At heart I'm a Time Traveller.

I'm having extremely mixed feelings today. I can't decide if its because my hormones are going crazy right now or I just am generally feeling off. I'm leaning more towards the hormones, but anyways. So I was listening to some possible Showcase song choices, because crazy me is trying to choroegraph four peices to audition in about a month. But as the songs came on all I could think about was "How is this my life?" I want to so badly at this exact moment to be October of my Junior year. I would have made completely different choices. I first off would have given you a chance a hell of a lot sooner. I wouldn't have put myself through the bullshit. I would have tried to more things outside of Dean. I would have done so many things different. I'm not necessarily unhappy with the way my life is right now, I just don't like the circumstances that are pulling at the strings of future. There is so much doubt in my life right now that I guess I'm finally feeling a little unnerved by it. I'll go to class in an houra nd be fine, but right now I just want a second chance at the last 365 days of my life starting......now.

Not Such an Easy A.

I saw the movie "Easy A" tonight and now it's got me thinking. I've been doing some thinking about my life. For anyone who's seen the movie you know she gets the guy at the end....The whole movie is about self worth and it's ironic that my conseling session this week brought that up. I need to feel enough self worth. Enough to be with a guy and enough to feel that I deserve a good guy. Let's look at my track record...hmmm Guy A dragged me all over the emotion spectrum; Guy B never talked to me after sleeping with me; Guy C showed some real promise until I made one mistake and can't move past it; Guy D gave me happiness for an extremely brief time and who knows what the fuck is going to happen with it, my guess would be nothing. The connecting factor between all the Guys is how I allowed myself to be treated with. I never felt like I was good enough and I just wanted someone to be there so I went along with things even when I found them to be shitty. Granted Guys C and D are the best half of the Guys. Sigh. I deserve to be with a guy who wants to be with me. I deserve to be with someone cares about me. I deserve to be with a guy who can forgive me. I deserve to be with a guy who will love me. I deserve so much better than what I've had before. I deserve to be happy. I'm tired of putting in all the work. I'm tired of being the creative of one. I want the guy that's gonna surprise me with flowers the day a casting list goes up, because if I make it they say "congrats" and if I don't make it they say, "I'm sorry". I want to be thought of in a way that doesn't make the person feel anger. I hate that my reputation is "easy", "sex crazed", "willing to spread for anyone". Fuck off. It was one fucking time and one fucking mistake. And some people say that it was almost four months ago and no one's judging me anymore. Fuck you they're not. Sure some people just say whatever about it now...and other it's either something they hate me for or like to make jokes at me for. I want to feel less shitty about enjoying sex and wanting to be with someone sexually that I have some emotional feelings for. I want to be able to call someone to make plans with. I wanna go on dates. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I want someone to gve me a reason to be happy with my life. I want someone to proud of the things I'm doing with my life. I want to have someone come see the shows I'm in and actually care about how my rehearsals are going. I want an equal partner and to not feel like I'm always making up for something I've done wrong. I want a new start.