Alive again...

I have been utterly horrible at writing here. What excuse can I use? Senior was so hetic, I never had time, I just didn't feel like it, blah blah blah... Well I've got shit for excuse. What can I say of my life and my thoughts of the last 5 to 6 months? I feel that filtering through all the thoughts, memories, and experiences of the last months will not only be an emotional overloaded, a jumble of thoughts, but also a non contextual look at my life. It is extremely difficult to justify the feelings I had without then explaining the situation, but then that too needs to be given background context. I must say that, that is too much for me to emotional handle right now. I had my ups and I had my downs. I graduated college and I left friends behind. I had dreams grow and dreams falter. It seems these days that I find myself in a crossroad more unusual then most recent college grads. Besides the normal, transition back into my childhood home under my parents rules, accepting that my friends are no longer a couple rooms down the hall, and the "what the fuck am I doing with my life" mindset, it seems I have other things to overcome. I'm in a transitional phase from lover to best friend, coming to terms with picking up my life to actually move to NYC, and the "my life is not shit, my life is shit" mindset. My mood seems to change as quickly as my thoughts do about my life, which change as often as my mood does. It's a nasty cycle and seeing these days that only time I leave my room more or less my house is to drive my brother to work everyday, it cycles through and through and through. I've taken to redesigning my entire room in order to create a different vibe in it and to always keep my sanity. I've also been contemplating writing stories again, you know force myself to write like a page or 2 a day. I feel obilgated to say that I'm not sorry how my life has turned out, I think its heading in the right direction. I also feel obligated to say that regardless of how things may turn out in the next couple of days or weeks, the tears I may shed and the angry posts I may write....that the last year has been one of the most eye opening, soul finding, spiritual awakening, and loving year I've had in all 21 years of my life. I am thankful for every moment, even the heart wrenching moments when it seemed the tears would never dry and time would never tick forward. I have loved and been loved in return. I have grown and shrank. Simply put the last year has been the year of me. A year of things I wanted and a year of experiences I earned. A year of dates, fights, late night talks, hysterical phone calls, alcohol induced confessions, laughter, and press of another's body.

A Year in Review

So I've been thinking about where and what I was doing this time last year. A year ago I was unemployed, laying around the house waiting for school to start and looking forward to the year ahead. Boy, if I only knew then what I know now. It seems this year I'm about in the same position, only I'm employed.

I've honestly been thinking about my junior year a lot in the last couple days. The year was a rollercoaster of ups and downs....I've definitely experienced every emotion on the human spectrum from love to grief and anger to joy. Let's start off with the fall shall we?

I started the fall semester off eager to prove myself and with a naive idea that nothing could go wrong. I had some great times with an amazing group of friends that would seem to carry on through out the year. I also started to dig myself into a hole in my love life. I don't why I ever thought things would work out for me. I look back at some of those early hangout times and laugh. Really? What the fuck? Those times are a blur of clipboard making, techno music, and late night duties. The semester started on such a high that it surprises me that my cynical side didn't see the downfall coming. Between the fallout of my roommates and the spiral downward into charming bullshit, winter break couldn't have come sooner.

Spring semester came early with my early return to campus for the Kennedy Center festival rehearsals. Being at the festival was one of the best weeks of the year hands down, where I met 4 great guys who'd I become friends with. I only talk to 2 still, I wonder whatever happened to those West Point boys? All the shit from the fall semester made me want to make the spring semester ten time better and to yet again prove myself amoung my peers. I struggled in my love life again, fighting to kick a habit. It makes me cringe to look back at those "times" and to think that I allowed myself to be victim to all the bullshit. Then of course the semester started to come to an end. I had to come to terms with losing people. Graduating friends and a dying grandfather always seemed to be on the back of my mind. Graduation itself scared the shit out of me. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to survive this summer.

My dying grandftaher complicated my family life to the point where weekend graduation parties couldn't come soon enough for me to escape. Then he passed and things overall started to look good in my life. Then that didn't really go to plan, my own doing...then came the 2 weeks of hell at Dean for orientation. There were times during those 2 weeks when I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to be my carefree self again or if the darkness would ever end. Fastforward a month and a half and here I am. I don't pretend that everything is perfect in my life, but as odd as it sounds I'm generally happy....even if some people think that my life is a little complicated and etc. I'm happy and I don't care anymore. Everytime I've ever planned anything out in my head it's been shit on. So I'm just gonna go with the flow. I'm going to follow my heart. I'm going to live every second of the upcoming school year. I'm live the sorrow, joy, and frustration that is bound to happen. I'm young and mistakes are meant to be made. Seems like a good motto to live the year by.

Time Passes...

I'm afraid. Here's a list of things that I'm afraid of right now: failing. being alone. letting my parents down. not making it in the dance world. losing my friends. regretting things. feeling empty. moving on. my senior year. graduate school. moving away from home. screwing up another relationship. giving up on my dreams. allowing others to walk over me. losing my edginess. not being able to pay back my student loans. not getting into dance company, again. not getting my choreography in a show. being blamed for things out of my hands. letting people slip through my fingers. The list in my head just goes on and on. I have to accept the fact that I am in control of my life and choices. Time passes. It always keeps moving. Just because I think it's the end of the world, doesn't mean that it really is. Sure things may not be grand for a bit, but it can't always stay that way. I have to try to stay positive, even if t means leaving the negative things I love in the past. I only live once and I don't want to screw this up. I want to make a name for myself. I want to settle down with someone. I want to raise a little girl and teach her about the world. I want to grow old and watch my grandchildren graduate from high school. I want to live a long life worth living. I never want to settle or give up. I don't want to be afraid of the things that I am. I don't want to be another number, I want to be remembered.

To get an MFA or not to get an MFA?

I woke this morning with an aching in my body. I want it to be september so I can move back into school. I love learning and exploring my craft. I was attempting to help a friend find some volunteer job earlier this morning, when I decided to look at the admission's page for the graduate school he is looking at. Low and behold what do I find? His school offers a MFA in Dance. It got me thinking about graduate schools again. About a year ago I'd decided that when I went to grad school it be in London at the Laban school, but now I'm not so sure. I've now found three MFA programs that perk my interest: Smith, Sarah Lawrence, and Hollins. Hollins is high on my list since grad students work with the American Dance Festival and study abroad as part of the program, the only draw back is that it's in Virginia. Can I be so far from home? NYC is one thing, it's a mere 3 hour train ride back home, but Virginia? I want to move to NYC to be in the heart of the dance world, but now I wonder if LA would be just as good for me. Should I just jump into a graduate program or should I experience the real world for a bit first? I'm lost at my options. As silly as this sounds, if I keep my Walmart job over the next year and I get into a graduate program in another state, I can transfer to a Walmart down there and have a job already when I move. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I feel completely lost. I know I have a little less than a year to figure out what the fuck to do with my life...but things make me question my choices: can I really move across country?; can I survive in a place that I know no one?; can I leave all my friends behind?; will it kill a part of me to start over somewhere new? I wish I had some of these answers. I wish when the time comes I won't have to move alone, I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid to be alone. What if I'm always alone in this new place? What if I fail? Failing would be the death of me...

Where do I go?

Well, a lot has changed since Monday. One week. One bloody week and my life is upside down. This weekend I watched a large chunk of my friends walk out of my life. Graduated. They graduated. I know that we'll still be friends, it's just hard to process that they won't be down the hall or a quick trip downstairs. And in the last week I've also grown accustomed to having someone holding my hand and kissing me. Most of all I've grown accustomed to him sleeping in my bed. Last night was strange not feeling the touch of his skin against mine or the heat of his body again me. There's one word for what I'm feeling. Missing. I miss him. Even though it's been two very short weeks I feel close to him. Which is extremely forgien to me. I've never really let anyone in and sometimes in the back of my mind I wonder if I'm just going to get hurt in the end. Someone I know told me I should try and live in the moment, so here I am attempting to living in it. It's hard at times. I feel like my mind is trying to protect myself and that's why I still haven't fully processed all that's happened. As I struggle to find the words to write how I feel, I can feel my chest tensing and my breath hiccuping. I want to cry. I really do, but I can't. I almost did this morning when mother asked me what I was going to do about internships. How hard is it to fucking process that because I don't have a car it's hard for me to find a job, more or less a fucking internship? Or how about the fact that I feel fucking alienated at home because I have no car. I feel fucking trapped and fucking alone. You wonder why I'm always tired here, it's cause I'm fucking depressed. All I want to do is sleep while I'm home, yay for fucking me. I was happy at school and I resent that my home makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm going to go out of my mind until I see my friends again. 6 days. 6 fucking days to survive, until I get to see some of them. God all I want is a fucking car and a life. Goodnight cruel, cruel world.

Things I've done to get to NYC: Learn how to say goodbye