, per usual, when it dawned on me...I relate to his music so much because I feel the things he does. It's scary that I can listen to entire album and know exactly what he was feeling when he wrote the song. I find myself longing for things I should no longer want. I want your arms around me. I want to lie in bed and not talk. I want

to feel your lips against mine again. I wantt entirely sure how I'm going to survive seeing you this weekend. Thinking about saturday sends my heart into overdrive, which I can only relate to the idea of a panic attack. Why should you give me a panic attack? And then I remember in the wise words of John Mayer,

"Maybe when things turn green again, it will be good to say you know me. It's taking so long, I could be wrong, I could be ready...but if I take my heart's advice, I should assume it's still unready, oh I'm never really ready...I'm in repairm I'm not together, but I'm getting there."

Questions, Questions, Questions,

I feel as if each bird is a question that's floated through my head today about you. Why won't give me a second chance? Why can't we be friends? Why does he get a second chance with her and I get nothing? Why do I feel like I'm the only one hurting? Can't I just fast forward time to when it no longer hurts?

I went for a walk today by the small park near my school. I sat on a bench for 45 minutes and cried twice. I never cry in public. Then again I've never been this hurt before. Part of me tries to convince myself that things are better this way; "you won't have to give up your dream of living in NYC cause he can't do cities." My other half's response to that... "You could always get an apartment near the NY border of CT and commute into NYC." That was the thing that sent me crying. I fucked up. I know I fucked up. Knowing this doesn't help me as much as I'd hoped it would. You know what's worse then the crying in the park...? Is coming back to my single room in the dorms and crying so hard for 15 minutes that my insides hurt. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't want to keep doing this. I want it to stop hurting. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I feel like part of me is missing. I wish everyone would leave me alone. As I'm writing this people are knocking on my door, clearly I'm not coming out if I don't answer after 2 solid minutes of knocking. I just want time alone to think, but then thinking just makes me more upset. And you texted me last night....told me not be walking around alone at night. My favorite part of the texts:

Him: You really miss me, don't you?
Me: Every second of every day.
Him: Sighh. Being at Dean isn't helpful?

WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT!?

I keep straddling between being so upset and fucking pissed that it's hard for me to keep calm. Right not I'm debating if it's plausible for me to sneak out of Ewen and go for a walk without people tracking me down. I just want to dissappear into the night.

Love Fades. And Dies.

I find it hard to describe the last week. My life has been a strange mix of soul searching, basketball games, and personal limits.

I recently betrayed someone I cared for very much, for hardly any reason at all. I essentially cheated on him, regardless what our official title was. It's petty for me to blame him for not giving us a title. It's not his fault. I made a stupid, mindless decision that was fueled purely by hormones. In retrospect, it is to date the worst mistake I've made. The issue of if I was a lying slut or truthful accomplice became an issue for the longest 15 hours of my life. I'm thankful that the involved party is working things out with his significant other. However, even though what I did was shitty, why does one party get a second chance and not the other? Why am I denied another chance? Supposedly I already had 3, I don't agree with that statement, but maybe that was our problem. As much as we cared for each other, ultimately we didn't agree on basic enough things, such as when our relationship started. Perhaps when I'm looking for someone to be with I should find someone who is willing to make mistakes with and work things out. I'm not saying he never allowed me to work things out on my own, he did. I don't have all the answers and I'm not perfect, I just need to find someone to stumble do the road with me.

Being back on campus to be trained as an orientation leader, has proved to be a difficult choice for me. Not only was I dealing with being characterized as the liar, but I was heartbroken and surrounded by people 24/7. It has been a strange transition. Trying to find alone time or escapes from my problems has proved to be awkward. With constant the questioning of "What's wrong?" and "Where are you going?" I've done my best to not snap people head's off. I may have talked about a little that's going on, but that doesn't mean I need a Mother watching over my every move. Luckily, the boys here have provided me with an easy escape: basketball. Not only have we been watching the playoffs, but we've been playing games. I like playing with the boys and I'm actually not that bad. Being physical on the court has allowed me to get a little of my frustrations out. My other outlet until yesterday was the book "Spirit Bound" by Rachel Mead. Great book, but oddly reflected all the issues I was dealing with. Two guys, cheating, danger, and conflict.

It's hard for me to write exactly how feel and this blog doesn't seem to quite express how I feel. Every night since I moved back into school, I've thought of phrases that described exactly how I feel, but upon waking forgot them. I must confess the realization that I'm actually alone now and no longer have that person in my life saddens me greatly. There have been times when all I've wanted is to be numb and alcohol seemed the best option, but alas I have not gone there. I'm making myself deal with the choice I made. I can't hide what I've done from myself. I did. It's over. There's no going back. I won't lie that every now and then I still hope that things will change, but the realist in me knows that I fucked the situation over. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I just feel lost. I feel like I'm wondering around the woods alone in the dark with only a matchbook. I pray that I soon find the path that leads me somewhere I can learn to live in.

Being back on campus is not the path I want however. Everything here reminds me of him. I found myself wondering around campus and in front of his old dorm. I'm stuffing folders and his face is on the advertisements. Stories that are shared somehow always relate back. Letting go has been hard enough as it is dealing with my guilt, but these constant reminders make it even harder. Perhaps I'll be able to stop missing him soon, until then I'll just have to take it day by day.

I'm Late, I'm Late for a Very Important Date...

"But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then..."




"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!"
-Alice