Vanilla Twilight

I want to lay on a blanket, cuddle up to a person, and look at stars like these. It seems I'm always working days at walmart, that I only ever get to see the stars. I wish the stars looked like these at my house. I want a night of star gazing.

Insatiable Desire

I've never understood my insatiable desire to change myself. I always want to change the way I look. Is it healthy of me or is it actually quite unhealthy? I'm obsessed with looking feminine. I never think that I look like a girl. Is this why I desire to have my long hair back? I don't feel beautiful with short hair because it makes me look unfeminine. I want my long hair back. I want to have colored hair again.

The pictures are of Audrey Kitching. I think she's beautiful and I love the way she dresses. Between her, Lady Gaga, and Kat Von D I've got a lot of female inspiration. And yet I feel inadequate in my feminine charm. I've always felt like this. I blame this for the suprise I have when a male finds me attractive. Ha.


I may act like I don't give a shit what general society thinks of me, cause I don't give a shit. When it comes to males though, let's just say I come up blank. Do I act tough like I do towards the rest of the world? Or do I act all shy and weak, like how I've been taught females act? I just don't get it. I don't. Why do I always feel like I have to reinvent myelf? Why do I always feel like I need to change my hair? I feel invaild in the person I am. In order for myself to feel attractive I feel I should be: blonde, petite, high pitch voice, super happy, and always dressed nice with hair and make up perfectly done. Hmm. Too bad I'm: brunette, tall, low pitch voice, realistic with feelings, and I dress depending on my mood. Why is it that I don't find myself attractive? Was it the constant images of uber girls, blonde movie stars, and extremely done up models that lead to this mentality?

I'm a 21 year old woman and yet I doubt my sex appeal. Get a drink or two in me and I instantly feel my inner sex kitten come out, unless it's been a bad day then it's "fuck the world" Sarah. Do I blame society for my lack of confidence in my feminine qualities or do I blame the environment I grew up in at home?

My mother has never really been one for dressing up or wearing make up. On the other hand I love wearing fake eyelashes, over the top make up, done up hair, and eye catching outfits. Then I ask myself why do I link femininity to self worth? Why on the days that I feel unworthy to have another person's love or be somone's other half, are also the days that I feel most unlike a girl? Clearly I didn't develop this mentality by just growing up in a normal childhood. Somewhere something must have gone awry. I'd like to know where this crink is in my mind so I can fucking fix it. I want to feel attractive and I want to feel worthy. Gahh. I want to be satisfied with who I am and how I look. Prehaps a self help book will do some good? I doubt it. However I am actively looking for a solution, but suggestions are welcomed.

I will be loved.

Alright. I'm thinking postive. I will be loved...because I love myself. I'm going to list 20 things I love about myself. Here we go:

1. I think outside the box.

2. My awesome curly hair.

3. My BEAUTIFUL green eyes.

4. My scuplted back.

5. How great I look in heels.

6. How I generally look good in anything.

7. My intellect.

8. That I enjoy reading.

9. That I'm in college as a dance major.

10. How I can come up with choreography.

11. That I'm content with just staring at the stars.

12. My fierce rocker chick look.

13. That I'm not afraid to travel.

14. My hips.

15. My thin physique.

16. How I can lead a group.

17. How I can let someone else take the reins.

18. My diy-ness.

19. My endless dreams.

20. How I never let anyone or anything keep me down.

I am important. I am worthy. I am vaulable. I am not a piece of meat. I am not a piece of ass. I am more than some people give me credit for. I am something to covet. As my roommate Jenny said to me earlier this week, "fact: sarah garceau is awesome and the boy who takes her off the playing field will be one VERY lucky boy." Fuck yeah.

Time Passes...

I'm afraid. Here's a list of things that I'm afraid of right now: failing. being alone. letting my parents down. not making it in the dance world. losing my friends. regretting things. feeling empty. moving on. my senior year. graduate school. moving away from home. screwing up another relationship. giving up on my dreams. allowing others to walk over me. losing my edginess. not being able to pay back my student loans. not getting into dance company, again. not getting my choreography in a show. being blamed for things out of my hands. letting people slip through my fingers. The list in my head just goes on and on. I have to accept the fact that I am in control of my life and choices. Time passes. It always keeps moving. Just because I think it's the end of the world, doesn't mean that it really is. Sure things may not be grand for a bit, but it can't always stay that way. I have to try to stay positive, even if t means leaving the negative things I love in the past. I only live once and I don't want to screw this up. I want to make a name for myself. I want to settle down with someone. I want to raise a little girl and teach her about the world. I want to grow old and watch my grandchildren graduate from high school. I want to live a long life worth living. I never want to settle or give up. I don't want to be afraid of the things that I am. I don't want to be another number, I want to be remembered.

Slipping through my fingers...

I find it harder and harder some days to let you go. I'm always wanting to text you. As soon as I get out of work I want to talk to you. At the end of everyday I want to know how your day was. I honestly don't want to let you go. I want you. I want you with every fiber of my being. I joked this weekend about Jenny setting me up with one of her guy friends. Her response back was, "Let's be honest, you don't want to really look at anyone else." Gahh. Then I was talking to Kristin today and she said, "When you know what you really want, things will get easier." No, no, no, no. I know I'm not gonna get over you until I find someone new, but I don't want to find someone new so, where the fuck does that leave me? I'd rather have you just as a frend in my life then to not have you in it at all. You've become such a part of my life that I wouldn't even know how to fill that part if you left. Brit says I make excuses for you, maybe she's right, maybe she's not. I'm about as lost in this fucking emotional tornado as I am with my options of Graduate school. I haven't met somone who can hold a conversation, my interest, or me like you can. Today is one of my sad reflective days. Maybe tomorrow will be happier.

To get an MFA or not to get an MFA?

I woke this morning with an aching in my body. I want it to be september so I can move back into school. I love learning and exploring my craft. I was attempting to help a friend find some volunteer job earlier this morning, when I decided to look at the admission's page for the graduate school he is looking at. Low and behold what do I find? His school offers a MFA in Dance. It got me thinking about graduate schools again. About a year ago I'd decided that when I went to grad school it be in London at the Laban school, but now I'm not so sure. I've now found three MFA programs that perk my interest: Smith, Sarah Lawrence, and Hollins. Hollins is high on my list since grad students work with the American Dance Festival and study abroad as part of the program, the only draw back is that it's in Virginia. Can I be so far from home? NYC is one thing, it's a mere 3 hour train ride back home, but Virginia? I want to move to NYC to be in the heart of the dance world, but now I wonder if LA would be just as good for me. Should I just jump into a graduate program or should I experience the real world for a bit first? I'm lost at my options. As silly as this sounds, if I keep my Walmart job over the next year and I get into a graduate program in another state, I can transfer to a Walmart down there and have a job already when I move. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I feel completely lost. I know I have a little less than a year to figure out what the fuck to do with my life...but things make me question my choices: can I really move across country?; can I survive in a place that I know no one?; can I leave all my friends behind?; will it kill a part of me to start over somewhere new? I wish I had some of these answers. I wish when the time comes I won't have to move alone, I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid to be alone. What if I'm always alone in this new place? What if I fail? Failing would be the death of me...

My 21st Birthday

My first legal alcoholic drink. =] I had one of the best birthdays I've had in a while and it was surprisingly simple for a 21st. The stroke of midnight on the 14th of July I received a text from my favorite Ginger in the whole world. Her awesome text was followed by mind blowing sex. I must say I cannot recall a time where I couldn't form a sentence like I couldn't then. The sensation of my wits vacating my mind like that is oddly liberating and pleasureable. I must repeat the experience more often since I throughly enjoyed it. After a rather peaceful and refreshing sleep, we hopped in the shower. I shall admit the idea of being this completely open and vunerable (as much as a shower can be) with the other person was a bit nerve racking. There's something oddly intimate for me about actually showering with another person and I'm not talking about sex in the shower. I literally mean showering with another person. Body and hair washing were taking place. It was pleasant to allow myself to be taken care of since I hardly let my guard down. Overall it was an experience I wouldn't mind repeating with the right person. After the shower we went back to laying in bed and watched a television show called In Treatment. The show is rather intelligent and interesting in the way a car accident is. My only interest in watching the show besides the fact that my partner enjoys it, is that I want to see how the patients on the show tear apart their lives in therapy. My partner then suggested that we see Twilight Saga's Eclipse, since I had yet to see it. I agreed of course and off we then went to see Eclipse. I knew he wouldn't enjoy the movie at all, but it was amusing to think that he was seeing just because I wanted to. He survived the the two hours and we then found ourselves at dinner. We ventured to the Texas Roadhouse, which made me miss the actual state of Texas and the San Antonio Riverwalk. It's funny that the only two times I've been out to dinner with just him, we seem to run into someone that he knows working at the resturant. Of course I immediately feel out of place. I wonder if I'll ever get over that sensation, I fear I never will. I order my first drink and got carded. It was liberating knowing that when I handed over my ID I didn't have to worry about it being rejected. The drive home was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I was definitely buzzed singing the music on the radio was we drove down the highway. And then we ended the day with the same way we started it. A simple enough 21st and yet the most rewarding in my eyes. The only part of the night that I wished hadn't happened the way it did was when I finally uttered the phrase that's been plaguing my thoughts. I cannot tell you how many times in the last 3 weeks I've wanted to confess them. However, I just always felt that in bed was probably the worst place to say them. I did it though. I said, "I love you." As much as I'd like to tell myself that its a useless emotion, its not. Loving a person allows you to learn how to open yourself to the world. In the context of my partner, the feeling plays little in our relationship. We allow ourselves to take from each other what we need and desire. I desire the physical intimacy and the emotional bonding he gives me. What I give him, only he can speak for. I realize people may disagree with my laidback view of giving myself away...to be frank, I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of trying to live by other people's definitions of love, relationships, and social interactions. Life is a journey of struggles and experieces. This is what I want to experience. This is what I want right now. When I no longer want this lifestyle or decide to become more conservative then I will listen to some of the people in my life. And I don't know how this blog started off as one detailing my 21st birthday and is ending this "fuck you" note to some people, but alas I can never seem to control my stream of consciousness.

The Birds & The Bees.

So I don't think I can ever remember my mother having the sex talk with me, nor talking to me about it in general. Sex was never really discussed in my family. My brother having sex, yes and even joked about; my parents having sex, joked about; the reality of me having sex....yeah where the fuck was the conversation? Don't get me wrong I'm happy in all that I got to skip the awkward sex talk, but um there a couple things that would have nice to be informed upon by the female role model of my life. Such things as what's an orgasm like? What's female masturbation? What's wrong if I don't get wet? And etc. would have been nice. Granted I know some of these answers now, but I wish my only main resources hadn't been friends, porn, and the internet. To this day I still struggle to figure out if I've actually orgasmed from intercourse. There are times I know for sure and others I'm not so quite sure. Learning how to give a blowjob and what doggy style is from the internet is fine, but how I'd feel after my first time would have been a nice insight from my mother. Overall I feel a little frustrated that I've had to self teach myself on all lessons of sex and love. Even now I wonder if my mother knows I'm not a virgin. How do I even bring up that topic? I'm soon to be 21 and yet my mother has never asked me a single question about my sex life. In high school I''d tell her stories about my friends and then I'd reassure her that I was still a virgin and that she didn't have to worry about things like that from me. It's now been three years since I left high school and she's never asked me: Who was my first kiss? Did I like it? Who was the first boy I ever really had a thing with? Do I practise safe sex? Maybe she assumes that if I wanted to talk about these things I'd bring them up, but I don't know how. I just don't know who to talk to about this shit anymore. My brother probably doesn't want to hear about his little sister having sex. His girlfriend is a little reserved and I don't know if she feels comfortable enough to talk about with me. Several of my best friends are virgins, for various personal reasons, so what experience do they have? My other best friend doesn't really want to hear the details of my sex life with my current partner since she's been friends with him for a couple years now. I'm not really gonna talk about certain things with my partner since he's a male and I need a female's pov/someone who's not fucking me. So who does that leave?

I could use a little rain....

I wish it rain like this so that I could dance outside right now. I want to feel the water course down my skin and my clothes sticking to my body. I want to be free.

I want to create a Home.

So I want to have my own apartment or house so I can do things like this. I want to have dinner parties. I want to play hostess. Gahh I never thought I'd actually ever admit this...the idea of being a homemaker, but still having a career, is something I really want. I want to create an entire dinner menu, table settings, and such for a group of friends. I want to entertain people in my own space, but I think I'd want my significant other to be there to help. Gahh I have such desires that people wouldn't suspect me to have. I guess the cats out of the bag, I'm girly deep down and want what every little girl dreams about.

Jump.

I have this idea in my head & I want it so bad. It scares me. I feel like this idea is almost the same as jumping off a cliff...until my feet actually leave the ground, I'm going to be terrified, but once my feet do I'll be grateful. Here's to hoping that when I land its not on the rocks.

Nothing to do, no where to be.

I've decided that nothing in my life will replace the feeling of this. Just laying in bed cuddling. I don't know why I never want to get out of bed when I wake up next to you. Nor do I know why I can't keep my hands off of you. You're like an addiction. A good one. I like knowing that when I wake you're right next to me. Driving back today was a touch drive, not only because of the distance and time of day, but cause I don't know when the next time I'll have you in my bed is. I have a lot of feeling swirling around my brain right now about last night. I fear if I voice them, in a couple more hours, I won't have a reason to feel them. So I'm going to keep riding the high I have from last night/this morning and hope its enough to get me through the next couple of days.