Missing Piece of Me

So I wrote this last week on my iPhone, I know, but am now just getting around to posting. Sorry I've been so MIA, promise I'll post something that makes up for it, soon.

I find myself at night laying in bed with my arms out stretched like I'm reaching for something that isn't there anymore. And it feels like there's a part of me missing. And I hate that I feel that way. 'It was only I year' I tell myself. It's been three months, just fucking get over it. And then I think of what it is that I think I'm missing. The feel of his warm skin under my cool one? His deep breathes in the silent night? The feeling that when I wake up I know it'll be to his smiling face?

And so then I think of the time passed with him. The nights we'd lay in bed and I couldn't help but doubt that I wasn't the only one that laid in his arms, about what other girls he was possibly talking to. But then I'd take a deep breath and think, 'this isn't me. I trust him, it's just gotta be the nature of our arrangement.' it was true, part of me was always searching for the one thing that allowed him to be mine...a title, an idea, a concept. I knew what I wanted, I just didn't have it at the time. So I continued with my life, school work and rehearsals, all the while trying to map out my future and trying to figure out where he fit in. So I checked his state for dance companies to see if I could make my dream plausible for us. It wouldn't be any easier then Boston, but there was at least a dance scene. But I had to be rational, it's not like we were dating and although I loved him and only ever wanted that feeling returned, I knew it was crazy to think this way. So I buried those thoughts deep inside like a dark secret, its not like he was suddenly going to love me one day . And then that day came and like the glittering flame of a birthday candle, it was there one second and gone the next. His love. The tiny amount of claim that I held over him.

So I lay in bed, what? Missing...him? Is that why my arms are stretched out? No, I don't think it is. For, though it's taken me almost three months to understand, I don't miss that person that decided on a whim one day to finally utter the words I'd desperately waited a year for them to say. The words that were the response to the words of my tattoo, written in a language he knew how to speak. It was always there in front of him, the thing that I so ardently needed. And for the moment to come and just fizzle out? I use to think it was that, that scared him away and into the arms of another woman. So I'd blame myself, I mean I'd hurt him so bad in the past, why wouldn't it surprise me that the moment he finally admitted his true feelings for me, that he'd run as fast and far away as he could from the one person who could and had hurt him.

So again I ask myself why is it then that I'm not missing him?...to be honest I miss the man he was in the late hours of the night when we'd lay in bed together. There's no mask, no hiding who are, when you're in that moment. So if not him I miss then what? That honest moment? That's what I miss. The ability to have that moment when you're laying in bed, and you can't hide who you are anymore. You muscles relax until your bones sink into your mattress and your mind travels through all the ideas, memories, and feelings that you refused to face during the day. The moment when you can just cry knowing that the other person isnt going anywhere. The moment when you can just stare into a person's soul. The moment when there's no need for words and a simple quiver of your lip or wrinkle of your brow tells the person you're laying next to what exactly is on your mind.


So I lay with my arms outstretched, to remind myself that there was a time when those honest moments truly existed and when my hands finally touch something, those moments will be back.


Someday.

9 days

It has been 9 days. You'd think I'd have stopped counting after four. Nope. In the grand scheme of my life this is hardly anything, but every time I have been driving or riding in a car...my mind has wondered to this. I'm getting tired of thinking about this. Clearly it's over and even if it's not...maybe it should be. Maybe this has gone on for too long. A year is a very long time, and even though I'd love to talk to you about this, I'm not sure I'm at the rational thought stage. In the car my ideas and thoughts make sense, but the second I'm out of the car I doubt what I've been thinking. So maybe I need a little more time to just myself, even if it is a similiar sensation to having a cat scratch on a sunburn. You don't really remember it hurts until you hit it again. And I'm just not sure I'm ready to really hit this burn yet. I am not over analysising this or looking too deep into 9 days. I'm just reflecting on the times that have passed and making some choices about my future. I wish I knew what was going on with you, but then again probably not. I don't need to know the details about her until I'm a hundred percent sure I even want to meet her...at your birthday party in 2 weeks. Sigh. There is a very strong part of me that wants to get my new hair cut & color before your party, so I can look like hot shit in front of her. And then I remember that no matter what I wear or how I look at your party that will not change how you currently feel about her and how you use to feel about me. Sometimes we just have to learn to adjust when life stops going in a direction we like. I liked being with you. You now like being with her. And I'm not a hundred percent sure I want to go back to our arrangement, this break has got me thinking that I might want it all or none at all. Although that thought scares the shit out of me, I have to at least acknowledge this thought. I guess I just need more time to process. It seems all I'm doing these days is processing my choices, processing my past, and processing my future. It seems that I've finally left the wonder and amazement of childhood behind and jumped head first into adulthood. Yay me.

At heart I'm a Time Traveller.

I'm having extremely mixed feelings today. I can't decide if its because my hormones are going crazy right now or I just am generally feeling off. I'm leaning more towards the hormones, but anyways. So I was listening to some possible Showcase song choices, because crazy me is trying to choroegraph four peices to audition in about a month. But as the songs came on all I could think about was "How is this my life?" I want to so badly at this exact moment to be October of my Junior year. I would have made completely different choices. I first off would have given you a chance a hell of a lot sooner. I wouldn't have put myself through the bullshit. I would have tried to more things outside of Dean. I would have done so many things different. I'm not necessarily unhappy with the way my life is right now, I just don't like the circumstances that are pulling at the strings of future. There is so much doubt in my life right now that I guess I'm finally feeling a little unnerved by it. I'll go to class in an houra nd be fine, but right now I just want a second chance at the last 365 days of my life starting......now.

The simple things...

In my quest to enjoy life more while I'm young and getting into the mindset of living every day of my senior year of college, I've been cherishing and savoring the little moments.

Enjoying the body heat of another person. The feel of someone's breath falling and rising against my body. The tangle of arms, allowing one's self to forget the boundaries of their own body and anothers. Leaving the person and hours later their scent still lingers on your skin and clothes. Feeling the absence of another. Laying in a room of friends and knowing that these are times I'll remember forever. Being woken up by laughing friends. That first good morning kiss, when you know you're just happy to wake up next to the person. Falling asleep while listening to someone's breathing. The early morning silence of being the first awake. The confession of overheard sleep mumblings. The realization that even in your sleep you can't hide your true feelings. The teasing meant only to get a rise out of someone. Listening to your friends debate topics you know nothing about. Being embrassed by the retelling of embrassing moments of the night before. The kiss that lingers on your lips even after you've said goodbye. I truely cherish these moments for they are the pieces that make a life.

Time Passes...

I'm afraid. Here's a list of things that I'm afraid of right now: failing. being alone. letting my parents down. not making it in the dance world. losing my friends. regretting things. feeling empty. moving on. my senior year. graduate school. moving away from home. screwing up another relationship. giving up on my dreams. allowing others to walk over me. losing my edginess. not being able to pay back my student loans. not getting into dance company, again. not getting my choreography in a show. being blamed for things out of my hands. letting people slip through my fingers. The list in my head just goes on and on. I have to accept the fact that I am in control of my life and choices. Time passes. It always keeps moving. Just because I think it's the end of the world, doesn't mean that it really is. Sure things may not be grand for a bit, but it can't always stay that way. I have to try to stay positive, even if t means leaving the negative things I love in the past. I only live once and I don't want to screw this up. I want to make a name for myself. I want to settle down with someone. I want to raise a little girl and teach her about the world. I want to grow old and watch my grandchildren graduate from high school. I want to live a long life worth living. I never want to settle or give up. I don't want to be afraid of the things that I am. I don't want to be another number, I want to be remembered.

Slipping through my fingers...

I find it harder and harder some days to let you go. I'm always wanting to text you. As soon as I get out of work I want to talk to you. At the end of everyday I want to know how your day was. I honestly don't want to let you go. I want you. I want you with every fiber of my being. I joked this weekend about Jenny setting me up with one of her guy friends. Her response back was, "Let's be honest, you don't want to really look at anyone else." Gahh. Then I was talking to Kristin today and she said, "When you know what you really want, things will get easier." No, no, no, no. I know I'm not gonna get over you until I find someone new, but I don't want to find someone new so, where the fuck does that leave me? I'd rather have you just as a frend in my life then to not have you in it at all. You've become such a part of my life that I wouldn't even know how to fill that part if you left. Brit says I make excuses for you, maybe she's right, maybe she's not. I'm about as lost in this fucking emotional tornado as I am with my options of Graduate school. I haven't met somone who can hold a conversation, my interest, or me like you can. Today is one of my sad reflective days. Maybe tomorrow will be happier.

To get an MFA or not to get an MFA?

I woke this morning with an aching in my body. I want it to be september so I can move back into school. I love learning and exploring my craft. I was attempting to help a friend find some volunteer job earlier this morning, when I decided to look at the admission's page for the graduate school he is looking at. Low and behold what do I find? His school offers a MFA in Dance. It got me thinking about graduate schools again. About a year ago I'd decided that when I went to grad school it be in London at the Laban school, but now I'm not so sure. I've now found three MFA programs that perk my interest: Smith, Sarah Lawrence, and Hollins. Hollins is high on my list since grad students work with the American Dance Festival and study abroad as part of the program, the only draw back is that it's in Virginia. Can I be so far from home? NYC is one thing, it's a mere 3 hour train ride back home, but Virginia? I want to move to NYC to be in the heart of the dance world, but now I wonder if LA would be just as good for me. Should I just jump into a graduate program or should I experience the real world for a bit first? I'm lost at my options. As silly as this sounds, if I keep my Walmart job over the next year and I get into a graduate program in another state, I can transfer to a Walmart down there and have a job already when I move. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I feel completely lost. I know I have a little less than a year to figure out what the fuck to do with my life...but things make me question my choices: can I really move across country?; can I survive in a place that I know no one?; can I leave all my friends behind?; will it kill a part of me to start over somewhere new? I wish I had some of these answers. I wish when the time comes I won't have to move alone, I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid to be alone. What if I'm always alone in this new place? What if I fail? Failing would be the death of me...

My 21st Birthday

My first legal alcoholic drink. =] I had one of the best birthdays I've had in a while and it was surprisingly simple for a 21st. The stroke of midnight on the 14th of July I received a text from my favorite Ginger in the whole world. Her awesome text was followed by mind blowing sex. I must say I cannot recall a time where I couldn't form a sentence like I couldn't then. The sensation of my wits vacating my mind like that is oddly liberating and pleasureable. I must repeat the experience more often since I throughly enjoyed it. After a rather peaceful and refreshing sleep, we hopped in the shower. I shall admit the idea of being this completely open and vunerable (as much as a shower can be) with the other person was a bit nerve racking. There's something oddly intimate for me about actually showering with another person and I'm not talking about sex in the shower. I literally mean showering with another person. Body and hair washing were taking place. It was pleasant to allow myself to be taken care of since I hardly let my guard down. Overall it was an experience I wouldn't mind repeating with the right person. After the shower we went back to laying in bed and watched a television show called In Treatment. The show is rather intelligent and interesting in the way a car accident is. My only interest in watching the show besides the fact that my partner enjoys it, is that I want to see how the patients on the show tear apart their lives in therapy. My partner then suggested that we see Twilight Saga's Eclipse, since I had yet to see it. I agreed of course and off we then went to see Eclipse. I knew he wouldn't enjoy the movie at all, but it was amusing to think that he was seeing just because I wanted to. He survived the the two hours and we then found ourselves at dinner. We ventured to the Texas Roadhouse, which made me miss the actual state of Texas and the San Antonio Riverwalk. It's funny that the only two times I've been out to dinner with just him, we seem to run into someone that he knows working at the resturant. Of course I immediately feel out of place. I wonder if I'll ever get over that sensation, I fear I never will. I order my first drink and got carded. It was liberating knowing that when I handed over my ID I didn't have to worry about it being rejected. The drive home was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I was definitely buzzed singing the music on the radio was we drove down the highway. And then we ended the day with the same way we started it. A simple enough 21st and yet the most rewarding in my eyes. The only part of the night that I wished hadn't happened the way it did was when I finally uttered the phrase that's been plaguing my thoughts. I cannot tell you how many times in the last 3 weeks I've wanted to confess them. However, I just always felt that in bed was probably the worst place to say them. I did it though. I said, "I love you." As much as I'd like to tell myself that its a useless emotion, its not. Loving a person allows you to learn how to open yourself to the world. In the context of my partner, the feeling plays little in our relationship. We allow ourselves to take from each other what we need and desire. I desire the physical intimacy and the emotional bonding he gives me. What I give him, only he can speak for. I realize people may disagree with my laidback view of giving myself away...to be frank, I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of trying to live by other people's definitions of love, relationships, and social interactions. Life is a journey of struggles and experieces. This is what I want to experience. This is what I want right now. When I no longer want this lifestyle or decide to become more conservative then I will listen to some of the people in my life. And I don't know how this blog started off as one detailing my 21st birthday and is ending this "fuck you" note to some people, but alas I can never seem to control my stream of consciousness.

The Birds & The Bees.

So I don't think I can ever remember my mother having the sex talk with me, nor talking to me about it in general. Sex was never really discussed in my family. My brother having sex, yes and even joked about; my parents having sex, joked about; the reality of me having sex....yeah where the fuck was the conversation? Don't get me wrong I'm happy in all that I got to skip the awkward sex talk, but um there a couple things that would have nice to be informed upon by the female role model of my life. Such things as what's an orgasm like? What's female masturbation? What's wrong if I don't get wet? And etc. would have been nice. Granted I know some of these answers now, but I wish my only main resources hadn't been friends, porn, and the internet. To this day I still struggle to figure out if I've actually orgasmed from intercourse. There are times I know for sure and others I'm not so quite sure. Learning how to give a blowjob and what doggy style is from the internet is fine, but how I'd feel after my first time would have been a nice insight from my mother. Overall I feel a little frustrated that I've had to self teach myself on all lessons of sex and love. Even now I wonder if my mother knows I'm not a virgin. How do I even bring up that topic? I'm soon to be 21 and yet my mother has never asked me a single question about my sex life. In high school I''d tell her stories about my friends and then I'd reassure her that I was still a virgin and that she didn't have to worry about things like that from me. It's now been three years since I left high school and she's never asked me: Who was my first kiss? Did I like it? Who was the first boy I ever really had a thing with? Do I practise safe sex? Maybe she assumes that if I wanted to talk about these things I'd bring them up, but I don't know how. I just don't know who to talk to about this shit anymore. My brother probably doesn't want to hear about his little sister having sex. His girlfriend is a little reserved and I don't know if she feels comfortable enough to talk about with me. Several of my best friends are virgins, for various personal reasons, so what experience do they have? My other best friend doesn't really want to hear the details of my sex life with my current partner since she's been friends with him for a couple years now. I'm not really gonna talk about certain things with my partner since he's a male and I need a female's pov/someone who's not fucking me. So who does that leave?

I want to create a Home.

So I want to have my own apartment or house so I can do things like this. I want to have dinner parties. I want to play hostess. Gahh I never thought I'd actually ever admit this...the idea of being a homemaker, but still having a career, is something I really want. I want to create an entire dinner menu, table settings, and such for a group of friends. I want to entertain people in my own space, but I think I'd want my significant other to be there to help. Gahh I have such desires that people wouldn't suspect me to have. I guess the cats out of the bag, I'm girly deep down and want what every little girl dreams about.

Jump.

I have this idea in my head & I want it so bad. It scares me. I feel like this idea is almost the same as jumping off a cliff...until my feet actually leave the ground, I'm going to be terrified, but once my feet do I'll be grateful. Here's to hoping that when I land its not on the rocks.

I've walked miles in your shoes...

I've taken up walking in order to sort out my thoughts. I pretty much walk everyday. On average I walk a mile a day, yesterday I walked four. Sometimes I walk to the park and sit to think. I've passed anywhere from 3o minutes to an hour sitting there by myself. I've even taken up laying in Grant Filed staring at the night sky. Yet, still with all this time for thinking I find myself struggling to find answers. Most of the time I jsut find more questions. I'm getting sick of questions. I don't want to have to keep working out things for myself. Call me lazy, pathetic, or whatnot...I'm just tired of having to sort things out. And no I can't just let things happen. There a couple important things in my life I need to sort. I'm getting afraid that I'll never have the answers to the questions I've discovered. I've always wondered why certain people get tested the most, and as I used to tell a friend, "the strongest people are tested the most." Bullshit. I don't feel strong. I feel fucking lost. I feel like someone's dropped me out a plane in Montana with a map of Wymoing and said, "Find Texas." What the fuck? So many things in my life that I thought I had the answers for, just don't seem to fit anymore. Like where do you go to meet new people? A bar? An art exhibit? How long is too long to hang on to somebody? Is it really that unhealthly to just throw in the towel on relationships? When does being professional draw close to the line of losing myself? I'm so fucking lost. I'm lost like an American in China. I don't speak whatever language every other fucking adult speaks when it comes to this shit. There are only so many times I lay on Grant Field and stare at the sky and think, "How can such petty things keep me down, when there's a whole universe out there?" I don't know. I don't fucking know. I haven't felt like crying in a couple of days, but I have a feeling another breakdown is coming. If I could just figure out one bloody question, I might be able to ease off myself.