When I was carefree...

This is me October 2009.

This is me Feb 2010.

This is me April 2010.

This is me May 2010.

This is me Sept 2010.

I need to find this place again. I need to find this.

Confession.

So recently I have allowed my negative and bitter feelings to sort of, maybe, almost totally comsume my life. After some reflective time outside today and rereading some recent text messages I sent while intoxicated, I realized I need some readjustment of my feelings. I admit I internalize things, I don't like to get unwanted attention, I don't like inconviencing people, I don't like being a burden. So imagine my surprise when it seems this starts to backfire on me.

I've been depressed about the lack of control of my life. No job, no one to love me, no moving to New York for another year, no friends left in my home town. I have never, and I repeat never had an eating problem before...I love food. I eat like a fat kid, normally. But I'd say the last 1 1/2 to 2 weeks I haven't  really been eating. I'd have a yogurt or cereal for breakfast, eat no lunch, munch on some wheat thins, and then have some of whatever my parents made for dinner.I just haven't felt hungry cause I haven't really been doing much besides lounging around my house. I'd say it was just me adjusting to the sudden summer weather, since me and heat always seems to disagree at the beginning of the summer...but this weekend kinda tipped me off that I need more food.

Friday. I had a bagel from dunkin dounts with strawberry cream cheese and an iced coffee and went to the beach. A small cup of ice cream and I can't remember what for dinner.

Saturday. Yogurt in the morning. Large gatorade after a 2 mile walk. Then had all of 6 raviolis for dinner, before driving to Onset to go to Britteny's family's cookout. I had some more wheat thins with hummus.


I woke up Sunday morning at 4 a.m. in a dead sweat and pounding headache. I figured because I feel asleep without my AC on that was reason, so I turned it on and went back to sleep. Fast forward to 7 a.m. when I wake up feeling like some kicked my head in, my headache was that bad, and to top it off I felt nauseous. I knew I needed fluids and food asap. So I picked my body up out of my bed and journeyed to go downstairs. I didn't make it to my bedroom door before my eyes went black, head was pulsing to my heartbeat, and I felt like I was gonna overheat [even though my AC was set to 69 degrees]. I knew this was not good. I continued heading downstairs, at the bottom of the stairs my eyes went black again, so I sat on the bottom step for a moment. Got myself an OJ, gatorade and banana and made my way back up to my room. I then forced myself to down the OJ and banana before going back to bed. When I woke up at 10 a.m. I felt like the things before had never happened. I knew I probably shouldn't drink or go to the cookout, but fuck that. It was my fault that I hadn't eaten and I was not going to miss having a good time, plus I felt fine. And to be completely honest besides the accident with my foot, I can say that I've felt healthy and fine since then. Minus the morning after drinking for 12 hours, I never eat the morning after drinking.

Sunday. To go orange juice and a banana. Large gatorade. Bowl of cereal and then off to Sturbridge for my friend's cookout/birthday party. Starting drinking vodka and sprite. Had some clam chowdah and macaroni salad. More vodka and sprite. Triscuits. More vodka and sprite.
Monday. 5 bites of a dunkin donuts bagel with strawberry cream cheese. A hot dog before going to the ER to get my foot looked at. Wheat thins and some other snack things after.

I have started eating again this week, forcing myself to. Partly because I know I need to and partly because of the antibiotics I'm on. I guess besides Sunday morning, my tip off was that I've lost 4 pounds in the last week. I haven't weighed myself this week, Saturday was the last day I did. I weighed in at 126. [Now I know I'm skinny and I'm not stating this to brag]. When I left school I was about 133/135. Sometime in June I settled into 130 because of some lose of what I assume to be muscle tone and the summer weather. Due to my height I shouldn't really be 126. I'm borderline underweight/normal. My BMI is 18.6, anything below 18.5 is underweight. I know that I shouldn't have used food to control any part of my life. I don't need to be on a diet, so not eating isn't really an option for me. I acknowledge that I am indeed depressed. I can't just not eat because I'm depressed. Getting skinnier isn't going to bring him back or make me prettier. I still need calories even if I'm not as active as I used to be. I promise everyone that I will start taking care of myself again. Last week was my version of rock bottom. I don't like being there and I don't want to go back there. I will not allow myself to alter myself because of someone else conscience or unconsciously. I will not be weak. I will not be weak anymore.

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage

So my feelings of punching you in the face still haven't died down from sunday, so I'd say it's safe to assume I'm still pretty pissed at you. And what, may you ask has gotten me all bent out of shape? Oh trust me I'll be writing it all down.

"Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart as well as your body
And can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love as well as your folly"

Clearly meeting your new girl-thing, whatever she is, and honestly I'm not being a horrible person, but I can't remember her name, upset me. And I'm not gonna trash talk her cause really I can't be mad to her, just you. Plus, I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but I still think you deserve someone better then a copy of your brother's girlfriend. It was lovely going to a party I was told that my presence was wanted at and yet, besides feeling like a pawn for everyone's amusement, the only real interaction we had was when you cut my foot open and then guiltly helped mend me up. Part of me feels like we wouldn't have really talked if that hadn't happen, and don't try to deny it. You were attached to your new girl's hip the entire time. There's nothing more I love then watching my friend act like a puppy following around his brother and his girlfriend. C'mon even Steph called you out in the car to me, that you weren't social even to her. As awful as it is for me to say this, but Scott acted like a better friend to me over the last year then you did at your party. That's a little fucked up.

"A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections"

You know why I was drunk from the moment I showed at your mom's house until after you left? Cause I was biting my tongue the entire time. I was trying to be the mature one, trying to act like everything was okay. And it's not like I can't handle interact with you, feels like you can't. I had venom in my veins, especially after you cut up my foot. I could have been the nastiest bitch, but I took the high road the entire time at your mom's...and then I get to Hurley's and I feel like I can fucking relax, stop feeling anxious and nope you bring her, which I knew you would, but ehh. Steph said I was more mature then she is cause she would have flipped a shit. She told me that I should have started screaming or like pulled hair or something. I laughed, I wouldn't fight, as much as my blood was boiling at you, I just drank it away instead.


And what the fuck was up with you at Hurley's? I don't know what's going on in your fucking head, I don't know if everything is okay with you...you know since we hardly ever talk, but c'mon clearly somethings going on in there. And when you played beer pong with her, I was like, "Hmm never did that with me..." I was just always the drunk girl to take home at the end of night, huh? And I had to laugh at myself cause if I stayed attached to you the way she did at the party I would have been smothering you and then we would have had to have a talk about it the next day...oh man double standards. And then, oh the kicker...when you left...one arm awkward hug and a "sorry about your foot", you've got to be fucking with me. I cried after you left. I was texting my friend trying to get myself together, but of course your little friend Andy found me crying. And I know you know that me made out. I'm not sorry about it and I don't have to explain anything. But you know he was just the icing on the cake for me for an awesome party, totally.When everyone started to go to bed or had left, I didn't want to go upstairs to sleep. Why would I want to do that? I was just gonna lay in bed and think about all the things you were probably doing with her and how she was probably in what was my side of the bed...So I kept my mind occupied and stayed up talking with Andy and Mike. Then Mike left. And I stayed up talking with Andy. And then he turned off the living room lights and kissed me. I should have guessed from how he kept asking me if I was going to be okay about you that he was gonna try something eventually. And I probably should have just gone upstairs to bed when he asked if I was okay with it, but I was lonely and it felt nice to not feel like a freak. And just to be held...and all I could think was how it felt nothing like you, it just felt empty. Just a shallow experience.And he told me how your mom asked him to run interference since "your two girlfriends were here" Ha. Ha. Ha. Wow the cherry on the shit on me sundae is completely. No wonder your mom kept asking if I needed anything at her house and then I get hurt. I'm sure that looked even better. Just everyone's fucking amusement. The charity case. The poor, hurt girl. You realize you hurting my foot is the perfect metaphor for our relationship...you didn't mean to, you were just trying to have fun, but you didn't mean to hurt me..


"But tell me now, where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart..."

I guess I still just don't understand your reasoning for not wanting a relationship with me too, which pisses me off. Cause I think your reasoning is a little horseshit to be frank.

Distance. Really? After a year distance is a issue still? Is an hour and a half really any different then the hour it was to Dean? I don't really think so. Plus you said you wanted to meet my parents, so clearly the idea of driving to my house then wasn't that big of deal. So I'm gonna call bullshit on this one.

Your work. I accept that work is your first thing so that you can get into grad school and all, but really? I'm pretty sure if you date her over me, you'll still be putting one of us a little bit before work in your life. So bullshit again.

Me moving. Umm, when was the last time you ever actually fucking talked or asked me about this? Cause I can't remember. Funny thing is I always planned to move by the end of the summer, but let's be real. I have no job and no money. I took a teaching job purposely to make myself stay at home to work and save money over the next year, I didn't choose to stay here because of you. Which doesn't mean that you aren't important to me, I just figured if you know you actually ever loved me like you said you did we could be adults, if we were dating, when it came time for me to move and we could maybe try the long distance thing...so I'm still gonna call a little bullshit on this one.

Her. I'm assuming you like her, but you know I couldn't tell if you just really wanted to be with Chris's girlfriend or you just liked that she was new. She's not something you can play with. Eventually you'll give her the same line you gave me, "I care about and I don't want to hurt you, but..." It's fucked I'm saying this, but don't break her heart like you broke mine...cause I don't think she's like me, she won't be able to be friends with you after.

And I guess what tops it all off is that your sorry about my foot. I know you are, but that doesn't change anything. I get to hobble around for the next fucking week with this stupid ass shoe and after it's all over? I'll just have a huge scar I'll get to actually see everyday. So while I'm stuck at home all fucking week nursing this stupid foot and you're out with her, I hope you think of me...laying in bed, depressed, numbly staring at the tv, cause that's all I've got in front of me for the week. And I swear to fucking God if I can't go to NYC to take dance classes on my birthday cause my foot isn't healed, I'm not only going to deck you in the face when I see you, I won't stop hitting you until you make me.

Children.

I spent the day at the beach with my friend, Britteny (you can read her blog here) and her family, which consisted of her mom, sister, 2 nieces and her nephew. The girls are 4 and 6 I believe, and Lucas is 13 months. I would normally say that, "I hate children" or "Eww children", but I have to say that spending the day with them remind me both how annoying children are...and cute and I want my own. Uhh that one statement that makes my stomach flip. I want my own. Not adopted, my own. I've never had a job babysitting and all my younger cousins are either 2-6 years behind me or when they were a baby I was just starting 6th grade...maybe. So my exposure to children is limited...so imagine my surprise when I'm suddenly watching the girls boogie boarding and I'm worried that the water is going take them under. What? Later the girls are climbing around on the rocks at the beach and I'm think, "Gah if she's not careful she's gonna fall and hurt herself." Excuse me? Where did this motherly instinct come from? Why, when in high school I couldn't stand to be left alone in a room with a small child, am I wanting to hold Lucas? Why on God's green earth am I worrying every two seconds where the kids are and who is around them? They're not even mine! I guess I can no longer deny what I feel...about children...and the longing I have for a little one of my own. Of course I'm talking about when I'm at a point in both my career and life in which I can comfortably support a child.

I doubt I will ever tell my mother this until I meet a man who will commit to me in the sense that he wants to raise a family, my feelings on the subject of marriage are still iffy.

So while trying to get my tan on, since I'm so pale, I spent the day worrying. Not worrying over if my partner, whom I still can't decide to put ex, old, or nothing in front of, is gonna text me or what he's doing with the new girl...or if I've lost him to her already...Instead I'm worrying about children. Of course my mind then drifts to the subject of me actually being able to have one. I don't know if it's because I have so much time on my hands to think about my future or the fact that it is indeed in the front of my mind, but I am indeed worried that I won't be able to have children. And that thought terrifies me more than failing at my career or disappointing my parents. What if due to the HPV, I can't carry a child? As a woman, I lose an identifier. As a human, I feel like a failure. Nature, which I believe so strongly in, chooses to take that right away from me...nature which is so stable, steps aside to let chance take a turn at the game. Sometime over the last year with my partner, I found self worth in the realm of relationships, sex, and love...before then I had nothing. I use to doubt so strongly how anyone could find me attractive, until him. And even now at times I still doubt... so someone tell me how, if in the next 3 years it's discovered that the HPV has changed the cells in my uterus that I have to have treatment, and that said treatment leaves me scarred, am I supposed to have self worth with myself as a woman? I want a child, yet due to things beyond my control and one roll around in the sheets, I cannot have one? I can't describe the uneasy that creates inside me. So given my newly discovered strong motherly instincts, it's not surprising that the subject is on my mind. And thenthe thought, "what man could love me then?" follows closely behind.

Sometimes I truly hate thinking about things so much.

I went to Peaceful Meadows & Cupcake Charlie's in Plymouth...So good. And since I didn't walk yesterday my friend, Kristin, and I walked around Plymouth for almost an hour. It was her birthday and we're broke college kids so that's what we do for fun during the summer. Doesn't my cupcake look delishious? I didn't eat it at the time and it's currently in my fridge. I can't wait for desert tonight. Mmmm, yummy. I got an orange cream cupcake, while Kristin got chocolate chip cookie cupcake...which she left in my room...which means I have 2 cupcakes...oh boy, guess I'll give one to my dad. Today was good, kept my mind busy, vented to friend all day about everything, and got sunshine. Oh I also bought a new dress that Kristin picked out for me. Hopefully after this weekend I'll have some photos of it to share.

1.8

So in my attempt to fill the days until I start teaching dance, have I mentioned that I'll be teaching children from September to June? Yeah, I don' think I have. I got hired at the studio that I grew up dancing at to teach Modern and Hip Hop. The studio is having a Hip Hop summer session, that I as the new teacher am supposed to be teaching. So when I'm not freaking out about choreographing combos, I download music. All I can say is that I must have downloaded at least 300 songs already....and maybe only 120 of those still remain in my iTunes library.

Right, so when I'm not dowloading music or attempting to choreograph combos, I'm looking on Craig's List for jobs [generally a frustrating waste of time] or filling my time with mindless tv/internet. I do on occasion find a friend to hang out with or a project to do...so yesterday I started something that I said I'd do daily, but I'm fighting with myself to do it right now...I walked to this lake thats near my house and back...1.8 miles.

Okay, I may be a dancer, but that does not mean I am able to jog. I tried to jog part of that yesterday, HA! Felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest...so I'll stick to the walking, even if my legs are a bit sore today. Which is the main reason I'm fighting myself to get dressed and go walk. However, due to me being a dancer and not a gym going person, I lack the clothes. All the clothes I would use are in the laundry and I don't think a leotard would work for this. So once I'm done writing this blog, I'll find a sports bra and some pair of pants that aren't sweatpants and walk....hopefully, to be completely honest I just really want a cupcake from Cupcake Charlie's and a coffee from Marylou's in Plymouth, MA...sigh. Prehaps tomorrow for Kristin's 20th birthday.

On the subject of birthdays: Yesterday was Steph's, tomorrow is Kristin's, Friday is Nick's, Saturday is Alexa's and mine is coming up very, very soon [15 days].

For you...

This is my last blog of night and hopefully my last angst one for a couple of days. I find it a bewildering thing to see the people I have loved and cared about grow away from me...after all our heart to hearts, crazy nights, and thoughtful texts....where are you now? What am I to you know? A familiar face stranger? It's only been two months since graduation and yet I can count on one hand the amount of times the effort on your side has been made to talk to me. I miss you and I'm not sure what exactly I did to get this shaft. Prehaps you've outgrown me...? You have no need for the girl that drove you to the ER when your roommates wouldn't, the girl who bought you a movie just to cheer you up when you were having a bad week, the girl who listened while you talked about the boy who was pulling the string of your heart, and the girl who no matter thick or thin was always just a phone call/text away from running to your room or you. Was the thing that drove you away from me, my own pursuit at love and sex? I was always right there in front of you. I know you never liked him and thought I deserved better, but I never weighed in on your love life. If anything I only tried to help my friend. I've only ever tried to help you and in turn sometimes when things got a little too much for me to bear on my own I'd turn to you...How can you use those moments against me to show me the error in my ways? Maybe you don't think that's what you're doing...it feels like that. It feels like I've been shunned, that a conscience choice was made to cut me out of your lives to bare minumium...til I'm only a speck of your past. The tiny dandylion seed floating in the breeze reminding you of what use to be....