It has been a strange week.

Oh, it has been strange. The last 7 days that is. Let's start off with last tuesday...I went to the doctor for a check up of my HPV. Everything seems fine, but I don't think the test results have come in yet. They said they'd call if I need treatment or to come in. No call yet. Then I went to teach the summer hip hop class I'd been teaching and taught my first modern class that night. Wednesday....for the life of me it's escaping me what I did. Hmm. Thursday I had an interview with this awesome dance studio, that unfortunately the only day they are looking for is a day I'm already teaching. So, boo, but they let me teach 2 master classes tonight. Friday I ran errands and then spent a good portion of the day with Alex and some other friends from my school. It was nice to just hang out, laugh, crack jokes. I've missed some of these people. Then I rehearsed Saturday and Sunday for a piece I'll be performing in Martha's Vineyard Thursday and Friday this week. President Obama will be on the island then, I kinda hope I see him! But the piece is part of the hip hop piece I did for the last dance show at Dean choreographed by Kelly Peters. Yesterday [Monday] I spent ALL day looking up DIY/crafting things and attempting a few. I can't wait to post pictures when I'm completely done with a few of them. Then today, I taught the 2 master classes. I can't describe with words the joy that I get from watching students doing my choreography. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life outside of some form of choreographing.

So how could this week have been strange you may ask? I've been happy and feeling complete. I will admit I might have cried like 3 times this week, I'm a girl in my defence. But being just me, dancing.teaching, not worrying about certain people, and being single. I haven't been on a third date with the guy from before...yet. He wants to hang out, he's texted me twice this week about it. I just don't understand how a week ago I told him I'd be busy for the next three weekends and he didn't even ask a single question about what I was doing...Something about him just seems off to me. How could you really want to spend time with me, when you don't really know much about me? I assume he finds me attractive and thats the driving force behind he's need to see me. I cannot and will not be in another relationship where I am used for my body when I don't have a real connection with a person. It worries me that I have no desire to actually hang out with him, I thought at first it was me clinging to my ex....ehh no he just doesn't interest me. He has no interests. In the 6-8 hours I've spent with him, I haven't heard him talk about one thing at all that seems to interest him. Wtf. Even my ex had interests, fuck Scott had interests...how can he not? The only thing I can say he does like is the beach, and that is a place...c'mon really?

In a complete side note my ex facebook chatted me tonight. I was actuall suprised to see the chat window popped up, it felt like I had my best friend back for a little bit. He told me about the new things in his life, not too much stuff. He asked if anything exciting was going on in mine, I said performing in Martha's Vineyard...and that's all we really talked about in regards to me. There are so many things I want to talk to him about that are happening in my life, discuss politics with him. Sadly I conversation was too short for me. I'm supposed to be going to a party for his best friend [my freind too] this weekend...I'm sure I'll see him there, but I'm sure he'll probably bring his girlfriend though too. I don't know if I can really have an honest conversation with him, if she's gonna be attached to his side the entire time. I want my best friend back. I want to be able to talk politics. I want to be able to talk about things going on with my life, that he understood so well. I want to be challenged in a conversation as I was only with him. I miss my best friend, I get over not being his lover anymore, I can't lose my best friend...It seems I've lost or are losing other people in my life as it is...

And I guess the thing that makes this week the strangest is, that besides the fact that I felt happy and whole, I've been having a really hard time sleeping at night. I just run over and over things in my mind. Its starting to worry me. There's so much going on in my head and I'm not saying a lot of it because it family worries, money worries, life worries. Its not all worries, some of it is me planning out combos for class or wondering what the party this weekend will be like. I just want to be able to sleep through the whole night. I can't remember a night within the last 7 days that I've fallen sleep and stayed asleep. Maybe tonight I'll be able to.

Children.

I spent the day at the beach with my friend, Britteny (you can read her blog here) and her family, which consisted of her mom, sister, 2 nieces and her nephew. The girls are 4 and 6 I believe, and Lucas is 13 months. I would normally say that, "I hate children" or "Eww children", but I have to say that spending the day with them remind me both how annoying children are...and cute and I want my own. Uhh that one statement that makes my stomach flip. I want my own. Not adopted, my own. I've never had a job babysitting and all my younger cousins are either 2-6 years behind me or when they were a baby I was just starting 6th grade...maybe. So my exposure to children is limited...so imagine my surprise when I'm suddenly watching the girls boogie boarding and I'm worried that the water is going take them under. What? Later the girls are climbing around on the rocks at the beach and I'm think, "Gah if she's not careful she's gonna fall and hurt herself." Excuse me? Where did this motherly instinct come from? Why, when in high school I couldn't stand to be left alone in a room with a small child, am I wanting to hold Lucas? Why on God's green earth am I worrying every two seconds where the kids are and who is around them? They're not even mine! I guess I can no longer deny what I feel...about children...and the longing I have for a little one of my own. Of course I'm talking about when I'm at a point in both my career and life in which I can comfortably support a child.

I doubt I will ever tell my mother this until I meet a man who will commit to me in the sense that he wants to raise a family, my feelings on the subject of marriage are still iffy.

So while trying to get my tan on, since I'm so pale, I spent the day worrying. Not worrying over if my partner, whom I still can't decide to put ex, old, or nothing in front of, is gonna text me or what he's doing with the new girl...or if I've lost him to her already...Instead I'm worrying about children. Of course my mind then drifts to the subject of me actually being able to have one. I don't know if it's because I have so much time on my hands to think about my future or the fact that it is indeed in the front of my mind, but I am indeed worried that I won't be able to have children. And that thought terrifies me more than failing at my career or disappointing my parents. What if due to the HPV, I can't carry a child? As a woman, I lose an identifier. As a human, I feel like a failure. Nature, which I believe so strongly in, chooses to take that right away from me...nature which is so stable, steps aside to let chance take a turn at the game. Sometime over the last year with my partner, I found self worth in the realm of relationships, sex, and love...before then I had nothing. I use to doubt so strongly how anyone could find me attractive, until him. And even now at times I still doubt... so someone tell me how, if in the next 3 years it's discovered that the HPV has changed the cells in my uterus that I have to have treatment, and that said treatment leaves me scarred, am I supposed to have self worth with myself as a woman? I want a child, yet due to things beyond my control and one roll around in the sheets, I cannot have one? I can't describe the uneasy that creates inside me. So given my newly discovered strong motherly instincts, it's not surprising that the subject is on my mind. And thenthe thought, "what man could love me then?" follows closely behind.

Sometimes I truly hate thinking about things so much.

A hope for the future...

About a month ago I was officially diagnosed with HPV, or Human Papillomavirus. (This is a fact that all of maybe five people knew about, and now anyone who reads my blog will know too.) I guess part of me just wanted to finally share this because of all the unease I've been having about it lately. Something like 1 out of every 2 sexually active females have it. And for most it will clear up on it's own. And then there's me. Not only do I have HPV, but I have a high-risk strand, which means my risk for cervical cancer is greatly increased. I told myself that I wouldn't write about my sex life on my blog anymore, but this has crossed far over just that portion of my life. When I went to my gynecologist in the middle of May, I was given my test results from the biopsies taken during my previous visit. The high-risk strand was confirmed, nothing new. However I received some other news, I had an infection in my cervix. The thing about HPV is that it creates abnormal cell growth and it's the cell growth that eventually leads to cancer if allowed to continue to grow.

I was given 3 options for treatment:
1. Do nothing and wait. Come back in 3 months for another pap smear and see if there are any changes. Positive or negative.
2. Have the abnormal cell growths frozen off and removed. However, this might not get the infection in my cervix.
3. Have a procedure called LEEP done, which involves a laser and unfortunately due to my age it can impact my ability to carry a baby to term or even conceive when I'm older.

Given those options what was I to do, but take option one. This choice could impact my life for negative, so why not air on the side of caution. It's been maybe 3 weeks since I made that decision. My partner at the time was relieved to hear that I was okay and was okay with everything as long as I was happy with the choice I made. I was and still am, however, I guess now more then before I've started to realize how I've slightly changed since learning that I had this. I strongly know now that I do want to carry my own child, and the thought that I may not be able to have a say in that due to this is a little saddening. However, it's still very early and things can change for the positive, but I also have to acknowledge that things can still change for the worse. Besides having the idea that my choice to carry my own child could be ripped out of my hands at any time, I've also come to realize that since I was told I have this at the beginning of May that sex just hasn't been the same. I've had two sexual encounters since learning of my diagnosis and I faked (for the most part) enjoyment because I was so worried that part of me was broken. Even now I haven't wanted to have sex in weeks. I know part of that is due to my falling out with my partner, but a large part of that is because I feel like how could anyone want to be with me? I am broken in a sense. What man wants to marry a woman who can't keep his family name alive? Or what's sexy about the girl at the bar with no desire to have sex? It's fucked up, but I always turn to my partner in my head for help, but he's gone. He has a new object of affection, so why would he want to deal with his old, broken one? And maybe that's one of the things that scares me so much is no matter how much he said, "This isn't going to make me run away. I'm not gonna run away from you because of this." On some level in my mind it still feels like that's why he left. Why should he have to deal with my issues, not like they affect him. And here I am sitting in my room, writing this blog and crying because even now I can't work up the courage to just talk to him. Even though I'm upset and we said we'd always be there for each other no matter what, I'd rather write this blog for the entire world to see. To share my story, and maybe, just maybe some other girl out there with a similar story to me will know that she's not alone...

I'll hug Hi Kitty...

It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. My life has been a hetic mess. And at this moment I'm feeling very sad. It's hard for me to admit this, but I didn't exactly realize how muched I missed someone until I spent the weekend with them. It was only when I got home I realized how alone I feel here. I know I will see them sometime soon again, but I can't shake this feeling. Being home in general makes sad, depressed. Ever since I've started school. Is it because I don't feel like I belong here anymore? Or is it that everyone I love and care about it so far away from me, spread out across the country? I use to think it was the clutter of the house that made me so upset and hate living here, but now I'm starting to think it's because there are other places I'd rather be then here. Or maybe because I didn't return to work this break, I've spent too much time in my room alone.....thinking. Lord knows I'm my own worst enemy when I have too much isolatred time to myself. All I can think right now is that, "I'm never gonna see everyone again." I know it's not true though. Tomorrow I'll see Britt at the gym, and hopefully I'll be seeing Kristin today or even sometime this week. I have no reason to be crying. I had a wonderful weekend with a person that means a lot to me, I live in a nice house, I'm enrolled in college, I have friends. But why do I feel so alone? I can't hold back the tears anymore. I thought last night when I cried before falling asleep, that that would be the end of this feeling, clearly I was wrong. Maybe the problem is, that in my room at my house I have no memories of my closests friends. In this world of my room, they don't exist because they've never been here. Could that be it? Or could this overwhelming feeling just be a reaction to my horomones acting up? I guess the issue right now is that I miss everyone and no matter how hard I cry that isn't going to change anything. I will see people soon, it's not the end of the world....it won't be the end of the world. I'll surivive even if I find that hard to believe right now.

To get an MFA or not to get an MFA?

I woke this morning with an aching in my body. I want it to be september so I can move back into school. I love learning and exploring my craft. I was attempting to help a friend find some volunteer job earlier this morning, when I decided to look at the admission's page for the graduate school he is looking at. Low and behold what do I find? His school offers a MFA in Dance. It got me thinking about graduate schools again. About a year ago I'd decided that when I went to grad school it be in London at the Laban school, but now I'm not so sure. I've now found three MFA programs that perk my interest: Smith, Sarah Lawrence, and Hollins. Hollins is high on my list since grad students work with the American Dance Festival and study abroad as part of the program, the only draw back is that it's in Virginia. Can I be so far from home? NYC is one thing, it's a mere 3 hour train ride back home, but Virginia? I want to move to NYC to be in the heart of the dance world, but now I wonder if LA would be just as good for me. Should I just jump into a graduate program or should I experience the real world for a bit first? I'm lost at my options. As silly as this sounds, if I keep my Walmart job over the next year and I get into a graduate program in another state, I can transfer to a Walmart down there and have a job already when I move. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I feel completely lost. I know I have a little less than a year to figure out what the fuck to do with my life...but things make me question my choices: can I really move across country?; can I survive in a place that I know no one?; can I leave all my friends behind?; will it kill a part of me to start over somewhere new? I wish I had some of these answers. I wish when the time comes I won't have to move alone, I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid to be alone. What if I'm always alone in this new place? What if I fail? Failing would be the death of me...