The Dating World.

Okay so in preparation for my date tomorrow, I've been reading articles from magazines about the Dos and Don'ts about first dates. From what I've gathered the Dos are:

• be yourself
• wear something comfortable
• don't wear heels cause you don't know if you'll do a lot of walking
• hair down sends a better message then an updo
• natural makeup

Don'ts:

• wear an outfit you've never worn before
• talk about exs or sex
• mindlessly babble or complain about your life
• drink too much

So what I've gathered is too appear just enough of you to keep them interested, but don't let them know about any of your crazy... So my question is, what are you supposed to do when they ask a question, that can't be answered without talking about one of the things you're not supposed to? Or how do you go out to drinks without drinking too much? And how much is too much? 2 drinks? 4 drinks?

When I'm not worrying about "dating rules" I'm worrying about what to wear, how to do my hair, what shoes, how much make up...I want to wear heels (my foot will probably kill), but I'm worried I'll seem too tall. And then I worry if he walks me to my car, will he care that I drive a minivan? I worry that I'll say something stupid, or better yet have that awkward moment of silence when I have no idea what to say. And I'm worried about how to cover my disgusting foot because both flats and heels will show it. Sneakers are not date shoes and I don't know if I can get my foot into a pair of boots. Plus are boots summer wear? Ugh. I have no idea what to wear, I think a dress is a good bet, but they're all a little short. Skirts are a definite no go, way too short. It's too hot for pants...dresses it is then. And I'm freaking out/babbling for no reason. It's a date. One date. Ugh.

A hope for the future...

About a month ago I was officially diagnosed with HPV, or Human Papillomavirus. (This is a fact that all of maybe five people knew about, and now anyone who reads my blog will know too.) I guess part of me just wanted to finally share this because of all the unease I've been having about it lately. Something like 1 out of every 2 sexually active females have it. And for most it will clear up on it's own. And then there's me. Not only do I have HPV, but I have a high-risk strand, which means my risk for cervical cancer is greatly increased. I told myself that I wouldn't write about my sex life on my blog anymore, but this has crossed far over just that portion of my life. When I went to my gynecologist in the middle of May, I was given my test results from the biopsies taken during my previous visit. The high-risk strand was confirmed, nothing new. However I received some other news, I had an infection in my cervix. The thing about HPV is that it creates abnormal cell growth and it's the cell growth that eventually leads to cancer if allowed to continue to grow.

I was given 3 options for treatment:
1. Do nothing and wait. Come back in 3 months for another pap smear and see if there are any changes. Positive or negative.
2. Have the abnormal cell growths frozen off and removed. However, this might not get the infection in my cervix.
3. Have a procedure called LEEP done, which involves a laser and unfortunately due to my age it can impact my ability to carry a baby to term or even conceive when I'm older.

Given those options what was I to do, but take option one. This choice could impact my life for negative, so why not air on the side of caution. It's been maybe 3 weeks since I made that decision. My partner at the time was relieved to hear that I was okay and was okay with everything as long as I was happy with the choice I made. I was and still am, however, I guess now more then before I've started to realize how I've slightly changed since learning that I had this. I strongly know now that I do want to carry my own child, and the thought that I may not be able to have a say in that due to this is a little saddening. However, it's still very early and things can change for the positive, but I also have to acknowledge that things can still change for the worse. Besides having the idea that my choice to carry my own child could be ripped out of my hands at any time, I've also come to realize that since I was told I have this at the beginning of May that sex just hasn't been the same. I've had two sexual encounters since learning of my diagnosis and I faked (for the most part) enjoyment because I was so worried that part of me was broken. Even now I haven't wanted to have sex in weeks. I know part of that is due to my falling out with my partner, but a large part of that is because I feel like how could anyone want to be with me? I am broken in a sense. What man wants to marry a woman who can't keep his family name alive? Or what's sexy about the girl at the bar with no desire to have sex? It's fucked up, but I always turn to my partner in my head for help, but he's gone. He has a new object of affection, so why would he want to deal with his old, broken one? And maybe that's one of the things that scares me so much is no matter how much he said, "This isn't going to make me run away. I'm not gonna run away from you because of this." On some level in my mind it still feels like that's why he left. Why should he have to deal with my issues, not like they affect him. And here I am sitting in my room, writing this blog and crying because even now I can't work up the courage to just talk to him. Even though I'm upset and we said we'd always be there for each other no matter what, I'd rather write this blog for the entire world to see. To share my story, and maybe, just maybe some other girl out there with a similar story to me will know that she's not alone...

Insatiable Desire

I've never understood my insatiable desire to change myself. I always want to change the way I look. Is it healthy of me or is it actually quite unhealthy? I'm obsessed with looking feminine. I never think that I look like a girl. Is this why I desire to have my long hair back? I don't feel beautiful with short hair because it makes me look unfeminine. I want my long hair back. I want to have colored hair again.

The pictures are of Audrey Kitching. I think she's beautiful and I love the way she dresses. Between her, Lady Gaga, and Kat Von D I've got a lot of female inspiration. And yet I feel inadequate in my feminine charm. I've always felt like this. I blame this for the suprise I have when a male finds me attractive. Ha.


I may act like I don't give a shit what general society thinks of me, cause I don't give a shit. When it comes to males though, let's just say I come up blank. Do I act tough like I do towards the rest of the world? Or do I act all shy and weak, like how I've been taught females act? I just don't get it. I don't. Why do I always feel like I have to reinvent myelf? Why do I always feel like I need to change my hair? I feel invaild in the person I am. In order for myself to feel attractive I feel I should be: blonde, petite, high pitch voice, super happy, and always dressed nice with hair and make up perfectly done. Hmm. Too bad I'm: brunette, tall, low pitch voice, realistic with feelings, and I dress depending on my mood. Why is it that I don't find myself attractive? Was it the constant images of uber girls, blonde movie stars, and extremely done up models that lead to this mentality?

I'm a 21 year old woman and yet I doubt my sex appeal. Get a drink or two in me and I instantly feel my inner sex kitten come out, unless it's been a bad day then it's "fuck the world" Sarah. Do I blame society for my lack of confidence in my feminine qualities or do I blame the environment I grew up in at home?

My mother has never really been one for dressing up or wearing make up. On the other hand I love wearing fake eyelashes, over the top make up, done up hair, and eye catching outfits. Then I ask myself why do I link femininity to self worth? Why on the days that I feel unworthy to have another person's love or be somone's other half, are also the days that I feel most unlike a girl? Clearly I didn't develop this mentality by just growing up in a normal childhood. Somewhere something must have gone awry. I'd like to know where this crink is in my mind so I can fucking fix it. I want to feel attractive and I want to feel worthy. Gahh. I want to be satisfied with who I am and how I look. Prehaps a self help book will do some good? I doubt it. However I am actively looking for a solution, but suggestions are welcomed.