Where do I go?

Well, a lot has changed since Monday. One week. One bloody week and my life is upside down. This weekend I watched a large chunk of my friends walk out of my life. Graduated. They graduated. I know that we'll still be friends, it's just hard to process that they won't be down the hall or a quick trip downstairs. And in the last week I've also grown accustomed to having someone holding my hand and kissing me. Most of all I've grown accustomed to him sleeping in my bed. Last night was strange not feeling the touch of his skin against mine or the heat of his body again me. There's one word for what I'm feeling. Missing. I miss him. Even though it's been two very short weeks I feel close to him. Which is extremely forgien to me. I've never really let anyone in and sometimes in the back of my mind I wonder if I'm just going to get hurt in the end. Someone I know told me I should try and live in the moment, so here I am attempting to living in it. It's hard at times. I feel like my mind is trying to protect myself and that's why I still haven't fully processed all that's happened. As I struggle to find the words to write how I feel, I can feel my chest tensing and my breath hiccuping. I want to cry. I really do, but I can't. I almost did this morning when mother asked me what I was going to do about internships. How hard is it to fucking process that because I don't have a car it's hard for me to find a job, more or less a fucking internship? Or how about the fact that I feel fucking alienated at home because I have no car. I feel fucking trapped and fucking alone. You wonder why I'm always tired here, it's cause I'm fucking depressed. All I want to do is sleep while I'm home, yay for fucking me. I was happy at school and I resent that my home makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm going to go out of my mind until I see my friends again. 6 days. 6 fucking days to survive, until I get to see some of them. God all I want is a fucking car and a life. Goodnight cruel, cruel world.

Things I've done to get to NYC: Learn how to say goodbye

Letter to Lost One

Dear Lost,
I'm writing this to explain exactly what happened. I don't know if you'll ever read this nor do I care. I had a wonderful week with you that I wouldn't trade for the world. I enjoyed our late night conversations and I really let myself be vulnerable with you. I told you things I shouldn't have so soon, just because I was comfortable with you. You don't know it, but you changed a lot of my perceptions about things. Before you I just wanted a fuck buddy, I thought all I needed was sex. Then you came into the picture and you made me realize that what I wanted was a relationship. You know how shitty my last guy had been to me and yet you weren't perfect either. Don't lay with me in bed and tell me who much you care about me and how much you like me and say shit like "I'd ask you to be my girlfriend, but with graduation..." Fuck you. You told someone that you didn't want to smother me. Is that why we couldn't walk down the streets of Franklin holding hands? Is that why you didn't kiss me goodbye in the Campus Center, but the morning before you refused to leave my condo without one...You'd probably say that it was only supposed to be a thing, but when you start telling a girl how you feel about her, no matter how hard she tries to be, eventually that shit will sink in. So thanks for telling me "I'm beautiful" in private and not acknowledging it in public. Thanks for trying to make me feel like shit when I was breaking up with you. Thanks for calling me selfish for ending things with now with you instead of watching you walk out of my life at graduation. Thanks for making it seem that things might have worked after graduation, when you know they fucking wouldn't have. If you had really wanted things to work you wouldn't have ignored me in public or keep bringing up graduation. I'll tell you right now the three reasons why things wouldn't have worked:

1. I'm a party girl. I want to go to clubs & bars.
2. You still don't know me, you hardly asked me anything.
3. I'm still in college, I wouldn't have made you wait for me.

And you want to know the saddest part of this, that as much as I care about you I haven't cried. That night after we talked...I curled up onto B's couch, waiting for her to come home and only two tears fell. Two. And then I was over it, over it all. Granted there have been times in the past couple days that somethings made me think of you or like last night when I slept in my bed for the first time since Thursday night, I smelled you and it made me sad. So I can't say that I don't miss you and that I still don't care about you. I do. Thinking about the last week makes me happy, sad, and so angry. In your own way you treated me shitty. You should have known that I'd get attached and that bringing up the whole graduation thing and how this was nothing too serious, was shitty. And I'm not writing this to get you back, I'm writing this for me. I'm selfish. I want to write these things to move on and to stop caring about how you're doing. I'm not the bad one, but if it makes you feel better, I'll be the fucking bitch that hurt you, but I'm not "another girl who rejected you". I got out before either of us got too hurt. Trust me, things would have been a lot worse the longer this went on.

Love,
Sarah

p.s. Hope you're doing fine. I'm sorry.

Things I've done to get to NYC: Broke another part of my heart.

Lonely Stars

Walking back from the campus center tonight I found myself starring at the sky. The nighttime sky is so vast and it makes me wonder if somewhere out there my other half is looking too. Is that possible? In a world of six billion people, is there someone designed for me just waiting out there. Does everyone have another half? Every time I look at the sky the vision of me laying in the grass cuddled into him, over takes my senses. I find it funny that in a world so big I can feel so lonely. That thought alone makes me worried, if I'm lonely here, won't I be just as lonely if not more so in NYC? Someone today told me that I should try to live more in the present than worry about the past and the future. Prehaps this is just me living in the present. I'm lonely. I'm not thinking about who I've been with and who I want to be with in the future. I'm lonely. Ah! I should sleep 8am classes never treat me well and I have to make up ballet classes I missed. Bahumbug.

Cup Size Rant

Why do men evaluate women on their breast size? Excuse me, not all of us can afford nor wish to have huge breasts. The size of a bra cup has no relation to the beauty of my face or character. Screw you and your asshole ways. Yes, I may or may not have had a few drinks when coming to this conclusion, but completely sober it's still true. I may not have the biggest breast in the room, but I'd like to believe that I'm beautiful young woman. Fuck you and you and you. You're all the same. I'm sure if I stuck my tits out more you'd enjoy the view better...well guess what! I have diginity and standards so sorry I won't do that. And you may argue that we have some sort of history, yeah well guess what!?! The reason I got all dolled up tonight wasn't for you! It was for myself and if you happened to enjoy the way I was looking then you SHOULD have said it to my FACE. Communication is the basis to every friendship and sexual relationship. Done waiting, done caring, done with you. Done. Done. Done. I realize when I wake up from this early morning mind set, I'll chalk up a dozen reasons to give you another chance. And sadly you'll always have a second chance in my book and you'll always be that one in the back of mind. I don't know what I did to deserve you or lose you, but karma's a fucking bitch. One day I'll be with a man who loves every flaw and every line of my body. We'll be in bliss and it won't have been with you. So sorry this 34 B isn't as "attractive" as your 36 D, but you can suck my vagina.

Rainy, Rainy Days

Today was a rainy day of thoughts, thoughts, and more thoughts. Thoughts about all the drama of my college, of ex friends, dreams, and my film survey project. Film Survey..."create your own dance film". Oh, okay. I'm actually quite excited for this project, the idea has really been developing. My group and I have decided that our film is going along the lines of Maya Deren. Hopefully everything goes well and the project comes out great. I think it shall. I have also recently decided that I shall enroll in a photography class this summer, so I can have a side job taking headshots and dance photos for people, since I already do it for free for friends. Ideally I'd love to enroll in Film School once I move to NYC, but we shall see only 4 weeks left of the semester.

also is " (RAH)² (AH)³ + [ROMA (1+MA)] + (GA)² + (OOH)(LA)² " tattoo material?

Rainy Tuesday

Sitting in my condo at school, happy that it has kind of stopped raining. Dane Cook's on the telly and I'm debating what to make for dinner. When is an acceptable time to find a summer job? Is April too early? I'm not looking forward to finding a semi boring job for the summer...prehaps I can get my job back at the bookstore I used to work at or maybe I'll get my bartender's licence. Ahhh but I believe in Mass I need to be 21....ugh only 106 days until the big birthday.

Things I've done to get to NYC: Gone to class & woke up alive haha

New Path

So when I first started this blog last year I was planning on detailing the six weeks I lived in NYC while attending a dance program. As the archive of this blog will tell you I only wrote once, in my defence however I did post somewhere else. Now however I've decided that this blog shall document my journey to move to NYC with only a little more than a year until I graduate with B.A. in Dance and about 100 dollars in my bank account, I have a feeling this will be one interesting year.