I uh miss uh you

So even though I was the one that left you...
because I wanted a relationship with you...
and you didn't want one with me...
because you like her better...
I still miss you, so much...
and the days were going okay,
because I had my anger...
and then that went away,
and you weren't on my mind as much...
and then yesterday was my birthday...
and I couldn't help, but think of you...
because last year I spent it with you...
you gave me my card at midnight,
made love to me and held me tight,
took me on a date that night to see Twilight,
and then held me until I feel asleep that night...
and so yesterday, I cried, hard, for you...
because it still hurts,
because I still love you,
because I miss you.
I don't want to miss you anymore...
I want to carry on with my life the way you carry on with yours,
by not thinking of me and spending time with someone else...
because let's be honest, I was always crying over you,
because I always knew that I was saying goodbye to you,
because you were never mine to begin with...

9 days

It has been 9 days. You'd think I'd have stopped counting after four. Nope. In the grand scheme of my life this is hardly anything, but every time I have been driving or riding in a car...my mind has wondered to this. I'm getting tired of thinking about this. Clearly it's over and even if it's not...maybe it should be. Maybe this has gone on for too long. A year is a very long time, and even though I'd love to talk to you about this, I'm not sure I'm at the rational thought stage. In the car my ideas and thoughts make sense, but the second I'm out of the car I doubt what I've been thinking. So maybe I need a little more time to just myself, even if it is a similiar sensation to having a cat scratch on a sunburn. You don't really remember it hurts until you hit it again. And I'm just not sure I'm ready to really hit this burn yet. I am not over analysising this or looking too deep into 9 days. I'm just reflecting on the times that have passed and making some choices about my future. I wish I knew what was going on with you, but then again probably not. I don't need to know the details about her until I'm a hundred percent sure I even want to meet her...at your birthday party in 2 weeks. Sigh. There is a very strong part of me that wants to get my new hair cut & color before your party, so I can look like hot shit in front of her. And then I remember that no matter what I wear or how I look at your party that will not change how you currently feel about her and how you use to feel about me. Sometimes we just have to learn to adjust when life stops going in a direction we like. I liked being with you. You now like being with her. And I'm not a hundred percent sure I want to go back to our arrangement, this break has got me thinking that I might want it all or none at all. Although that thought scares the shit out of me, I have to at least acknowledge this thought. I guess I just need more time to process. It seems all I'm doing these days is processing my choices, processing my past, and processing my future. It seems that I've finally left the wonder and amazement of childhood behind and jumped head first into adulthood. Yay me.

I'll hug Hi Kitty...

It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. My life has been a hetic mess. And at this moment I'm feeling very sad. It's hard for me to admit this, but I didn't exactly realize how muched I missed someone until I spent the weekend with them. It was only when I got home I realized how alone I feel here. I know I will see them sometime soon again, but I can't shake this feeling. Being home in general makes sad, depressed. Ever since I've started school. Is it because I don't feel like I belong here anymore? Or is it that everyone I love and care about it so far away from me, spread out across the country? I use to think it was the clutter of the house that made me so upset and hate living here, but now I'm starting to think it's because there are other places I'd rather be then here. Or maybe because I didn't return to work this break, I've spent too much time in my room alone.....thinking. Lord knows I'm my own worst enemy when I have too much isolatred time to myself. All I can think right now is that, "I'm never gonna see everyone again." I know it's not true though. Tomorrow I'll see Britt at the gym, and hopefully I'll be seeing Kristin today or even sometime this week. I have no reason to be crying. I had a wonderful weekend with a person that means a lot to me, I live in a nice house, I'm enrolled in college, I have friends. But why do I feel so alone? I can't hold back the tears anymore. I thought last night when I cried before falling asleep, that that would be the end of this feeling, clearly I was wrong. Maybe the problem is, that in my room at my house I have no memories of my closests friends. In this world of my room, they don't exist because they've never been here. Could that be it? Or could this overwhelming feeling just be a reaction to my horomones acting up? I guess the issue right now is that I miss everyone and no matter how hard I cry that isn't going to change anything. I will see people soon, it's not the end of the world....it won't be the end of the world. I'll surivive even if I find that hard to believe right now.

Like we never missed a day.

I have every reason to trust you and I do. I trust you with my heart, body, and soul. Then, why, I ask myself am I feeling the ever so small drop of doubt. I understand I have no right to know everything about your life anymore, I forfeited that right a long time ago. I won't lie though. It hurts. I don't know if it hurts me more that you didn't tell me who you were seeing, until I asked repeatedly or because you didn't tell me until you'd gotten back. Sigh. And I know the only reason I'm upset right now is because you're gone and I'm sitting in my condo waiting for your text to tell me you're safely home. Give me an hour to collect myself and I'll go back to living my life. That doesn't mean I'm moping, I'm just pondering things that could have been. This morning getting ready in the bathroom with you felt so natural, it makes me miss the idea I used to have of us living together. Sigh. I love you and I never get tired of saying it. I just wish that was enough. Bahhumbug. I need a nap and a clear head.

Personal Ad.

So zoning out at work I pieced together a personal ad.

Seeking intellectual individual, preferably male, 5'8" or taller, who enjoys reading books and watching films. Ability to hold a meaningful conversation, strongly preferred. Must be able to accept that I like vampires, classic Nintendo games, rock music, tattoos, and high heels. Sex skills required and will not be compromised. Interests in comics, video games, horror movies, and European culture, gladly accepted. Also, speaking a foreign language/sarcasm is a plus.

Sigh...know anyone who is single and fits this, send 'em my way.

Slipping through my fingers...

I find it harder and harder some days to let you go. I'm always wanting to text you. As soon as I get out of work I want to talk to you. At the end of everyday I want to know how your day was. I honestly don't want to let you go. I want you. I want you with every fiber of my being. I joked this weekend about Jenny setting me up with one of her guy friends. Her response back was, "Let's be honest, you don't want to really look at anyone else." Gahh. Then I was talking to Kristin today and she said, "When you know what you really want, things will get easier." No, no, no, no. I know I'm not gonna get over you until I find someone new, but I don't want to find someone new so, where the fuck does that leave me? I'd rather have you just as a frend in my life then to not have you in it at all. You've become such a part of my life that I wouldn't even know how to fill that part if you left. Brit says I make excuses for you, maybe she's right, maybe she's not. I'm about as lost in this fucking emotional tornado as I am with my options of Graduate school. I haven't met somone who can hold a conversation, my interest, or me like you can. Today is one of my sad reflective days. Maybe tomorrow will be happier.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Gah, I'm so fucking over this shit. I don't understand you anymore. I don't understand my feelings for you anymore. Currently I just want to bitch you out, hit you, but at the same time I cry so much about you that I just want to cuddle into your arms. Clearly things in my life are fucked up. I was talking to my best friend about you. I was saying how I couldn't let myself spend my entire summer obsessing over you, when nothings going to happen. Her simple response, "I think you should find someone now." If only things were simmple. I won't lie, there's a part of me that hopes you could forgive me and be with me. But you're stubborn and you have some sort of moral issue with me. Clearly you don't have a big enough issue to spend a night with me, but mutliple nights not so much. Gah you make me so angry I want to cry or punch a wall. You never fucking answered my question last night...why? Why can't you fucking forgive me? Why can't you change your mind about me? Why the fuck am I someone who simply made a stupid mistake that seems to be the only fucking person suffering? They're fucking dating, blissful in their hate for me and you have this power over me and the way I feel about myself. Why? I fucking hate this. Stop telling me to be easy on myself and then tell me how much you care about me. You can't have it both ways. I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to lose my mind either. I really just don't know what to fucking do anymore. "This isn't a second chance." Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I want to hate you right now, but I can't. I fucking can't. You hold me up to moral ideas, but what about what the fuck you've done in the past. That doesn't count, right? Of course not, not even on the same level. Yeah, whatever. Everything's a grey matter. Today's just an angry day, when I want to give you up, but I know in several hours I go back to cuddling into your t-shirt and wishing you'd change your mind.

I'm getting this out of my system...

I miss the way you called me Sarah Jean. I miss how your beautiful brown eyes use to stare into mine when we layed in bed. I miss how you used to squeeze my hand. I miss the way your lips felt against mine when we kissed. I miss the way you used to bite me and make me laugh. I miss seeing you use your magic powers on your brother. I miss how we'd talk everyday. I miss when I knew my phone going off was you. I miss making plans with you. I miss when could just lay in bed and talk. I miss our late night talks. I miss hating the birds chirping in morning when we still hadn't gone to bed. I miss hanging out in your awkwardly shaped single in Houston watching movies. I miss being able to walk across campus to see you. I miss walking back to my room at 8 am, knowing waking up early was worth it to spend the night with you. I miss our skype sessions. I miss how you loved my body, even when I didn't. I miss how you called me beautiful. I miss how you'd tease me for my dislike of girly things. I miss you letting me be a girl with you. I miss you holding me when I cried. I miss seeing you almost everyday. I miss sleeping in the same bed as you. I miss the way you'd snore and I'd know you were asleep even though we'd been talking 5 minutes ago. I miss feeling your breath on my neck as I slept. I miss taking care of you. I miss being nervous at the idea of eating dinner with your parents. I miss watching Arrested Development with you. I miss you stroking my face. I miss making out with you. I miss the sex. I miss you allowing me to take things slow and helping me. I miss the idea of showering with you. I miss watching Are You Afraid of the Dark with you. I miss cuddling on the couch with you. I miss being able to let my hands wonder your body. I miss being at parties with you and knowing I'd be going home with you. I miss taking walks with you. I miss knowing it was okay to care about you as much as I do. I miss when I'd get jealous about you talking about all the other girls you'd ever been with. I miss wondering what they had that made you want to be with them before me. I miss having a reason to think that you were mine. I miss the smile I'd get saying your name. I miss waking up next you. I miss driving in the car while you sang Ke$ha's "Your Love is My Drug". I miss your encouragement that I'd do fine at an audition. I miss knowing it was okay if either of us cried at graduation. I miss being more concerned about you then what my friends thought. I miss being mad at you for stupid reasons. I miss you making fun of my Edward Cullen pillow. I miss you calling Hello Kitty, Hi Kitty. I miss you getting excited when Gaga would fall asleep on me. I miss that you didn't care my room was a complete mess the first time you saw it. I miss when you'd talk to me like an intellgent person. I miss hearing stories of your freshman year. I miss going through your box of memories. I miss meeting your best friend. I miss that you cuddled with me on your bed even though your friends were there. I miss you thinking me being drunk was funny. I miss when I'd call you a vagina and then admit in private that I didn't think you were. I miss talking about our interactions before we liked each other with new insight. I miss talking about you going to Smith. I miss thinking that you'd be visiting me in the fall at school. I miss the idea of living with you. I miss you helping me pack up my apartment. I miss our goodbye kisses, when we didn't know the next time we'd see each other. I miss being able to share inside jokes with you. I miss being able to text you when I couldn't text anyone I was with because it was about them. I miss learning new things about you. I miss you learning new things about me. I miss that you didn't care I had so many cats. I miss that you'd talk to me about my Grandfather. I miss that you shared yourself with me. I miss thinking of things to do on your birthday. I miss making you things, that I'd never actually end up giving you. I miss looking at coloring books and ragging on you, when I actually liked that you colored. I miss knowing that my most embrassing moments didn't scare you away. I miss being able to think about you without wanting to cry. I miss your trust in me. I miss you caring about me. I miss being yours. But most of all I miss you. I know I'll never have you again. I had my chance and I was an idiot. You tell me to be easy on myself and forgive myself. You say that I'm not a monster or a bad person, I just made a stupid choice. Well I miss being able to agree with you. I pass the days thinking about when I'll be able to talk to you and then scolding myself. I need to focus on something else. You're not mine anymore, I lost you. I lost your trust and faith in me. Its funny I was typing the previous sentence and accidentally wrote, "I love y-" freudian slip I guess.