Breathe. Just Breathe.

Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. The feelings are so strong, that I can't fight back the tears. And they fall until I can't breathe. Then comes the hiccup for air that my lungs so deseperately need, but can't get. And then the process just cycles until my nose is running, my eyes are red, my cheeks are wet and it feels like the quivering of my body won't stop til I cease to exist. It's always me. Always. I'm the one always "falling apart"...never you. Am I crazy? Am I too attached? Why does everything I feel have to be so extreme? Do I blame the life of an arist or the way my personality is made?

I can curl into my body pillow and squeeze it, to try and stop the tears, but it never seems to help. And I hate that I do this, that I get upset like this. I don't even know why I'm choking out every stupid breath I have. I'd give every fucking breath I have right now to make this stop. I feel like a china plate that someone dropped on the kitchen floor, a weak, shattered replica of something great. When I was kid and I was crying like this, I'd cry so loud, that my mom would come in to check on me. I know that's what I'm craving right now. Comfort. A warm embrace and some kind words. But friends aren't answering phones and friends have lives that don't involve me anymore. And I am far too old to cry for my mother...So what am I to do?

Wait for the tears to dry and my breathing to return to normal...wait for me to let this tidalwave of emotions run over me. Admit that it still hurts even if I thought that it didn't anymore.Admit that I always thought things would just fucking work out for me regardless of my short comings and mistakes. I thought that maybe I'd get to be the happy one for awhile. That I can finally relax into my life instead of always waiting for the floor to give out under me. And I can keep pretending tthat everything's okay during the day like I'm some Zombie...even though once the sun goes down, time slows down to a crawling halt. The nights are still hard for all the reasons that I struggle to push on through the day. I have issues living at home. I have issues with you. I have issues with my friends that seem to not care if I exist anymore. I have issues that people are already bailing on birthday even though it's two weeks away. I have issues that I feel like nothing is within my control right now and I'm everyone else's fucking pawn. I wanted to scream at you, "How can you not care? Why is that it seems I'm always the one hurt or upset?" But I know that's just me lashing out acting irrational. And I want to scream, "FUCK YOU!" To all the people who are supposed to be my friends. Nothing is alright and nothing is okay and nothing is going  to plan. But I just have to remember to breathe. Just breathe.

The Alphabet & Me.

Ambition: Share my love of dance with the world...oh and get to NYC.
Bad Habit: beating myself up when I'm already down
City: live: Middleboro; want to visit at this very moment: Worms, Germany
Drink: Peach iced tea
Education: BA in Dance.
Food: hmm soy yogurt and california sushi rolls.
Guilty Pleasure: Victoria Secret, I shop there waaaay too much, and V-necks I always find a reason to buy one.
Hometown: Middleboro, MA
Ice Cream: Black raspberry
Jonesing for: a vacation of some form and someone to cuddle with
Kryptonite: Children...and yet I will be teaching them in the fall, haha
Look-a-like: I don't think I have one...
Movie: Titanic, Interview with the Vampire, and The Fountain.
Nickname: Helsinki, Garcie
Obsession: Vampires,  Hello Kitty, and dance.
Perfume: VS Very Sexy Now and Paris Hilton
Quirk: I sometime act out scenes by myself cause I'm bored, or I'll talk in an accent just for fun
Regret: Not having started to save money to move while I was in school
Starbucks: Caramel Frappuccinco
Thrift Find of the Year: Hmm so far I'd have to say the yoga pants I got from VS today for 11.99 instead of 49, boo yeah
University: I wanted to go to University of Texas Austin...
Vacation: Uh I want to go to New Orleans
Wine: Um no thanks...I'm still trying to find one I like
X: Haha eX's are fun, see I made a joke out of it...
Years: Almost 22
Zen: Sitting out in the woods or driving.

Stole this idea from Nicole. If you decide to do this too, leave a link in the comments so I can read it. =]

Gertrude.

The thought came to me that if time travel was indeed possible, I know the point in time in which I'd like to change. It isn't a point in my past that I want to change, I feel like I'm way too young to decide if there is a moment worth changing. The moment is actually from my father's past. 1973 to be exact. I don't really know the specific month and day, but the day in which my grandmother died. I know it must seem strange for me to pick this moment. Let me explain...

My grandmother, Gertrude, was killed in Hyannis, MA in a motor vehicle accident in 1973. My grandfather and her were riding with his motorcycle club when a car cut off my grandfather. In an attempt to avoid hitting the car, my grandfather swerved hard causing my grandmother to hit the hood of the car. I was told she wasn't wearing a helmet at the time, which why she recieved severe head tramua when she hit the car. She was only 34. (And this was why I use to get so worried when Nick would ride his bike.)

She left behind five children. My father, the oldest, was only 16 at the time. From stories that have been told to me over the years, it seemed after my grandmother died my grandfather got stricter and meaner. He was no kind soul to start with, but after she was gone he wasn't any better. I've always wished that I could have met her and as a child, when I use to see a shadow figure in my closet that would scare me...I'd always tell myself that it was just my grandmother watching over me while I slept.

So if given the chance to change one moment, I'd make it so that they never went for that motorcycle ride. And prehaps things would have been different for my father and his siblings. Maybe the things that tore them apart when they got older wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have grown up with a spilt family. Then again prehaps it would have also meant that my parents would have never met and I wouldn't exist. I don't know though, I feel pretty confindent that I was/am meant to exist and that if I could indeed change that moment, I'd have grown up with a biological grandmother, who would have loved me...and she'd tell me stories about what it was like to grow up in Germany during WWII,  stories about how my father was a crazy little boy, and stories about what I was like as a child spending weekends at her house.

Maybe I would have had that or maybe she was meant to die young...sadly. RIP Gertrude Beiersdoerfer.

A hope for the future...

About a month ago I was officially diagnosed with HPV, or Human Papillomavirus. (This is a fact that all of maybe five people knew about, and now anyone who reads my blog will know too.) I guess part of me just wanted to finally share this because of all the unease I've been having about it lately. Something like 1 out of every 2 sexually active females have it. And for most it will clear up on it's own. And then there's me. Not only do I have HPV, but I have a high-risk strand, which means my risk for cervical cancer is greatly increased. I told myself that I wouldn't write about my sex life on my blog anymore, but this has crossed far over just that portion of my life. When I went to my gynecologist in the middle of May, I was given my test results from the biopsies taken during my previous visit. The high-risk strand was confirmed, nothing new. However I received some other news, I had an infection in my cervix. The thing about HPV is that it creates abnormal cell growth and it's the cell growth that eventually leads to cancer if allowed to continue to grow.

I was given 3 options for treatment:
1. Do nothing and wait. Come back in 3 months for another pap smear and see if there are any changes. Positive or negative.
2. Have the abnormal cell growths frozen off and removed. However, this might not get the infection in my cervix.
3. Have a procedure called LEEP done, which involves a laser and unfortunately due to my age it can impact my ability to carry a baby to term or even conceive when I'm older.

Given those options what was I to do, but take option one. This choice could impact my life for negative, so why not air on the side of caution. It's been maybe 3 weeks since I made that decision. My partner at the time was relieved to hear that I was okay and was okay with everything as long as I was happy with the choice I made. I was and still am, however, I guess now more then before I've started to realize how I've slightly changed since learning that I had this. I strongly know now that I do want to carry my own child, and the thought that I may not be able to have a say in that due to this is a little saddening. However, it's still very early and things can change for the positive, but I also have to acknowledge that things can still change for the worse. Besides having the idea that my choice to carry my own child could be ripped out of my hands at any time, I've also come to realize that since I was told I have this at the beginning of May that sex just hasn't been the same. I've had two sexual encounters since learning of my diagnosis and I faked (for the most part) enjoyment because I was so worried that part of me was broken. Even now I haven't wanted to have sex in weeks. I know part of that is due to my falling out with my partner, but a large part of that is because I feel like how could anyone want to be with me? I am broken in a sense. What man wants to marry a woman who can't keep his family name alive? Or what's sexy about the girl at the bar with no desire to have sex? It's fucked up, but I always turn to my partner in my head for help, but he's gone. He has a new object of affection, so why would he want to deal with his old, broken one? And maybe that's one of the things that scares me so much is no matter how much he said, "This isn't going to make me run away. I'm not gonna run away from you because of this." On some level in my mind it still feels like that's why he left. Why should he have to deal with my issues, not like they affect him. And here I am sitting in my room, writing this blog and crying because even now I can't work up the courage to just talk to him. Even though I'm upset and we said we'd always be there for each other no matter what, I'd rather write this blog for the entire world to see. To share my story, and maybe, just maybe some other girl out there with a similar story to me will know that she's not alone...

9 days

It has been 9 days. You'd think I'd have stopped counting after four. Nope. In the grand scheme of my life this is hardly anything, but every time I have been driving or riding in a car...my mind has wondered to this. I'm getting tired of thinking about this. Clearly it's over and even if it's not...maybe it should be. Maybe this has gone on for too long. A year is a very long time, and even though I'd love to talk to you about this, I'm not sure I'm at the rational thought stage. In the car my ideas and thoughts make sense, but the second I'm out of the car I doubt what I've been thinking. So maybe I need a little more time to just myself, even if it is a similiar sensation to having a cat scratch on a sunburn. You don't really remember it hurts until you hit it again. And I'm just not sure I'm ready to really hit this burn yet. I am not over analysising this or looking too deep into 9 days. I'm just reflecting on the times that have passed and making some choices about my future. I wish I knew what was going on with you, but then again probably not. I don't need to know the details about her until I'm a hundred percent sure I even want to meet her...at your birthday party in 2 weeks. Sigh. There is a very strong part of me that wants to get my new hair cut & color before your party, so I can look like hot shit in front of her. And then I remember that no matter what I wear or how I look at your party that will not change how you currently feel about her and how you use to feel about me. Sometimes we just have to learn to adjust when life stops going in a direction we like. I liked being with you. You now like being with her. And I'm not a hundred percent sure I want to go back to our arrangement, this break has got me thinking that I might want it all or none at all. Although that thought scares the shit out of me, I have to at least acknowledge this thought. I guess I just need more time to process. It seems all I'm doing these days is processing my choices, processing my past, and processing my future. It seems that I've finally left the wonder and amazement of childhood behind and jumped head first into adulthood. Yay me.

Alive again...

I have been utterly horrible at writing here. What excuse can I use? Senior was so hetic, I never had time, I just didn't feel like it, blah blah blah... Well I've got shit for excuse. What can I say of my life and my thoughts of the last 5 to 6 months? I feel that filtering through all the thoughts, memories, and experiences of the last months will not only be an emotional overloaded, a jumble of thoughts, but also a non contextual look at my life. It is extremely difficult to justify the feelings I had without then explaining the situation, but then that too needs to be given background context. I must say that, that is too much for me to emotional handle right now. I had my ups and I had my downs. I graduated college and I left friends behind. I had dreams grow and dreams falter. It seems these days that I find myself in a crossroad more unusual then most recent college grads. Besides the normal, transition back into my childhood home under my parents rules, accepting that my friends are no longer a couple rooms down the hall, and the "what the fuck am I doing with my life" mindset, it seems I have other things to overcome. I'm in a transitional phase from lover to best friend, coming to terms with picking up my life to actually move to NYC, and the "my life is not shit, my life is shit" mindset. My mood seems to change as quickly as my thoughts do about my life, which change as often as my mood does. It's a nasty cycle and seeing these days that only time I leave my room more or less my house is to drive my brother to work everyday, it cycles through and through and through. I've taken to redesigning my entire room in order to create a different vibe in it and to always keep my sanity. I've also been contemplating writing stories again, you know force myself to write like a page or 2 a day. I feel obilgated to say that I'm not sorry how my life has turned out, I think its heading in the right direction. I also feel obligated to say that regardless of how things may turn out in the next couple of days or weeks, the tears I may shed and the angry posts I may write....that the last year has been one of the most eye opening, soul finding, spiritual awakening, and loving year I've had in all 21 years of my life. I am thankful for every moment, even the heart wrenching moments when it seemed the tears would never dry and time would never tick forward. I have loved and been loved in return. I have grown and shrank. Simply put the last year has been the year of me. A year of things I wanted and a year of experiences I earned. A year of dates, fights, late night talks, hysterical phone calls, alcohol induced confessions, laughter, and press of another's body.

I'll hug Hi Kitty...

It's been a very long time since I've posted anything. My life has been a hetic mess. And at this moment I'm feeling very sad. It's hard for me to admit this, but I didn't exactly realize how muched I missed someone until I spent the weekend with them. It was only when I got home I realized how alone I feel here. I know I will see them sometime soon again, but I can't shake this feeling. Being home in general makes sad, depressed. Ever since I've started school. Is it because I don't feel like I belong here anymore? Or is it that everyone I love and care about it so far away from me, spread out across the country? I use to think it was the clutter of the house that made me so upset and hate living here, but now I'm starting to think it's because there are other places I'd rather be then here. Or maybe because I didn't return to work this break, I've spent too much time in my room alone.....thinking. Lord knows I'm my own worst enemy when I have too much isolatred time to myself. All I can think right now is that, "I'm never gonna see everyone again." I know it's not true though. Tomorrow I'll see Britt at the gym, and hopefully I'll be seeing Kristin today or even sometime this week. I have no reason to be crying. I had a wonderful weekend with a person that means a lot to me, I live in a nice house, I'm enrolled in college, I have friends. But why do I feel so alone? I can't hold back the tears anymore. I thought last night when I cried before falling asleep, that that would be the end of this feeling, clearly I was wrong. Maybe the problem is, that in my room at my house I have no memories of my closests friends. In this world of my room, they don't exist because they've never been here. Could that be it? Or could this overwhelming feeling just be a reaction to my horomones acting up? I guess the issue right now is that I miss everyone and no matter how hard I cry that isn't going to change anything. I will see people soon, it's not the end of the world....it won't be the end of the world. I'll surivive even if I find that hard to believe right now.