Missing Piece of Me

So I wrote this last week on my iPhone, I know, but am now just getting around to posting. Sorry I've been so MIA, promise I'll post something that makes up for it, soon.

I find myself at night laying in bed with my arms out stretched like I'm reaching for something that isn't there anymore. And it feels like there's a part of me missing. And I hate that I feel that way. 'It was only I year' I tell myself. It's been three months, just fucking get over it. And then I think of what it is that I think I'm missing. The feel of his warm skin under my cool one? His deep breathes in the silent night? The feeling that when I wake up I know it'll be to his smiling face?

And so then I think of the time passed with him. The nights we'd lay in bed and I couldn't help but doubt that I wasn't the only one that laid in his arms, about what other girls he was possibly talking to. But then I'd take a deep breath and think, 'this isn't me. I trust him, it's just gotta be the nature of our arrangement.' it was true, part of me was always searching for the one thing that allowed him to be mine...a title, an idea, a concept. I knew what I wanted, I just didn't have it at the time. So I continued with my life, school work and rehearsals, all the while trying to map out my future and trying to figure out where he fit in. So I checked his state for dance companies to see if I could make my dream plausible for us. It wouldn't be any easier then Boston, but there was at least a dance scene. But I had to be rational, it's not like we were dating and although I loved him and only ever wanted that feeling returned, I knew it was crazy to think this way. So I buried those thoughts deep inside like a dark secret, its not like he was suddenly going to love me one day . And then that day came and like the glittering flame of a birthday candle, it was there one second and gone the next. His love. The tiny amount of claim that I held over him.

So I lay in bed, what? Missing...him? Is that why my arms are stretched out? No, I don't think it is. For, though it's taken me almost three months to understand, I don't miss that person that decided on a whim one day to finally utter the words I'd desperately waited a year for them to say. The words that were the response to the words of my tattoo, written in a language he knew how to speak. It was always there in front of him, the thing that I so ardently needed. And for the moment to come and just fizzle out? I use to think it was that, that scared him away and into the arms of another woman. So I'd blame myself, I mean I'd hurt him so bad in the past, why wouldn't it surprise me that the moment he finally admitted his true feelings for me, that he'd run as fast and far away as he could from the one person who could and had hurt him.

So again I ask myself why is it then that I'm not missing him?...to be honest I miss the man he was in the late hours of the night when we'd lay in bed together. There's no mask, no hiding who are, when you're in that moment. So if not him I miss then what? That honest moment? That's what I miss. The ability to have that moment when you're laying in bed, and you can't hide who you are anymore. You muscles relax until your bones sink into your mattress and your mind travels through all the ideas, memories, and feelings that you refused to face during the day. The moment when you can just cry knowing that the other person isnt going anywhere. The moment when you can just stare into a person's soul. The moment when there's no need for words and a simple quiver of your lip or wrinkle of your brow tells the person you're laying next to what exactly is on your mind.


So I lay with my arms outstretched, to remind myself that there was a time when those honest moments truly existed and when my hands finally touch something, those moments will be back.


Someday.

It has been a strange week.

Oh, it has been strange. The last 7 days that is. Let's start off with last tuesday...I went to the doctor for a check up of my HPV. Everything seems fine, but I don't think the test results have come in yet. They said they'd call if I need treatment or to come in. No call yet. Then I went to teach the summer hip hop class I'd been teaching and taught my first modern class that night. Wednesday....for the life of me it's escaping me what I did. Hmm. Thursday I had an interview with this awesome dance studio, that unfortunately the only day they are looking for is a day I'm already teaching. So, boo, but they let me teach 2 master classes tonight. Friday I ran errands and then spent a good portion of the day with Alex and some other friends from my school. It was nice to just hang out, laugh, crack jokes. I've missed some of these people. Then I rehearsed Saturday and Sunday for a piece I'll be performing in Martha's Vineyard Thursday and Friday this week. President Obama will be on the island then, I kinda hope I see him! But the piece is part of the hip hop piece I did for the last dance show at Dean choreographed by Kelly Peters. Yesterday [Monday] I spent ALL day looking up DIY/crafting things and attempting a few. I can't wait to post pictures when I'm completely done with a few of them. Then today, I taught the 2 master classes. I can't describe with words the joy that I get from watching students doing my choreography. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life outside of some form of choreographing.

So how could this week have been strange you may ask? I've been happy and feeling complete. I will admit I might have cried like 3 times this week, I'm a girl in my defence. But being just me, dancing.teaching, not worrying about certain people, and being single. I haven't been on a third date with the guy from before...yet. He wants to hang out, he's texted me twice this week about it. I just don't understand how a week ago I told him I'd be busy for the next three weekends and he didn't even ask a single question about what I was doing...Something about him just seems off to me. How could you really want to spend time with me, when you don't really know much about me? I assume he finds me attractive and thats the driving force behind he's need to see me. I cannot and will not be in another relationship where I am used for my body when I don't have a real connection with a person. It worries me that I have no desire to actually hang out with him, I thought at first it was me clinging to my ex....ehh no he just doesn't interest me. He has no interests. In the 6-8 hours I've spent with him, I haven't heard him talk about one thing at all that seems to interest him. Wtf. Even my ex had interests, fuck Scott had interests...how can he not? The only thing I can say he does like is the beach, and that is a place...c'mon really?

In a complete side note my ex facebook chatted me tonight. I was actuall suprised to see the chat window popped up, it felt like I had my best friend back for a little bit. He told me about the new things in his life, not too much stuff. He asked if anything exciting was going on in mine, I said performing in Martha's Vineyard...and that's all we really talked about in regards to me. There are so many things I want to talk to him about that are happening in my life, discuss politics with him. Sadly I conversation was too short for me. I'm supposed to be going to a party for his best friend [my freind too] this weekend...I'm sure I'll see him there, but I'm sure he'll probably bring his girlfriend though too. I don't know if I can really have an honest conversation with him, if she's gonna be attached to his side the entire time. I want my best friend back. I want to be able to talk politics. I want to be able to talk about things going on with my life, that he understood so well. I want to be challenged in a conversation as I was only with him. I miss my best friend, I get over not being his lover anymore, I can't lose my best friend...It seems I've lost or are losing other people in my life as it is...

And I guess the thing that makes this week the strangest is, that besides the fact that I felt happy and whole, I've been having a really hard time sleeping at night. I just run over and over things in my mind. Its starting to worry me. There's so much going on in my head and I'm not saying a lot of it because it family worries, money worries, life worries. Its not all worries, some of it is me planning out combos for class or wondering what the party this weekend will be like. I just want to be able to sleep through the whole night. I can't remember a night within the last 7 days that I've fallen sleep and stayed asleep. Maybe tonight I'll be able to.

Just blah.

I haven't felt very grounded since my last post, except when I was taking my hikes in the woods by these large lakes near my house. My life is at the moment a little uneasy with tensions between a few my friends and me, family issues arising, setbacks in meeting my goals in order to move to New York City within the year, and soul searching questions that have made me question what I really want. I must confess for the amount I am an honest and open on this blog, I am also vague and guarded. There are a handful of things in my life that I haven't written about in its entirity or at all due to my unease with the subjects, but I'm reaching the point where it seems the more I just try to keep things to myself and shutout everyone from these things, the more upset some people get with me. My blog has never been written for anyone other than me, so it has never been my intention to upset people with my posts, but I feel I must stand my ground on certain matters...such as, if I wish to vaguely write about something on this blog, but do not talk about it in person, there's a good reason. I probably don't have the courage to actually form the words to speak, unlike the ease that comes with writing them. Also anyone who's known me offline for long enough know that the summers between school, including high school, has been a time for me when I tend to shut everyone out in order to have me time...however this year due to the semi permanment nature of this summer stretching into the rest of my life, I have hung out with people that are close by to fight off the loneliness from moving back into my house, my uneasy break up with my ex, and the questioning that I assume that comes with finishing college and moving onto the next step. I am my own person and process and deal with things in different ways then others, I'm not going to keep apologizing for being me. If anyone even cares why I truely haven't been talking to lot of people here are the reasons: I didn't want to talk about my break up and how it made me feel to certain people, to be honest I think I've really only talked to like 2 people about it. Also, I've been spending an insane amount of time with Alex, since due to her horrible car accident cannot leave the house and she lives only ten minutes from me. Her house not only doesn't get good cell service, but due to her being crippled, as she says, and the amount of people that come to visit her in waves, my attention is consumed for hours by her and/or her vistors. Then when I'm not teaching or at Alex's...I'm in my room working on some projects, dealing with problems, or actually attempting to get out of the house and have a good time. I spend enough with Alex and dealing with family shit, that it could be a full time job...and yet I don't complain about any of it, because that's not who I am. I love spending time with Alex and the family stuff is so up and down that its hard to decribe my feelings about it. In regards to the family stuff...I have a sick/possibly dying family member; worries about my father being laid off come fall/winter due to no work with his company; my brother getting his licsence back, so that come sept I don't have him to drive to and from work every day so that I can actually get a day job; things in the house breaking, like the well and how we didn't have water for a full week; my own health issues; my father's health, since his job pays most of the bills; my parents getting a divorce, since my mom has told me she's threatened my dad with it if he doesn't do some things around the house, which makes me hope that she's joking, but still I worry; my extended family's continued silence to not only my family but the rest of dad's side; the health of my aunt; paying back student loans...There's a lot of shit of my own to deal with, on top of being upset about the break up; dealing with the fact that my best friend is now my ex and therefor makes our relationship more complicated; seeing all the shit that Alex's is going through and wondering how can I complain when I'm able to walk, drive and leave the house... So sorry if I don't feel like talking about everything and all of this to people.

Yes 3rd post of the day...

I don't why I keep posting so much today, prehaps its because my mind hasn't stop buzzing since I woke up this morning. My life is changing so much. I see so many doors opening for me in places I don't think to look before...or doors I thought I had lost the key to are suddenly unlocked and opening. My life doesn't feel as negative as it has in the past couple weeks. I'm not saying there aren't those moments when I just want to cease to exist, oh there are, but I find more and more reasons to push forward. Tomorrow, I have an interview with a dance studio in Westborough, that's about an hour away from me. Wednesday, I have an interview with a dance studio in North Attleboro. Of course Tuesday and Thursday night I'm teaching. And Friday I have been invited to a party. Hell fucking yeah this week seems good. I will be shopping tomorrow and hanging with Alex when I'm not interviewing or teaching. I should be seeing Kristin, also later in the week. Going to be a great week. I bought a new bookcase at Ikea yesterday, so once I've built it [haha] I'll post my photos of it and while I'm at it...Starting tomorrow, push ups and core exercising in preparation for my friend's party in three weeks. I will have an even killer body for it. I've already started getting my tan on, so I look healthy and not deathly. I'm gonna buy a bomb outfit for it and if the stars are lined up for me, I might have a guest to bring with me. That part is extremely up in the air, but a girl can hope. Look out world, something inside of me is clawing to get out and I think I'm finally ready to let it.

Trash.

I keep finding your shit everywhere...random photos on my latop, folder in my favorites bar of your clothes, some little thing in my room that has some connection with you. Gah. I should probably start deleting you from my life. Make a folder on my computer and shove all the files that I can't seem to make myself delete and store you in there. You'd think in typical girl fashion I would have burned all photos of us [all five of them], burned the clothes you got me for christmas, throw out the necklace you got me then too, deleted video files so I couldn't watch them anymore...and yet I haven't. I've kept a cool head about me...minus the random "fuck you"s that slip out when I'm drinking or pissed. I can't rationalize getting rid of the gifts because I like them and they're mine, not yours...I can't rationalize burning the photos because it was a time of my life, however I may burn those picture frames I made for us...and to be completely honest I forgot about half the things on my laptop that are from you. You were my best friend and my lover. And I'd thought you'd still be my best friend...but I'm thinking the jury's still out on that one...

Still hurting

It still takes me by shock when I start to cry. I see a picture, hear a song, a movie comes on...I am trying to hard not to hurt anymore and you seem to feel nothing. You've replaced me with her. I was trying to replace you with my long walks and fitness, but this week I haven't been able to escape to that. And yet still it hurts. I hurt. My heart hurts. I cry at random times driving and stop. I watch a romantic movie and they kiss, I cry. Kesha's "Your Love is My Drug" pops up on my iPod, I have to change it before I start to cry. I want to stop crying. I want to stop hurting. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this pain and I don't want it anymore.

Breathe. Just Breathe.

Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. The feelings are so strong, that I can't fight back the tears. And they fall until I can't breathe. Then comes the hiccup for air that my lungs so deseperately need, but can't get. And then the process just cycles until my nose is running, my eyes are red, my cheeks are wet and it feels like the quivering of my body won't stop til I cease to exist. It's always me. Always. I'm the one always "falling apart"...never you. Am I crazy? Am I too attached? Why does everything I feel have to be so extreme? Do I blame the life of an arist or the way my personality is made?

I can curl into my body pillow and squeeze it, to try and stop the tears, but it never seems to help. And I hate that I do this, that I get upset like this. I don't even know why I'm choking out every stupid breath I have. I'd give every fucking breath I have right now to make this stop. I feel like a china plate that someone dropped on the kitchen floor, a weak, shattered replica of something great. When I was kid and I was crying like this, I'd cry so loud, that my mom would come in to check on me. I know that's what I'm craving right now. Comfort. A warm embrace and some kind words. But friends aren't answering phones and friends have lives that don't involve me anymore. And I am far too old to cry for my mother...So what am I to do?

Wait for the tears to dry and my breathing to return to normal...wait for me to let this tidalwave of emotions run over me. Admit that it still hurts even if I thought that it didn't anymore.Admit that I always thought things would just fucking work out for me regardless of my short comings and mistakes. I thought that maybe I'd get to be the happy one for awhile. That I can finally relax into my life instead of always waiting for the floor to give out under me. And I can keep pretending tthat everything's okay during the day like I'm some Zombie...even though once the sun goes down, time slows down to a crawling halt. The nights are still hard for all the reasons that I struggle to push on through the day. I have issues living at home. I have issues with you. I have issues with my friends that seem to not care if I exist anymore. I have issues that people are already bailing on birthday even though it's two weeks away. I have issues that I feel like nothing is within my control right now and I'm everyone else's fucking pawn. I wanted to scream at you, "How can you not care? Why is that it seems I'm always the one hurt or upset?" But I know that's just me lashing out acting irrational. And I want to scream, "FUCK YOU!" To all the people who are supposed to be my friends. Nothing is alright and nothing is okay and nothing is going  to plan. But I just have to remember to breathe. Just breathe.

Alive again...

I have been utterly horrible at writing here. What excuse can I use? Senior was so hetic, I never had time, I just didn't feel like it, blah blah blah... Well I've got shit for excuse. What can I say of my life and my thoughts of the last 5 to 6 months? I feel that filtering through all the thoughts, memories, and experiences of the last months will not only be an emotional overloaded, a jumble of thoughts, but also a non contextual look at my life. It is extremely difficult to justify the feelings I had without then explaining the situation, but then that too needs to be given background context. I must say that, that is too much for me to emotional handle right now. I had my ups and I had my downs. I graduated college and I left friends behind. I had dreams grow and dreams falter. It seems these days that I find myself in a crossroad more unusual then most recent college grads. Besides the normal, transition back into my childhood home under my parents rules, accepting that my friends are no longer a couple rooms down the hall, and the "what the fuck am I doing with my life" mindset, it seems I have other things to overcome. I'm in a transitional phase from lover to best friend, coming to terms with picking up my life to actually move to NYC, and the "my life is not shit, my life is shit" mindset. My mood seems to change as quickly as my thoughts do about my life, which change as often as my mood does. It's a nasty cycle and seeing these days that only time I leave my room more or less my house is to drive my brother to work everyday, it cycles through and through and through. I've taken to redesigning my entire room in order to create a different vibe in it and to always keep my sanity. I've also been contemplating writing stories again, you know force myself to write like a page or 2 a day. I feel obilgated to say that I'm not sorry how my life has turned out, I think its heading in the right direction. I also feel obligated to say that regardless of how things may turn out in the next couple of days or weeks, the tears I may shed and the angry posts I may write....that the last year has been one of the most eye opening, soul finding, spiritual awakening, and loving year I've had in all 21 years of my life. I am thankful for every moment, even the heart wrenching moments when it seemed the tears would never dry and time would never tick forward. I have loved and been loved in return. I have grown and shrank. Simply put the last year has been the year of me. A year of things I wanted and a year of experiences I earned. A year of dates, fights, late night talks, hysterical phone calls, alcohol induced confessions, laughter, and press of another's body.

I'll hug Hi Kitty...

It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. My life has been a hetic mess. And at this moment I'm feeling very sad. It's hard for me to admit this, but I didn't exactly realize how muched I missed someone until I spent the weekend with them. It was only when I got home I realized how alone I feel here. I know I will see them sometime soon again, but I can't shake this feeling. Being home in general makes sad, depressed. Ever since I've started school. Is it because I don't feel like I belong here anymore? Or is it that everyone I love and care about it so far away from me, spread out across the country? I use to think it was the clutter of the house that made me so upset and hate living here, but now I'm starting to think it's because there are other places I'd rather be then here. Or maybe because I didn't return to work this break, I've spent too much time in my room alone.....thinking. Lord knows I'm my own worst enemy when I have too much isolatred time to myself. All I can think right now is that, "I'm never gonna see everyone again." I know it's not true though. Tomorrow I'll see Britt at the gym, and hopefully I'll be seeing Kristin today or even sometime this week. I have no reason to be crying. I had a wonderful weekend with a person that means a lot to me, I live in a nice house, I'm enrolled in college, I have friends. But why do I feel so alone? I can't hold back the tears anymore. I thought last night when I cried before falling asleep, that that would be the end of this feeling, clearly I was wrong. Maybe the problem is, that in my room at my house I have no memories of my closests friends. In this world of my room, they don't exist because they've never been here. Could that be it? Or could this overwhelming feeling just be a reaction to my horomones acting up? I guess the issue right now is that I miss everyone and no matter how hard I cry that isn't going to change anything. I will see people soon, it's not the end of the world....it won't be the end of the world. I'll surivive even if I find that hard to believe right now.

The simple things...

In my quest to enjoy life more while I'm young and getting into the mindset of living every day of my senior year of college, I've been cherishing and savoring the little moments.

Enjoying the body heat of another person. The feel of someone's breath falling and rising against my body. The tangle of arms, allowing one's self to forget the boundaries of their own body and anothers. Leaving the person and hours later their scent still lingers on your skin and clothes. Feeling the absence of another. Laying in a room of friends and knowing that these are times I'll remember forever. Being woken up by laughing friends. That first good morning kiss, when you know you're just happy to wake up next to the person. Falling asleep while listening to someone's breathing. The early morning silence of being the first awake. The confession of overheard sleep mumblings. The realization that even in your sleep you can't hide your true feelings. The teasing meant only to get a rise out of someone. Listening to your friends debate topics you know nothing about. Being embrassed by the retelling of embrassing moments of the night before. The kiss that lingers on your lips even after you've said goodbye. I truely cherish these moments for they are the pieces that make a life.