Le Foot.

So this is my foot hours after the incident. You know, the one when I was pushed into a lake and tripped over a rock and cut my foot open.

Pretty nice huh?

And this my foot Saturday, 6 days after.

Looks like shit, right? It feels like shit still too. Not all the time. Mainly after I sit for a good chunk of time and then try to walk again....I can feel my skin pull. Ugh. And the pulse behind the cut, which I'm sure I've rebroken open at least 3 times since it originally happened. I cannot wait for those little white sterile strips to come off. I think they hurt more then the amazing scab I'm gonna have, you know before it turns into an even better scar. My foot remains a little swollen the last couple days, around the injuried area. I still can't point my foot or wear shoes that aren't my flip flops without pain. I'm not supposed to get it wet either, which is how I came up with the brillant idea of saran wrapping my foot in order to take a shower. After taping the saran wrap to my foot, I was more than pleasantly surprised to see it worked.

Now if only it'll stop hurting enough that I can wear flats, maybe heels for a date I'm supposed to go on this week, not to mention I'm supposed to be going to the club Saturday for my birthday. This foot is taking a little longer to heal then I thought it would. It also seems to be the only topic that a certain person, seems to care about talking to me about. I understand that he may be worried about me, but I'm getting a little tired of it. I honestly don't think you can be that worried about me...if anything your guilt is hurting you. So I think it's more out of guilt then actually caring about me that drives these conversations. I stand my ground on the belief that I cared for you more then you ever cared for me.

Alive again...

I have been utterly horrible at writing here. What excuse can I use? Senior was so hetic, I never had time, I just didn't feel like it, blah blah blah... Well I've got shit for excuse. What can I say of my life and my thoughts of the last 5 to 6 months? I feel that filtering through all the thoughts, memories, and experiences of the last months will not only be an emotional overloaded, a jumble of thoughts, but also a non contextual look at my life. It is extremely difficult to justify the feelings I had without then explaining the situation, but then that too needs to be given background context. I must say that, that is too much for me to emotional handle right now. I had my ups and I had my downs. I graduated college and I left friends behind. I had dreams grow and dreams falter. It seems these days that I find myself in a crossroad more unusual then most recent college grads. Besides the normal, transition back into my childhood home under my parents rules, accepting that my friends are no longer a couple rooms down the hall, and the "what the fuck am I doing with my life" mindset, it seems I have other things to overcome. I'm in a transitional phase from lover to best friend, coming to terms with picking up my life to actually move to NYC, and the "my life is not shit, my life is shit" mindset. My mood seems to change as quickly as my thoughts do about my life, which change as often as my mood does. It's a nasty cycle and seeing these days that only time I leave my room more or less my house is to drive my brother to work everyday, it cycles through and through and through. I've taken to redesigning my entire room in order to create a different vibe in it and to always keep my sanity. I've also been contemplating writing stories again, you know force myself to write like a page or 2 a day. I feel obilgated to say that I'm not sorry how my life has turned out, I think its heading in the right direction. I also feel obligated to say that regardless of how things may turn out in the next couple of days or weeks, the tears I may shed and the angry posts I may write....that the last year has been one of the most eye opening, soul finding, spiritual awakening, and loving year I've had in all 21 years of my life. I am thankful for every moment, even the heart wrenching moments when it seemed the tears would never dry and time would never tick forward. I have loved and been loved in return. I have grown and shrank. Simply put the last year has been the year of me. A year of things I wanted and a year of experiences I earned. A year of dates, fights, late night talks, hysterical phone calls, alcohol induced confessions, laughter, and press of another's body.

A Year in Review

So I've been thinking about where and what I was doing this time last year. A year ago I was unemployed, laying around the house waiting for school to start and looking forward to the year ahead. Boy, if I only knew then what I know now. It seems this year I'm about in the same position, only I'm employed.

I've honestly been thinking about my junior year a lot in the last couple days. The year was a rollercoaster of ups and downs....I've definitely experienced every emotion on the human spectrum from love to grief and anger to joy. Let's start off with the fall shall we?

I started the fall semester off eager to prove myself and with a naive idea that nothing could go wrong. I had some great times with an amazing group of friends that would seem to carry on through out the year. I also started to dig myself into a hole in my love life. I don't why I ever thought things would work out for me. I look back at some of those early hangout times and laugh. Really? What the fuck? Those times are a blur of clipboard making, techno music, and late night duties. The semester started on such a high that it surprises me that my cynical side didn't see the downfall coming. Between the fallout of my roommates and the spiral downward into charming bullshit, winter break couldn't have come sooner.

Spring semester came early with my early return to campus for the Kennedy Center festival rehearsals. Being at the festival was one of the best weeks of the year hands down, where I met 4 great guys who'd I become friends with. I only talk to 2 still, I wonder whatever happened to those West Point boys? All the shit from the fall semester made me want to make the spring semester ten time better and to yet again prove myself amoung my peers. I struggled in my love life again, fighting to kick a habit. It makes me cringe to look back at those "times" and to think that I allowed myself to be victim to all the bullshit. Then of course the semester started to come to an end. I had to come to terms with losing people. Graduating friends and a dying grandfather always seemed to be on the back of my mind. Graduation itself scared the shit out of me. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to survive this summer.

My dying grandftaher complicated my family life to the point where weekend graduation parties couldn't come soon enough for me to escape. Then he passed and things overall started to look good in my life. Then that didn't really go to plan, my own doing...then came the 2 weeks of hell at Dean for orientation. There were times during those 2 weeks when I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to be my carefree self again or if the darkness would ever end. Fastforward a month and a half and here I am. I don't pretend that everything is perfect in my life, but as odd as it sounds I'm generally happy....even if some people think that my life is a little complicated and etc. I'm happy and I don't care anymore. Everytime I've ever planned anything out in my head it's been shit on. So I'm just gonna go with the flow. I'm going to follow my heart. I'm going to live every second of the upcoming school year. I'm live the sorrow, joy, and frustration that is bound to happen. I'm young and mistakes are meant to be made. Seems like a good motto to live the year by.

A foreign love.

A friend recommended the french film, "Paris Je T'aime" for my viewing pleasure. I absolutely enjoyed the film. I loved the different little films through out it. I must say Paris is so tempting on film. Out of all the stories I loved four in particular: Quais de Seine; La Marais; Bastille; 14e arronissement.

• Quais de Seine is the story of a chance. A young man who is sitting with his friends in a park. His friends attempt to pick up women by yelling things they think will perk the women's interest. A young Muslim woman sitting near finds the friends to be annoying and leaves, but trips. They mock her, while the young man comes to her rescue. They talk, she leaves. He then suddenly decides to find her at her Mosque. The idea of taking a chance like that is so romantic and alluring.

• La Marais is the story of lost words. A young french man meets a printshop worker and instantly believes him to be his soulmate. The other young man sits and listens to the french man pour his heart out to him. The french man leaves and it is saddly revealed that the printshop worker doesn't speak french well. The story ends with the printshop worker running down the street. It's hard to say what the ending means...to me I think he was running towards the young french man and not away. The things the french man said, even though the words were foreign, the feeling had to have still been there.

• Bastille is the story of reconnecting. A husband is meeting his wife in a restaurant to tell her that he is leaving her. As he watches her walk towards the restaurant, he tells the viewer all the things that he cannot stand about her anymore. It seems there is nothing left for them, especially once it is revealed that he has been having an affair for over a year. When the wife arrives at the table she begins to weep. The husband clearly thinks that she knows, but she hands him papers from the doctor. She's dying. He decides to stay with his wife. The story ends with, "In pretending to be a man in love, he became a man in love."

• 14e arrondissement is the story of growth. An American tourist spends 6 days in Paris by herself. She describes her adventures. Of all the stories her's is the most touching. I'm not sure if it's because I understand the joy and sadness she feels at the end or for another reason. When I visited Italy in high school it held that feeling for me too. "All I can say is that I felt, at the same time, joy and sadness. But not too much sadness, because I felt alive. Yes, alive. That was the moment I fell in love with Paris. And I felt Paris in love with me."

I'd love to visit Paris. This film has reminded me of that picture I saw as a child. It's not the same one as the one posted in this blog, but the idea is similiar. It's couple in front of the Eiffel Tower kissing and they seem in such love. I thought as a young girl, wouldn't that be great? It seems as a young woman I still feel that way. I love the way Paris looks, I love the way french sounds, and my heart still aches everytime I see a picture of a couple kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower. Maybe someday I can travel there with a boyfriend or maybe even a husband. Until then Paris....Je t'aime.