Trash.

I keep finding your shit everywhere...random photos on my latop, folder in my favorites bar of your clothes, some little thing in my room that has some connection with you. Gah. I should probably start deleting you from my life. Make a folder on my computer and shove all the files that I can't seem to make myself delete and store you in there. You'd think in typical girl fashion I would have burned all photos of us [all five of them], burned the clothes you got me for christmas, throw out the necklace you got me then too, deleted video files so I couldn't watch them anymore...and yet I haven't. I've kept a cool head about me...minus the random "fuck you"s that slip out when I'm drinking or pissed. I can't rationalize getting rid of the gifts because I like them and they're mine, not yours...I can't rationalize burning the photos because it was a time of my life, however I may burn those picture frames I made for us...and to be completely honest I forgot about half the things on my laptop that are from you. You were my best friend and my lover. And I'd thought you'd still be my best friend...but I'm thinking the jury's still out on that one...

Oh! Sweet Liberation.

Last night awakened something in me that I have been missing...
Feeling naughty. Feeling adventurous. Feeling alive.
I had a few drinks last night and got down on the dance floor.
I felt free and sexy. I haven't felt like this in months.
I realized I enjoy being the girl being desired.
I enjoy being the girl dancing up on a guy.
I want to be showed off, I want to be someone's fantasy, I want to be the girl you wish you were with.
I want to be naughty and carefree. I want to be swept off the dance floor by an attractive stranger.
I've missed that feeling in the bottom of my gut that tells me, if given the chance, I'd give him a rememberable night. I've missed my sex appeal. I'm 22 years young, I'm at my prime. I vow to become everything that I can be, every little fantasy of a male counterpart. My inner sex kitten is ready to come out play, hope the world is ready.

To get an MFA or not to get an MFA?

I woke this morning with an aching in my body. I want it to be september so I can move back into school. I love learning and exploring my craft. I was attempting to help a friend find some volunteer job earlier this morning, when I decided to look at the admission's page for the graduate school he is looking at. Low and behold what do I find? His school offers a MFA in Dance. It got me thinking about graduate schools again. About a year ago I'd decided that when I went to grad school it be in London at the Laban school, but now I'm not so sure. I've now found three MFA programs that perk my interest: Smith, Sarah Lawrence, and Hollins. Hollins is high on my list since grad students work with the American Dance Festival and study abroad as part of the program, the only draw back is that it's in Virginia. Can I be so far from home? NYC is one thing, it's a mere 3 hour train ride back home, but Virginia? I want to move to NYC to be in the heart of the dance world, but now I wonder if LA would be just as good for me. Should I just jump into a graduate program or should I experience the real world for a bit first? I'm lost at my options. As silly as this sounds, if I keep my Walmart job over the next year and I get into a graduate program in another state, I can transfer to a Walmart down there and have a job already when I move. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I feel completely lost. I know I have a little less than a year to figure out what the fuck to do with my life...but things make me question my choices: can I really move across country?; can I survive in a place that I know no one?; can I leave all my friends behind?; will it kill a part of me to start over somewhere new? I wish I had some of these answers. I wish when the time comes I won't have to move alone, I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid to be alone. What if I'm always alone in this new place? What if I fail? Failing would be the death of me...

My 21st Birthday

My first legal alcoholic drink. =] I had one of the best birthdays I've had in a while and it was surprisingly simple for a 21st. The stroke of midnight on the 14th of July I received a text from my favorite Ginger in the whole world. Her awesome text was followed by mind blowing sex. I must say I cannot recall a time where I couldn't form a sentence like I couldn't then. The sensation of my wits vacating my mind like that is oddly liberating and pleasureable. I must repeat the experience more often since I throughly enjoyed it. After a rather peaceful and refreshing sleep, we hopped in the shower. I shall admit the idea of being this completely open and vunerable (as much as a shower can be) with the other person was a bit nerve racking. There's something oddly intimate for me about actually showering with another person and I'm not talking about sex in the shower. I literally mean showering with another person. Body and hair washing were taking place. It was pleasant to allow myself to be taken care of since I hardly let my guard down. Overall it was an experience I wouldn't mind repeating with the right person. After the shower we went back to laying in bed and watched a television show called In Treatment. The show is rather intelligent and interesting in the way a car accident is. My only interest in watching the show besides the fact that my partner enjoys it, is that I want to see how the patients on the show tear apart their lives in therapy. My partner then suggested that we see Twilight Saga's Eclipse, since I had yet to see it. I agreed of course and off we then went to see Eclipse. I knew he wouldn't enjoy the movie at all, but it was amusing to think that he was seeing just because I wanted to. He survived the the two hours and we then found ourselves at dinner. We ventured to the Texas Roadhouse, which made me miss the actual state of Texas and the San Antonio Riverwalk. It's funny that the only two times I've been out to dinner with just him, we seem to run into someone that he knows working at the resturant. Of course I immediately feel out of place. I wonder if I'll ever get over that sensation, I fear I never will. I order my first drink and got carded. It was liberating knowing that when I handed over my ID I didn't have to worry about it being rejected. The drive home was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I was definitely buzzed singing the music on the radio was we drove down the highway. And then we ended the day with the same way we started it. A simple enough 21st and yet the most rewarding in my eyes. The only part of the night that I wished hadn't happened the way it did was when I finally uttered the phrase that's been plaguing my thoughts. I cannot tell you how many times in the last 3 weeks I've wanted to confess them. However, I just always felt that in bed was probably the worst place to say them. I did it though. I said, "I love you." As much as I'd like to tell myself that its a useless emotion, its not. Loving a person allows you to learn how to open yourself to the world. In the context of my partner, the feeling plays little in our relationship. We allow ourselves to take from each other what we need and desire. I desire the physical intimacy and the emotional bonding he gives me. What I give him, only he can speak for. I realize people may disagree with my laidback view of giving myself away...to be frank, I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of trying to live by other people's definitions of love, relationships, and social interactions. Life is a journey of struggles and experieces. This is what I want to experience. This is what I want right now. When I no longer want this lifestyle or decide to become more conservative then I will listen to some of the people in my life. And I don't know how this blog started off as one detailing my 21st birthday and is ending this "fuck you" note to some people, but alas I can never seem to control my stream of consciousness.

I could use a little rain....

I wish it rain like this so that I could dance outside right now. I want to feel the water course down my skin and my clothes sticking to my body. I want to be free.